Obituary Details

Richard Patrick Owen

December 31, 1969 - November 4, 2017

Birthplace & Residence

Information withheld per family request

Viewing

Information withheld per family request

Funeral

Information withheld per family request

Cemetery

Location:
Arlington National Cemetery
Time:
Immediately Following Service

Notes

Lt. Colonel Richard (Rick) Owen, USAF Ret., 77, of Cary, North Carolina, formerly of Wheeling, passed away on November 4, 2017 at home.

He was retired and had formerly been a unit commander with the Air Force Intelligence Service in Washington, D.C. Subsequently he was employed as a Senior Civilian GS-15 with the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA). He was also a disabled Vietnam War veteran.

Rick was born September 23, 1940 in Wheeling, WV, and graduated from Warwood High School. He earned a BA degree from West Virginia University in 1963, and a MA Degree from Central Michigan University in 1976.

Upon graduation from WVU Colonel Owen was commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant in the Air Force and had a distinguished military career. He attended the Armed Forces Air Intelligence Center at Denver, Colorado in 1963 and his initial assignment was in Tokyo, Japan. Subsequent assignments included tours at Langley, AFB, Virginia, Seoul, South Korea, Tan Son Nhut AB, Republic of Vietnam, Fort Belvoir, Virginia, and the Pentagon.

He was a graduate of the Air Force Squadron Officers School, the Air Command & Staff College, and the National Defense University. He was also a graduate of the Korean language course at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California, and he also studied at the Tokyo School for Japanese Language. He was a member of the Military Officers Association of America.

Colonel Owen retired from the Air Force in 1986 and subsequently retired as a civilian Federal Employee with DIA in 2001. His military awards and decorations include the Bronze Star Medal, the Meritorious Service Medal with two oak leaf clusters, the Air Force Commendation Medal with one oak leaf cluster, the Korea Defense Service Medal, the Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal, the Vietnam Service Medal with four campaign devices, the Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross with device, and the Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal.

He is survived by Mia Owen, his wife of 52 years, his daughter, Jennifer Owen, his granddaughter Koi Walsh, all of Cary, North Carolina. He is also survived by his sister, Nancy (Raper) Robinson, his niece, Kimberly Jo (Robinson) Stanford (Terry), and great-nephews, Richard Peyton Stanford, and Drew Stanford, all of Bartlett, Tennessee.

Colonel Owen was preceded in death by his parents, Richard P. Raper and Alice LeMoyne (Ellis) Raper of Bartlett, Tennessee, formerly of Wheeling.

In lieu of flowers, please send contributions to the Autism Society of NC: https://www.autismsociety-nc.org/donate-online/ or the VA Hospital in Durham, NC: https://www. volunteer.va.gov/apps/VolunteerNow/.
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
November 4, 2019
Memories Album: Missing you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back.
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
April 4, 2018
New Album Name: You always liked red cardinals. I see them a lot these days...
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
March 15, 2018
Photos of Dad: Your very own popsicle stick- coming soon
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
March 15, 2018
Photos of Dad: My Hero
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
March 15, 2018
Photos of Dad: On the tonsu
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
February 17, 2018
Photos of Dad: Until I see you again.
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
February 17, 2018
Photos of Dad: Until I see you again.
Posted by:
Archive
Posted on:
December 23, 2017
Photos of Dad: This picture was taken a year ago (12/16). I miss him every day. He always put his family first.
Posted by:
Jen
Posted on:
July 13, 2020
It would have been 55 years of marriage today. Happy Anniversary to my Angel in Heaven, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. It's so hard to even think about you not being here. I wish so much I would have spent more time with you; I wish I would have made more time to listen to your stories. You were right- I do miss you incredibly and I can't bring you back. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you terribly. I love you forever. Love, G Kat
Posted by:
G Kat
Posted on:
June 21, 2020
DAD
Those special memories of you Dad,
will always bring a smile.
If only I could have you back,
for just a little while.
Then we could it and talk again,
just like we used to do.
You always meant so very much,
and always will do too.
The fact that you’re no longer here,
will always bring me pain.
You’re forever in my heart,
until we meet again.

Happy Father's Day, Dawg. I wish I could at the very least visit you. Soon, I promise. Hang tight- I take small comfort in knowing you are among your comrades.
I love you to the moon and back. Love, Jen/Kat
Posted by:
G Kat
Posted on:
June 4, 2020
I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DAWG! Not a day or night goes by where I don't miss you terribly. You always hated lip service, so I'll spare you the tears. But I'm screaming and crying on the inside because you should still be here with us. MK is still in disbelief that you're gone. You should have been with us for at least a few more years. I don't think they cared for you at the VA and I don't think your doctor did right by you by encouraging you to get the pacemaker surgery. I hate myself for buying into their garbage and encouraging you to do it. I wish so much I would not have agreed with that crooked doctor in the ER. Do you remember that guy? He was two weeks away from retirement and told you to start "investing in your health." I'm just so angry and upset. Maybe I'm just going through another stage of grief, but I sure have been angry for awhile. I miss you so much, Dad. There is a huge hole in my heart and in my life without you. I go through the motions, and I no longer feel as if I'm truly living. I hope we will one day be reunited in Heaven. I love you to the moon and back, Kat. (p.s. you were right again- there's a huge pandemic going on. It's horrible)
Posted by:
Jen Owen
Posted on:
January 5, 2020
I know it's been awhile. The holidays were- and are so difficult. Beginning in August, I start thinking about the ways that I could have made different decisions in my life and those could have prolonged your life. What if I didn't make so many mistakes and we still lived in D.C.? Would you have received better health care (no doubt you would have). As much as we loved this state for the cost of living, you can't put a price on competence. I feel like the VA really did you a disservice (to put it mildly). I wish we were still up in D.C. and you could have gone to Walter Reed or Bethesda. Coulda shoulda woulda, as you would say. I guess it's all moot now (again, what you would say). But these are the things I think about starting in August, which leads up to November 4th and now Christmas and New Year's. You should still be with us- it's only 2020 and you would have been 80 this year. You should still be here. I love and miss you so much. You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I lay down at night. MK is fine- she's getting older and her mobility is getting less and less. Don't worry- she is doing a great job in limiting our mobility, too. She hates for me and Koi to do anything without her- and yet she can't do anything. So we just sit at home, day in and day out. I take Koi for a long walk in her stroller each and every day, and that is actually a point of contention with us these days. She's always looking for a reason to put me down and guilt me into not walking with Koi. At the end of the day, she feels left out, and she can't stand for me to do anything without her. She's always been this way, and you were always the buffer for me. That, among SO much more, you used to do. You would get Koi her breakfast, and get rid of other things for us as well (you know what I mean). You did so much, and you were right- I do miss you now that you're gone, and yes- I really didn't fully appreciate all that you did for the family. I hope you're in Heaven having a good laugh about it. I don't know what else to say other than the fact that I miss you so much. The days aren't the same without you and my life is just not the same without you. I hope I see you again one day. Until then, I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jen Owen
Posted on:
January 5, 2020
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jen Owen
Posted on:
January 5, 2020
2 files added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 15, 2019
Hi, Dad. I haven't written in awhile. The hardest part about losing you in November is that I have to relive it a week later on Veteran's Day. And then the holidays start- and I know how much you always loved Thanksgiving. You loved Christmas, too. You used to say "and let it be known that he/she always kept Christmas" every time you'd see someone joyously celebrating the holidays in almost a ridiculous way. You loved it.

I don't want to do any of it anymore. I'm only going through the motions of life. I don't want to be here without you. It doesn't get easier at all. I'm remembering the night before you passed away, you woke up and you told me you were frightened. You called out Nancy's name. I told you that Nancy lives in Tennessee with Kim and her boys and you looked at me like you knew. I told you that you didn't need to be afraid because you are surrounded by your family- you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. You seemed placated- and little did I know I was doing just that- I was placating your fears. I was clueless. I had no idea that would be the last night you would spend on this earth. Your nurse, Colleen- told me that when you were trying to walk, right before you died- that you were trying to join the angels. They were calling you to join them. It's a strange thing for a nurse to say, but she told me that she saw angels around you about two weeks before you passed away. Are you with the angels? Are you mine? Sometimes the pain just hits me like a ton of bricks. They say that you need to "work through the pain" but I am still trying to understand what exactly that means. Why would you want to work "through" the pain? Does that mean you stop feeling pain? I don't know if I want to stop feeling pain. Pain is a sign that I am heartbroken and I miss you, and I can't ever see myself working "through" that.

I'm sorry I didn't post on Veteran's Day. I thought of you all day, of course. I think of you all day, everyday. It just gets harder. It's hard to imagine a life without you in it. And I feel like I am just existing in limbo. When Mom passes away, I don't know if it's going to get better or worse. I'll be free from having my every move controlled, right? I wanted that so much for you. So did she. She thought you were going to outlive her. We both talked about how we wished she died first- so you would have been able to experience an iota of freedom. Maybe it was just me who said it, but I said it to her. So I suppose I'll feel that freedom, but then my life will go quiet and the lights will dim and then there will, I assume, be just me and Koi left. It will be such a quiet existence. I think about that almost as often as I think about the happier times with you. I hope so much you are around. Are you happy. Are you laughing when Koi, Mom, or I mess up, or say something funny? Mom says she feels you around all the time. I think she's full of it. I hope you are around, though. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'm sorry we haven't been up to visit you since the summer. I promised you we'd come up in September or October, and we did not. You know that Koi's had so many gastric issues, which makes staying at hotel challenging. But we will make it for the holidays, I promise you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 15, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 15, 2019
Love you, Heather- I don't know what our family would do without you. <3
Posted by:
Heather M Hill
Posted on:
September 24, 2019
I love this photo!
Posted by:
Heather M Hill
Posted on:
September 24, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 23, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 23, 2019
Happy Birthday, Dawg. I can't believe it's almost been two years. Sometimes it seems like two days- or even two hours. I don't think I'll ever get over not having you here. Mom says she feels as if you've never left her- she feels your presence constantly. I try to. I try so much to keep your memory alive. I think I spend too much time sad and missing you, rather than focusing on the good times we had together. I'm going to try hard to celebrate your day tomorrow, instead of being sad and depressed. You were right- I do miss you. Terribly. And I regret so much all the times I wasn't kind or nice to you. I feel like words really do matter, and there is a lot I could have done differently. I have to live with that until I join you. I tried my very best once you became ill, but I also have regrets regarding your care- especially after you were discharged in August from the VA. I should have advocated more for them to help us with after care. When they refused, I should not have taken "no" for an answer. I should have paid for private care, until I could get the VA to see the err of their ways. I shoulda, coulda, woulda, as you would say. I will try my best to stay positive- at least for your birthday, ok? I will try to have a nice big piece of cake in your honor (Nancy's words- she says that every year... sigh). I want so much to see you again. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Please forgive me for not being kinder to you. I have so many regrets, but my love is everlasting. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I'll love you forever. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 22, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 22, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 9, 2019
Hi Dad. I'm sorry I haven't post in ages. It just doesn't get any easier. If anything, it gets harder as the days become years. September is "our"month- and so every day and night I think about you and how you should still be here. It's just not fair. Life really is a sh** sandwich, isn't it? I can't believe I'm going to be 47 in about 15 minutes. As you would say, "You're pushing fifty." Or rather, "you're in your forty-eighth year." Lol. I miss you like crazy. Not a day or hour goes by where I don't think about you. You're right- I do miss you and I do wish I was kinder to you when you were here. I wish I would have spent more time with you. I wish I would have talked Macs with you and I wish I would have gone to see more movies with you. I still email Aunt Nance frequently. Sometimes we won't talk for a bit, but we always correspond. I guess that's how I keep your memory alive- by talking to her. She's your flesh and blood, and so I feel more connected to you when I talk to her. Anyhow, I don't have anything important to say. I just miss you and I love you so very much. I'll see you one day again, ok? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Until we see each other again.... xoxo G Kat <3 p.s. you are the best Dad in the Universe. <3
Posted by:
G Kat
Posted on:
September 9, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 5, 2019
Sorry I did not post that pic sooner, Dad. We had a really nice visit with you last weekend, and then we had to rush and get Koi ready to go back to school. Plus, as you know, she ended up getting sick off some pizza when we were there. R****'s luck, right? Some days are just unbearable, thinking how much I miss you. Other days are less unbearable, because I keep busy with the routine. I thought Koi returning to school would make it "easier" for me, but it's done the opposite. I keep thinking about all of the fun things we used to do as a family around this time of year- whether it was Rehoboth trips as a child, or trips to Wrightsville with Koi as a baby. Life is so different now. Mom is old and unable to get around, and she is terribly unhappy (unhappier). She influences so much of my/our lives, and there isn't much I can do about it at this point. Not being able to talk to you, like I always did, really compounds the situation. I walk on eggshells everyday, but I do what you would want me to do- I am respectful of her and try to just live my life. I try to be a good Mother to Koi (you know I try), and I think Koi is growing up nicely. She's put on a lot of weight from puberty, but she is seeing an endocrinologist now (who is a quack) who basically has no answers (and tells me to cut all the sugar out of her diet- well no sh**- that would make anyone lose weight). Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. I am so lonely. I miss my Dawg. I miss talking to you. I regret all the times I passed up going to the movies with you and I regret the way I snapped at you so many times. I know you understand, but it still doesn't make me feel any less of a jerk. I wish I had been nicer to you. Even when you were sick, I was impatient and a jerk. I'm so sorry, Dad. I hope you do find it in your heart to forgive me, although I know you have. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I hope you are around somewhere. I have not felt your presence in awhile. Nance says she talks to you when she's out on her porch in the evenings. I should talk to you more. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. Please give me the strength to put up with MK and keep my sanity. She is a crazy, mean old woman. She's cruel and heartless (with me), but she does love Koi. We do have that commonality and I pray it sustains us. I love you to infinity. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I love you and miss you every second of every day. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 5, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 5, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2019
Yesterday would have been your 54th anniversary. You used to joke "July 13, 1965- the day the music died." You always made me laugh so much. My life is now devoid of all laughter and so much happiness is gone. I'm carrying on for Koi's sake, but I haven't had any meaning in my life since you left us. I hope you are somewhere close to us- free from pain and heartache. I hope you are at peace. I hope to see you one day again. I miss you so much. I wish I would have been kinder to you. I wish I would have made different medical decisions for you. I wish I would have handled so many things differently. It's hard to write without shedding tears- and you know I have to try to hide my tears from Koi or else she'll get so concerned with me. She misses you, too. She will walk by your mancave and peer in- hoping to see you in there. We all look into your mancave and wish you were there. I hope you enjoy your "new" company. MK has decided to start sleeping in there now- ever since we gave away our junky twin beds. Koi and I sleep in MK's room and she's taken your "litter" as you used to call it. I haven't been able to spend as much time in your room, because she's always in there- but your things are just as you left them. I did clean up the bathroom a bit and I did put away the mail. But all of your papers, pictures, chachki's and such- they're all there- just as you left them. They'll stay there forever. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you every minute of every day. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2019
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are looking really good. Holly stopped by to see you today and wish you a happy Father's Day. Mom, Koi and I will be there in a few weeks to see you, ok? Koi only has two more weeks of school and then we'll be up to visit. I miss you so much. It's still so very painful without you here. I wish so much I had acted differently and been differently with you- kinder, more patient, and just a better person. I was really mean and selfish with you and it's hard to even think about forgiving myself. I can't. I don't think I ever will. I would have done things so differently. I miss you so much. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2019
I miss you so much, Dad. I love you so much, and I think about you every minute of every day. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there with you today, but I'm so glad Holly could be there to say hello. I will see you in about a month, ok- as soon as Koi is out of school. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are at peace with your comrades. I wish so much I could see you one more time. One day we'll see each other again. <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 26, 2019
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I have not written in so long. You know you have been on my mind, day in and day out. I'm now hanging out (texting) an old old friend of mine from high school. Sometimes she will visit Arlington to see her Grandparents, and she will stop by your Marker just to say hello on behalf of me. I hope you don't mind. If MK knew, I think would flip, but then again, everything makes her flip. Don't ask about how *that* is going. But I also wanted to let you know that we finally did get rid of your hospital bed. I am so sorry, as I told her I would never ever get rid of that. Just because a mother can afford lots of furniture that would make the place look pretty, doesn't mean they have any decorating sense. Speaking of- I had to update all of the iphones. That was "fun." They went from 12.3 to 12.3.1 in a matter of days. Koi's phone was giving me trouble, so I took it back in and they replaced Koi's entire iphone screen for free. Yes! Can't beat "free" right? Whew. I'm not making any sense, but I did want to say that I have been thinking about you so much and wondering how much you knew. For example, I hope you know that I was strong and independent, thanks to you. It's all thanks to you. I was hoping I could have returned the favor, based on all the help you have given me over the years- my entire life, really. We only had two good/decent years together after I came home. I just hope you knew how grateful I was for everything that you do. I'll stop, but I have a feeling tomorrow may be another sentimental post lol. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3 ii
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 26, 2019
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 20, 2019
I love and miss you so much, Dad. I've been thinking about you a lot lately (as I do always), and I know I don't write you every night anymore, but it's not because I don't think about you. Sometimes it's just too painful to put my thoughts together. I'm still hanging in there, but things just don't matter anymore. I updated our devices to System 12.3. What was the system when you were still with us? 9?10? I remember when System 11 seemed like so far ahead of time. I hate how time goes on, because I don't want it to. Mom wants to call 1-800-JUNK and get rid of your hospital bed, wheelchair, and hoyer lift. I know you didn't even use these things, and these items do not typify your life. They were only here for the last two months and honestly I don't want to remember them. But knowing they were the last items you laid down in/sat in- it makes them sentimental to me. Please give me the strength to either make a decision, or protest MK wanting to take it away. We will never touch your mancave room, though. You already downsized all of the junk out and left nothing but important stuff in there. Nothing has been touched- and nothing ever will be. Your mail is still organized and in piles. One day I may get a filing cabinet and file the mail and documents away, but for now, it's just fine as it is. I often lay down in your bed. If my old mattress gets taken away in the junk truck, I may lay down in your "litter" as you used to call it. I think MK wants to sleep there for awhile until Koi and I get a new bed. We'll see. But I am thinking about you everyday. Often for many many hours out of the day. I miss you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 20, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 6, 2019
I just wanted to let you know that I think about you every day, Dad. Some days it's hard to go on, but I stay strong for Koi. I know you would have wanted that- but more often than not, I just want to give up. I think about all of the decisions I could have made differently, and it's hard to forgive myself. I wish I would have done things differently- maybe you would be here today? I am still angry with the "doctors" who didn't do everything to help you. Your life means so much more than their efforts. I'm still so very angry with them. I'm angry with myself for not pushing them harder. I'm angry with myself for believing them. I would give anything just to see you another minute. I love you to the moon and back. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jen
Posted on:
May 6, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
April 21, 2019
Hi Dad. I know it's been so long since I've posted on your wall. The truth of the matter is that time is making my grief compounded. Time really doesn't heal all wounds, despite the old saying. As the days go by, I miss you more and more. It becomes too painful to even visit your tribute page, yet alone walk into your room. I had to look in your desk tonight to find an old style dime for Koi's homework. It immediately brought back so many memories- even the smell of your desk is reminiscent of your old roll top desk. I miss everything about you. I want you to know that I am taking care of MK. And I write Aunt Nance almost every day. Sometimes we have periods where we don't write, but we are almost always in contact with one another. Both boys ended up going to Ole Miss and Kim and Stan bought them a condo to share. Kim and Nance are busy going to that condo and furnishing/decorating/stocking the fridge for them. Lucky boys! I wanted to give you an update, because I know you met both of them and you had encouraged Drew to go to WVU. He ended up going to Ole Miss just like Peyton. Anyhow, Nance is Nance- still the same- and she does comfort me when I am very sad and missing you.
I posted a picture of me and MK from Friday. You brought the beautiful weather for us because after the rains on Friday, Saturday was beautiful. I was only able to visit with you for an hour and a half because we got such a late start- I guess days of sleep deprivation (and messed up sleep schedules from Koi's track-out) finally caught up with us. We overslept at the hotel, so we only managed on next-day visit (instead of two). But we did have a nice visit. MK re-trimmed the flower arrangement on your marker, although I'm sure the roses won't last but a few days. It's okay, because we will be back very soon, ok? In the meantime, you are among your comrades. But I miss you so very much. The pain just keeps getting worse, and so I end up staying away from your page at night- because I don't want to cry in front of Koi. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe and I love you infinitely. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
April 21, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
April 21, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
March 10, 2019
Hi, Dad. I know it's been so long since I've posted onto your wall. I don't know why, but writing to you is becoming increasingly difficult. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I keep replaying in my mind each day- each month that goes by without you. I keep replaying and regretting my actions. What I should have done- and what I should not have done. I should have made better decisions when you were still here. Hindsight is often 20/20, but in this case, it's not. Although I have regrets, I still do not know what the best course of action would have been. I do know what the course of action me and MK took- was not the one. But we should have done- everything we didn't do, right? I feel so much sorrow and regret. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you so much. MK, Koi and I are coming to visit you again soon. Koi tracks out in three weeks, so you know we'll come to see you when Koi is at home. That way we can come up during the week, although D.C. traffic is still that nightmare that is always was- only worse. Anyhow, I'm going to write Nance real quick and then try and lay down with Koi. Daylight Savings Time is making me so sleepy. I didn't go to sleep until 5am last "night" (or today, rather). I guess I'm lucky it's midnight, eh? You'll be proud of me- I changed the time on the Subaru pretty quickly. I've finally got the hand of it. I love you so much, Dad. I'm so sorry I failed you in so many ways. I try so hard to make you proud of me. Hopefully one day I will. But until then, please know that I live each and every day honoring you and your memory. You are the best Dad in the Universe. And you're right. I do miss you infinitely. I'm sorry for the way I acted and the way I treated you. I hope you can one day forgive me. I can never forgive myself. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
March 10, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 24, 2019
I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. You believed in me. When I said I would fix things- when I said I would help you feel better. I told you I'd help you be able to breathe again. You looked up at me with those brown eyes and said "thank you." You believed me. You were so innocent after your stroke. You had that pure enthusiasm and smile that just warmed everyone's hearts. They all loved you so much at the VA. You were their favorite person. I tried so hard to help you, but in the end, my lack of knowledge and my inability to truly follow my gut, ended up letting you down. I know it's not wise to fully blame myself- but I blame a pretty good chunk on myself. The rest I blame on the VA. I'm not finished. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I'm so lost without you. It's been too painful to write. I try to wrap myself up with the minutiae of everyday life. But now everyday life is becoming a stressor in and of itself with Koi's school and now stupid drama at the "horse house" as you would call it. I have nothing to take my mind off how much I miss you and how empty my life is. I just miss you so much, Dad. I miss my pal, my buddy. I have noone who "gets" me and noone to laugh with. I love you I love you I love you. G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 24, 2019
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 16, 2019
In many respects, it seems like just yesterday, and in other respects, it seems like a lifetime ago. It's been a year since your Interment, and MK, Koi and I went to see you in Arlington. You look good, Dad. There was a giant hole next to your marker, and it freaked MK out. She flagged down a service person (driving a bulldozer) and asked them to help. They promised to fix the hole that day. Can you believe it? Because of Koi's IEP, I only got to see you for a short while on Friday- but when we returned on Saturday for another visit, the hole was fixed. Hooray, right? I'm really impressed with the folks at Arlington- they really do take care of things asap. I haven't written you in so long, because I just can't (don't want to) go "there" lately. It's just too painful to feel. I promised you that I would start writing again. I thought it used to help me process things, but it forces me to revisit that place, and it's just hard for me to cope. I do hope I have a change in heart. I need to commit and promise you that I will write you more often- and on a regular basis. I can sit here and give excuses, but I won't. I miss talking to you and I miss writing you. I promise to do better. I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow... Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 16, 2019
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 4, 2019
Hi, Dad. Gosh it's been forever, hasn't it? I'm sorry I haven't written. It's hard to write sometimes, because instead of being cathartic, it's now taking me a place that is difficult for me to cope. Plus, at night, Koi is being kind of high maintenance lately. She is scripting a lot, and is very demanding. She calls for me every minute now- but not because she needs anything- because she wants me to say what she tells me to say. It's called a "verbal ritual" and she's always had them (it's like being a stage mother, remember?) It's just off the chain lately and by the evenings- when I usually write you- I am thoroughly exhausted and honestly a bit annoyed. It's hard to cope with when you're tired. I know, I know- I shouldn't be saying these things, but I am far from perfect. I found the "solution"- I left her view so she can't order me to say things lol. But she's smarter than I am- she turned off the water and now she can hear me type. She's a "smart feller" as you would say!

As you know, MK was in the hospital last week. She had a small bowel obstruction and I guess she seems to be okay now. Boy oh boy- is she taking care of herself now. She wants to live forever. It's slightly annoying. Now, we are no longer eating out. She instructed me all the foods to buy so she (or I) can cook at home now- and get this- it's all the foods you loved (minus the beef). So now we eat canned beans (green beans), boxed mash potatoes, and cup of noodles soup (the real cheap kind). Oh and she eats pudding and Jel-lo. She literally wants to live forever. She thinks by eating mushy foods now, she won't get another obstruction. The doctor/nurses say some of it is hereditary- or if you have a history of small intestine issues- you are more prone to get them again.

Christ- here she is again. She's in the kitchen. I was hiding from everyone in the house, making Koi her hot water. MK comes in the kitchen because she wants "something sweet." She has literally been eating all day ever since she left the hospital- because she's not eating out, the foods she eats at home goes right through her. So she is eating constantly. She is always telling me to go out and get her this and that- soup, potatoes, green beans. I just told her that it's too bad she didn't want to eat these foods back when YOU were sick- back when YOU needed to eat these foods. Nope- she was too busy not letting nurses come into the house, and telling you how you were going to go into long term care. I told her that I remember it all, and karma is a bitch. I told her that she is going to relive the way she treated you- and she was like "fine." I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens to kick me out of the house- again. It's a weekly occurrence. But I am confronted with the same issues that you had- it's more trouble to help her live independently and then make an independent life for myself- than just stay put. It's easier just to stay here, miserable, as opposed to running two lives. I can barely handle my own- and I'm far from independent. Not only that, but now NC wants proof that my life is miserable. I can more than give it to them, but it's just a pain having to go through the song and dance of it all. Little do they know how much okane I am saving them- how many therapies has Koi walked away from? How much would she be spending if she had CAP services? I'll be sure to apply for those, too- but right now, I need to worry about Koi's IEP. That's the immanent issue at hand. First that, then services, then the VA- payback time- and then me and my issues. The more I think about how I now have to live my life completely eating mush food- just because MK thinks it's the only way now. She thinks her bowel obstruction occurred because she ate Thai food (uncooked carrots). Give me a break. You see- this is why I don't write you. I end up just venting. About everything. She actually just told me, "you're lucky I'm able to eat." "Oh yeah? Why? Why am *I* lucky you can eat?" She thinks I care, and sorry- I do not. I will never forget the way she treated you- both when you were ill- and when you were well. Karma will get her in the end. I'll honor your wishes and not walk away from her- like I would personally love to do- I will stay here and care for her, just like you did. But when her time comes, I will treat her exactly the way she treated you. End of story. I love you so much, Dad. There isn't a second that goes by where I don't think about all the mistakes I made- how I really should have been nicer to you- and how I should have done more to help you get well. I thought you were going to recover, and I think all the doctors knew you wouldn't. They knew you wouldn't get better, because they did nothing to help you get better. They took the Socratic Oath and they didn't abide by it. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you so much. I'm going to take Koi out of the tub hopefully soon and try to sleep. I just want to forget the pain, ya know? I love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
February 4, 2019
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 26, 2019
I love and miss you so much, Dad. Sorry I have not posted in forever- first I was sick with a cold, and then... well, I've been so depressed. It's hard for me to carry on sometimes. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Sometimes I am just paralyzed with grief. It's often too painful to even write, as crazy as that sounds. I keep replaying all of your last moments in my mind, over and over again. I just wanted to post on your wall, light this candle, and let you know how much I truly love and miss everything about you. I'm sorry I wasn't nicer- I'm sorry we teased each other so much. I hope you know it was all in jest, and I love you from the bottom of my heart. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 26, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 14, 2019
Hi, Dad. Arlington Cemetery was closed to the public today because of the snow. I hope you're okay. Tomorrow they are supposed to be open for services/funerals. That means there will be staff around, I hope. I'm actually quite impressed at how the cemetery is almost always open- they never take a day off (well, except for today). I don't know how many inches D.C. got, but I think it was a lot. It's supposed to snow in NC tomorrow, but I hope it doesn't. You know this area- they will shut down all the schools and every single place will be closed. Koi and I did nothing today b/c we slept too late. We are becoming night people during her track out, which is messing up our days. I'd like to get to bed soon (it's just midnight, which is early for us), and wake up no later than nine. If everything is shut down tomorrow, this will mess up my big "plans" to do stuff with Koi. Anyhow, enough about that. I miss you, Dad. I love and miss you so much. I think about you all the time, but I have stopped writing every day. I've stopped writing not because I'm feeling better and don't feel the need to write. On the contrary, I feel like I am getting worse, and it's too painful for me to confront my feelings on a daily basis. I'd rather watch mindless crap on YouTube and not think about my life without you. I love you to the moon and back. Oh, Nance wrote me tonight. I should write her back, too. I miss you Dawg. You're the best Dad in the Universe. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. You saved me, and I couldn't save you. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 9, 2019
Hi, Dad. I know it's been what seems like forever since I've written you last. Every night when I sit down and get ready for bed, I start to reflect and think about writing you. And then I keep procrastinating it- because my emotions take me to a very dark place. And writing you forces me to confront those emotions, which is, a great thing. But sometimes I'm just a coward. I don't want to confront my feelings. I want to continue hiding from them. It's much easier to hide from your emotions and substitute the void with activities and sleep. I try to keep busy with mindless things so that I am not forced to think about how painful life is without you here. I miss you so much. I'm still behind. I haven't emailed Koi's attorney (but I do have a great referral). I haven't completed your paperwork- I have one email and one voicemail with guidance. Now it's up to me to follow that guidance (which I will, please have faith). Of course I am feeling sleepy now that I have laundry listed all the things I need to do in the next couple of days. It's not even difficult. Filling out forms always bring anxiety, but it shouldn't. I've been existing every day. Koi's been keeping me busy. This track out has been hard. She's a tween now and her emotions are really up and down. She's quite moody and when she's up- she's up... but when she's down- it's really a desperate situation. Today has been hard. She's been quite cranky and misbehaving. I wish you were here to help me- you always had wonderful advice and perspective. You would know what to say. I can't believe you're not here. I never thought I would be left this way. I lived in denial, despite you preparing me for decades. I'm sorry for not treating you better. I'm sorry for not overtly respecting you (I have always respected you, but I'm afraid I never really acted like I did). I have so many regrets- not just with your health care decisions/actions- but also the way I was with you. I am so sorry for all the insensitive and mean things I said to you. God, you must have been so hurt- or you hated me. I have to live with the way I acted until I join you. I am looking forward to the day I join you, Dad. I can't wait until we're reunited. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to infinity... Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 9, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 2, 2019
Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. That firm got back to me- they left me a message, but I can't bring myself to listen to it. I know what it says b/c I read the transcript. They can't help. They don't want to help. That's fine. I will keep going. I'll keep reaching out, but if I can't get help- I'll just do it myself. Jerks. If we win- watch them come out of the woodwork to try to help. Just forget them. Their secretary did give me the name of somebody (or some entity) that may be able to help. I'll listen to them tomorrow, ok? I had to take Koi to a birthday party today. She had fun, despite an earlier hiccup (by the trampoline place- they told me there was no party- we were the first ones there- but they were wrong, of course). Anyhow, it's been a long, long day. It's 2am and please please wish me luck tomorrow. I have a Patkar appt. tomorrow, but I'm also stopping off, well, you know. Please let this happen. It's the only thing that brings me joy. Please let MK not be upset with me when I come home. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 2, 2019
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 1, 2019
Happy New Year, Dad. I miss you so much. Nothing is the same without you. It's just another day, right? But nonetheless, I still think about you- every minute of every day. It's late. I'm going to lay down and try to forget the huge hole in my heart. I don't think I'll ever reach the point where I can focus on the good memories of you. To me, you belong here- for much longer than you were able to stay. Life ain't fair, right? But it doesn't mean I have to like or accept it. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I hope you are somewhere. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
January 1, 2019
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 31, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I have not written in days. I'm sorry I forgot to post and "remind" you that Nance's birthday was the other day. I did wish her a Happy Birthday- not to worry. I know you used to joke about her birthday being so close to Christmas- giving her one glove for Christmas and the other glove for her birthday πŸ˜‰ You are such a trip. I've been really overwhelmed with grief and sadness because you're not here. I've put off writing you, because I can't bear to face my emotions and put my thoughts into words. It's too much sometimes. I think about you all day, and when it comes time to write you, I just am at a loss. Call me chicken. I reached out for a second time to "you know" and I'm finally going to follow up with "you know" just like I vowed to... well myself (and you, too). I want them to be accountable. You'll see. Even if I fail, I don't care. Things will not be in vain. I'm going to make sure they are accountable. I love and miss you so much, Dad. Life isn't the same without you. I saw something on a show about when someone you love passes away- they take a piece of you with them. It's so true. I keep saying how I'm not myself, and it's so right on the money. I feel like you took a piece of me with you- a piece of my life. And I don't mean to make that sound bad- because it's not. I'm not the person I used to be- nor do I want to be. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Koi is starting to snore- so let me lay down with her. I love you so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 28, 2018
Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I miss you so much, Dad. I can't believe you're not here. In many ways it seems like forever, and in many ways it seems like just yesterday. I don't know which one is better- or worse. When I open up the refrigerator, your water bottles are still there. Your insulin is still there. I can't bring myself to throw it away. I can't bring myself to throw away anything. I want everything around me. I want to be surrounded by your things. In some strange way it comforts me. I guess most people are the opposite. But I don't want to erase you. I want to keep everything you touched. Your shampoo is unmoved- exactly where you put in the last time you showered- probably March 4th or 5th of 2017. I know you weren't feeling well those days. You went to the hospital just the day before. Why didn't I take you to the ER when you asked me to. I made you wait until I picked up Koi and brought her home. I thought you were going to be okay. I thought I could devote more time to taking you if I picked up Koi and left her at home with MK. But I should have taken you that day at noon, when you first asked me to. I hate myself. I'll never forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I have to go to bed before I go down this path again and start with the "what ifs" that now mean nothing. They mean something to me- but I know to you, it means nothing- because I didn't do those things. I should have taken you to the ER when you first asked. I should have called 911 when you first asked me to- the day you died. I told you they were coming, but I didn't yet call. MK was so worried about being embarrassed. I wanted to make sure you were really in need of medical attention before I called. Can you believe how stupid I am? I should have called the second you asked me to. God, I made so many mistakes. I'm going to lay down in order to try to escape the pain. I love you to the moon and back. I'm a fool. Please forgive me, Dad. I'm suffering here without you. I was so stupid to think you were fine. You didn't deserve to die. You should have lived at least a decade longer. I'm so sorry for the mistakes I made. I love and miss you always. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 28, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 27, 2018
I love you, Dad. I just wrote Nance. I need to get Koi to bed, but I wanted to light a candle and let you know that I've been thinking about you all day. I love and miss you tremendously. The holidays just aren't a joyous occasion anymore- nor will they ever be. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are somewhere, not in pain, happy, and proud of me. Okay, you don't have to be proud of me- I just hope you are somewhere. I miss you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 27, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 25, 2018
Merry Christmas, Dad. I just put all of Koi's presents under the tree. You'd be proud of me. You used to be the best Santa in the world. You would wrap all of my gifts with such care. You would eat the cookies I would lay out for you. You'd always write me a note. I used to wonder why Santa's handwriting resembled yours so much πŸ˜‰ I chalked it up to "all good guys have the same handwriting." I loved the magic you created. I'm trying to replicate a bit of that magic with Koi, although I am not sure if I can pull it off. Either way, she'll have a few toys. Nothing like the Christmases you used to give me. I had such a blessed childhood. I'm only now realizing this. I'm sorry I never told you how grateful I am for you and how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you more than anything. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 25, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 24, 2018
Merry Christmas, Dad. It was really nice visiting you this weekend. Your wreath looks beautiful. Every single Veteran had a beautifully placed wreath on their respective marker. I don't know how long that must have taken- to have each person honored like that. I have to admit, as much of a Trump fan I am not, I will give him credit where credit is due. It was a wonderful gesture and a beautiful display of loyalty, devotion, and patriotism.
I love you more than anything. I miss you terribly. I wish so much you were still here. Even though we had a nice visit, I long for the days where I can reach out and touch you. I miss your laugh, your wicked sense of humor. I miss everything about you. I really did take you for granted, didn't I? I am sorry I was so annoyed with you. I was terrible, wasn't I? I should have showed more gratitude. I hope you knew how much I loved you. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 24, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 21, 2018
Love you so much, Dad. I'll be seeing you tomorrow, ok? I miss you so much. That'll be my voice talking to you tomorrow. We'll leave early and get to you towards the end of the day (before they close at 5pm). If there is horrible traffic, there is a slight chance we won't make it- so we'll spend the night and see you first thing on Sunday. But let's not think about that. I'll see you tomorrow. And Sunday (we're staying overnight no matter what- about 1 mile away, almost walking distance, at Wainwright Hall, Ft. Myer/Henderson Hall join base- the on base hotel). I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 21, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 20, 2018
Do you remember the time we were at Rehoboth, and we were walking down the boardwalk. There was a dart/balloon game, and I had asked you if you were good at throwing darts. You never bragged, so how was I to know your aim was impeccable. You paid the $3 or $5- however much it cost for three darts. You said "that's one, that's two, and that's three." Maybe it was four. I remember the thrill of winning a prize. I had never won anything in my life before- and you winning that game was every bit as good as if I had won it. I was able to get my pick of anything- boardwalk games were much more generous back then. Anyhow, I saw a white dog with blue bib overalls. He was mine. I pointed to the dog and so proudly brought him back to our hotel room, and later I brought him home. We named him "Gene the dog." He was the best. You made him talk and he had an older man's voice. You brought life to him, and he was my friend. I miss him and I miss you. I miss all the things you used to do for me and with me. You were my very best friend, and you were always a strong role model to me. I never knew about all your talents. I didn't know you won all those sharpshooter awards while you were ROTC and in the Service. No wonder you used to do the bb guns at the beach and make everything- everything go off. You used to ask me what I wanted to see. I'd tell you, and you would take aim and shoot at it- and it would go off. I miss those days. Those were the good days indeed. I don't think I have given Koi those wonderful carefree days like the ones I had. Maybe we were all more carefree when Koi was younger- like age 3-7. When I got remarried- that put an end to our carefree days. When I came home, I had my issues and your health started to really decline. But we stuck together, and I am so grateful I was able to be with you until the end. But now that you're gone, I have no direction- nowhere to go. Can you give me a sign that you're still with me? I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are always in my heart, Dawg. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 20, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 19, 2018
Wish me luck tomorrow, Dad. Think of me and MK when we're in that IEP meeting for Koi. I love you so very much. You are so strong. You are so wise, kind, caring, and perfect. I miss you so much. It's so lonely without you, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I miss your terribly. I'll check in with you later today. I'm going to lay down a bit with Koi and try to get some rest for tomorrow's meeting. I love you so so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 19, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 17, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's been a few days. I'm really sorry about that. I wait until the end of the day to write. And then time gets away from me, I get sad thinking of you, and then I just fall asleep, because I want the pain to go away. We'll be coming to see you this weekend. I can't wait. Last weekend was "Wreaths Across America" where thousands of volunteers laid wreaths for every single marker at Arlington National Cemetery. Amazing. A girl I went to high school with was a volunteer and she took a picture of your marker for me. I was really touched. Her name is Holly. I hope you don't mind her visiting you now and again. She visits you occasionally in order to take pictures of you- for me. She sends them to me. MK doesn't like the idea, so aside from that one time, I don't tell her that she does it. MK says it's a sacred place and not just anyone deserves to go there. But Holly has family who are buried there. I'm not sure if it's an uncle- or her father- but she goes almost every weekend. That's what I would do if I lived there. I wish so much I lived closer. I want to be closer to you. For now, visits will have to do, I suppose.

I put cheap plastic candy canes (ten total) that line our walkway this year. I just got them at Walgreens. I also put up the outdoor tree you bought for Koi a few years back- you know, it's white and twinkles multicolor lights. It's beautiful and makes me think of you. I also put up that projection thing- it doesn't move anymore, but it just shines red and green lights on our door. I also have another light projection that spins around. All in all we have a few Christmas decorations going on. This year, I bought cheap red ribbon and tied bows around the outdoor garage lights and the mailbox. I hope you like it. Christmas always reminds me of you so much. I also put up the tree on Sunday. I'll post a pic for you. It's kind of pathetic. We bought a white tree last year b/c I guess the small green tree was getting old. It looks ok. I had to buy new lights, too- because our old lights were burnt πŸ™ Anyhow, I didn't do too much this year, but I did a few things- mostly for Koi. Nancy sent us a bunch of Memphis "fine" chocolates lol. They are pretty good! I also sent her some Dolle's saltwater taffy. I hope she got the package today.

Okay, I just wrote Nancy. It says the package was delivered, so I hope she got it. I forgot to mention that I changed the furnace filters, too. At least I do a few things. MK got a refund check for $2.99 (yep) for her (your) taxes for 2016, I believe. Or maybe it was for 2017. I did both 2016 b/c although you were still alive, you were about to file them in March of 2017, but you got sick. I remember you even telling me that "I wish I did the taxes- I haven't filed them yet- I don't have the energy." I wish I would have taken your warnings more seriously. You were trying to tell us you were sick. But I didn't listen. I hate myself for not listening. But I did eventually file the taxes for you and MK- late, and I did pay the penalty b/c there was a balance and I had to pay it- although I requested that penalties and interest be waived, and it was. I also filed 2017's this year, and I am guessing the $3 refund is for 2017. I sent the deposit into USAA b/c the USAA app can't stay on your phone. I wish you were here b/c your phone is out of memory and I am reading all the tips and tricks in how to create/generate more memory on a phone. It worked for my phone and Koi's- but you have a lot of files on your phone and I'm not willing to delete them. They may be important- like some of it is old tax info. I just can't get rid of it.

Anyhow, Koi is waiting for me and she's getting restless. I will write again tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much, Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 17, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 12, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's been so long since I've written. I think about you every day and especially at night. I've been really sad and despondent in the evenings when I think of you. On top of things, Koi's much anticipated IEP meeting tomorrow has been abruptly and suddenly cancelled. Fishy, eh? I've been anticipating this meeting b/c I don't think Koi is getting the supports she needs. Her teacher just cancelled the meeting, b/c I had emailed her and told her about some of my concerns. I guess I just should have kept my mouth shut and waited until the meeting before I said a word. Hindsight, right? So now we have to wait for her teacher to let us know when we can meet. Time is of the essence and it's driving me crazy. And now, Koi's sitting in cold water, so I'm boiling water like crazy. I have so much to do in general, like that stuff with the VA, but I need to get Koi's school situation squared away first. I'm not busy, and yet I'm swamped, if that makes any sense. You'd think I'd be busy enough not to be sad all the time, but no dice. I'm sad all the time. I think of you and how much I miss you. It breaks my heart over and over again. It's unbearable, and it's only getting worse. That's why I've stopped writing every night. But I need to start back up again. I don't ever want to slack and stop writing. I don't want you to think I'm forgetting about you. That's impossible. I think about you all the time, each and every day. Missing you consumes me. I want the grief to turn into good memories, but I am not able to do it. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much.... G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 12, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 10, 2018
Hi, Dad. Sorry I didn't write last night. I stayed up until 3am. I started composing what I was going to say to you, but I just didn't have it in me to write it. I was so distraught. I still am. I function throughout the day, but at night, I am consumed with heartbreak and anxiety. I want you to come back so badly. I miss you so much. There is a giant hole in my heart and I'm just going through the motions. Thanks to your Subaru, I was able to drive today to find a McD's for Koi (and me and MK). It was snowing so hard this morning- and it turned to rain. It was pretty easy to drive it, thanks to you teaching me years ago. But not one McDonald's was open We kept driving, and we finally found one in Raleigh. No school tomorrow, of course. You taught me so much, and driving is just another one of many things that you taught me how to do. MK says that stuff like that you have to learn at a young age. Whatever the reason, I'll take it. You are the best Dad in the Universe. It's hard to write you at night. I wait until I'm almost falling asleep, and then I make no sense at what I'm writing. It's the only way I can function, write, and then hang on for another day. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for everything- you've taught me so much. You taught me how to drive, how to pretty much do everything. Most importantly, you taught me how to love unconditionally. And for that I will always be so incredibly grateful. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 8, 2018
Hi, Dad. The grief- the pain- the heartache. It's unbearable tonight. I keep thinking about how I was with you after your stroke. I didn't engage with you enough. I was afraid. I talked to you- but I didn't really connect with you. I should have tried harder. I was scared. I didn't know what was going to happen. I was trying to stay positive and task-oriented. I should have just stopped, looked you in the eye, and told you how much I love you. You should not have had that stroke. I am convinced your pace maker surgery was botched. I'm so angry. I can't let it go. I'm going to lay down because it's too painful to stop and think about it. And I can't talk to you tonight w/o thinking about it over and over again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you. God, I miss you so much. I hate the holidays. Are you around? Please give me a sign if you are. MK says you're always with her. Are you with me? I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 8, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well. I don't know where the day went- again. I was supposed to write ya this morning, and I don't know how the day got away from me. I'm soooo sorry. Again. Koi's sick and she had her horseback riding this afternoon. I call it going to the "horse house" just like you used to call it. We're doing a different place this time- no more "Horse and Money" but we're doing "Horses for Hope." They're much better b/c they're smaller and more hands-on. You can feed the horse and be more involved in his/her care. Koi's horse is named "Sienna." She's the biggest, most gentle horse at the farm. The farm's out in Fuquay. You would really like it- much better than the other place. There is also a barn cat- he doesn't scratch or bite like the other cat. His name is "Smokey" and he's a sweetie. I miss you so much, Dad. Everything reminds me of you. I'm really missing you and just wishing so much I could have another day with you. I love you to the moon and back. To be continued- I promise. This time I won't renig... I can just hear you laughing. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Let's hope Koi is feeling better tomorrow, eh? Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 7, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm so beat tonight. It's 11:30pm- where did the night go? Koi is still sick, and I need to get her to bed if I'm going to attempt to send her to school tomorrow. I don't know if she's gonna make it, but nonetheless... please forgive me for not writing tonight, ok? I will write tomorrow morning- I promise. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you so much. There is a huge hole in my heart. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 5, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. Guess who is sick- again? Yup- Koi. πŸ™ She's got a pretty bad cold, and I don't know how she hung in there all day at school today. Poor thing. Nancy emailed me yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to respond to her until today. She's doing okay- just finished putting up her Christmas decorations and such. I also put up our outdoor Christmas tree that lights up. You bought it four years ago for Koi. I remember you wanted to get her something nice for Christmas, and I wasn't living with all of you that year. It was one of the worst Christmases ever, almost as horrible as last year. I guess we'll have our second Christmas without you this year, and it will be heartbreaking yet again. I'm just so sad, Dad. I'm having a hard time coping with life without you. I love Koi but it's not enough to keep me going. But don't worry- I'll keep at it. I won't do anything stupid. I know you wouldn't want me to do anything like that. You used to tell me *that* was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I guess. But you not being here isn't going to change. I hate it. I'm going to clean the shower and then lay down. I just want to heartache to stop. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 4, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's a little bit earlier than last night, but still late (10:40ish). I'm trying to get Koi to sleep, but she's been gassy, ripping farts in the tub and it's been horrible. Ugh! I do want her to get a good night's sleep, but at the same time, I kind of want her to stay awake, just in case (if you know what I mean). I hope her tummy is okay- God knows what she picks up while at school. I have an IEP meeting on the 13th, so I'll be looking for your guidance (and present) somewhere, some way. I don't want you to think I'm only asking you for things, because that's definitely not the way I want to sound. Of course you're my guardian, so I'm going to wish for things, but the one thing I wish for the most, is you. I would give anything in the world to bring you back. I miss you so much, Dad. I can't look at old pictures, or old albums- anything. It's still too fresh and painful. I'm falling asleep. No idea one night I'm wide awake while the other night I'm just falling asleep. I guess I better put Koi to sleep and join her, eh? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 3, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 2, 2018
Hi, Dad. Where do the hours go? Where do the days go? Where do the years go? Life is so short. It's so precious. I wish so much I would have spent more time with you. I have so many regrets. Coulda shoulda woulda as you used to say. I feel it, and it burns. I miss you so much. I still regret not going to see one of the last Star Wars movies with you. I know we saw episode VII together, but I wanted to see VIII too. You asked me if it was okay if you could go alone- because I kept stalling. I don't want to blame MK, but it was her fault. It was. She used to get all butt hurt if I would do things w/o her- if I would choose you over her. I knew you were more self-aware and more grounded than her. So that's why I always let her win. And you knew that. I have so much resentment for her. I still do. I wish you were still here. I'm sorry in the end I wasn't very nice to you, either. It was MK's fault. It was. She frustrated me- and she was the cruelest. She loved you but she has a heck of a way of showing it, doesn't she? One day she would feed you soup and the next day she would proclaim that you would have to go into managed care- because she was unable to deal with things. She was a basket case. I kept reassuring her that you would get better. "Give it a year" I would say, and she would shut up. But I was no martyr. I could have been a lot kinder to you. I should have spent more time with you. We kept you at the VA not because we wanted you there- it was because we were scared. We didn't know how to care for you. You staying at a hospital with round the clock nurses gave us peace of mind, knowing someone was always looking out for you (more or less). Big picture- they let you down. They did nothing to help you get back on your feet. I hate them, too. I have so much resentment and despair. I doubt I will ever let it go. Nothing sustains you more than a good hate, right? I love you, Dad. I hate the world but I love you more than anything. I love you to the moon and back. And I would give anything- my own life- to bring you back. You are a soul who deserves to still be here. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I'm going to lay down with Koi but you are always on my mind. I'm sorry I've been writing nothing but brainfarts and streams of consciousness. My brain is jumbled and fearful of exploring my true emotions. I love you until the end of time. I'll see you one day soon, ok? Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 2, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's been a few days. My sleep schedule has been so wonky lately. Both Koi and I have totally passed out early- and instead of waking up, showering, and then going to bed at 3am- we've opted just to keep sleeping until the next day. Then, we wake up (pretty early), and then shower. That in and of itself, creates a new, equally chaotic, scenario that had trapped us. Today, we are finally going to try to break out of it- we took a shower early today, but then we took another one at night. That way, we can get up in the morning and go about our day, like we usually do- and then shower at night. Anyhow, my goal is to try to get Koi to bed at a reasonable hour, so she doesn't take naps after school (and then sleep through until the next day- but then waking up a bit too early). I know, excuses, excuses, right? Secondly, instead of getting easier- it's getting harder for me to put thoughts into words. I have so many racing thoughts. They all focus around your life, your illness, and your passing. They all involve guilt and responsibility- and failure. Today I keep thinking about the day you had your stroke. I remember you wanted me to take you to the ER early that day. But Koi was in school. I was annoyed with you, because I took you to the ER just one or two days ago (Friday to Saturday maybe- and you had your stroke on a Monday). You called me and you were impatient. You screamed at me to hurry up and get you. I know you didn't mean anything by it- but I was annoyed. So when you wanted me to take you to the ER on Monday, I said to you- if I take you to the ER early- then I will have to leave you there to pick up Koi from school. So I basically said I would prefer to take you in the early evening. That way, I will have picked up Koi, fed her dinner, and then I would have my entire evening free to take you to the ER and stay with you (and bring you home). I feel like had I taken you to the ER earlier, they could have stopped the bleeding or at least slowed it down more- by reversing your blood thinners earlier. Then your recovery could have been better. You could have regained mobility. If you had regained mobility, and you were walking- then you would have lived longer. Right? Right. But I took you to the ER around 6 or 7pm. Wait. I didn't even take you to the ER. When you deleted your phone, accidentally- I knew something was gravely wrong- so I called 911. The paramedics came to our home and informed me you were having a stroke. Was it that time- you told the paramedics how to get to the ER and you seemed fine? Or was that another time? I don't know. But I did call 911 and I feel like had I taken you sooner, they could have gotten you the help you needed. Sooner. That's all for tonight. I guess I eventually plan on hashing out all of my issues over your tribute wall- that way, I can get them out and think about them. I want to be able to have some answers- or at least know what to ask. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I am just so sorry that you're not here. My life isn't the same w/o you, nor is anyone else's. You have left such a huge void in our lives. I feel like a shell, just going through the motions. I love you so much. If I don't write about specifics every day, it's because it's just too painful. Sometimes I just need a day to write about stupid stuff. Sometimes I need a day not to write- because writing is too difficult and painful. It's all hard, Dad. It's hard to cope. I want to make you proud, but I am so far from doing so. Don't give up on me. I'll try my best. But it's going to take a long, long time. I love you so much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
December 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't write last night. I ended up taking a nap (Koi did too), which, you know, causes chaos with her (my) sleeping schedule. We were up until 3:30 in the morning. I was so tired- I was almost unable to sleep. I was too wired to compose anything meaningful (not that I ever can), so I knew you'd understand. I fell asleep briefly again this afternoon/early evening. You were in my dream. You were still alive, but sick. You were standing up, but you were being forgetful. I was worried about you- it was you post-stroke, but you were standing. I woke up thinking it was reality. I'm a little shaken by it. Why would I dream about you not being yourself 100%? I don't know. I think I am feeling a lot of anxiety this time of year. This time of year reminds me of you- and the fact that you're not here. I feel like I am partially to blame. Had I taken better care of you? Had I paid for a nursing company to come to our home and give you 24/7 care? I thought I could do it all, and yet I did have to leave you by yourself here and there. I know that bothered you a lot. Luckily you slept during the day, but you were up all night. I used to panic, because you were up all night (often), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get up and help you or care for you. There is so much guilt, because I really did fail you. I don't want to write about it tonight. It's heartbreaking. I'm not at that point where I can reflect fondly and smile when I think of you. I don't think I ever will. Yes, I do smile when I think of you- especially when I think of something funny you used to say/think. But I think I will forever be heartbroken by the fact you're no longer here. I'll never be okay with it, and I'll never be myself again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 28, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm falling asleep- again. I'm going to say g'night and say that I love and miss you. I just want to sleep and forget. This time of night, I always revert back to my feelings- how much that you mean to me. It takes me to that dark place, and then I try to write my way out of my feelings. Tonight- I'm too mentally exhausted to try. I think that Magic 8 Ball (as stupid as it sounds) gave me some hope. Yes, I asked the 8 ball a couple of questions, and it gave me favorable answers. I can just hear you laughing out loud, but I still have hope that you are around on some level. I love you so much, Dad. I love you so much. I'm going to hit the sack and pray for sleep and relief. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day, although today wasn't a total waste. I did get the screen on Koi's iphone fixed. That's something, right? I hope and miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I will never stop loving and missing you. Tomorrow is another day- and I promise to write something meaningful and of substance. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 27, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, it's super late on a Sunday night, so I can't write very much right now. Koi took awhile to do her "business" so I was waiting for hours tonight. She delivered, though... so that's why I'm running a bit late. You know the drill all too well. I was watching something and it totally triggered the day you passed away. I started thinking about how I called 911 too late... how they worked on your for an hour and a half with no success. I really can't bear to think about it. I think about it, and then I start to panic, and then I try to forget about it. It's such an internal conflict. I don't want to forget it, and yet I do want to forget it. It's too traumatizing. And I know- you were the one who suffered the most. I feel so selfish even being upset about it. You're the one who suffered for eight months, and then you believed me when I said it was going to be all right. I believed it was going to be all right. But I can't forgive myself- because I kept reassuring you that you were going to be all right. I was scared, but overall, I did truly believe you were going to get well. I still don't understand to this day how you deteriorated so rapidly. Why did you pass away? The stroke didn't kill you. Why did you succumb to everything else. To this day, I don't understand it.
Koi is kind of half-crying. I don't know if she still has a tummy ache, or she's role playing, or some of each. It's hard to tell- she's had a stomach bug for almost two weeks. I can't believe she's still sick. I'm going to try to send her to school tomorrow. I bet the teacher calls me yet again to pick her up. She can't handle Koi. I have a meeting with Koi's teacher in the next week or two (or three). I hope we can come to a resolve. Anyhow, I'm sorry I just can't think of anything meaningful to write tonight. I'm full of emotion and yet I'm mentally exhausted. I don't know why- but I just want to sleep and forget. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so very much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 25, 2018
Hi, Dad. I took a nap this morning in your bed, and it felt so comforting. It's one of the only times I feel so close to you. Koi was up all night with a tummy ache, and she had a blow out at 5am this morning. She finally went back to sleep around 9am, and instead of crawling into my bed (and waking her up), I decided to lay down in your bed. It was so nice. I just felt close to you. I was reminded of the times when I was a child and we would cuddle on Saturday mornings. You would always tickle fight me and just horse around. Those were the days. Also, laying in your bed just brings me back to when you use to lay in it. You would complain about the size and how stiff it was. I sleep really well there. I feel protected by you for some reason. I just feel enveloped by you when I lay down there. I'll never get rid of that bed. It's honestly one of the few things I have left of you. I am wondering where your dog tags are. They've got to be somewhere in the house, and I am desperate to find them. I want to have them and put them on display- in my room. I know you used to travel with them, but I know you must have them somewhere. Anyhow, I'm digressing. I'm going to hit the sack, since it's quite late here and I just want the day to end. Like you, I have chest pains tonight. It's scary, isn't it? I'm sure it's indigestion, but it reminds me of you. You used to get serious chest pains. I used to think you were imagining things, and now I realize that you really did have a heart condition. Oh how I have eaten my words. You're right- I do miss you terribly and I wish so much I hadn't rolled my eyes or joked about your illnesses. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. I just didn't want to think about you dying so I brushed it off and made a joke out of it. I'm not saying I wish I had- I just wish I could have realized this earlier. I'm so incredibly sorry. I hope you can one day find it in your heart to forgive me. Anyhow, so I'm pretty depressed at nights, so I guess I'll just hit the sack. I love you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 24, 2018
Oh look- someone sent you flowers. You see? People are still thinking about you. You are not forgotten- ever. I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that you're not here. I think about you every minute of every day. Maybe an abnormal amount, eh? But I just can't get over the fact that you're not here. To me, it happened so suddenly. I feel like your passing was unjust and could have been prevented. It makes me sick to my stomach. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. You were always my inspiration, and you always will be. I snuck away today and got another commemorative piece- this time, for MK, though. Since she was born in the Year of the Tiger, I wanted to get a tiger. I originally wanted a similar style to the dragon (your dragon) on my other leg. But my tattoo guy was a flake and I ended up getting some roses from Lee- the ink guy's Master (he was Lee's apprentice and honestly he sucks). But the dragon is decent. I opted for a Korean tiger- a simpler style, and it looks really good. I'm still not finished getting things that commemorate you. I can't get as much as I'd like to- mainly b/c MK is so against it. I would like to find a drawing of The Hindmost and get that one day. That would so badass. Anyhow, Nancy is emailing me- she went to Ole Miss with Kim to watch a football game and she really had the time of her life. She looks good and she seems happy, even though she complains a lot. I wish so much you were still here. It really upsets me that you're no longer here when your Mom lived a long life and I'm sure Nancy will, too. Your Father lived longer than you did as well. You always told me that life isn't fair, but never did it ring true like now. I am just so angry and feel like your doctors dropped the ball with your care. They didn't do anything after your stroke except call APS on us for what? For caring for you and wanting you to be at home instead of an old folks' home? My regrets are many, but it was never a lack of care. I get so angry when I think about that. I'm just going to say I love you- I love you so much and it just hurts knowing that you're not here. I love you to the moon and back. And let me leave on that note. Let me fall asleep so I don't feel the pain, ok? You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you dearly. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 23, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's 1:30am again. Not super late, but Koi is about to fall asleep, so I guess I'll hop into bed with her and cuddle with her a bit. I feel really bad because Glenn called, and I assumed he had nothing to do/nowhere to go today. You know how he always calls on Thanksgiving, and he asks if MK is cooking. I bet he's still dreaming about that stuffing that he'll never get again. So like a fool, I call him back immediately and guess what? He's about to board a plane to Portland, going up to Seattle as well (no idea who is up there cough cough). I can't believe this guy is still mooching off his brother's wives' cooking, being fifty some years old. Get a life. And he is short with me on the phone, impatient and can't wait to hang up. Why call, dude? I hope he gets his one day. It made me sad for Koi because her Dad sucks and I had one of the best Dads in the world. I still don't get how a Dad can walk away from his own child, and I guess having zero relationship with her. I'm sure his view is totally different. He loves playing the victim and it really gets under my skin. I'm sure he still maintains that it's my fault he can't see Koi. Anyhow, he's on his way to Portland and so he hangs up on me. Koi left him a nice "happy Thanksgiving" message for him and then when he called back, I tried to make her say it again, but she is smart. She didn't. Heh. Anyhow, so I am totally bummed about that but I guess we all had a nice day. Tomorrow I'm going to get some bloodwork done and then I'll most likely take Koi to the park, like I did today. Nothing too eventful. I wish I could give her tons of vacations. It's just hard to do when you're alone. Even if you have the money it's impossible to do things like that completely alone. Plus, MK can't stand it when I leave the nest. She goes crazy with jealousy and then goes from zero to sixty and will probably kick me out of the house just for wanting to do something with Koi that doesn't involve her. She's nuts. So I stay at home and do nothing but walk Koi to the park. Koi loses out in more ways than one. I'm just a giant failure in life. I made so many bad choices and those choices really set my life back. I'm trying to turn it around. Maybe it'll happen. I really feel like giving up most days. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I was so lucky to have you as my Dad. You were the best Dad in the Universe, hands down. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 23, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 22, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't feel so well tonight- not like I'm sick- just tired and a bit sweaty and shaky. Maybe it's hypoglycemia. I'm thirsty, too. Anyhow, I just feel like I need to lay down- moreso than usual. I'm always tired by the time I write you in the evening, and I apologize if my chicken scratchings always sound rushed and halfhearted. I know I sound that way but the truth of the matter is- sometimes it's just too painful to write you. Often, it's helpful and cathartic. But often, it just hurts to dredge up everything I feel- throughout the day- and then I have to put it in writing and make sense of it. I can't make sense of it. I don't want to feel the pain that I do. I emailed Nancy back and forth a few times today and I just cannot stop thinking about you. The holidays always make me think about you- probably because you passed right before the holidays started. I wish so much you would have lived to see another Christmas. I still cannot believe you passed away so quickly. I just don't understand it. Why didn't you get better. I can't help but think the hospital did (or did not) do something to you. Because it doesn't make sense. Why did they discharge you after only one week? Was it something we did? We did everything we were able (or thought we could do). I mean, there was no instruction book on how to care for a loved one. We had no guidance. Why didn't the hospital help us or at least give us some guidance? I have so many unanswered questions. And this time of year, I just cannot stop thinking of you. I know you expected me to call 911 because I told you I did. And the truth of the matter is- I did not call 911 until it was too late. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. You might still be here today. I just can't stop thinking about everything. I just take medicine at night and hope to pass out. I hate my brain and I hate thinking about it- and how I failed you. I love you so much, Dad. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but what do I have to be thankful for? I would give anything if you were still here. We won't be doing anything. The bakery is open tomorrow until 2pm- the one that is located inside Whole Foods. I may go there and get Koi her cookies. I should wake up early tomorrow. It's almost 1am, but luckily Koi is asleep. I love you to the moon and back. God, I miss you. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 21, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 20, 2018
Dad- I am dozing off bigtime, so I will just say goo- night and I loves you. I dunno why I didn't write earlier today. I had about one hour of sleep b/c Koi had the gravy sh**s last night. She woke up right when I was going to bed. Then, she kicked and tossed and turned for another hour, and then she got up and "boom." I didn't wake up MK and disposed of all the poo on my own. MK still claims she's "exhausted" and she's asleep now. Ugh. Koi's teacher texted me this morning to pick Koi up b/c Koi had her head on her desk and wanted to go home. MK flipped out- she demanded to talk to the Principal and she just went off. I'm glad she did- because she doesn't want to attend the IEP next month, but I'm glad she voiced her opinion. You would be proud. I love you so much, Dawg. I'm in that dark place tonight, so let me just wrap myself in the arms of morpheus and pass out until tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 20, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 20, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's late and I've been doing nothing, since getting out of the shower. Koi fell asleep next to me and I'm still just sitting here, watching stupid stuff on YouTube. I guess my anxiety is high. Koi is farting up a storm and I swear I have PTSD about her spewing diarrhea everywhere. Only you could understand such craziness. You were always with me when Koi was a baby. How many poo-storms did we endure? Remember the green chair I made you take to the dump at six in the morning? Good times. Remember how we used to wake up at three in the morning, with Koi, only to watch Sprout on t.v. and go back to bed at 8am? You always went to the bakery, faithfully, to get Koi her croissants. You were the best Grandpa in the world. The Universe. I miss you so much. Koi eats choco chip cookies still but she's cut out the croissants. I'm kind of glad, b/c puberty has kicked in and she's put on some weight. She looks like me when I was young, I guess πŸ™ Anyhow... I love and miss you, Dad. I'll write tomorrow- and not as late. I don't know why I stay up so late and do nothing. I will be hurting tomorrow morning, less than five hours later. Ugh. I wrote Nance, too. She's doing well. She dog sits a lot. I'm glad we're still in touch. Thanks for giving me an extended family, when I had none. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I'm so depressed over the holidays. I think about you and how my life is just a big ball of crap w/o you. You brought me such laughter and love. I miss my best friend. I hope you are around somewhere. MK says she talks to you all the time. I wish I could talk to you. Maybe I lack faith. You used to tell me if I had the faith of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain. I would give anything to see you again. I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow, ok? You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 20, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 18, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't know why I am so exhausted. I think I'm mentally drained from doing the exact same thing three days in a row- train (at the strip mall), dinner, and stroller (walk to Walmart or Walgreens at night in the freezing cold, pushing a stroller). I am so beat. It's late- almost 1am, but not as late as it's been the last two nights. But Koi is going to try to go to school tomorrow, so I'm not gonna write a whole lot. When I walk Koi in her stroller late at night, I look up at the stars and think of you. I look for the North Star and think of you. Are you somewhere looking at that same star? At one point you were. What did you think? I know you thought a lot about people who passed before you. Your ancestors. Your Dad, the Inventor. You learned a whole lot of things about your Dad after he passed, and I feel like that is the direction I want to go. But the things about you I just can't learn. Everything is a secret, eh? I mean, what you did isn't in the history books, although it should be. How do I learn about you? MK says you did so much for our Country. But I'll never know the details. You kept your word, your oath, until the very end. I just wish I could pay homage to you in some way. But I can't. I don't know how. Anyhow, I'm going to lay down with Koi and try to just forget about my pain until tomorrow- five hours from now. I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you so much. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I'm sorry- I didn't mean to break my promise. I don't think I took too much medicine tonight, but I am feeling like I did.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 18, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 18, 2018
Hi, Dad. Today was another hectic day where there aren't enough hours. Koi, God love her, sometimes has unrealistic expectations as to what we can do in one day. This is the second day/night in a row, where she's wanted to do a LOT in a small amount of time. We spent the day at the strip mall and we found a bounce house. Turns out, it was a karate shop's holiday party and we crashed it. Then, we went to the bakery for her cookies, and then back to the strip mall so she could ride the holiday train- twice. Then, we went to Chick Fil A, and then home- only to get in the stroller and have me push her (at night) to Walgreens. We got some bath bombs, and then we came home (and then shower and here we are). It's 2:30am! Last night, we were walking around at 10:30 and 11pm! Can you imagine? I don't know how MK lets me do such nonsense, but she does. Granted, last night she called me like a crazed psychotic boyfriend lol, but still- she didn't tell at me. I kind of snapped at her tonight b/c she was pushing me to get Koi out of the tub. I screamed at her- not because I was angry, but just to give her an idea as to how she makes me feel- startled and belittled. The point was missed, and I think I was kind of a jerk to her. I was going to apologize to her but she's sleeping now, so I'll just let it be until tomorrow. I think Koi's tummy is still bugging her. I am staying up a little bit to make sure she still doesn't have the runs. I hope not. Nancy wrote me, but I don't have time to write her back. I feel bad, but I will definitely write her tomorrow. Anyhow, I'm sorry for all the excuses. I've been thinking about you so much lately. I replay our last day together over and over in my mind- and think about what I should have done differently. It's really messing me up. I don't know how to get through it. I don't want to get over it, but I want to be able to not obsess over it. I feel so responsible and like I let you down. I wish so much you were still here so we could talk. I miss talking to you. You were my best friend in the whole world. I regret not spending more time with you. I know we spent a lot of time together compared to most children and their parents but still- I wish I had been more patient with you, because you were doing nothing wrong. I just wish I wasn't such an impatient jerk. I am such a jerk sometimes. I have so many regrets. I'm going to go to bed. I promise not to take as much medicine as I did last night- I felt horrible as a result. I just wanted to numb the pain. But it made me sick instead. I only took a little bit of medicine tonight and I promise you I won't take any more. I love you so much- I love you to the moon and back. I will write again tomorrow and hopefully be more positive. I'm going to lay down with Koi and pray that she doesn't have the runs and I hope we have a decent day tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so very much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 18, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 17, 2018
I'm so sorry I didn't write last night. I ended up going to bed super late b/c we left the house super late. I promise I will write when I get home- Koi wants to go out, and I need to take her out at a reasonable (daytime) hour or else MK gets on my back about going out late at night. Love you so much, Dawg. I miss you so much. xoxo G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 17, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. How's things? So I feel like you were sending me a message today- about life and wanting to be in it. I keep saying how I really don't care too much for life at this point. I keep saying that I often feel like I just want to throw in the towel and join you. I know I'm not supposed to say those things, but I've always been honest with you. I miss you so much. So yesterday the Doc was telling me that my WBC count was low. So she repeated some blood tests, and I *thought* I read the results (and I thought I read that my WBC count was low- again). And then I started thinking about worst-case scenarios (like I always do, in life, basically)... and I was pretty much thinking I had cancer and I was going to die. I started thinking about how I would be leaving Koi- and this was not the way I intended on leaving Koi- at least not in this stage of the game. It really got me thinking. And I was wrong. It's not that I have this strong will to live. But rather, I keep thinking how I really need to stick around- if not for me- but for Koi. I don't mean to sound like a martyr... because that is the last thing I am lol. However, I was wrong about thinking that I could just leave at any point in the game. I really do have a duty and obligation to love and care for Koi as long as I can possibly hold on. So I'm sorry if I have been so flippant and negative lately. It negates how precious life is. I know that you had so much life left in you. MK even said today how you should not have had the pacemaker surgery- because, they obviously f'ed it up (we still think this- and it led to your stroke and subsequent downfall). And yet- I encouraged you to get the surgery. I bought into the medical model, and I believed what the doctors told me about "investing in your health." Looking back, it was the worst thing you could have done, eh?I feel so responsible for encouraging you to have the surgery. I could not have been more wrong. You deserved to live so much longer. We were also talking about how you only lived seven more years than your Mother, Alice. I still can't believe it. You really and truly deserve to still be here. I so wish you were. I love you to the moon and back. And I promise I will embrace how precious and fleeting life is. God, I miss you so much, Dad. It hurts. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love always and forever, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. What a day. Koi has been up since 5:30am. She's had cramping and the runs πŸ™ Ugh. They seemed to have stopped in the afternoon, but she hasn't really had a full meal yet. So I don't know if she's 100%- and so I can't, in good conscience, take her to school tomorrow. That also means she'll miss Special Olympics tomorrow, but I guess it'll be okay. The fall one isn't as big of a deal as the spring one. It'll be okay. Hopefully she'll be able to make it on Friday. Anyhow, I hope you doing well. My keyboard isn't really responding to the space bar, so I have to go back and hit the space bar twice- what a pain. I hope my computer doesn't crap out on me- that is just the one thing I do not need right now. I'm really bummed about the Special Olympics thing. I also hope she can still go horseback riding. I don't have an issue with taking her, despite missing school, since it's of therapeutic value. We'll see. I just hope she doesn't poo the bed. Anyhow, I love you, Dad. I miss you so much. I've been cleaning up so much poo today- knee deep in sh** as you would say. But hey- it's a job only a Mom will do, right?I would give anything to care for you again. I wish so much I had poured my heart in it more. I wish I hadn't complained. I wish so much I wasn't afraid. MK wasn't kind and neither was I. I just hope you are now surrounded by love and acceptance. I'm sorry if I could not give it to you. I love you more than anything, and I just wish I could have expressed that more. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 14, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, I sure talked a lot last night, didn't I? MK kind of saw me upset earlier today and for the first time in a long time, she was actually trying to ask me what was the matter. I was finally able to articulate that I just have a lot of regrets regarding the way I treated you and how I didn't spend as much time with you as I should have. I do have a lot of regrets. I regret not actually helping you in a meaningful way when you were ill. I regret not being more patient with you. I regret not spending more time with you when you were well. And I regret not listening to you more and not taking the time to spend quality time with you. I think all of us living together really kind of made me take you for granted. Sometimes I think about all of that stuff and it overwhelms me. So earlier today MK could tell I was upset. She thought it may have been something she did or said, but once I told her it was me missing you, she went back to not caring lol. I took her to H Mart and she stuffed herself with bi bim bap. Same ole MK. She says she's not upset because you're always with her. She says that the two of you have conversations about Koi and her future. I wish I had some conversations with you. She says it's the way she views life and death and I agree. I think I must view it differently and that's why I am in so much despair. I can't exactly change the way I am- I think I'm a lot like you. The last night you were with us, you told me you were afraid. I told your nurse this after you passed away and she told me you said that because the angels visited you and you didn't know who they were. It's strange to think your nurse claims she can see angels when she was the most rational, matter-of-fact kind of person I had ever met. I wish I could have talked to her more, but I did have that one conversation with her. She claims she had been seeing angels the two weeks prior to your passing, and that's how she knew it was coming. And she is convinced you saw the angels and they are what you were scared of. I don't know, but clearly you saw something that scared you. I hope I said the right things to you. I told you that you had no reason to be scared because you were home and you were with the people who love you so much. I don't know. I wish I had known. I left you around 4:30 in the morning to sleep in my bed until 7am, knowing you needed me. But I couldn't stay up any longer. I wish I had. I'm glad I slept, because I at least was able to function that day, but I wish I never left the house to run stupid errands and I wish I had never slept when I did. I have so so many regrets and that's where I don't want my mind to go every single night. It's too painful. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to lay down now with Koi and try to forget how heartbroken I am. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 13, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 12, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry it's been days since I've written. I let one night slip by, because I fell asleep. But then I let last night go, because it was too painful to talk to you. I wanted to write something special for you on Veteran's Day. But I can't. I can't go where my heart is hurting. I can't go to that dark place and pull out the words to express what I am feeling. I just exist day to day, going through the motions. I'm not living- just existing. I don't think I will ever truly live again. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it's how I'm feeling. I have so many feelings of guilt and self-loathing. When you were sick, I was just going through the motions, too. I have added guilt during that time. I was unable to make smart, educated decisions regarding your care, because I didn't want to think about what was going on. Even then, I was only existing. I tried to stay positive for you, and I also didn't want to address what was really going on. I guess, looking back, you were dying. I thought you would make it. I wanted your illness to end. I wanted you to go back to the way you were. Once you became oxygen dependent, I felt so desperate. I didn't want to keep going myself. Things were getting harder and harder, and I felt more and more desperate. I wanted it all to end- but not to be confused with you. I didn't want you to pass- I wanted your illness to just go away. I kept saying it was no big deal, and we would handle whatever came our way. But in reality, I just wanted life to go back to the way it was. I still want life to go back to the way it was. Our family isn't complete anymore. I don't get along with MK. I walk on eggshells around her, much like we all did before. I know this is terrible to say. But I wish it was her and not you. I don't get along with her and you were the one who I was close to. You were the one I could talk to and be myself. I knew you loved and accepted me. And I don't feel that way at all with MK. She has so much anger and she is a miserable person. She blames me for every single thing every single day. It's a miserable existence. And you know how impossible it is to break free from her. My life is very much like a caged animal. I know you wanted more for me. Maybe one day. But for now, I simply exist. I try to do my best for Koi. I try to be a positive role model to her, and I try so much to show her constant love and acceptance. She does drive me crazy at times (and she knows it), but she knows I love her. MK has never once said she loves me, is proud of me (hah), or that she cares about me. But enough about that. Today is about you and all the sacrifices you made. You made the ultimate sacrifice for our Country. People thank you for your service- they still see your license plate and thank us- for your service. I know how much that bugged you. They mean well. It comes from a good place. But I know they don't understand. I know they never lived it. I know they never "went." But you did- and you paid the ultimate price for it. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you more than words can express. I am constantly in a state of despair. I would give anything to bring you back. I would give my life to bring you back. I wish so much you didn't leave me. I feel so lost. I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 12, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 9, 2018
Hey, Dad. 24 hours later... I'm still dragging. It's been a rough week. I'm looking forward to sleeping in a little bit tomorrow (hopefully). Koi has been staying up really late over the last couple of days and as I get older, it's just harder and harder to keep up. This weekend is a three-day weekend. In NC, the kids get Veteran's Day off, which makes no sense (to me at least). Honestly I don't want the day off, because it just gives me free time to think about your many sacrifices and the fact that you are no longer here. It's hard. Harder for you. I wish I could drive up to see you this weekend, too. I just can't with Koi. Traveling is so difficult with her these days. She used to love a long road trip, but now- well. She's very patient and easy in the car. But she hates leaving her comfort zone. It still doesn't stop me from visiting you, but my visits aren't long (one overnight) and I can't drive up as much as I would if it was just me. But MK and I (and Koi) will be driving up again real soon to lay a Christmas wreath by your grave. I do not know when we'll come up- I need to talk to MK about it. But I want to book the room soon. Plus, I think we only have to do one more stay and we will get a free stay because of "points." The catch is- you have to use your free overnight within one year of earning the points. Basically, we need to use the free overnight stay before Feb. 13, 2019. We can do that, and I'm happy about it. Koi will just have to deal with it- she'll be okay. She's young and she's got to learn some resilience. I know a lot of her rigidity has to do with her disability, but we aren't harming her- so she'll be okay. I hate that I can't visit you this weekend. I don't know if the folks at ANC will lay flags by every marker this weekend. I hope so. I wish someone would take a picture for me, but MK is crazy (as you know) and the last time I asked a friend to take a picture of your flag, she flipped out. She thinks it's disrespectful to have random people visiting your grave. So be it. She screwed you over in life, and she continues to do so in death. And that's just how I feel. She's MK and whatever- I guess I love her. But boy, she makes my life so unbearably miserable. I'm sure I'll miss her one day, but for now? Nah. She drives me nuts. It's so much harder now that you're gone. You used to be my biggest ally and advocate. Now, I'm fed to the wolves with her. She constantly nitpicks and nags me. She's paranoid, judgmental, critical, unkind and totally micromanages me on a constant basis. Anyhow. This weekend our neighborhood is having a Diwali party/celebration, so I think Koi and I will be doing that- fireworks and light Indian food (which Koi will love- not). Hey if it's a party, I'll be there. Also our local strip mall is having some sort of Diwali thing, so we may check that out as well. It's something to do tomorrow. I have no idea what we'll do on tomorrow- but we always figure it out, right? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much. Life isn't the same, nor is it as good- without you here. I feel like I am operating at 50% without you here. Colors aren't as bright, sounds aren't as loud, and nothing smells or tastes good anymore. Life is mediocrity and I don't see it changing. Aunt Nancy sent us a really nice card with her Church's program for All Saints Day (honoring those they lost last year- your name front and center). She cautions me to start enjoying my life, because it's what you would have wanted. Hah- she doesn't know you! You and MK never want me to be happy- hah! You both think I've screwed up my life and I deserve misery while also being a decent Mother to Koi (which I am not, but I always need to try, right?) I don't know what compliment feels like, but I will say that you did occasionally praise me (before four years ago). And I always did appreciate that. But nah- I'm not going to be happy anytime soon. That's just the way I've been raised and it's my existence. But I hope Koi is happy- I try really hard not to let my sadness affect her. I don't think it does. I don't cry a lot in front of her, although she did see me a few times over the last year. She is such a gem, and she is the one who makes my life worth living. Everything else does not. I miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to lay down and pray for sleep soon. I can't lay here and think about things. Please pray for the sleep gods. I love you, Dad. Love G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 9, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 9, 2018
Hey Dad- I'm falling asleep here, so let me write to you in the morning, ok? I love you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. And I miss you terribly, Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 9, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, I goofed yesterday and didn't write you. I remembered just as I lay down, and with Koi laying on top of me (lol), I knew you would understand if I decided just to skip it for one night. Actually, I was going to write you first thing in the morning- and of course I completely forgot (or was too out of it in the mornings, like always). Sorry about that. Last night was really hard for me- as are most nights. I'm still thinking about the weekend and the fact that it has been about one year since we lost you. It absolutely does not get any easier. You don't even get used to the idea of your Loved One not being around. The more I think about it, the more crazy I drive myself. I cannot accept the fact that you aren't coming back. I thought about an analogy as to how I feel since you've been gone. I don't feel whole. I'm not even half of a person now. I know it must sound strange- these words coming from your daughter and not your wife. It's not like that. But you were my rock- you were the one person who "got" me. You loved and accepted me unconditionally- even when you disagreed with my cho ices. You never stopped loving me, and I knew this. You were always my confidant and you were always trustworthy to me. I cannot even begin to explain the loss and emptiness of how I feel. But I don't feel like myself anymore. I know your hope is that I move on, and continue to live my life and make something of myself. But I cannot . I can't move on nor do I want to. I never want to forget the impact of what you've given to me- not just as my Father, but as a Friend. Noone could ever replace you. And it's hard to carry on without you in my life. I definitely understand now when you hear stories about people who embark on a downward spiral after losing a loved one. I think if I did not have Koi, I would have joined the ranks of that self-destructive lifestyle. I know Koi is still depending on me and wants me to help her navigate the world around her. So I stick around and try my best- for her. Not for me, which is what they all say you're supposed to do. I know you'd say "well that's bs" and basically you do what you gotta do. I keep on going for Koi, but there are some days when I just want to see you once more. There are days (like today) where I want to reach out and touch you. There are days when the thought of living life w/o you is unbearable. Koi is wanting something from me, so let me send this before something malfunctions. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 7, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. Tonight I'm kind of in that dark place, and I'm trying to keep busy, so I don't think about how much I miss you. It's really hard to even get through the day if I think about how much I miss you. I'm just going through the motions today- and tonight. If I stop to think about how a year has gone by w/o you... well, it just brings me to my knees. On top of that, Koi just mumbled that her tummy hurts. She eats too much crap- too much junk food for meals. I suppose that's my fault. She's never liked healthy food, though. I have started cutting up apples for her, though- each and every day she'll eat 1/2 apple (a large honey crisp apple). It's a start, right? She went to the toilet today, so I am not sure why her tummy hurts. At least she gets to sleep in 2 hours tomorrow. It's a 2 hour delay tomorrow b/c it's voting day. I'm going to wear my pin that says I'm voting in honor of a Veteran- you. I know you hated that pin when I got it- but I shall wear it with pride when I go and vote tomorrow. I'm just going to say "good night" and try to fall asleep. It's been an emotionally "blah" an depressing day today. It's been rainy, too. I wish the sun would come out, but you would love the rain. I had a really nice and peaceful visit with you. It's been marred with Koi chanting "no hotel" because she now hates traveling. Little does she know that I intend to visit you very soon again in order to lay a wreath. She really frustrates me sometimes. I know she can't help it- and I know you would understand. But I am coming to visit you again- soon. I'm waiting for the points to attach to MK's hotel card, so we can earn the points and get a free stay (I think we only need one more stay to get a free stay). Anyhow, I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I'm going to lay down now and pray for sleep. I want to forget about my life- my life w/o you. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 5, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 4, 2018
https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/washingtonpost/obituary.aspx?n=richard-owen&pid=190652433
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 4, 2018
I can't believe it's been one year since you've been gone. The days blend together and what's left is a giant gaping hole in my heart. My heart aches and I long to see you, to read your emails to me, to hear your laugh, or to feel your touch. I miss everything about you. I have so many regrets, but one of the biggest ones is the fact that I never really told you how much you mean to me. I wish I did. You saved my life time and time again. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for your unconditional love and unrelenting drive to help me. I wish I could have done better in helping you heal. I feel like I made so many mistakes. I know I did. I wish I would have told you just how important you are to me and how much I love you. I hope you felt some of my love when you were sick. I hope you weren't scared to let go. I hope you knew just how much we love you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what I could have done differently and what life would be like if you were still here. I'm not the same person anymore. It's hard to explain, but when you lose someone so important to you, a piece of you dies with that person. You are no longer yourself anymore, but only a fraction of who you once were. I doubt I will ever feel whole again without you by my side. You were my everything, Dad. You were my hero. You are my hero. I love you to the moon and back. You are always in my heart. Always. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 4, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 2, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm having Internet problems tonight. I think it's because 1) it's Friday night and 2) it's raining. The combination of the two often causes the Internet to be slow, given we live in a high tech area with lots of high tech neighbors (I know you know what that means). Or, it could just be me- maybe I need up update my computer, although I always do updates as soon as I get a notification. You'd be proud (sort of) with me. I've been maintaining the phones and laptops. And for Christmas, MK said she would pay to have my other laptop restored. You can't beat that, right? Anyhow, I miss you so much. We're getting ready to visit you. It's going to be difficult, but I want to do it- so much. All of us want to see you. It's just hard, because we miss you so much. The pain just doesn't get any easier. Everyone says you learn to live with the grief, but you really don't. It certainly doesn't get any easier, but I do believe you learn how to cope with the day to day. So far, I have not. Today is just as difficult as it was eleven months ago. I can't think about it too much, or else they're have to cart me away. Anyhow, I miss you so much. And I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and the Universe isn't as great w/o you here- in it. You are the best Dad and friend anyone could ever have. I'm going to try to lay down for a bit, but I will continue this tomorrow, ok? i loev you so very much, love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 2, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's November 1st. Where has the time gone? Actually, the year has gone by painstakingly slow. It seems like ten years. Each day has crawled by. But in general, November seems here very early. I can't believe Christmas is coming up yet again. My heart is just not in it anymore. I remember how you loved it when I still had a bit of holiday spirit. When I used to put up our Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you would always compliment me by saying "and let this be known, she always kept Christmas." Or something like that. I love and miss you so much. I just emailed Nancy- just checking in with her. Your In Memoriam will be run in Sunday's paper. I hope you like it. I'm just so tired tonight. I can't think straight. But i do know that I am so sad and very much miss you. I feel like I am just going through the emotions in life. Koi keeps be going. And I will always check in with you at the end of the day. That keeps ms going too. I took MK to get her new coat hemmed today- at that place in Apex that hemmed her blazer for your Interment ceremony. I liked the seamstress, so we went back. We also tried that place "Yamato" which is a hibachi place you've been wanting to try. It was just okay. It's not owned by Japanese, which is what MK was hoping. Oh well. Anyhow, I just fell asleep, so let me say good night, and I ill write in the morning. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you infinitely. Until tomorrow, ok? I love you so much, Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, tonight was Halloween. It makes me think about Halloween last year- I took Koi around the block, but I came home, and you were there. You were home. I know you went to the ER- I think it was Nov. 2nd. You came home the same night. And then on Nov. 3rd, I sat with you until around 5am. I slept from 5-7am, and woke up to MK talking to you. I keep replaying your last few days over and over again, thinking about all the ways I could have done things differently. I'm going to be seeing you this weekend. I hope that things will go smoothly. Right now, I'm in my own personal turmoil regarding despair and guilt. I feel a genuine sadness and emptiness regarding all the mistakes I made with your care. It's easy to look back with rose colored glasses and focus on all the things we did right. But most of the things we did wrong, including the overall plan of your care. I should have pushed harder for rehab. I don't know why I did. Was it fear? I don't know. Was it laziness? I don't think so. Maybe it was a combination of the two. The fear was regarding MK and her craziness. I deferred to that. And I hate myself for it. I'm so angry with her and I'll probably always resent her for it. I know she loves you in her own way. But the way in which she conducted herself was really difficult for me to make all the decisions I should have. Anyhow. I don't want to go down that path tonight. I'm already really sad and heartbroken. Koi had a decent time tonight, trick or treating around the neighborhood. MK reminded me of the story you used to tell us when you were a kid for Halloween. You could dress up as three characters, so you could go trick or treating at that old woman's house- the one who made gingerbread cookies. Back in the day, noone would ever think about poisoning a kid, right? And this woman would bake gingerbread cookies. You wore your coat over your head for one costume. You wore your coat regularly for another costume. And what did you do for your third costume? Something hilarious. "No, that was my brother" you would reply when she asked you "weren't you just here?" I love it. MK of all people remembered that story. She told me how you knew you were sick. You actually told her you "weren't going to make it" before you had your stroke. I didn't know that. I thought you told her that a month or two before you passed. She said you told her this after your pacemaker surgery. I still believe the pacemaker surgery caused your stroke. I feel as if those doctors- and the ones who failed to give you rehab at the VA- should take responsibility for your decline. I am still very angry about it. I loathe the medical model. I loathe them all. I love and miss you so very much, Dad. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think of you. I have been thinking about you so much. It's so hard, Dad. I hope you are somewhere, looking over us. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Sleep well, and I will talk to you tomorrow- or later today. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
November 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's the night before Halloween. This time last year, I took Koi around the neighborhood and left you at home with MK. I was quick-ish, and came home right away. That's all I remember- wheeling Koi around the neighborhood for just a little bit. She wasn't too into it, and I just wanted to get home. A lot has changed since last year. Koi has a new stroller, and she loves being wheeled around the neighborhood for indefinite (long) periods of time. But most importantly, my Partner in Crime is no longer here. You were the only person in the world who "got" me and I feel like we both "got" each other. We laughed at each other's jokes, and we generally enjoyed each others' company. The last year of your life was hard- but I'm glad we had some time together. I feel like I should bee been better. And I feel like we should have driven you to the Hospital as soon as you started complaining about feeling sick. I waited too long, and then you had your stroke, and despite you experiencing nothing short than a miracle in your recovery, at that point, it was such an uphill battle. I feel like I could have made your uphill batter a lot smoother, had I made better choices and made better decisions. I am so incredibly sorry, and I can't help feel responsible for your decline and passing. I know you have forgiven me, because you have always been a generous person. But I can't forgive myself. I love and miss you so much, Dad. There is not one day that goes by where I don't think about you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I better put Koi to sleep, since she is dozing off right in front of me. I know you'' forgive me, when most people would not. But I can't forgive myself. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I feel so robbed of you in my life. I think about the day I will join you. I think about that a lot. I hope to be reunited with you- will that happen? Are you okay? Will you reach out to me again? I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to rest now, but I am thinking about you indefinitely. Love youse G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 30, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. Koi is a little emo tonight. She's fluctuates between insane laughter and sobbing. I swear, it's almost as if she's bipolar. I have no idea what is going on with her. So, anyhow, I guess tonight's note has to be short, even though it's actually *early* tonight- only 10p! Woo hoo. Go us. Koi did her business early tonight, which is why we were able to shower earlier than usual. I kind of felt as if I was coming down with something, so I'm glad we showered early. No idea what is going on with her. So much of my parenting operates off of the guilt I feel for letting her down at times. I feel as if in my attempt to relieve the guilt I felt for her, I compromised my time with you. And of course, that guilt is by far worse- because I can never be with you again. I wish so much I didn't take Koi to the Fair twice. Why did I do that? That means I was away from you twice- twice as long, and twice as long you probably wondered where I was. Sure, MK was with you, but she, I felt, just laid there on the couch- in the other room- not even looking at you. I just got really upset over that. I mean, at least sit in the same room as you. I don't understand her- and I never will. I know she loves you so much- in her own way. It is of comfort to me that she was holding your head when you passed away. I promised you someone was coming. And I can't believe I lied like that. Stupid nurses told me you were "fine" with the oxygen at level 2. But you weren't. I did call the EMT's but it was too late. When I told you people were coming- I had not yet called- because I wanted to make sure you really needed help. I can't believe I didn't call sooner. Would they have been able to save you? I don't know. Maybe. There was a good chance- right? Your cardiologist claims no- and if they did save you, you probably would have been on life support. But I don't know. Maybe you would have lived for another week. And that would have been precious to me. And you. I can't think about it too much, or else I will go to that dark place where I don't ever want to come out. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for failing you. I lied to you, because I was coached to- by your nurses. To comfort you. But that's all a bunch of BS. I did call the EMT's when you needed help. But that one day, on November 4th, I thought you were going to be okay. And so I reassured you someone was coming, thinking I would eventually call, once we calmed you down, and got your some breathing treatments with the nebulizer. I just hate it so much. I hate how you deteriorated and noone seemed to help. You had so much life left in you, and noone cared. I care, Dad. And I'm sorry, because I feel like I really failed you- irrevocably. I think about it every day, and I take that responsibility to my own grave. I love you to the moon and back. Dad. I miss you each and every day. Not a day goes by where I don't hate myself for all the mistakes I made. I love you immensely and you are the best Dad in the Universe. I'm going to lay down with Koi, but you are always in my thoughts. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 29, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. Remember when I asked you to contact me in some way? Well, I think you helped me today- didn't you? MK's ipod charger finally split- the wires split and it no longer works. She asked me if I could order a new one off Amazon (I did). However, she said that you had one more charger- she remembered seeing it somewhere. So, I started looking around your room (very carefully, don't worry- I didn't mess anything up). Your room is such a wealth of "stuff." At first, I was looking around for my bag of wires, but to no avail- I put all of my extra wires in once place and of course I can't find it. I looked inside your blue polka dot bag and only found a couple of laptop chargers. But, plain as day, staring right in front of me on your desk was... you guessed it- an extra 4th generation ipod charger. Who would thunk, right? What/who caused me to look right in front of me on your desk? Was it you? If it was you, I thank you. I was the hero for the evening- instead of the zero, right? She kept thanking me, but I told her it was you- you are the one who must have instructed me to look for it on your desk. So, anyhow- MK has another charger now and she's all teese.
I miss you so much. I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's not any easier. If anything, it's much much harder now. I still am in disbelief that you are not coming back. I don't want to believe it. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think of you. I've been getting a lot of (small) tattoos, as a way of commemorating you and also as a way to just cheer me up. It's the only thing that gets me out of my depression. The bad news- is that MK saw my latest tattoo, well, my second to latest tattoo- and she flipped. She made me promise her not to get any more. So yes- I did sneak out one more time and get a couple of small ones- like the coordinates of your birth place and your place of resting (on my inner arm- I needed to fill up that space, and I thought that was another good idea that will remind me of you). And I also got the mandala on my hand expanded. Mandalas are so trendy right now, but I still like them. I have officially taken myself out of the job market. But that's ok. I'll find something to do. I have some ideas. But I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me find the extra charger today. It's 1am and it's Sunday night, and Koi is awake and making too much noise. I need to shush her up before MK wakes up. I swear I spend my days walking on eggshells with MK and herding cats with Koi, trying to get her to do things before MK flips out on me. It's a very stressful existence, and my nut doctor has zero compassion for me. Anyhow, such is life, right? Life is so short and it's pretty crappy at times, and then it's over. I take solace in knowing that I will join you one day- perhaps soon, I don't know. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are everything to me. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you so very very much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 28, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's almost 2am. I am still wide awake, and so is Koi. We woke up early this morning, and we should be tired- but we're not. I need to wake up at a decent hour tomorrow, just cause. I'm going to take Koi to our neighborhood's Halloween party. I can't remember if I took Koi last year. I think I did the year before, but last year it was pretty lame (or maybe that was two years ago). I know this time last year, you were still with us, and if I took her to the party, that means I would have left you at home with MK. Maybe I did so. I know I took Koi to the State Fair- not once, but twice. God, how I regret doing that. I'm sorry I did it. I had so much guilt about not spending enough time with her. But had I known that I would have been robbed out of so many more years with you, I know Koi would have understood my choices to do nothing. I honestly thought you were going to live much longer. Maybe not much longer- but at least five to seven years more. I am still in disbelief that you are not here any more. I'm having a really difficult time accepting the fact that you are gone. We are traveling to Arlington next weekend to see you, Dad. It's going to be so nice visiting you, but it will also be a difficult time. I feel like I am being so selfish, because you are the one who suffered. It wasn't me. And yet, I feel like I am taking all of the "spotlight" inadvertently. I know MK would say "look at me, look at me," but that's not how I am trying to be. I am being honest with my emotions. I miss you so much. And my heart is broken forever without you here. It's hard to wake up and cope with the fact that you're not coming back. MK says she's been having lots of dreams with you in them. I wish you would show up in my dreams. At least I would feel that you are still around on some level. I wish so much you would visit me in some sense. I just yearn to see and feel you again. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Our funeral director, Heather- sent us some beautiful flowers today. She is so very thoughtful, and out of pain, comes light. She is such a beacon of light in our lives. MK isn't used to gifts, and she still has trouble accepting things. But the flowers are so beautiful. They are sitting on our kitchen table, next to all of our windows so they have light. They are such a beautiful arrangement. I'm so glad we got them this weekend, since we won't be around next weekend. Talk about divine intervention, eh? I guess you are around, and perhaps I am blind to it. I love you so much, Dad. I had planned on writing a lot, but I ended up vegging out on YouTube too long. And now- I need to put Koi to bed before MK wakes up and yells at me. I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow (or later today). I love you and I miss you immeasurable. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 28, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 27, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. Aunt Nance sent me the most precious "Dawg collage" of you (and me, too). Words cannot express how much this means to me. Your cousin Linda had these photos and she sent them to Nance. I just hung this collage in your man cave- I retreat to your room each night for just a little bit, depending on how much time I have. If Koi is asleep (and I am awake), I'll spend hours there, watching youtube and relaxing. Most nights, though- I'm so tired and Koi is waiting for me- so I'll say goodnight to you and just take a moment to talk to you. I usually let you know I'm going to write to you on your wall (and then I'm often too tired, like tonight, to really say anything of substance). I hope tomorrow I'll have more energy, since it'll be Saturday. I love and miss you so much. The days do not get any easier. It's as painful today as it was the first day. It's unbearable, so I have to block it out. I miss you so much, Dad. I'll post the collage for you and I'll continue this tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. You're the best Dad in the Universe. I'm just going to sleep, so the pain goes away. I hope things will be better in the morning. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's 1:30- how did that happen? I have to make tonight's post really short, because Koi is still awake, and she has school tomorrow. No doubt she is gonna fall asleep, and then her teacher will ding her yet again for it. She's had a "fell asleep" note in her notebook 3 out of 4 days this week, I think. I'm really frustrated with her class right now. The notebook she brings home focuses on the bad things, and when she has a good day, they just say "good day"- they never go into detail. It's so annoying. I found out that one of her friends got a 1:1 because his parents hired a lawyer and sued the County. That's what you need to do- the County won't listen to parents unless they bring a lawyer into the IEP. It's a shame. Anyhow, I'm tired, so perhaps it's best that I not write on and on about negative things. I miss you so much, and I've been thinking about you a lot. I think about all the mistakes and bad decisions I made regarding your care over and over. I know I dwell on it a lot, but why not. They were life changing decisions, and I feel like I made bad ones. Your doctors made bad ones as well. I wish so much I could bring you back. You deserve to live. And I hate that you aren't here. It's unbearable. I love you so much, Dad. My heart is a giant hole without you here. I feel like my heart breaks over and over each day. Sometimes I focus on the noise of the day just to keep busy and distracted. And at night- that's when my feelings come to the forefront. It's really unbearable. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I will one day see you again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You're the best Dad in the Universe and I love you immeasurably. Love youse so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 24, 2018
Hi, Dad. How's things? Aunt Nance wrote me and she said a lot of nice things. I sent her the In Memoriam, and she said it was very well written. I know she is being nice, but it is much appreciated. She told me that Linda sent her some pictures that Grandma Raper must have had. Anyhow, Nancy is going to mail these coveted pictures to me! I feel so lucky. I'm so glad you were able to rekindle a relationship with your sister before you left us, Dad. I know she very much cherishes your relationship, and I know you do, too.

Anyhow I just wrote an entire paragraph and it made absolutely zero sense. I guess it's been a long day. I've been going all day and I think I am finally crashing. I should put Koi to bed and hit the sack myself. Sorry- today was supposed to be the day where I wrote you a long epistle. I guess it's going to have to be tomorrow. I miss you so much, Dad. I know Nancy worries about me and wishes I was happier. She said you would "die again" if you knew I was seeing a nut doctor lol. But you know I see one, so no surprises. It is what it is. I can't see myself not seeing one for awhile. But if he stops prescribing meds to me, I make stop going. I know he wants to taper me. Anyhow, I need to shut up and hit the sack. I will show you my new mini-tattoo tomorrow, ok? It's just a picture of Wheeling's coordinates. And Arlington's as well. Just something special to me. I got it done as a commemorative thing for your deathiversary. Is that what you call it? It's so hard, Dad. I can't stop thinking about how much I love and miss you. I truly do love you to the moon and back. You are absolutely the best Dad in the Universe. I just miss you so much. I'll continue this tomorrow. Tomorrow, aside from taking Koi horseback riding, will be significantly less hectic. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 23, 2018
p.s. I goofed. That was the first draft of the In Memoriam. Here is the "final" (rough) draft:

Words alone will never be able to
express how much you are missed.
Although your spirit is everlasting, the
days are a constant struggle without
you. You lit up a room with your smile
and sarcasm, and all who knew you were
inspired by your joie de vivre. It’s been one
year, but the days blend and become one
giant heartache. We take solace in knowing
we will one day meet again. We love you to
the moon and back. You are forever missed
and never forgotten.



Love you so much, Dad- night xoxo
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 23, 2018
Hi, Dad. Guess what? I wrote (and submitted) your In Memoriam in the Washington Post today. I received a letter from the WaPo, reminding me to submit any In Memoriam requests, because they have to be received ten days before the day you want it to run. So I decided to just work on it today. There are a lot of restrictions- like you are only allowed to have 36 characters per line (including spaces), and the entire piece can only be seventeen lines. The picture must be 2 inches by 2 inches. I figured out how to reduce a jpeg, and after I did it, I realized that it would be better to have the WaPo photoshop the picture themselves. So, after I received the proof, I called and they instructed me to resubmit the picture in its original form/size. They are going to photoshop it to their requirements. That way, there will be a better chance that the picture will stay true to its original integrity. I used the same picture as the one from your obit- because it's my absolute favorite picture of you. This time, instead of just a head shot, hopefully they will include your uniform (it's the picture of you in your dress blues from my wedding). I love that picture so much. Do you want to see what I wrote you?

Richard Patrick Owen
09/23/40- 11/04/17

Words alone cannot even begin to express how much you are missed, Dad. I never wanted to think that this day would come. It’s been one year since you left this earth, and each day is just as much of a struggle as the day before. For those who say β€œit gets easier-β€œ it does not. You would say that I am being selfish- you are no longer suffering and therefore I should be at peace. But I am still very much in turmoil. I know you had so much life left in your. Your sacrifices for our Country left your body is premature decay and sickness. A year later and the only emotions I feel rotate between despair and anger, anger and despair. My life is so lonely without your biting wit and sarcasm. The only consolation I have is perhaps knowing we will one day meet again. And until that time, you are so loved and missed. Mom and I will do our best to carry on, with your dreams, hopes, and goals in life as our roadmap for the future. The future is hard to think about without you, but I will try. I retreat into your room daily for solace and to feel your warm presence. I shed many a tear on your bed, and I’ve cherished all of your moments, photos, and documents. You kept impeccable records and I promise I will keep them and honor them as my own. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Mom and I will be visiting you at Arlington for your anniversary. You make us so proud every day, and you are always a daily topic in our lives (often with laughter, but often with tears). Until we meet again, Dad. I love you so much.

______________

I read it to MK and she actually had tears in her eyes. I don't think she was crying because it was so "well written" (it's not), but rather- I think she genuinely was thinking about what the In Memoriam meant. It means you have been gone for a year- and that is just so very painful. There isn't a second that goes by where I don't think of you.

Koi is driving me crazy, btw- she is talking and talking and pulling on me. So I'm going to say "good night" and try to put her to bed. It's only 11pm tonight! She did her business early today, so I was really hoping to be in bed by 10:30. I had a cut tags off a bunch of shirts, so I am running a bit behind. Anyhow, I love and miss you, Dad. I'm going to see my nut doc tomorrow. He doesn't help much. But I go. He can't do anything. I guess it has to come from within. But I'm not strong enough to heal. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I'm not the same anymore. When you left, a big part of me left, too. I don't think Koi understands, though. I try to put on a happy face for her. But she knows how I am hurting. She willing goes to D.C. with us to "check on Grandpa." She knows how important it is.

I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love you so very much. Good night, Dearest Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 23, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 22, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's "only" midnight, which is better, right? Koi has school tomorrow, so it's really not early at all. I have to get up in 6 hours, and Koi has to get up in 7. MK was telling me that you are showing up in a lot of her dreams. So, she says, it's like you have never left her- she has very vivid dreams with you in them. Her most recent dream was about the two of you sitting down to a delicious turkey, stuffing, and mashed potato dinner (so of course this was a dream, right? Lol). And then she said, "and then we were like "oh- Jenny's coming... so we have to save some for her." Hahaha. I could hear the dread in her voice. What a trip. But that leads me to ask- why aren't you in my dreams? Is it because I take meds at night that wipe me out? I try to wipe myself out at night, so I don't wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. Am I too doped up? I don't know. But I would love to have some dreams with you in them. Are you okay? I love and miss you so much. I'm going to lay down in a second, but I hope you are okay. I miss you so much. It's so painful to live without you. I'm having a hard time. I know I am being selfish, but I know you wanted to live. You had so much life left in you. I am heartbroken over the decisions I made regarding your care. I wish I could turn back the clock and make different decisions. I don't know if it would have made a difference, and according to your nurse, we prolonged your life, as opposed to putting you in rehab (or care, is more like it). I don't know. Do I believe her, or do I wonder how much longer you could have lived had you received the proper rehab and therapy you deserved? I love you so much, Dad. I'm going to lay down now. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 22, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 22, 2018
Hi, Dad. What a day, what a day. We ended up going to three fall festivals, in search of the perfect bounce house for Koi. She had a nice time (I think). The first one was at Holly Springs and it kind of sucked. Then, we went to the one closest to our house- at Parkside Commons, and it was pretty darn good (lots of lines, but you just can't escape those anymore). However, we got there around 1:15/1:30ish and it ended at 2pm. Plus, the one bounce house line took almost 1/2 hour. We just didn't have enough time- and I just wish we never went to Holly Springs. Huge mistake lol. At Parkside Commons, there was a "trackless train" that we didn't get to ride- because of the time. MK suggested I go up to him and ask where exactly he was going- because he told me that he couldn't stay and give Koi a ride- he had another job to go to. Yeah- right. But I have to hand it to him- he told me about the third fall festival at Fuquay Baptist Church. It started at 4- so we had time to eat, go home to get jackets (it was freezing today- the heat is actually on right now)... and then get there. When we did get there wow, was it great. Lots of bounce houses with next to no lines. There was one carnival type of ride, bounce houses with slides, popcorn, a fire to roast marshmallows, hot dogs, candy. It was the "cat meow" as MK would say. Lol. Anyhow we didn't get home until almost 8pm. And then Koi wanted to walk around the neighborhood, so we did that until 8:30. And we waited- and waited- and waited for Koi to do her business, and three enemas later- around 1am, she finally delivered. How on earth is this kid going to school tomorrow? It's a quarter to three! Yikes. I'm a terrible Mom. Anyhow, I love you, Dad. I miss you so much. This time of year always reminds me of you. I saw a boy scout troop at the third fall festival today and I met the troop leader. I told him about the beaver that you inherited from your father- and he said that was something very special. A beaver is what they give long time boy scout troop leaders. I need to find it. I know it's somewhere in your room. It may even be in one of your tupperwares- or in a desk drawer. I'm going to check this week. I remember seeing it recently. It's been cold here- especially over the last two days. The heat is finally on for the year- only because MK stayed up as laid as us today and she was cold. I don't think this time last year the heat was on at all. I know you were probably freezing, and MK would never turn on the heat for you- or me. I think the only reason why she turned the heat on tonight was because she was up late with us. She was surprisingly in a decent mood tonight- I have no idea why. She was able to shop at Marshalls today when we went to Holly Springs, so I guess that's why she's happy. Changing subjects, I need to call the other insurance company tomorrow- someone from that company left me a message on Friday (at 3:30pm of course) saying they had to talk to me. I first talked to USAA and they said it was legitimate. I just have to be very descriptive about the accident and go into detail. We'll see what happens. Koi is calling me, so I'm gonna have to cut this short yet again. I miss you so much, Dad. As your one year anniversary is approaching, I am just so full of anxiety. I am beside myself. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so terribly. My heart is empty without you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I feel that my life really doesn't have much meaning w/o you in my life. I'm being selfish I know- but I want you here so badly. I love and miss you so very much. Love youse, G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 22, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 21, 2018
UGH- I was about to post something on your wall and guess who came and caused me to delete everything. Her name begins with K and ends with an I. Sigh. It's okay- I was bashing MK for most of the rant. She was being her usual negative self today- I found a wonderful new path that goes from our house, to Morrisville Community Park, down Morrisville Carpenter Road- over to Preston (where the TJ Maxx is, that area), and back to the park- and back home. I explained it much better in my initial post but now my hands hurt from typing and I'm generally annoyed. I'm sorry. Koi has been home for three weeks and I'm ready for her to go back to school. I love being with her, but she isn't easy. She is really impatient and has a lot of hangups. She has a lot of verbal rituals these days and it's often draining. Add MK's bipolar crazy moods into the mix, and it really amps up my depression. Koi and I walked for two hours today (well, I pushed her in her new stroller) and it was nice to be outside after the rain. You could smell all the leaves, the flowers, the dirt. It was nice. We passed a lot of apartment complexes, and I remembered the time when you, me, and Koi almost moved into an apartment by Asuka- that restaurant that is no longer there. Anyhow, I don't know why we decided against it, but I so regret not doing that. MK and I weren't getting along, and I think you wanted to help me/me and Koi. I wish so much we would have moved with you. Had we done that, I wouldn't have felt so desperate to get out of the house- and I wouldn't have run off with mistake #2. I know, what if, what if. Coulda shoulda woulda. I own my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I don't have regrets. So many. I just wish we would have moved in together- because then you would have had the freedom to drive up to Wheeling to visit the gravesites of your ancestors, like you always wanted to. You could have easily left town, and I would have gladly watched your things and paid the bills. It wouldn't have been a big deal with MK complaining all the time. I wish we would have had more time together. MK would always get so butt hurt if I chose to see a movie with you- which was why I did so so infrequently. I always felt like I had to choose shopping with her over hanging out with you. You understood, but that doesn't mean I don't have regrets. I do. I wish I would have spent more alone time with you. I wish I would have listened. I wish I was nicer and kind. You used to say I would miss you when you were gone- because I was such an ass to you. And you are right. 100% And now I have to live with all my mistakes, thinking about them day and night until I join you. I love you so much, Dad. And I think about you all day, everyday. I miss you so terribly, it's unbearable. I'm going to post an "In Memoriam" in the Washington Post. I received a note from them, saying I can do so since your "one year" anniversary is coming up. I need to stay busy and focused on doing things, or else I will have a nervous breakdown. Please help me get through this horrible anniversary. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I have to get up early tomorrow, so let me go- and I will continue this when I wake up. I miss you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 21, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 20, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's a bit earlier tonight- only 2:45 instead of 4:30. I'm still waking up early(ish) tomorrow, since Koi goes back to school on Monday and I need to start getting back into the swing of things. I woke up at 9 this morning, despite going to bed at 4:30- I felt ok, too. The Fed Ex guy knocked on our door and totally woke me up. Grrrrr. Anyhow, so I'm expecting yet another pair of shoes tomorrow and I bet Mr. Fed Ex wakes me up again. I ordered a few pair of shoes that were on sale (yes, I'm a millipede), but I ordered the wrong size- so back they have to go. Oh well, right? I have one pair that I just got for Koi and I can now wear her hand-me-downs. Yay. I was going to take Koi to this Fall Festival tomorrow, but it's been postponed to Sunday due to the rain. So we have another day of doing nothing. Hopefully Koi won't mind. I think I've been so busy with her this week, she was expecting a big plan today- but I had nothing. I made two trips to the store to return some things- MK was in that "why don't you return ___ if you're not going to wear it" kind of mood. So I ended up going in the morning by myself and in the evening with Koi and MK to return stuff. I hope she's happy, because honestly I would rather throw stuff away over retuning it. But I returned the stuff- for MK. I hope Koi's support is in the bank by tomorrow. Of course he didn't pay and of course he claims it's "tax season" right now. It's always tax season- sheesh. Of course he didn't write me back, either. There is a special place in hell for people as evil as him. I am an evil SOB magnet, that is for sure. I guess b/c I have "doormat" written in big bold lines across my forehead. I'm so sick of it. I'm happy to live the rest of my life in solitude over being with an evil sob again. No more. I know MK doesn't believe me, but she doesn't have to. The only person I have to stay try to is me- and maybe Koi too. I feel horrible of what I did to Koi for so many years. Actually just two- but still... the trauma lives on, and I think to this day she still doesn't trust me fully. Only time will prove myself to her. She is definitely someone who you have to prove with actions and not words. Koi is fading, so let me tuck her in. I'm sorry to cut my ramblings short yet again, but I am sure you're not. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I have been thinking about you so much. It's so painful and I often try to distract myself so I don't think about how much I miss you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 20, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 19, 2018
Hi, Dad. Looks like a friend sent you more flowers. You are never forgotten. I miss you so much. I think about you so much. I was watching a documentary about opiates, and it reminded me about how you saved my life. Plus, it also reminded me how I utterly failed you during the last days of your life. I should have pushed more for morphine therapy, so you would be able to breathe easier and relax more. I know you never believed in being "doped up" so I wanted to honor that and not, well, dope you up. On the other hand, if you were struggling for breath, and having stress about it, the morphine would have helped. I don't know what the right decision was. But I don't think I made the right one. I'm really sorry, Dad. I know it's too late now, but for what it's worth, I'm incredibly sorry. I think and rethink my crappy decisions, and sometimes it's just overwhelming. I wish so much I could bring you back, if only to just apologize for all the bad decisions I made. I'm sorry. Speaking of, it's now the 19th, and guess who hasn't paid their child support yet? Honestly I don't know how some people (like him) can look at himself in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if there is a heaven, because why would a God allow someone like that to exist? What happens when he dies- because he truly deserves to rot in hell. I'm a big believer in redemption, but you have to want to change. He does not- and I quote "I like the way I am. " Is it wrong to wish him rotting in hell? Perhaps. I'm sorry I am so flawed. I know I apologize a lot, and it's not for my benefit. I promise. I'm just so sorry for all the mistakes and poor judgment calls I made last year. I wish I would have had better guidance. I wish, despite the lack of guidance, I still made better decisions. I wish I would have thought it through more. I'm falling asleep btw. It's 4am, can you believe it? Where did the day go? I took Koi to Phillips Farm today- it used to be the smaller farm, and now it's the only farm. Green Acres farm "i'm a Christian"- you know, that farm- they sold their land for something like 20 million. And I heard that Phillips Farm is going to sell their farm for the same amount. All in the name of development, right? Just what we need- more crappy houses and slots taken from the decent public schools. I'm sounding like a Republican, aren't I? Stop me! Anyhow, I love and miss you, Dad. I miss talking politics with you and I miss talking policy and technology with you. You're my best bud and I am having a hard time living without you. I love youse so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 19, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. Someone sent you flowers! You see, you're still in folks' minds. And most of your friends don't even know this page exists. In a way, I like it this way- because that way, I can write whatever i want to you, and very few people actually see it. And I am betting noone reads it lol. I like it that way. I am in a lot of mental pain tonight- I know it's not about me, because you were in excruciating pain for months and months. Ironically, when you were doing better, you were in more pain. But during the summer, you were stabilizing, but not exactly getting better by leaps and bounds. And yet you never complained. When you were at the VA, and the nurses always asked if you were in pain, you always said no. I wonder if you really were in pain- or not. I don't know. You never ever complained. I wish you had complained more. And yet- PT was so difficult for you, and noone was empathetic. They blamed your inability on your attitude. They created a brilliant paper trail to withdraw services from you. That's right, keep on writing how "difficult" the patient is- that way you don't have to help him. I'm still so angry about that. I'm really not done with them. They haven't heard the last of me. I'm just in too much mental pain right now to do anything. I have one more year, Dad. And I'm going to do it. They have no idea how they made us all suffer so much. I don't care if nothing comes out of it. They are going to read all the paperwork I file, and they're going to have to respond to it. I just want to forget my pain tonight. I took my evening meds (a bit more), and I'm going to go to sleep. I'm so drowsy, and I'm just going to pass out. I don't want to cry. I have to stay strong for Koi. I tear up when I go into your room and realize you are gone. And I have to pull it together because Koi is in the next room and she's waiting for me to tuck her in. She's still waiting for me, even though I've been stalling, and watching stupid stuff on YouTube. Forgive me for not writing anything tonight. I will write you in the morning, ok? I promise. The claims adjuster is coming by tomorrow to look at the hurricane damage. I hope the outcome is good. Our roof leaks. Ugh. Always something, right? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I miss you so much. I think about you every minute of every day. Please- let me know you're okay? I love and miss you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 15, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm just lighting a candle tonight. Blue is your favorite color, as is mine. I saw the picture I put on your phone- it's my favorite picture from your Interment. And it just dawned on me. It's your phone- and there is a picture of your Interment. And if you only knew. What would you think? Would you approve of it? Or is it too gross and inappropriate? The picture, obviously, reminds me of you, and it's the very last picture I really have of you. That's why it's not only on your phone, but it's on my phone as well. I took Koi to the Fair today and we had fun. Last year when I took Koi, it was stressful, because I made the mistake of buying four tickets and ride bands out of guilt- so I had to take her twice. And I had no business taking her twice, as you were still quite sick. I kept waiting for us to get into a groove of some sort- and every time I felt like we were getting into a routine, something else would happen. You would have to go to the Emergency room and when you came back, something else would be compounded. I wish I had never called 911 the next to last time- because they did nothing except give you a shot of narcan for the morphine I gave you. But I didn't give you very much. I told them not to give you narcan, and of course, they didn't listen. And I wish I had called 911 sooner on the very last day of your life. I made so many bad calls. And it's too painful to think about. I am going to escape right now into sleep. I took my evening meds, and I just want to escape the pain. I love and miss you so much. You are the very best Dad in the Universe. I ordered a (cheap) silver ring that is angel wings. I'm hoping it's a decent fit, so I can wear it for you. I love you, Dad. I'm going to go to bed. It's been a long day, since we went to the Fair. Tomorrow is a take-it easy day. Wednesday the claims adjuster is coming to look at the roof. Koi has horseback riding on Wednesday this week instead of Thursday. And Thursday, I'm taking her to Phillips Farm for the special needs event. And on Friday, the roofer is coming (Dana Dean Roofing). We need some shingles resealed so it doesn't keep leaking into MK's walk-in closet. I love you to the moon and back. Dad. I miss you so very much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 15, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's "only" midnight, what do you know. I guess it's "early" for us. Koi is jumping on the bed, but she seems to be getting tired. We had a pretty relaxing day. We went out to Longhorn Steakhouse to get Koi some fries and cheesecake. MK and I split a steak (I know, I bet you're jealous, right?). I went to TJ Maxx and got two t shirts and one t shirt for Koi. Then, I stopped by Walmart (grocery store) and got some oatmeal- they were out of Goldfish). Then, Koi and I (and MK) came home. Koi and I walked (with her new stroller) to Morrisville Community Park- they have built a nice path from the Walmart to the park. We can stay in our neighborhood and take a path with crosswalk to the McDonald's (over by the McDonald's heh heh heh). And once you're near McD's and Walmart, you can take another path, over a bridge, to the park. It's brilliant. Koi had fun swinging and climbing the rock wall. I remember when you used to drive us to this park. Koi would sit in the sand for hours. She's no longer interested in the sand, but she loves to swing and go down the slides. Then, we walked home, stopping by the gas station for some candy, of course. We've been at home ever since, and we've finally showered and settled in for the night. I made our bed, as the blankets and sheets were washed today- every Sunday, like clockwork (MK work, right?) Anyhow, I have been thinking about you a lot. I was sitting at the bar, waiting for our to-go order at Longhorn, and a family was cheering loudly for Pittsburg- football was on t.v. The Steelers were playing somebody. I'm no longer interested. I loved watching football with you, especially college football (and especially WVU). I take no pleasure in things that we used to do. I've lost all interest, and the thought of doing anything that I used to do with you, is entirely too painful. And then I saw Koi watching Caillou, and as if that little sh** isn't annoying enough, Koi was watching an episode where he's like "grandpaaaaaa!" and of course it made me think of you- I wonder if it made Koi think of you. I think so. I know she misses you in her own way. She hates road trips now, but will always willingly go with us to visit you. Not a peep out of her, as much as she hates staying in that old hotel lol. She's a sport. I love her. But I miss you so much. I'm going to try to lay down with her. It's a big week coming up. We have horseback riding a day early, so I can take Koi to the special needs event on Thursday at Phillips Farm. The roofer is coming Friday, and the claims adjuster is coming Wednesday. Tuesday is "open" and I am going to try to take Koi to the Fair tomorrow- if I can't swing it tomorrow, then I will Tuesday- rain or shine (it's supposed to rain on Tuesday, I think but who cares). I love you to the moon and back. Please forgive me for taking Koi to the Fair not once- but twice- last year, when you were so sick in bed. I left you with MK and I should not have. I am so very sorry. I miss you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I hope you are well. All my love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 14, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. Where did the day go? I was supposed to write you in the morning, and of course, I didn't. I woke up early b/c someone texted me super early (well not super early but at 9am). I ended up going back to bed and sleeping until 11. It felt gooooood. I went to bed around 4ish, so it felt good not to have to wake up early. Tomorrow is Sunday and I think we are going to take it easy again tomorrow. Today we didn't do much. I went to WalMart for MK and got her a few things. Then we went out and got Koi some fries, and then we came home. I took Koi in her new stroller to a neighborhood park- the one that is quite boring, across from Morrisville Town Hall. Koi didn't want to go home- she demanded that we walk towards Morrisville Carpenter Rd.- up the hill (with no sidewalk), towards the Walmart. I nearly killed her, I was so scared for us. I made her walk far far away from the road- and I was pulling her stroller, as I couldn't push her in it (in the grass). There was about a 50 yard stretch of no sidewalk. Once we got to the sidewalk all was well. We went to Georgina's pizza and Koi got two slices of pepperoni and a sierra mist. And then we walked home (all on sidewalks). What an adventure, eh? To think you did stuff like that all the time when you were a kid. Sometimes it's nice to get away, isn't it? At first, MK was happy that Koi ate pizza. Then she became irritated b/c I didn't get Koi an entire pizza- because slices are reheated crap. At first she was like "I hope you didn't get her an entire pie" and an hour later she was like "you are so stupid, you should never buy slices b/c they are old." There is NO pleasing her. Yesterday she was so pissed off b/c of what the claims adjuster found. We called USAA and they are sending out another claims adjuster. This guy seems even worse- he texted me and was totally being vague. Who does that? MK doesn't text, so I guess it's a good thing that I do, eh? And he didn't respond for a long time. He sounds equally stupid and clueless. Welcome to NC, right? It's frustrating living here among the oxygen thieves. I miss you so much. I want to move back home so I'll be closer to you. You always tell me "you can never go home again" but I disagree. Home is where the heart is, right? But with Koi- she's been traumatized from us moving four years ago, I don't know if I can ever move her again. "No new house" she still says. Poor thing. And yes, I take responsibility for scarring her- for life. I deserve it. Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. I don't know what we will do tomorrow re. our walk. I want to take her to Morrisville community park- it's a long walk, but it's a better park. Maybe I'll get her pizza again on our way home. We'll see, right? I love you so much, Dad. I feel so guilty for leaving you at the VA for so long. Your nurse reassured us that you were not stable until 3 weeks prior to you being discharged. I guess. We prolonged you being discharged for two-ish weeks, because we were scared. I was scared. I was afraid something would happen and you would die. I think you living at home cut your life short. I wish you had stayed in the hospital, actually. I think you would still be alive. But hospitals aren't designed for long term stays, they tell me. But I didn't want to put you in long term care. I hate how sick you were becoming. You even had to be readmitted after you were discharged. Was is pnemonia? Or a uti? I cannot remember. It probably was your copd. I hate how you became oxygen dependent during your second admission. I didn't know your body was shutting down. I was so scared. I was afraid to talk to you. I didn't want you to know how scared I was. So I hid and stayed busy with you. I didn't want to think that you would die, so I kept busy. I kept reassuring you- and me. I wasn't intentionally lying. I believed you were going to get better. But I was just afraid. I'm so sorry because I feel like I wasn't present for you when you were home. I can't get back that time ever again. I wish so much I could just have one week with you. Oh how I would do things so differently. I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you forever. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 14, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. Your pacemaker phone is lighting up. I feel like when your phone lights up, you're trying to call me. Your pacemaker is still inside of you- and you're at Arlington Cemetery. In a way, I feel connected to you when I see the phone light up. I have no idea why it's lighting up. Is the battery dying? Is your pacemaker still working? Well, I guess it still can't be working, but the battery inside of you is still operating, I am assuming. Is your pacemaker communicating with the phone here? I know even when you were alive- that phone didn't ever do anything. Even when you were sick at the hospital, it's not like the phone ever communicated with your cardiologist. I have no idea what it's for. I thought it was supposed to signal when you were in distress. But when you passed away, you would have thought your cardiologist would be notified from the pacemaker's (lack of) activity. But when they called us, and I let them know you had passed away, they were surprised. When I see the phone light up, I always get so emotional. I miss you so much, Dad. Are you trying to call me? Are you wondering how I am? MK is giving me a bad time, because our roof is leaking, and it's making dry wall damage. And she thinks it's my fault the adjuster found that the amount of damage doesn't exceed our deductible. Actually, it's good news, right? Anyhow, she's all got her feathers in a ruffle. That and our neighbor (Lance and wife) was using our garage as storage, and they ended up kind of overstaying their welcome lol. They kept making excuses as to why they couldn't pick up their stuff. MK, of course, was flipping out- so I had to text them and basically tell them they have to pick up their junk. And it was junk- all of their outdoor furniture, lawnmower, trash cans, etc. And it all smelled. Anyhow, gosh Koi is hanging off of me right now so it's hard to think. I may have to continue this tomorrow if that is ok. I love you so much, Dad. I am looking forward to Koi going back to school lol. But I also feel bad bc I haven't done much with her during this track out. This last week will be eventful, though- state fair, horseback riding, hopefully a farm visit, and a fall festival either at our local strip mall or a strip mall in holly springs. I think that's a lot. I still have a lot of guilt about taking Koi to the state fair when you were so sick. I left you with MK and I know she didn't attend to your needs. I know she probably ignored you- because that's the kind of person she is. And I took Koi to the fair twice- because I was stupid and bought four wristbands and four tickets. The one time I took her at night- Friday night- because it was basically one of the last days I could take her before she went back to school. I hated myself for being away from you for so long. You were quite sick that night with your COPD, and I wanted to be with you. Koi didn't even want to go to the Fair. She had had enough that one time. She did end up having a decent time- we rode some rollercoasters six or seven times, but the rest of the night was spent just getting to the rides, and fighting the crowds. I hope you can forgive me for all the bad choices I made. I feel so responsible for my bad choices and decisions regarding your care. I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Until tomorrow... I love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 13, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 12, 2018
Hi, Dad. I was looking on Amazon for angel wings- a ring or necklace that would remind me of you. But I'm so cheap, I don't want to spend a lot of money. But all the cheap jewelry- well, looks cheap. Anyhow, how are you? I miss you so much. I've been texting one of your old nurses, Miss Shelia. She was the older nurse who worked the graveyard shift at night. I used to see her when I would show up at 11pm or 12am and hanker down with you. I would spend the night in the recliner next to you- do you remember? Often, by the time I was able to get there, you were already asleep. I'm so sorry about that. MK was a jerk to me. She wouldn't let me go until I gave Koi a bath. And I would first have to wait for Koi to have a bm- before I could give her a bath. What a mean mom, eh? Anyhow, often I wasn't allowed to leave to go and see you until almost 1am. And then I would have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning and drive home (to get Koi ready for school). I'm just thankful she let me go at all. During your second hospital stay, she didn't want me spending the night at all. She was too afraid of what the nurses would think. Who knows what goes on in that brain of hers. Anyhow, I won't engage in this super hyper analysis at 3:30 in the morning (yikes- is it really that late? But I will say I was so lucky to have you in my life for your 78 short years. I guess I only knew you for 45 years, and to me, that wasn't enough. I miss you so much- it's just too painful. It's too painful to think about my life without you. It's not a life at all. Joy doesn't exist. Smiling is fake. Even with Koi, I'm still not happy. It's just not the same anymore. I'm not just saying that b/c it's late, either. This is how I feel every day. During the day it isn't as bad, but at night my depression if often unbearable. That's when I escape by sleeping. At least during sleep, you no longer feel the pain. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you terribly. I'm trying to get the shingles on the roof reinforced so it no longer leaks and seeps into MK's closet. The car is finally fixed (for now) including the windshield. Property tax is paid (well MK paid it- it's her/your car anyway), yada yada. You took care of a lot. I always knew that but I hope you know that we knew how much you did. You will always be my Hero. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 12, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't think I wrote you last night, did I? I'm so sorry. πŸ™ Ugh. And tonight? It's almost 4am. We stayed up super late, because MK needed ("needed") to go to Marshall's- all of them- to find her special shirts that only she can wear. So, we dragged Koi with us to, like, five different stores all over the area so MK could go in and look for her shirts. It was successful, though- MK found, like six or seven of them. So all is well that ends well, I guess. We started the day early. We had an 11am appt. at Safelight Auto Glass and they were able to patch the chip in the windshield. They did an excellent job- truly amazing. Instead of waking until Friday (when they can come out to our home), they had a few openings this morning if we went to them. They are located in Raleigh- it took about 30 minutes to get there. We got there with no trouble and Koi was amazing. She ate a lot of cookies and goldfish (they had awesome snacks), and then we picked up two cucumbers and a bunch of apples at the Raleigh farmer's market. Later today, I finally paid the personal property tax on the car. MK had no idea what I was doing. She thought that since we paid Subaru for the emissions test, we were done. Nope- not at all- we also had to pay DMV for the personal property tax. I think we must have paid the registration earlier this year. I was mistaken- I thought the registration was due, but it's the tax. Anyhow so "we" paid it and now we can "relax" for one day. However another hurricane is coming in the area. I think it's been downgraded to a tropical storm now. School is already cancelled tomorrow (today), but I don't think Koi's horseback riding was cancelled. Amazing. Speaking of amazing. You are amazing. I am always amazed at how much you used to do for our family- and you were always so quiet and humble at everything you did. And you did a LOT. It just never ends. I love and miss you so much. I keep promising to write a decent note, but I end up running errands all day and then walking around the block a million times at night with Koi. By the time I sit down to say 'hi' to you, I'm so pooped. I know you understand- but still, I really want to catch up with you. I feel like I just brain fart on the computer and tell you what I did today. That's no fun. I miss you so much, Dad. We did go to the Farmer's Market today and ate seafood. It wasn't the same without you. MK says we can wait another ten years before we go back lol. That's MK. Speaking of. It's now 4am, so I better try a little harder to get Koi out of the tub. She keeps saying "no" but I need to persuade her to come out. I'm going to attempt to get up at 10 tomorrow, so I'd like to at least get 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I love you so much, Dad. I'll write again when I wake up. I always say that, but then I am such a tired zombie in the mornings, I forget to write. I promise I won't tomorrow. I won't have much to say, probably, but I promise I'll just log on to say 'hi.' I updated your phone to the new system 12.0.01- it fixes yet more "bugs" lol. Our computers aren't showing that we need to update it yet, but I'll keep my eyes open, ok? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I miss you every second of every day. I'll write later on, ok? Until then- I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 11, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 9, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm getting better. Sunday we went to bed at 4:30am. Last night- 2:30am, and now- 1:30am. I have to get up early again tomorrow (even earlier) because the appraiser for the ceiling in MK's closet is coming. Fingers crossed that all will go well. And on Wednesday, I'm going to take the car in to hopefully get the windshield patched. Fingers crossed again that they'll be able to patch it- and not have to replace the entire windshield. I love and miss you so much, Dawg. Sorry again for keeping this short. I want to try to put Koi to sleep soon, as I think she isn't feeling so well. She's been saying that she's "not sick" which, of course, usually means she *is* sick. Gotta love her, right? She's something. She reminds me so much of you, Dad. You both have round heads and you both have a devilish sense of humor. I miss you so much, Dad. I think about you all day, every day. My life just isn't the same anymore. I'm unable to feel any kind of pure joy now that you are gone. I'm really quite sad. I hope you are still around- that is the only thing that gives me a small amount of solace. i hope you are around. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 9, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 8, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, I'm exhausted and I really didn't do anything today. Koi and I slept in, but we didn't get to bed until 4:30 in the morning. Yikes. Right now it's "only" 2:30 in the morning. I have to wake up early tomorrow, as we have a garage appt. with the company who fixed your Subaru after the crunch accident. They still need to buff the hood after they painted it, so I don't expect it'll take very long. I wish MK would let me go alone- but she thinks I am a fool and I am the reason why they did such a crap job on fixing the hood (they did). It is pointless to even try to reason with her. I tried to tell her that all garages are crooked, and especially if they find an insurance company that pays willingly- they will exploit that (which they did). She thinks they took advantage of us because I "talked too much." Yeah right. Whatever. You see how terribly I miss you- I mean, not just because you were my Savior from the beast, but you were also my best friend. You still are my best friend. I feel so lost without you. I miss the carefree laughing when you were here. Life isn't the same and it'll never be the same without you. I miss you so much, Dad. Koi is calling for me- she's about to fall asleep, so I'll cut this short yet again. I'm sorry for not writing early today- I have been walking around like a zombie, of course. Tomorrow I pray will be better. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 8, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 7, 2018
Hi Dad. It's 4:30am, can you believe it? Koi is STILL awake! I cannot believe it. I keep waiting for her to go to bed, but she is wide awake. So, I'll have to not post a lot, but I will post in the morning, does that sound ok? She was wide awake all day b/c she slept a lot last night- probably like 10 hours. We walked around the neighborhood like 12 times, too. Oh, and Nance emailed me. She is doing fine. We both love and miss you, Dad. I know she misses her brother so much. You are the best bro and the bed Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. I promise I will write tomorrow- and please hold me to it. Also, I need to change the lights in my room. Who designed this house, right? It has the worst ways to change the furnace filters, light bulbs, everything. I keep putting off changing the bulbs, because it's so darn difficult. I'll do it tomorrow- I promise. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you like crazy. I'm looking forward to visiting you soon- in less than a month. I wish I could drive up now- but I am definitely coming soon, ok? I have the hotel booked and everything. I miss you, Dad. I'll write more later today, ok? Love youse so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 7, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 6, 2018
Hi, Dad. My anxiety is sky high tonight b/c I don't know if Koi has an ear infection. She told me her ear was hurting earlier today, but then she said she was fine when she overheard me and MK talk about taking her to the doctor (smart booger). And she fell asleep early (for her)... well not that early (1:30am) but I was wide awake, and so I decided to stay away from her and let her sleep, so I took refuge in your mancave. It's peaceful here, and I've just been vegging out on YouTube. I guess my anxiety is acting up, too. I worry when I think Koi may be sick. She was coughing a few hours ago and I'm always afraid she's going to barf in bed or something. So I've been down the hall just listening, and so far, I think she's been sleeping soundly. I'm going to be so sleepy tomorrow I know. I was so sleepy around 11- over four hours ago and now I'm wide awake. It's 3:20am. Yikes. Sorry for the ramble. I've been thinking about you so much. When I was walking around the block with Koi, I couldn't stop thinking about you and your last day with us. It was going over and over in my mind, and I was having such an anxiety attack with so many feelings of despair and heartbreak and regret. I feel like I made so many mistakes and I can't take them back. I hate myself for the decisions I made and all the things I didn't do for you. It's hard to be here and live with those mistakes knowing you are not here with me. I miss you so much, Dad. My life just will never be the same without you. I don't know if it will ever truly feel happy or fulfilling again. I love you so much- I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you dearly. You would always know exactly what to say when I was depressed. You have helped and counseled me so many times- most recently less than three years ago. You helped me get out of yet another hole. I love you so much, Dad. I will try to stay strong for you, but I really just want to crumble inside. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I miss you immensely. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 6, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. I was going to post flowers tonight and I accidentally posted a dove. So now I'm thinking it was no accident, and the dove posted itself. I dunno. I've been thinking about you a lot today and yesterday. I haven't cried, because I've been with Koi and I don't want her to see me sobbing uncontrollably. You know how she gets scared when she sees people crying- especially when she sees me crying. So I've just toned it town a notch and trying to "cry gracefully" if there is such a thing. I don't think you should ever suppress your emotions, unlike MK who does nothing but suppress her emotions. That's why me posting on your wall is so good for me. Heather, our Funeral Director, says she will leave your page up until the end of time and I can always post words to you forever and ever. I'm so thankful for this. It's like an online diary- that's public, of course (but I'm fine with that- if someone actually wants to read all of my ramblings about how much I love and miss you, so be it). Anyhow, I'm kind of rambling right now, as a matter of fact. I've been thinking, again, about all the ways I failed you. I thought about the way you left this earth- you were thinking and hoping that help was coming. I told you someone was coming, but I had not yet called 911. I was overly concerned about making sure you needed help and also making sure everything was presentable, per MK's wishes. It was so wrong of me. I felt like I lied to you- I did, actually. I gave you false hope. Your nurse, Colleen, told me that you were referring to the Angels- you wanted me to call the Angels. I don't know. Did you see Angels? She told me she started seeing them two weeks before you passed away. And she also told me that although you didn't see them, you *felt* them around you- and that was what was making you scared. She also said that you 100% meant for me to call the Angels, because that is who you knew were coming for you. Is that correct, or was Colleen just trying to make me feel better? I don't know. I hope it's the former. I hope you are with Angels now. I so hope so- I hope your presence is still around- somewhere close to us. I know you are in my heart- but I hope you are around. I've just been thinking about your last few moments and how I did you horribly wrong. I'm so incredibly sorry, although sorry cannot even begin to express my heartbreak and sorrow over my decisions and actions. All I can mumble is "I'm sorry" but what I feel is the most painful of regrets.
I'm going to lay down soon- it's 1am. Koi is finally on her bed. She was in the living room watching YouTube. She finally has retired to bed, and I think I may join her in a bit. If you only knew what was going on right now in terms of current events. You would have so much to say. It's like another Clarence Thomas confirmation hearing is going on right now. There is so much political turmoil and unrest going on in our Country right now. You would have so many wonderful, educated, smart, and unique opinions if you were here. And I would enjoy listening to them all- even despite my lack on interest in politics. You always made life interesting and funny. You sense of humor was unmatched and unsurpassed. I miss you so much, Dad. Life is not- and never will be- the same for me. I look forward to the day when I'll be reunited with you. I do believe that will happen, and I am looking forward to that day- or time- whatever increments they use to measure time where you are. I want to be with you. I love you to the moon and back. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so very much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. I was going to write you last night, but Koi pulled me in next to her, and I thought to myself "I'll write Dad after I put Koi to sleep." Well guess what? She put ME to sleep. I woke up around 3:30am, all the lights on, and it was all I could do to just turn off the lights around me and cover her. So, my apologies! I knew you would understand.

And here it is, like nine hours after I started writing this. Sorry again. You know how it is with Koi, right? I used to be so rude to you- I know I was terrible. The more I think about it, the more I just hate myself for the way I acted. I was always so stressed out with Koi. I used to snap at you- especially in the mornings when you would try to come out of your room in the mornings. I'm so sorry, Dad. I know you didn't mean anything by it. I over-conspiracy theory everything, and I'm sorry for acting like you did things on purpose when you didn't. I know you understand, though. You always understood me. And you know me more than anyone else in the Universe.

We got your Subaru tuned up today. All is well, although we had to pay over three hundred bucks for everything- emissions, tune up, and re-alignment. I was hoping it didn't need to be realigned, but it did. To me, it still pulls to the left, but maybe it's just because we aren't on any level roads. I need to take it on the highway and see if it still pulls. You taught me everything I know about cars. Imagine if I would have listened to you. There were a couple of issues with the car that turned out to be non-issues. It was me not knowing the car- a couple of lights were on, and I thought they were malfunctions when it was me just bumping certain lights. Yes, I made a fool of myself. All is well- I'm used to it. So the car is good to go for awhile. I just need to take it back to the body shop next week and get it buffed. As you know, I was in an accident a few weeks ago- a dump truck backed into me. So the hood was crumpled like an accordion and they had to replace the entire front bumper and repaint the front to match the rest of the car. They have to buff out any bumps, and they didn't want to do it until the car was thoroughly dried. Since I had to take the car to the garage today (which was the day they wanted to buff it), I'll have to bring it back into the body shop on Monday, as our contact person is now on vacation. Anyhow, the car is good for now. So hopefully nothing bad will happen to it, because it's looking and running pretty well right now.

Well, I was going to post again, but now I am thinking I'll just post once today- since it's 12:30 now and Koi is waiting for me to tuck her in. She's gonna be tracked out for awhile now, so our sleep patterns will be way off for the next three or so weeks. I can't wait until she starts high school- she'll switch to traditional calendar, which will be great. I think year round schools are ridiculous. I mean, who on earth can work these kinds of select days? Maybe it is just me.

I love and miss you so much, Dad. I was looking at some of your old pictures of when you were in the hospital. You looked really good, but then at the end of the summer, you lost a lot of weight rapidly- at least that's what it looked like. I wish I was more cognizant of your weight- I feel as if I could have done more to help you live. I didn't do anything except drive back and forth and just sit there with you. I should have done more. I hope you can forgive me someday. I don't think I ever will. I miss you, Dad. I miss everything about you. I'd give anything just to hold your hand one last time. I love you to the moon and back. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 2, 2018
Hi, Dad. Koi just fell asleep and it's "only" midnight. I have been sitting on the floor here, vegging out to YouTube and Koi's been on the bed, doing the same. We got a lot done today- which was her first day of track out. You'd be proud of me- I got Koi (and MK) their flu shots. I remember you used to tell me "I have seen what disease can do" and I'll never forget that. So, I'll always vaccinate Koi, because of the stories you used to tell me about polio. I got my flu shot about a week and a half ago. It should be kicking in about now, right? Anyhow, so they both got their flu shots. MK went to Walgreens b/c she didn't want to go to the doctor's office, and Walgreens accepts Medicare. And yes, she got the double strength shot for seniors. I think they automatically give it to you these days, but I did see on her receipt it said "extra strength" or something to that extent. We also went and got fries for Koi and MK went to H Mart and got a bunch of her crap. Literally, right? Lol. I walked around the block a few times with Koi in her stroller. I can't wait until she gets her new one- it should be soon. And when I replaced the shower head and ripped out the track in the shower, there were six holes that were left- where the screws used to be (that held the track in). I bought some waterproof caulk and caulked the holes- and it should be dry by tomorrow. I caulked it after our showers, so I'm going to let it dry for about 24 hours. I also cleaned out the garage from old inflatables (from summer), but don't worry- your chair and hoyer lift are still there. I'm not ready to give any of that up. Probably never- but I don't know if we will one day move, and I'll be forced to downsize. Anyhow, what else, what else. I feel like I did more, but I just can't remember. I feel like I've done a lot, compared to my usual do-nothing self. I did change the furnace filters and the fridge filter. But I told you about that last week. I took MK back to H Mart and she got some more oranges for Koi- and I got myself some delicious brown pears from Walmart- They look horrible but they are delicious. I guess I should hit the sack as well, but I swear I feel like I've done more than I've summarized. I guess not- but we were busy for most of the day. I don't think we have anything planned tomorrow- but Wednesday I need to bring your Suub in to get inspected for the registration, plus it needs a general tune up- the trunk isn't working as well. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much, Dad. It's really unbearable to think about, so I'm just choosing not to think about it. It's so hard. I keep thinking you are with me. And maybe you are just on a trip until I can see you. I miss my best friend an buddy. I miss how we laughed at each others' jokes and talked about everything. You were the only person who got me- and I loved listening to you talk. I hope you knew that. Because I sure did yell at you and I was such a butt to you at times. I'm so sorry- and I hope you know how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Dad. I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? I love you so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
October 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Thanks so much for your help tonight with the shower head. I know you had that giant wrench, and I remember seeing it "somewhere"- and I vaguely recall seeing it *not* in your toolbox, but I couldn't remember where. You guided me to go into your room and open up the drawers to your bachelor's chest. Ta-daa. There it was. It was so painful to see your clothes laying there. You had two new pairs of khakis that MK and I got for you from the VA Hospital's "px" that was in the basement. They have a mini-shop in there, and they had your size (the 29 inseam that you always had such a hard time finding). We got you a brown pair and a black pair. You never were able to wear them. We thought you were going to get better. I'm so sorry we were so naive. I prefer to call it hopeful. I don't think we were living in denial- but I also thought you were going to live a lot longer, even with the level of care you needed. I'm just so sorry. I miss you so much. So I did find your giant wrench and I was able to take off the shower head that you installed for me and Koi. It finally broke- the thing that held the shower head split- not the washer, but the round thing that screws into the shower "plug" or whatever you call it. It split, so it wasn't able to hold up the shower head anymore. I got a new one from Lowe's and we went home (after Koi had her fries and I stopped at Walmart for food)... and I installed it. The metal (fake metal) track was coming loose, so I just ripped it out. Then I took your pocket knife and used it to "saw" the leftover glue off where the track used to be. It looks much better now, and there is actually a ledge now around the tub. LOL. So as it stands now, the shower is basically gutted. The doors fell off, the track wΓΆs just ripped out, the shower head has been replaced, and now I put a shower rod, curtain, and well- that's about it. I think you would be proud of me- that I was able to do a few very minor and basic tasks in order to maintain the house. I get very stressed out, but I hope you would be proud of me. I woke up- late- this morning and felt awful, despite the (technically) eight hours I had last night. I guess Koi kicked me all night or something. I felt awful, and so I apologize for not writing earlier today like I said I would. I'm going to hit the sack since it's "only" midnight. I have to do more things tomorrow- like get Koi a flu shot. Wish me luck on that. I also have to get MK some of her red bean breads at the Lotte (H Mart) and drop off a few things from H Mart. I love and miss you so much. I nearly fell apart looking though your drawers for a second. It's still too painful. I don't think it'll ever be any less painful. I love you to the moon and back. You are truly the best Father in the Universe. I was so blessed to have had you as mu Dad. How did a girl get so lucky? I love you so much, Dad. I'll be here just waiting to join you. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 30, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Boy, I'm falling asleep- and I know why. It somehow got to be 2:30 in the morning. How on earth did it get so late/early? We got a late start today, I guess. Today was Koi's first day on track-out. We just kind of took it easy, and left later in the day to get Koi fries (and me a salad). Then we walked around the neighborhood several times and came inside for a bit. I guess the hours just kind of rolled by, since we weren't following a schedule. I've been thinking about you a lot today. I wish so much you were still here. It's not fair, and I know you used to always tell me that life ain't fair. It's not even fair in death, is it? I just miss you so very much. The pain of loss in unbearable. Sometimes I can't take it. Luckily, I can just go to bed to hide from the pain. I don't know what tomorrow holds, aside from getting a new shower head. The shower head/shower massage that you installed in the front bathroom finally kind of busted. The round thingy that holds the actual shower head (the detachable part)- split, and now the entire head falls off. So I either need to get a replacement round piece that is not covered in mud or dirt- or... I dunno. I'll go to Lowe's tomorrow and use MK's military discount (she loves that) and get a new head. You did so much around the house, and I want you to be proud of me. I installed the new fridge filter and it works- and I also replaced the furnace filters yesterday. I love you so much, Dad. I'm going to bed- I'm sorry for the brevity of this message, but I am falling asleep. I will write in the morning, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 30, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's "early" again (11:45) and Koi has been asleep for awhile now- she passed out after her shower, probably around 11ish. I'm sitting on the floor next to her bed, watching YouTube in all of it's (junky) glory. There is so much crap- good crap- on here. I miss you so much. I miss sharing things- my thoughts, listening to your thoughts- current events, Mac stuff, everything. I know I used to roll my eyes about all the Mac stuff, but now, when I hear about an update- I listen. Everything Mac reminds me of you, and it reminds me of how I wished I had listening to you more. When you were sick, you lost interest in computers- and it really didn't dawn on me until the very end. What I did notice, was that you re-taught yourself how to text and call me. You never ever asked for help. I admire that so much about you. You have always been so proud and stoic. I just wish I could have done more. I was so hopeless when I look back. I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's been the worst year of my life- well- yes. Even though I have had horrible times in the past, you have always been there for me- and that is what made my life not-so bad (even during the bad times). Not having you here makes me feel so utterly alone and sad. Life is so lonely w/o my Father and best friend. You couldn't not be funny. MK and I were laughing about something you said before you got sick- something about me and how you told me I should watch my language, or else Koi will learn from me and say "f you" to her teacher "and then it'll all be over." Everything you said was just so funny because of the way you delivered it. I miss that so much about you. We both laughed so loud, but then I quietly cried and cried- to myself- because it reminded me of how much I miss you. I think Koi saw me crying. She always gets so concerned when I'm upset, and then she gives me hugs and kisses. She is so in tune with some people and their emotions. Even though she gave you a bad time- at times- that was more because she saw me and MK giving you a bad time. You know she loved you dearly. I think that was exemplified that day, about a year ago, when she climbed into your wheelchair and sat there for a long time. I was somewhere in the house, and MK said the two of you were talking for awhile. I love how she wasn't intimidated by you- even when you were sick. She saw you for who you are- a kind, gentle, loving me. You saved my life, Dad. I hope you knew that. every day I am here, I owe it to you. It's bittersweet, because I can't fully enjoy my life w/o you here. But I'm here. And it's not the same w/o you. I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe, and I feel like even though we didn't get long enough together, I am so lucky I did have you as my Dad. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 28, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's "only" 11pm. Well, Koi "delivered" early today- 9pmish. She also went to her horseback riding lesson/session today as well. We aren't doing Horse and buddy anymore- we're doing "Horses for Hope." They give Riders a LOT more autonomy. Koi has to brush the horse that she rides each week (which she has zero interest in doing, so guess who ends up brushing the horse. It's okay- it's kind of fun. Today, Koi fed three horses some apples we brought from home. You would have loved it, Dad. You always had an ability to talk to horses. I used to call you the "horse whisperer." I loved how you used to walk up to horses at Horse & Buddy and spend time with them. They were definitely talking to you, that is for sure. Today I felt the same way. Apollo is a sweet boy horse and he watched Koi feed Sienna two apples with such a sad and envious look on his face. But he was well behaved the whole time. Good thing we noticed him and fed him (and Snow) one apple each. It was fun. Koi got such a kick out of it- she saw the horse teeth and burst out in laugher (and ran away). It was a bit scary, feeding a horse and having his teeth come so close to my hands- but I was really careful. Apollo was a sweet horse and Koi did great. Today was only her second lesson, but she really did seem to love riding.

Anyhow, I am so pooped. I haven't slept well all week- and neither has Koi. I hate to be this way, but I seriously need to go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow is Koi's last day of school before a three day track out. I'm thankful the half day/early release is now a full day, so I am going to do a few things around the house- change the filters (in MK's room and the main hallway).

I keep falling asleep, so I am going to cut this short yet again and finish up tomorrow- I promise! I love you so very much, Dad. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I miss you to pieces. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 27, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's "only" 1am, but I am so pooped. Koi is snoring and I am going to join her in just a second. I promise I will continue this tomorrow. I kept meaning to take a nap today but it just didn't happen. The good news is that we got the Suub back. It is looking good, although the passenger window doesn't work from the Driver's seat, if that makes sense. Koi can control her own window, but I cannot control her window from where I sit. So, I'll try to see if it can be controlled in any other way. Fingers crossed MK is a bit livid, but what else is new. I'm too tired to even think about it. She has been in a horrible mood, and being so difficult to live with. I am hoping she'll be in better spirits tomorrow. Oh- and I got a flu shot so I feel a bit feverish and achy tonight. I am going to lay down and hope I feel better tomorrow. I know my whining is nothing like the pain and suffering you endured. So I feel so pathetic even mentioning it. I love and miss you so much. I don't want to think about how much I miss you. It's too painful to think about. So I am going to sleep so I can avoid having to grieve. I can't bear it. I love you to the moon and back. Love you so very much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 27, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. Surprise, surprise, it's super late again. At least Koi and I took a short nap this afternoon, which is why she is bouncing off the walls and it's 2:30am. Your Suub wasn't ready today, as they said it might be. They painted the front of the car, but it didn't match (I know, a pet peeve of yours), and so the auto body shop person called me and said she is having them paint the front of the car- again. I know this would drive you crazy, but at least she is trying to get it to match. Like you always used to say "there is no right or wrong in a car accident." Noone "wins" right? Ugh. I could throttle that dump truck. Anyhow, here is hoping that USAA will go after the guy who backed into me- because if they're too lazy, they'll just pay it and hike up my rates. The police report makes is so obvious that it wasn't my fault, so hopefully they will get the other guy's insurance to pay for all the damages. Seriously. Anyhow, Koi has been really sweet today. I stayed up late waiting for a BM (TMI?) and that is why it's so late. Plus, that nap. Anyhow, she has finally stopped jumping on the bed and laughing hysterically, so maybe I will join her in bed in just a few. My arm- my new spaceship tattoo- is having a hard time healing. I have been putting too much lotion on top of it and I have inadvertently locked in all the bacteria and germs. It was starting to smell and it was warm- and I had no idea why. You think with all the tattoos, I would have figured it out. Anyhow, so I washed off my tattoo really well and exfoliated it gently. Then I put some hydrocortisone on it plus some Aquaphor on it, and it started itching again. Then I read that petroleum based products are a no-no, so I washed off the Aquaphor and put on Hydrocortisone again. My arm started itching- again. I washed it yet again and this time I put nothing on it. It felt better, but then it started to crack with dryness, so I put just a tad of Lubriderm on it. nope- still itching. Last time- I washed it again and just put nothing on it. When it got really dry and felt like it was going to crack I put a very light hydrocortisone cream on it. It seems ok although it's itching again. I think I should just go to bed and hopefully it will heal some more overnight. My arm miraculously isn't hot anymore, though. I thought it was infection, but my arm just got cool on its own- again, no idea why. Thank you so much, Dad- you are always my Guardian Angel and you're always looking out for me. I love you to the moon and back. I have Dr. Patkar appt. tomorrow, so wish me luck on that. I love you so much- you are the best Dad and Grandpa in the Universe. We are so very lucky to have had you as our Dad/Grandpa. I love you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 25, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, it's super late here (2:30am). I should have gone to bed earlier- Koi fell asleep around 1am. Like you, I'm a night owl, and I've been laying on your bed, watching YouTube. I miss you so much. I've been emailing Nance earlier this evening. She had a funny story to tell about her doctor and getting a colonscopy lol- I'm sure you know what it is. Anyhow, sometimes I just don't want to go to bed out of some anxiety I have. It hurt so much to not have you here. I don't want to feel the pain, and the only time I am not feeling pain is when I'm asleep- so why don't I go to sleep? It's hard to explain, and I don't really have the answers. I wish so much I could find peace, but it's impossible just knowing the type of person I am. I am so devastated and distraught. I would give anything just to hear your voice one more time. I love you to the moon and back. I guess I should try to wrap myself "in the arms of morpheus" as you used to say. Sorry this is so short- again. I'm tired, I suppose- and yet I am wide awake. I love you so much, Dad. Let me write in the morning. Oh, and I know you must have had something to do with the fact that we sat in very little traffic coming home yesterday. Thank you. I love you, Dad. I hope you are having a big slice if birthday cake with Grandma up in Heaven. Happy Birthday to Grandma- and you, of course. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 25, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 24, 2018
Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you so much. There isn't a day- a minute- that goes by, where I don't think about you. I wish so much I could see you, hold your hand, hear your voice, laugh at one of your jokes- just one more time. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad and Grandpa in the Universe. Koi and I love and miss you so much. We had a nice visit, didn't we? You have a beautiful spot, but it's still not the same without you. I love you so very much. xoxo, G Kat <3 (insert the Blue Mountain cat doing the splits- I didn't send you a b-day card, but hey- maybe I will tomorrow, ok?) xoxo
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 24, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 24, 2018
Ugh! I think I just missed your actual birthday. Ugh! Well, for what it's worth... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dawg. I love you so much. We got home late tonight- around 8ish. We had a "detour" at Sonic and TJ Maxx in Wake Forest. Instead of taking 85 all the way to 70 (since it's under construction), I veer off the Rt. 1/Capital Blvd and head home that way. It's actually much quicker and breaks up the trip nicely. When we were in D.C., the "losing air in tire" light went off on the rental car. Luckily, I put some air in two of the tires with lower air pressure, and the light went off. There doesn't appear to be a flat (knock on wood). And the good news is- we get your car back on Tuesday- which is earlier than the expected return date. I can't wait. I missed the Suub a lot.

It was nice visiting your grave yesterday and today. It was raining and cold today, but I think you would have liked the weather, as long as you were indoors, in front of a fire, sipping some hot cocoa and wearing a flannel shirt. I miss those times we used to have together. We both loved the fall so much. The weather has already started cooling off in VA, eh? In NC, it's still hot and sticky outside. It was a good visit, and too short, as usual. We went shopping at the BX yesterday and MK got Koi a North Face hoodie, and a really nice Air Force ornament that we will hang on the tree this year in your honor. She also got Koi a beret that she (Koi) picked out. Go figure. That's Koi, right? I sent some pictures to Rick the Younger and your sister. They both enjoyed them and wished you a Happy Birthday. Rick Snyder says he will pay his respects the next time he's at Arlington. His Father is also buried there.

I'll write again in a bit. It's going to be a late night. I am still waiting for Koi to do her business- and I can't send her to school until she does so- or else she'll get a tummy ache, and I'll have to pick her up, just like I did on Friday. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you so much. You're the best Dad in the Universe. You would have been 78 today- and you should still be here. You were gone much too soon. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 24, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 22, 2018
Hi, Dad. What a nightmare tonight, eh? Thank you for being there for me. Boy, did MK flip out on me. I thought it was going to be disastrous. I asked for your help, and like always, you came through for me. I promise I am not praying all the time for your help (too much). But this time, I really needed it. I am exhausted. It's 2am, and I better join Koi and go to bed. I have to get up at 8am at the latest tomorrow (today). I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 22, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 21, 2018
Hi, Dad. Oh look- a friend sent you flowers. How nice. You are always on peoples' minds. I wish so much I could hug you one more time. I miss you so much. I wish that you weren't so sick during the last eight months of your life. I feel as if I just went into autopilot mode and never really had the chance to talk with you. Honestly, I was too scared. I was afraid you were too sick to understand what was going on. And I didn't want to have any conversations that would cause you to lose hope- because even though I always had hope, I was always looking at the worst case- and I didn't want you to sense that from me and worry. I remember once when a doctor wanted to talk to me not in front of you. You said "uh oh, that can't be good" and I just wanted to strangle that doctor for saying it right in front of you. Turns out, it wasn't even all that bad- just the usual negativity that the medical model spewed at us on a daily basis at the VA. Don't get me started about them. It's almost one year since you passed and I have one more year to think about "how" accountable to care to make them for basically doing nothing for your care. No PT, nada. I could scream. Sometimes I do. I have a cold right now, and I have no idea why it's 1am and I'm still awake. I was so ill and sleepy, but then I took a motrin and I'm as good as new, minus a sore throat. But I do need to hit the sack, after obsessively trolling the Internets for an hour. I should have written more, but I'm going to wrap this up and continue the rest later today (Friday), if that is okay. I always make promises to write you again and I usually don't deliver do I? I promise I will this time. I have a million things to do for MK tomorrow, but I promise I will have time. It's Friday after all. I'll be seeing you this weekend, ok? I love and miss you so much. You are the best Father and Grandfather in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. I lit a yellow candle, because I know MK would want me to, even though she is snoring right now. I miss you, Dad. I hope you are still around on some level. I hope you are watching over me/us. I am so lonely and depressed. I miss you. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 21, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 19, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm going to apologize right off the bat, because my throat is hurting and I've felt sick for most of the day today. I should have napped, but I thought it would make me feel worse. So I stayed up and then Koi napped for two hours after school! Anyhow, I've felt blah ever since lunchtime- no idea why. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I'm embarrassed to even mention it to you, given all the extreme suffering you went through during your last year. It's humiliating for me to even talk about it- so why am I? I don't know- I guess just to say that I'm not going to write very much tonight. I feel really sleepy and sick- nothing like what you went through, but I'm not used to feeling sick, so it's just wearing me down. I've been thinking about you so much today. This week is your week. Like you, I am sentimental. Seventy-eight years ago, your Mom, my Grandma, was getting ready to give birth to her first child. I wonder how she felt. Was she nervous? Scared? Excited? What was Grandpa feeling? Was he excited? Worried about finances? Scared about being a new Dad? One of my favorite stories you told me was the one where your Dad, my Grandpa, took the money your family had that was supposed to pay for a new bed (for you) and instead- bought you a brand new bicycle. That's my kind of Dad. You were that kind of Dad- fun, caring, and always put his/your family (kids) first. God, I miss you so much. Thinking about you brings me to my knees and brings me to tears. I love you so much. I miss you so much. You are the absolute best Father in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 19, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 18, 2018
Hi, Dad. Mom and I went to the Golden Pig- it's a newish Korean Restaurant that opened around the time you were sick. I think it was open before- maybe at the end of 2016, but I am not sure. We went there and it wasn't nearly as decent as we remembered it to be. Korean food always reminds me of you. It's been a hard day. I've fought back a lot of tears (in front of MK who of course, also misses you). She keeps saying "I thought he was going to live until at lease 80." And "his body just couldn't keep going. He wanted to live, but his body was sick." She's right. That's pretty much the extent of our talks about you. I always tell her how much I miss you and how I just can't believe you're gone. I saw a "one year ago" post from Facebook today about how they couldn't take your blood and it just incensed me. I don't want to go into it, but it just pisses me off all over again. Incompetence, scapegoating, denial, lies. The medical model can just suck it. And I now loathe teaching hospitals. I used to see the value in them, and now, to me, they are nothing but an avenue for making desperate patients to be guinea pigs. I hate them, as I hate professors now. I have come full circle. I wish I joined the Air Force out of high school. I wish I had done something with my life to make you proud of me. I feel like I did nothing with my life. And I continue to do nothing with my life. I doubt I will ever do anything or make anything of myself. I had such high hopes and aspirations to be somebody. Ever since college, that is. I thought I could be special and make you proud. I've become one of the biggest losers I know. My own Mother hates me, and my daughter, although she loves me, she has zero respect for me- because MK constantly undermines me. That and well- I don't think I exactly earn her respect with the stupid choices and decisions I make, either. I feel like such a fool. I hope you were able to see how much I loved you when you were sick. Even though I made so many mistakes, my concern and love was genuine. I just hope and pray you knew that. I am oddly looking forward to "seeing" you this weekend. I'm both looking forward to it, but I am also sad and scared. I don't want the visit to be a sad one. A reflective one, yes. But I don't want to be crying all the time, in front of Koi. She is so sensitive these days. I know you love her so much- and you have always put her first. I will continue your legacy and honor your memory by being the best Mom I can be to her. I love and miss you so much, Dad. Koi is looking at me now, so let me join her. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad and Grandpa in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 18, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 17, 2018
Hi, Dad. I am sad tonight, but for some strange reason, I am also feeling hopeful. I think it's because Koi has school tomorrow (after being at home for five long days) heh! She's going to track out next week, too- Lord help me! Anyhow, I guess that's why I'm in a better mood. You know I love Koi more than anything, but I also love my alone time. MK loves to nag me on what I am not doing for Koi. I miss you in my corner, Dad. You used to always stand up for me- you were my one and only advocate. I guess I was a Daddy's girl. I didn't realize this until you became sick. I could not see my life without you. I still can't. I often don't want to live a life without you. I didn't know this is what would happen, and I certainly didn't appreciate the significance of you not being here would have on me. It's really hard to cope most days. But wait- I said I was feeling "hopeful" today, didn't I? So I should save the self-pity for another night, ok? Well, I guess I should get in the bed soon. It's almost midnight and yet I am wide awake. Koi and I slept in today, and I'm glad we did, because she is a lot better today. She had a fever Saturday until Sunday morning. She was able to rest Sunday and today, and I think she should be good to go by tomorrow. So today is a four day week. Saturday is a make-up day, but it's just a half day. I don't think Koi will be going, as we need to start on our road trip up to see you. Yep- I can hardly wait. This weekend will be special. I don't want to say "celebratory" because it will be very heartbreaking. But I still do look forward to seeing you- being close to you. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so very much. Anyhow, I forgot to add- the following week will be Koi's last week until track out. The Friday will no longer be early release, as the snow make up day will extend that day for a full day. The other make up day is during track out, so Koi's track doesn't have to make it up at all. Please explain the logic of that to me. I know if you were here, we could have a good laugh about NC's crazy system, or lack thereof. Why on earth would you not have to make up a school day, because the make up day happens to fall during a track out. Crazy. Anyhow, Koi is saying "stop the rain" which means- she too is tired of five days of raining. I am hoping Hurricane Florence is going going going- gone. Well, I guess I should try to hit the sack. I love and miss you, Dad. I feel like I want to share so many things with you- so many new developments with the iphone, Apple, and current events. You always inspired me to stay curious, although I am no longer very curious these days. One day I will look at all of your old emails to me- the long ones where you explained things to me. I saved them knowing I would cherish them someday. I hate how I 'lost' a lot of your emails- but they are on my other computer which I still have. MK said she would pay for me to get it fixed (the water damage fixed) and so I will be able to find a lot of your old emails. I think I will have that done, as a matter of fact. I will take her up on the generous offer. Koi is looking at me, so I better get to bed. I love you, Dad. I miss you so very much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, Koi's fever finally broke and she's been fever-free ever since she woke up today. Good news. Tomorrow there is no school, however, because of the hurricane. We didn't get any damage, thank goodness, but other parts of the County are still w/o power and have some damage (trees, flooding, debris, and power lines). We were very fortunate, so basically we just get another day off. All we had to endure was 1) panic, 2) lots of rain- but not too much, actually 3) more panic, 4) stores selling out of everything, including things we use every day, like coffee and plastic utensils, and 5) even more panic (and no bottled water). What are people going to do with all of that bottled water? Well in Morrisville, of course, they all return it (which makes it unsaleable). Great. Anyhow, so that's that. I guess we're not out of the woods yet, as the rains are not over. I was just thinking about how different our "evacuation" plan would have looked last year, as opposed to this year (i.e. we had no plan this year, as we are all mobile). Last year, with you being on oxygen and not as mobile as you once were, we would be panicking big time. It makes me so sad, because you should still be here. I don't understand why. I'm still devastated. And to top things off, I'm in a rental car and MK is giving me excuse after excuse not to go up to Arlington next weekend. But she will not "win" this one. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down. I don't do it often, but I am going to this time. It's important. To you and to me. I think she understands the significant for other reasons. To her, it reflects poorly on her- and that's all she really cares about. For me, not only does it reflect poorly on all of us, but it also, in my opinion, reflects poorly on you, which I will not tolerate. So we are coming no matter what- barring another major natural disaster or a life-threatening illness with one of us. Aside from those two things, we'll be there. Sigh. I've been talking to Aunt Nance, and she is doing okay. Her blood sugars are outta whack, but she is going to the doctor next Monday (not tomorrow, but a week from tomorrow). She'll be fine, right? I feel like everybody and everything, including me, Koi, MK- we are all so insignificant. I feel like you suffered so much and endured so much during those eight months- none of us can even hold a candle to any of it. You suffered so stoicly, too. I'm so sorry for not recognizing your pain while you were still alive. I knew it was there, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want you to worry, nor did I want to worry. If I didn't acknowledge it, it didn't exist. I'm just so sorry for the way I handled everything. I'll only think about it everyday until I join you. I miss you so much, Dad. I don't know how else to say it. I wish you were here. I miss listening to your voice, your jokes, your snark. Everything about you I miss. I'm wearing your raincoat now- the dark blue North Face one you loved so much. I wear it now. I let Koi borrow it the other day and of course, she chewed the zipper. She didn't ruin it, but she did damage it, which did make me yell at her a bit. She said she was sorry, and yet she turned around and did it all over again. So frustrating. So she's not going to wear it again is all. So tomorrow there is no school and well just do our usual nothing. We do a lot of that these days. Koi is very rigid with the routines and so we just go out once a day for her fries- and then we walk around the block once or twice, and then we hang out at home in the evening (couples with her evening shower/bath). She's in bed right now, and I suppose I should join her. I wasted half an hour cleaning and taking out my nose ring (nose stud- I got it pierced twice, which I know you would hate). It looked so good, but it doesn't look so good infected with a big bulbous red swollen pimple on the hole. So I have to let it close up. TMI I know. I should just stick with the piercings I have. I have tried to get so many new ones- two on my ear, two on my lobe, and my nose, and I've had to let all give close up. I got my daith pierced and I still have that one. I showed you that piercing when you were in the hospital and you were like "whatever." You were so easy going and kind. You said such nice things to me. I'll never forget it. You liked my hair being blonde. You said such nice things to me. You were a wonderful human. I miss you so much, Dad. I hope you are somewhere. God, I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best darn Dad in the Universe. I would give anything to have you back, even for a minute. Love you so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, Koi is still sick. She woke up at 5am with a raging fever. She's been taking Tylenol every six hours, but her fever creeps back up if the Tylenol wears off. Poor thing. Nancy has been emailing me, as she is dogsitting while Kim and Stan attend the Ole Miss game. She says that Kim has an adjustable King sized bed that is comfy. It makes me realize that we didn't do anything for you when you came home. MK and I did get you a Sleep Number bed, but it arrived broken- can you believe it? It didn't recline/incline, and so we returned it. We just couldn't wait the 6 weeks it took to deliver, so we cancelled, thinking we could get something better. Then, when the social working said we could get a real hospital bed for basically free- of course we jumped on that, thinking it would be so much better than a sleep number. Boy was I wrong. I thought a really nice bed would come, and all that came was an inflatable piece of crap. It's still in our living room, btw, because I cannot bear to get rid of it. It's the last piece of furniture you laid down in. So I'd like to keep it for awhile. Personally I'd like to keep it indefinitely, but I have a feeling MK will force me to get rid of it in the far future. I don't even want to think about it. Anyhow, my point being that me and MK really didn't do anything much for you and I feel terrible for it. I realize it's too late. A day late and a dollar short, right? But these horrible feelings of regret really just stare at me, and I'm looking at them. Either way, they win. The people who made the adjustable hospital bed did a horrible job, and the people whose job it is to make sure you were provided for at home completely dropped the ball. The Sleep Number people were entirely clueless as to the importance of the bed, which was why I did not advocate getting another one. The hospital bed was a piece of junk. Looking back, MK and I should have gotten you a King size, adjustable bed. I hate myself for doing nothing. I go in your room and hate myself. So many reasons to hate myself. So many poor decisions I made. And now I'm falling asleep, while sitting up, as usual. And now I'll promise to write you during the day tomorrow and then I won't. Sigh. But I promise I will. I'm falling asleep, so I need to get Koi in her pj's and off to sleep. She's starting to snore. Aw. I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I think about you all day, every day. I have so many regrets and I am so sorry for all the mistakes I made re. your care. I wish I could turn back the clock and redo so much. I love you so very much. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I am so very lucky to have you as MINE. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 15, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well here I am again. Falling asleep while sitting up, but this time, Koi is already asleep! I think she had a headache, poor thing. She kept telling me "I not sick" which usually means she is sick. I don't know, but she fell asleep shortly after getting out of the tub. So I'm sitting here on the floor next to her, and I keep falling asleep while sitting up. I'm pathetic. I talked to you for a bit in your room before coming into my room. I regret not telling you how much you meant to me. You used to say "you'll miss me when I'm gone" and it was a way that you used to advise me to listen to you some more. I wish I had. Sometimes it was in oneear and out the other. And you were such a font of knowledge. You knew so much about Macs and life in general. I told myself that I would save your emails- which I did- so I could use them as a reference on life someday when you're gone. But now that you're gone, it's too painful for me to go through old emails- emails where you wrote me. Especially the ones before your stroke. God, I just hate myself for not getting you to the doctor that day sooner. I have so many regrets. It's so exhausting to think about al of the ways I failed you. You fought so hard to stay with us for eight long months. I know you struggled. I wasn't oblivious, but I was so tunnel visioned in just getting you better. I know I'm rambling, but right now, I'm having such a hard time with you not being here... I'm rambling a lot. People who are used to being in the spotlight aren't used to having to listen to me, and so some "friends" I had to say good bye to but that's okay. I doubt they were friends to begin with. I'm rambling again and dozing off. I keep promising you that I will write and by this time at night I'm literally falling asleep while sitting up. I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should try to tuck in Koi (who isn't wearing pajamas) and get to bed myself. I hope the rain lets up tomorrow. We are in the midl of a hurricane and so the rain is an excuse for us to be lazy, eh? The rain is peaceful and beautiful. I now understand why you loved it so much. Anyhow, I keep dozing off and when I come to- I have no idea what I wrote, and when I try to read it, it makes no sense. I suck so bad. I do love you with all of my being. And I miss you so terribly. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 14, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 13, 2018
I'm baaaack. Koi needed a cuddle and now she's ok. She's become quite moody in her tween years. Gee- I wonder who she takes after (cough cough). Anyhow, I saw that Arlington National Cemetery is also on alert for Hurricane Florence and to stay tuned for any updates. I hope things will be all clear by the time we come up to see you. I'm sure it will be.
Well, I'll say good night, as Koi looks a bit emotional again and I should join her this time. I love you to the moon and back and I promise to write you in the morning. Love youse so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. Will you channel some sunshine our way? So we are expecting a hurricane. It's been downgraded to category 2 (as opposed to the initial category 4 status), but there is still supposed to be torrential rains, flooding, and possibly some power outages. Oh I hope we do not lose power! Can you imagine? Koi? With no Internet? Oh geez. Will you channel some dry thoughts our way? I've been emailing Nancy back and forth. She's doing okay. Plugging alone, as usual. emailing her just makes me miss you all the more. The fact she grew up with you makes me feel closer to you when I email her, but I also miss you terribly. I think it's unfair how you got your life cut short. You knew you were dying, too. And I really didn't pay attention, did I? I was being too self- absorbed. I hope you knew how much I loved you- and how I really would have done anything for you, despite me complaining all the time. I love you to the moon and back. More in a sec but Koi is calling me... brb ok?? love you so much.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 13, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 12, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well you'll never guess what happened today. I was sitting at a stop light, minding my own business. MK and I worked hard in the morning to get "ready" for the big hurricane that is coming. We got gas, cream for coffee, pop tarts for Koi, and a loaf of bread. Oh and we picked up a sheet cake, too. Then we brought it all home and I thought I could take MK to TJ Maxx for an hour before we pick up Koi. Well we were sitting at the stoplight when this huge dumptruck starts backing up. There is a car behind me, so I have nowhere to go. I lay on the horn over and over but he keeps backing up and "crunch!" he backs right into the front of the Suub. The hood is crunched like an accordian and parts of the trim under the headlight is broken off as well. The hood won't close all the way although right now it's still driveable. The police wrote up the report, and I believe they told me not to worry, although they can't really charge anyone at the scene, since they weren't a direct witness. But they took down all the facts and they kept saying I had nothing to worry about. We'll see, right? There is a $500 deductibe that, of course, we have to pay. We may get it back if his insurance company won't accept liability. I hope they do, as the driver of the truck was clearly at fault. But he had a horrible attitude, was yelling at MK and seems to be the kind of guy who either lies or yells at women. You know how some men get off on that, right? Anyhow, that was our adventure for the day. I go tomorrow morning to get an estimate on the damage I just want to nightmare to be over and it hadn't happened. I'm grateful we all are okay, though. Koi wasn't in the car, thank God. So that was our big adventure and I am exhausted and stressed. I'm sorry about your car. I hope to God they don't total it out so we have a car to fix. I can't bring myself to say good bye to that car. I also hope they can fix it, as the structural damage seems extensive. Fingers crossed the estimate won't be that high. I emailed Nancy- just to say hi and to keep her up to date on the goings on of us. She was feeling dizzy earlier this week so she went to the doc to get her meds adjusted. I think she is on the mend finally. Koi has been waiting patiently for me, so I better scoot over and put her to sleep. I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 12, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. Koi has a headache tonight- I think it's her head (and not her tummy), so I have to make this short (again) just so I can lay down with her- I'm sorry. I miss you so much, Dad. There isn't a minute in the day that goes by, where I don't think about you MK made me go to H Mart earlier today, due to the impending "hurricane." We got some dried persimmons- because hey- every household needs that for a hurricane. We also got some water and another six pack of cokes. I got gas yesterday so I didn't get any today. I refuse to wait block(s) long lines, like in the 70's... for gas. Nope! So we are okay on gas, although now I am paranoid that we need to top it off, but I think we'll be okay. That's just the Type A in me. Gee I wonder who I got that from... πŸ™‚

Anyhow, Koi is on the bad and I think she always wonders why she gets headaches. I can hear her scripting and being confused about her head hurting. I told her she needed to rest and maybe cut back on her phone usage. "No! she replied on cutting back the phone usage. Ah "just like her Grandfather" is for sure. I'm sorry I keep falling asleep while I'm trying to write coherently to you. It ain't working out. But I will say that I love and miss you very much. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you terribly. There isn't a second that goes by here I don't think of you. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 11, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 10, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 10, 2018
Hi, Dad. As promised, this is my second post on my birthday lol. I had a decent day today. I was sad for most of it. Plus, I had a migraine. I think with the hurricane coming, the air pressure was different, which caused my head to hurt. Of course, my head didn't hurt nearly as much as yours did last year. I can't get over how I didn't take you to the hospital sooner. Please please forgive me. If I could do March 6, 2017 over again, I would have taken you to the ER as soon as MK and I got back from Mebane. Actually, I wouldn't have gone to Mebane at all. I can't even bring myself to go back to that place, as it represents bad decisions to me. I am so sorry. Instead of saying I was going to take you after I picked up Koi- I should have taken you right away. I am such a fool. MK and I were looking at pictures of you today and commenting how good you looked- even right up until about a week before you passed. I know you had wasted away and were quite thin. But you looked very good with clothes on. You were so dapper and handsome. I have some pictures of us that I will always cherish. I even have a brief video and you sound so gentle and grateful for what little I did. And you believed me when I said we were going to get your COPD under control. I thought we were. I am so sorry for letting you down. I'll never forgive myself for all the bad decisions I made involving your care. I love and miss you so much. I was really depressed today- although MK and I did enjoy looking at pictures of you- and older pictures of you and Koi. Koi loves you so much- and I know how much you love her. I wrote your sister today- finally after over a month. She is doing well- dogsitting a lot. Both boys are at Ole Miss and liking it. Kim goes to Ole Miss football games with Stan. I had a nice birthday. I snook away and got a small tattoo today- a little rocket ship, because it reminds me of you. Remember that story you told me about how your teacher said when you looked out the window, you saw a bird and you made believe it was a rocketship. And when that bird flew away, you were on that rocket ship πŸ˜‰ I loved that story and so I got a rocketship tattoo to commemorate you and your love for science fiction. I don't know what I will get next, but this small momento really helps keep me happy because it's an active tribute I can do for you. Plus I love tattoos. I love you so much, Dad. And I miss you so much. MK told me I wanted Hibachi buffet today, so that's what we got. She also told me that I wanted suchi (octopus) at the Hibachi buffet, so that's what she got. Yuck. We went to the one in Cary- not Durham. It's a bit nicer and I remember you used to go with MK and you used to go yourself maybe? Anyhow we went at noon and by the time we left, there was a friggin line to get in. Can you imagine? A line to eat crap. All U can eat crap lol. I'm going to lay down with the Koi now, as my arm hurts and it's almost 11pm. I had a bad headache all day today b/c I think of the air pressure changing plus just being sad. Birthdays are no fun when the people who are most important to you and your life are no longer there. I struggle to find meaning in life. I'm going to go to sleep so I can forget the heartache. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I also got a moon and little Saturn tattoo next to the rocketship. I hope you like it. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 10, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm posting a big bear hug for you tonight. I am so sorry I have been such a slacker in posting nightly notes to you. It's important to me, and yet I have not been treating it as such. I wait until the end of the day, and by then, I'm falling asleep b/c my evening meds have kicked in. Ugh. Excuses, excuses. I know. Today is my birthday, but you know that. I love my birthday story you used to tell me- it was a beautiful fall day in Tachikawa Air Base, Yakota, Japan. MK went to the hospital- I think in the morning, and by the time she had me, it was around 1pm and it was just a beautiful day outside. You have a good memory of me being born, and I love that. I used to wonder why you and MK waited for seven years before you had me. But now I understand your reasoning. You wanted to wait until you came back from Vietnam- so you wouldn't leave MK a widow in case anything happened to you. You were always so thoughtful- in each and every thing you did. You planned everything and lived your life with thought and integrity. I miss you so very much. I'm going to hit the sack, as Koi is laying right here waiting for me. I know you love her more than anything, so you understand me needing to lay down with her so she can fall asleep. She has school tomorrow, and hopefully she'll make it πŸ™‚ I intend to make MK take me out to lunch, despite her resistance to celebrate me being another year older. I know I'm a bit old- beyond middle aged, as you would say- and it's silly to celebrate birthdays at my age. I know it's nothing to celebrate. But I need a reason to smile- so I'm going to celebrate. I have had the worst year of my life- but I know it's nothing compared to the year you had. I feel so selfish wallowing in my misery when you are the one who suffered. But I am. I'll try to get better about it. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. My life feels so empty without you in it. I love and miss you each and every day. I'll write you again on my birthday- because the days are long and yet the years fly by. I miss you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I was so lucky to have you as my Dad. But I feel so lonely without you. I miss you so much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 9, 2018
Hi, Dad. I've been slacking bigtime on my posts to you. I think I just wait too long until I write and by this time I'm falling asleep. I was nice and awake for most of the day and I should have written you then- not now, at 1:30 in the morning. I miss you. Did I tell you about the dream MK had about you? She told me you are doing well b/c she remembers her dream so clearly- you were driving in a silver car to come and see me and MK. You had a big grin on our fact, too. I so wish I had a dream like that. But it's ok. I think about you obsess about you and how much I miss you every single day. I feel so much pain and hurt by your loss. I'll never be the same again. It's okay, though- I don't want to be the same again. Because my life will never be the same again. It's as if all of your dreams and hopes for the future come to a complete stop. You want them to, though- because what is the point to have hopes and dreams if you are not here to share them with. Right now, I am just existing- going through the motions day to day. Maybe I'll have a decent moment here and there- and that's really good enough for me. My decent moments are usually one where I'm experiencing a memory of you. You filled my life with wonderful memories, Dad. You were the best Dad in the Universe- and I loved you so very much. You were my everything, and there will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of you. I love you to the moon and back. I will write more tomorrow when I am more awake. It's almost 2am, so I better lay down for a bit. I love you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 9, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, Koi has been asleep for close to three hours and I need to go and join her. I promise to write you when we all wake up, whenever that is- Saturday morning, I hope. MK said she had a dream last night where you were visiting us- see my explanation in the last thread. Ugh Koi's tossing and turning, so let me lay down. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you so very much. I miss you and sleep is the only pain that numbs the hurt and loss. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 7, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 7, 2018
Oops- I accidentally hit "share" too soon. But I was wondering the significance of the January 17th date. Was it the day of a surgery? Did you have pacemaker surgery that day? I cannot remember. I recall you had one surgery in December and one in either January or February. I wish so much I could remember. I feel like you were trying to tell me something, because the phone literally lit up after I talked. I dunno- or maybe it was just a coincidence. I miss you, Dad. I hate it when the weekends come, because I have more time on my hands to think about how incredibly heartbroken I am that you are no longer here. But on the on the other hand, I like the weekends because I have more time to catch up on my posts to you, plus I can sleep in a bit. I miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to cut this short b/c Koi is crying now for some reason. I think she's exhausted b/c it's 1:30 in the morning. She just doesn't get enough sleep b/c we all sit around, waiting for her to do her business so she's not sick the next day. And here we are- almost 2am and she is cranky and weepy- and of course I am crabby too. I better go and cuddle her- I know that is what you would tell me to do. You would tell me not to take out my fatigue on her and you would always give me great advice. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow (later today), ok? I love you immensely. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. Here I was, getting ready to write a lot on your wall, and I just fell asleep sitting up :/ Ugh. Koi's school meeting went okay- fairly well. Koi is still awake on the bed- she seems quite tired and I am not sure if she is teary. So I may have to jump off and attend to her. Teenage years have presented themselves with a lot of hormones and emotion at times. Sometimes she cries for (apparently) no reason and other times (the majority of the time), she laughs for no apparent reason. Okay, she seems ok. I think. I was talking to you in your room and telling you that I love and miss you when all of a sudden your pacemaker phone lit up. I don't know what it (you) were trying to tell me, but it was lit up- the lights all flashing, reds and blues. The date- January 17, 2017 was lit up, too. I'm not sure what the significance of that date is. You were apparently fine that day?
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 7, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, I am falling asleep- sitting up on the floor of my bedroom. Sorry. I need to continue writing you tomorrow when I am more awake. I am practically snoring while sitting up. Tomorrow is Koi's IEP. Please think good, positive thoughts for us. I so want to get Koi the support she deserves. I hope she gets it. She deserves it. She is now running up and down the hall- oops. I better put her to bed. I love and miss you so much. I can't stop thinking about you and all of the poor judgments I made last year. I'm going to escape my feelings of hopelessness and and see where this path takes me. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 5, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's 3 in the morning and I'm still awake. Koi is asleep and so is MK. I'm in your room, on your bed- surfing the net and procrastinating going to sleep. I truly am my Father's daughter, aren't I? I don't think it's a bad thing, although I am going to be hurting tomorrow morning- in just a few hours. I better cut this short tonight, because I wasted so much time doing nothing and watching a bunch of junk on YouTube. I printed out a few pictures from your Interment earlier this evening- the one where I am kneeling down next to your coffin. Cousin Kim took that picture and I really do love it. I also printed out a couple of really nice ceremonial pictures from your Interment, along with a picture of Koi standing in front of the Washington Monument. MK and I talked about you tonight- how much we miss you and how we really thought you were going to be with us a bit longer- at least five more years. We know you wanted to live. You had so much life in you. So much so, you had the pacemaker surgery done. I really do blame the doctors in Cary for bungling your surgery. And then I blame the VA for not giving you adequate therapy in getting you moving so you would recover. I know it's really not pc to blame people, but I don't care. You and I trusted those doctors, and I don't think they did a good enough job. I can't bring you back, but I would give anything if I could. I am so heartbroken. Sleeping is the only thing that numbs the pain. So why don't I go to bed? It's a catch-22... because I have anxiety about sleeping, but once I'm asleep, I don't want to wake up. I love you so much, Dad- and I miss you infinitely. I love you to the moon and back. I just ordered a tiny pendant says that. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much- and I miss you. I'll write more tomorrow/later today. I'll try to be more positive. It's hard sometimes. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 5, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. I know Labor Day weekend has nothing to do with you being a Veteran. But a day to honor those who work(ed), of course reminds me of you- because you worked your entire life. Even after you retired from the Service and also from your Gov't job, you continued to work as my Dad- and boy, was that a full time job (even as an adult). I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and everything you have done and given me throughout my childhood and adult years. You have instilled in me a work ethic, integrity, kindness, compassion, humor, and most importantly- insight into the world around us. You have always been hypervigilant (sp?) and acutely aware of the world and your environment. You always used to ponder life with me and I loved it. I loved hearing you think out loud and you raised me to always ask questions and not to blindly accept truth (with a capital T). I think, honestly, this is both a gift- and a curse. Because when you question everything- you question everything. I am constantly questioning my decisions, and the way I conducted myself during your illness. I was listening to McCain's funeral service, where Biden gave a very heartfelt eulogy. He commented that one should always remember how a loved one lived- and not how they died. And that there will come a day when mentioning your name will first bring a smile to my face, before it brings tears. I think I've repeated myself, but those two comments really resonated with me. MK isn't the biggest McCain fan (lol), and I didn't get a chance to listen to his entire service. But listening to Biden's eulogy, well- it made me think of- and appreciate you so much. You were such a strong, loving man. You had compassion, and yet you were firm. I honestly have completely forgotten how ill you became at the end and how frail you had become- I mean, I haven't forgotten it, but that's not how I see you- nor will it ever be the way I see you. There is no shame in being ill- but my memories of you are focused on you being well, and full of life and energy. I do lament how I wasn't able to take good enough care of you. I felt like I didn't, anyway. I feel like I could have done so much more- and I could have hired people to give you more PT and other services- especially in the middle of the night, so I wouldn't be so grouchy at 3 in the morning! Every night when I wake up at 3 or 4am to use the restroom, I think about how you used to be up- and how painful it was to get up and do even the most minor thing for you- even a tiny sip of water. Even with over a decade of experience of not sleeping with Koi, it was hard for me to wake up in the middle of the night for you, and I often slept through your calls. I hate myself for doing so. I hope that is not how you remember me. I hope you remember me as someone who thought the world of you- someone who respected you and loved you more than anything in the Universe. I hope you remember me as someone who appreciated all that you sacrificed for your family, and I hope you remember me as someone who understood all that you did- and gave- to both me, MK, Koi, and of course, our Country. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. Where have the days gone? I feel like I have been sleeping this week away. I slept for most of the day again today. Luckily, Koi joined me off and on. I woke up around 9:30pm and made a dash to Longhorn Steakhouse in Apex to get Koi some fries and cheesecake. Let's just say it "did the trick" and no enema was needed πŸ˜‰ MK is enema obsessed and I hate how much she focuses on Koi's bowels. Sorry TMI. Anyhow, it's 3am now, and I am finally ready to go back to bed. I changed the sheets and had to change the blankets in Koi's toy room and had to run a couple rounds of garbage to the dumpster- plus getting Koi's "dinner"- I guess I've been quite busy for it being late at night. It reminds me of the days when Koi would wake up at 3am and all of us would wake up with her. I could always count on you to get up with us. MK would often sleep- because that's just the way she is. But you would always get up with me- and you would go to the bakery as soon as they would open at 7am in order to get her breakfast. You did that for over a decade. You did so much, Dad. To this day, Justin at the bakery, misses you- he knew you long before I met him. We haven't been to the bakery recently- because Koi lost her taste for croissants. I think that's okay, given how fattening they are. Now, I get her a big choco chip cookie- and two kids cookies- for her after school snack. It's better than fries. She no longer eats fries for dinner, either- unless it's the weekend- then she will eat two medium fries- from Chick Fil A. She no longer goes to McD's, either. I think she is making positive changes with her diet. Baby steps, right? Anyhow, sorry for the mindless tangent. I love and miss you so much. I think I am just trying to avoid how I feel lately. It's labor day weekend tomorrow and I am reminded of so much. I'm reminded of my first wedding anniversary- boy, that was a lesson in life. You were always there for me, Dad. You always picked up the pieces of my life when it crumbled. You taught me what unconditional love truly is. I'm a better mom because of the way you were a parent to me. You were my everything, and it's just hell to realize that only now that you are gone. You warned me this would happen and you were spot on. I hope you did know how much you meant to me. I am so sorry for promising you would be okay. I promised I would take care of you- and you would get better. I'm so sorry you didn't. I truly didn't know. The doctors told me you were sick, but I genuinely thought we could manage your chronic conditions despite it all. I play and replay in my mind over and over what I could have done differently. What decisions could I have made different? I know what the doctors could have done differently, but what about me? What should I have demanded of them? I know the answer to some of it, but I still think about it so much. I know it can't bring you back nor can it change anything significant. But I still want to know if I could have done anything differently. It really bothers me. My mistakes really bug me. I love and miss you so much. I think you are the best Dad in the Universe, and I was so lucky to have had you for as long as I did. But I still feel you were robbed of a decade of life- because you gave everything- the ultimate sacrifice- to our Country. I know you didn't have a choice at the time, but you really did make the best of it, and you honored all of your commitments. That's what you have taught me- among so much more- is that you keep your word and honor your commitments. I am so lucky to have had YOU as my Father. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss you terribly. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 2, 2018
Hi, Dad. I've been so tired today. I'm just going to light a candle for you, because it's just a "I'll be back" later when I wake up and write you a note that makes some sense. I ended up going to sleep last night at 7am, waking up at 10am. Koi woke up at 10am, too- she slept for just four hours. So she is asleep now- she's been asleep for almost an hour, and I've been cleaning the bathroom and just sitting here, trying to get the energy to go to bed, if that makes any sense. Weekends- long weekends- are tough, because I think about how much I love and miss you. I would give anything to see you just one more time. Things just aren't the same w/o you. MK and I ate Pho today and it wasn't the same w/o you. I'm not just saying that- but we just don't have as good of a time w/o you, Dad. You always lit up a room with your infectious smile and wicked sense of humor. I love you to the moon and back. And I miss you infinitely. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I'll continue this when I wake up in the morning. I hope I can get at least six hours of rest. I miss you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 2, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's a quarter to 6 in the morning! Koi and I took a "nap" yesterday afternoon, and well- didn't wake up until 2 or 3am. Honestly I can't remember. I got up, and tidied up a bit. I guess MK was laying low, so nothing was done. I had a bunch of trash to dump, laundry to hang, laundry to fold, kitchen to clean up, etc. And then I gave Koi a late night bath/shower (and myself) and here we are- still watching YouTube and lounging around. I guess I should make a genuine attempt to really go back to sleep. I went into your room and it all just hit me again. Every time there is a holiday- even if it's just labor day- I think of you even more. I'm not sure if that makes sense- because I always think of you. But holidays just really bring home how much I miss you and how devastated I am (still) with losing you. I don't think I will ever get over it. I feel like I just didn't have enough time with you. I do keep talking to you, and you are always in my heart (as cheesy as that sounds). And your presence is always with me. I hate how I truly feel that I didn't appreciate you and the significance you made in my life- until you were gone. I hope you knew how much I adored you- and loved you so deeply. I feel like I whined a lot- especially when you got sick. I was so tired, and that was no excuse. I was scared. I don't know. I was so scared of losing you. I didn't want you to know how scared I was. I tried to stay positive- but it wasn't an act. I genuinely believed you would be okay and we would make it. Losing you came as such a shock to me- and us. I didn't even realize you had passed when you did- I thought you fell asleep. I hate myself for making all the mistakes that I did- with your care and with your medical decisions. I was straightening up some paperwork today in your room, and I always think about how much you have done for us. We are able to live in comfort because of you and all that you did and planned for us- MK especially. I know she is appreciative and she does understand the magnitude of what you did for us. She sees it everyday when I tell her all the (little) things I have to do in order to maintain the big things that you did. I love and miss you so much. I was going to write more tonight, but I feel kind of weepy. Like I want to just forget how heartbroken I am right now. So I'm going to watch some YouTube for a little bit and try to get some sleep. Koi was jumping on the bed, and now she just fell asleep- yay! It's 6am, but I am so glad she went back to bed- honestly I didn't think she would. I love you to the moon and back. I wish we were going to the beach, like everyone else, but you also taught me to never be a sheep (like everyone else). So we will relax and enjoy our "staycation" and travel some other time. There is nothing inherent about this weekend that somehow makes it the "last" weekend to go to the beach. If it's warm next week- or the next week- then you can go to the beach, right? Although I don't think Koi wants to go anymore. Sh really enjoyed our beach trip this year, but I am not sure if she wants to go back. Anyhow, I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'll check in with you when we do finally roll out of bed. MK found a newish Vietnamese place that is a bit nicer, cleaner, and has tastier Pho than the one closest to us- and it's not the one off Chapel Hill Rd., either. This one if off Hwy 55 in the newer area of west cary- next to the Whole Foods- across from the new Five Guys location. I am not sure if you knew of this new strip mall, but it was opening a couple of years ago. I love you so much, Dad. I will be sure, if we order takeout, to get myself a Vietnamese coffee (in your honor, of course) πŸ˜‰ I love you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe- always and forever. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
September 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Look, someone sent you flowers again <3 How nice and thoughtful of them. I love it when I look on your page and I see flowers. You are always in our thoughts, excuse the clichΓ© but it's true. I love and miss you so much. Koi's IEP did not happen today. I think her Teacher forgot to invite a Regular Ed teacher to the meeting, and, by law, there has to be a representative from regular ed present (as a witness) at the IEP meeting. For whatever reason, there was no regular ed teacher and therefore we were not able to meet. It was a shame, because the Principal was there, both the SLP and the OT were there (the OT is actually Koi's former OT from Highcroft. Her PT (who wasn't there) was her old PT from Laurel Park. Such a small ASD world, isn't it?) Anyhow, we didn't meet so it's all moot. I got up early for nothing. But on the bright side, I have more time to review Koi's current IEP and study the things I'd like to ask for re. Koi and support and the future of her educational career. So it's all good. I didn't do much today. I swung by the bakery before the meeting and I swung by in the afternoon for some more carbs- toast lol. I need to start eating healthier- or meals at least. I eat snacks, chocolate, cheese, and bites of Koi's leftovers. Normally I'm fine with that, but I also need to eat some hot meals. I just don't know. I keep falling asleep even though it's not even midnight. I better hit the sack. Tomorrow is Friday- yay. I'm so looking forward to the weekend so we can all sleep in. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I would give anything just to hold your hand one last time. I love you so much. And I miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. And I just miss you terribly. I'm going to go to bed so I don't have to feel. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 30, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's almost midnight and Koi is wide awake :/ I guess I am, too. Koi's IEP is tomorrow at 8:15am, though- so I kinda need to hit the sack soon. I've been reviewing her IEP and general "words of advice" types of stuff. Luckily I was able to speak with a (real) lawyer because I went to law school with her. Given she practices in PA, but it was helpful to get a legal perspective (and not an advocate's perspective, since most advocates are Moms like me) and just listen to what my friend has to say about Koi- and getting Koi some more support in the classroom. We'll see how the meeting goes tomorrow. I really don't want to drag this al out, but on the other hand, I want Koi to be challenged at school. The last thing I want is for her to languish in that classroom, only to be rubber stamped outta the public school system when she turns 18. So I am hoping I will find the strength to speak up for her tomorrow. The slippery slope is that I love Koi's teacher- and I don't want to say or do anything that either inadvertently looks bad, or do I want to disrespect her in any way. I don't think I will- but I know the more I ask for data collection and support for Koi, the onus of that support is going to fall on the Teacher's shoulders (although it should not be that way). Anyhow, would you mind praying for us (Koi) tomorrow? I would very much appreciate it, Dad.

I miss you so much. This weekend is Labor Day weekend, which means (technically) fall starts the following week. Well maybe not fall, but I guess summer is supposed to be over magically on Sept. 4th. I have no idea why everyone heads to the beach with the same outfit and the same mentality. I found out that even our neighbors are heading to the beach. Sheep- all of them lol. Baaaaaaaa. You always taught me to think outside of the box and you always taught me to think independently. I can never thank you enough for the perspective you gave (shared) with me. Your Sister may call it negative, but I feel like you were the greatest teacher i ever had. You singlehandedly taught me how to write- and that is with a college education and multiple grad degrees! Who, what, when where, why, how, and who gives a shit, you used to chant. You're the best, Dad. You also taught (or guided) Rick Snyder how to write- or technically write- and he wrote quite a beautiful eulogy to MK, which I ended up reading at your Interment. God, I miss you so much. You are always in my thoughts- every minute of every day. It's hard to go one sometimes. I had my nut doctor appt., but I didn't dwell on my sadness too much. There's nothing he can do about it. I told him I am still depressed, but I don't have to go into details- it's not like he cares, eh? Lol. But he does try to give me useful suggestions on employment opportunities and advice on being more independent. He means well and I like him for that. Anyhow, I am going to hit the sack and please think of me tomorrow when I'm in that classroom/office for Koi's IEP meeting, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 29, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't know where the time went again, but it's 1:30am, Koi is asleep and I'm just doing nothing, surfing the web. I'm going to join Koi because I have to wake up early to get her to school plus I have a nut doctor appointment at 10am. I miss you terribly. Today has been hard. Some days are harder than others and today was hard. I just miss you so much. I'm going to go to sleep to try to get away from the pain that I feel in my heart. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Your presence is missed every minute of every day. I miss you so much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 29, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well it's "only" 12:38am Monday night/Tuesday morning but I am exhausted. Koi is tired/cranky, too. I guess we didn't get enough sleep last night, and we were supposed to go to bed earlier, too. So it goes. Koi wanted to go around the neighborhood over and over again- with me pushing her, of course. I'm so tired and sore from pushing Koi in her (too small) stroller. The wheels are about to fall off of this thing. Luckily, her new stroller is coming soon, so it's not something Koi will need. But I have to admit they are wonderful to have when we are out, like at the State Fair, or some other outing that requires a lot of walking. Koi also had her annual wellness exam today- she is looking good. She's quite tall for her age- almost 5'2" which is the 62 or 64th percentile. She's up there in weight, too- but the doctor isn't worried. She says generally teens tend to gain weight during puberty and then even out by the time they hit 15 or so. She's got a bad dose of genes, but I think she should slim down a bit. At least that's what the doctor thinks. Anyhow, I'm not making much sense- I had to write that sentence three times lol. I'm going to say good night and I will continue this tomorrow, OK? I love and miss you so much. Please don't worry about us. I love you so much, Dad. Am I making any sense? I feel like I am rambling. I promise I will continue this tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 28, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. I keep promising that I'll write you and I keep getting caught in this vicious no-sleep cycle. Even the weekends don't give me any respite. We went to bed at 3:30 last night and we did sleep in until 10am, but I still felt horrible. I thought about you all day but I couldn't put my feelings into words. I just was in your bedroom, and Sunday nights are really bad for me. I think about how much I miss you and all the things I wish I had done differently. I ask you for forgiveness, and I so wish I could have just one more day- even just a minute more- with you. You were right- I really do miss you now that you're gone. I am so lost without you. Time does not heal all wounds, and I never thought I would feel that way. In the past, time really does help, but in this instance, it's quite the opposite. As more time goes by, I just miss you more. I think about all the ways I could have made different decisions and perhaps you would still be here with us, had I made better choices on your care. I guess it's pointless to "coulda shoulda woulda" as you would say, but I still think about it and I still hate myself for making all the wrong decisions. I'll keep you posted on the property tax thing. I hope I filled out the paperwork correctly for MK. You really prepared and did everything for us. You have been preparing and planning for your death since the 70's. I used to think it was a waste of time. But now that the time has come, what a gift, what a gift. You have helped guide us tremendously- to the point that in terms of paperwork, there was no stress. I was able to focus on mourning and trying to mend my broken heart. No such luck right now, though. I am looking forward to seeing you again in less than a month. I hate how we are not closer. i'll be sure to give you dates before we leave so you'll know when we being to make the journey. Your favorite time of the year is approaching- fall. The leaves start to turn different colors, the breeze turns cool, and the flannel shirts are taken out- oh, and WVU football begins πŸ™‚ It's still summer for a bit longer- and maybe more than a bit longer here in NC, but up in VA I can tell the weather is going to cool off quite a bit soon. You are my best friend in the world, and I will miss doing "fall" things with you- like getting pumpkin bread (before it became a trend), and watching movies together (although towards the end, I really didn't go to many movies with you, did I? I so regret that- I was so selfish). I miss watching college football with you, and I miss having a nice fall-inspired meal with you, and even building a fire (on the rare occasion we did back in Burke). Those were the days, weren't they? You would not even recognize Burke right now, because so much has changed. I miss the old Burke. When we visited you last time, MK and I (and Koi) drove down to Burke just to check it out- and we barely recognized the place. It still is Burke, but we sat in so much traffic. Shirlington and D.C. have become hipster places- so annoying. I can't even imagine what Arlington and Alexandria must look like. Pass! Stuff like that makes me want to stay in NC. You are lucky you are in such a lovely spot- you have yourself a piece of beautiful real estate, with a view of the Washington Monument and the Pentagon- and also the (new) Air Force Memorial. You are surrounded by Vietnam and WWII Vets- mostly Army, but they are all of the Colonel equivalents (except for the guy next to you, who was a SP4, I think). But you do have a very lovely spot- and MK, Koi and I can drive right up to you- and you have some beautiful shade under a gorgeous old tree. As painful as it is, I do also look forward to visiting you. I'm going to hit the sack, since it's now 2am (yikes) and I need to get up early tomorrow. This week is busy-ish, with Koi having a check-up appointment, me having a nut doctor appointment, and Koi's IEP as well. It's pretty jam packed for us. I am always keeping you in my heart and trying to live my life honoring your memory. You are my Hero, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you terribly. Sweet dreams, Dear Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 27, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 26, 2018
I'm lighting a yellow candle- MK's favorite color, although she has no idea I still write you. Don't ask why she doesn't think I should keep posting. You know MK. She's nuts. Anyhow, it's 3am and I've spent way too long on the Internets doing nada. Koi is waiting for me to join her in bed, so I will bid thee a good night, and I will write in the morning. I promise! (heh). I love you so much, Dad. I go into your room every night, kiss your picture, and wish the bears good night and kiss the angel as well. It's a ritual I have. It makes me think of you and how suddenly everything happened. I feel like I never had the chance to say good bye. I didn't want to. You were fine one minute and the next minute you weren't. It breaks my heart and makes me so sad. I miss you so much- too much for words to describe. I just want to escape with sleep. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you immensely. You are- and always will be- my everything. I love you. Nighty night, Dear Dawg, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 25, 2018
Hi, Dad. I am literally falling asleep as I sit here and attempt to write you- yet again. I have no idea where the day/week went this week. Maybe going to the beach really tired me out. I don't know. I know I've promised that I would write during the day but then after I drop off Koi, MK keeps me busy doing all sorts of stuff for her. I had to fill out some tax paperwork this afternoon, make a copy of it at UPS and then take it to the post office- and I couldn't get it done before Koi got home, so I had to drag her with me. We did play in the (blow up) pool for hit and that way. I know I say this every night, but since it's Friday I know I will definitely write you tomorrow. Is it a deal? I'm falling asleep while sitting up, so I better lay down. I love you to the moon and back. You are my favorite Dad in the world. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 25, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 24, 2018
Hi again, Dad. It's 1am the next day and I never did write you, did I? Ugh I'm really sorry. MK sure keeps me busy during the day and then once I pick up Koi from school, she sure keeps me busy from then on (until now- and even now she's waiting for me). I picked a lot of weeds today after I picked up Koi from school. She was playing in the water in the front of the house, so I thought I'd pick some weeds. Our house has been invaded by weeds. I think the Mountain family that lived next to us a few years back never sprayed for weeds and now the weeds from their house have crossed over into our lawn and just infested most of the front lawn. Sigh. The new owners are more type A than Flanders- and I see Mrs. Muscles picking weeds all day, every day (or maybe she just goes outside when I go outside- who knows). It's such a thankless job, but I still do it. It gives me great satisfaction to pick weeds. Anyhow, I will find other ways to earn my keep, especially as the weather cools down. MK and I have been going to the Lotte often, picking up her mochis and other Klingon krap πŸ˜‰ We also order Thai food a lot. There is a Thai place across the street from the bakery and I order from there. It's pretty okay πŸ™‚ Anyhow, Koi is snoring, I think, so I better get her "jamas" on before she full-on starts into a deep sleep. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and I promise I will write something meaningful- not this half-hearted, half-assed attempt at communication. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday, too- that is, if Koi lets me πŸ™‚ I miss you so much, Dad. I am doing okay with MK and Koi but it's you who really led our family. I miss you to pieces. I told MK today I miss how you made us all laugh. MK loved your sense of humor- she always tells me this. She also told me how talented you are at driving, storytelling, being spur of the moment- living in the moment and truly enjoying life. I wish so much you were still here. I know you wanted to be. You weren't ready to go and we weren't ready to let you go. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you each and every day. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 23, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's 12:30 once again and I am falling asleep. I can barely keep my eyes open, because Koi's evening routine is a combination of 1) taking a long time and 2) certain factors being uncontrollable- i.e. mother nature. Any how, we got through it so oh well. Anyhow I love and miss you to pieces. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about you. I'm still having a terribly difficult time with it all, despite what people tell me about "the first year being the hardest." I just don't see how the grief and heartache just magically disappear after a year. I can't see it ever going away. I'm trying to write but I'm not making any sense- and I keep falling asleep sitting up. So, like I do every night, I promise to write you tomorrow morning and I will bid thee a good night and love you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you terribly. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 23, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 22, 2018
p.s. sorry for the poor picture quality- too many filters and strange lighting today <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 22, 2018
I just wanted to show you how big I am getting, Grandpa! Koi misses you so much, as do me and MK. Today wasn't the same w/o you. I know you haven't gone with us in awhile (to the beach) but our original trips were always trail blazed by you. Remember the time we took a road trip and we just ended up at Rehoboth? I miss those days so much. I would give anything to have them back. You were my best friend and the best Dad in the Universe. I am falling asleep b/c I've been up since 2:30 so I'm sorry if this is so fragmented and not making sense. Every night I promise to write you the next day and then that day escapes me- usually doing nothing- and I keep prolonging the promises but not delivering. I promise I will write more coherently tomorrow. I'm just so tired right now. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are mu guardian angel and the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you terribly. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 22, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 22, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well we made it today. It was a long day, I tell ya. I woke up at 2:30am and the day started. We left the house... oh maybe around 4 or 4:30- I can't remember to be honest. We got to the beach around 6:45 and I was afraid we wouldn't get parking, but by the grace of God, we did. Thanks for looking out for us, Dad. We got a handicapped spot- we snagged spot #2 (both were open and because of the time you took spot #1 and your car got banged by the SH bus- remember that? Lol. Good times. I miss you so much. Going to the beach is never the same w/o you. I told MK it's not the same w/o you, and MK agreed. She said "I miss him." It always takes me aback to hear kind words coming out of her mouth lol. But I know she truly means it. We both miss you so much, Dad. Our family is just not the same w/o our ring leader, and it never will be. You really guided us through everything. And you still do.
I started writing this post, Koi got out of the tub, and now I've completely forgotten what I was going to say. It must not have been important, eh? I do want to post a picture of Koi today on your wall, if that is okay with you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Love, G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 21, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 21, 2018
We are off. Wish us luck and I will write you when we wake up. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Today is in your honor. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 20, 2018
Hi, Dad. Guess what? Well, I didn't write, like I promised you (big surprise), but guess what again? It's thundering and raining. You would love it. I do. It's so nice and calming. It was so humid today, so this rain is such a nice respite. I need to lay down, as it's 11:!5 and I have to wake up between 2:30 and 3am. I'm going to attempt to drive to the beach in the middle of the night so I can get a parking space for tomorrow's Surfer's Healing for Koi. Wish us all luck, ok? I don't have a good memory because last year I left you at the VA Hospital while I took Koi surfing. The guilt still eats me up inside. If I had known SH had a military family day, I would have taken Koi to that one, and then I could have spent the day with you. I would have arranged a wheelchair and we would have put on our solar eclipse sunglasses, gone outside, and watched the solar eclipse. Maybe you would have hated it. You were short of breath and when you sat up, you often felt very dizzy. But I would have tried. And if it didn't work out, it would have been okay, since I tried. But I didn't even try. I left you alone with the sunglasses, asking the nurses to open up your windows so you could view the eclipse. I'm sure the didn't. Sigh. I have to much guilt from that. And that was exactly a year ago. Sometimes the guilt is just too much, you know? But I'm going to take Koi again, since oh I don't know. She doesn't even seem like she wants to go. But we'll go. Speaking of- let me lay down, and I will write when I wake up, ok? I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 20, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 20, 2018
Another night of thunderstorms, and I can't help but think of you. You would be outside in the garage, watching the rain fall down, enjoying the quiet- the wetness and the grass getting some much needed water. You loved the rain. You taught me to love it, too. And now, I always think of you when it rains. It's quite the thunderstorm tonight. I miss you so much. Tomorrow Koi has school, but on Tuesday I had planned on taking her to SH. She keeps saying "no beach" and I'm not sure what that is about. But if she keeps saying it, there will be a huge blowout between me and MK so let's just hope she stops scripting it. I miss you, Dad. I wish so much you were here. You were so right about me missing you. It's so painful, Dad. I'm sorry for all the times I blew you off. I would give anything to have those moments back again. I hope you can forgive me for being so wrapped up with myself. I have to put Koi to bed- she has school tomorrow and it's 2am. Where did the time go? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I'm going to put Koi to sleep but I promise I will write tomorrow (well, later today). I did clean Koi's room today, and I finally cleaned your bathroom. I just didn't think about it. I wiped the floors, the shower, the sink, the toilet. I have been keeping the sink and toilet clean, but I have never wiped the floor since you left. I felt like it was somehow wiping away your memory. But it was looking so gross, because MK hangs clothes in your shower room. The clothes drop lint and so lint was everywhere. I can't believe I did it w/o crying, but I did. I also wiped all the tupperwares in Koi's room (and the floor), organized all of Koi's "stuff" animals (in my room), and also cleaned my bathroom. I also cut Koi's and my toenails (yes that is a task), painted our toes, and I also touched up Koi's roots (and mine). I think I got a lot done today, even though it doesn't sound like munch. Gosh, I miss you, Dad. I would give anything for you to be here so we could enjoy the rain together. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Until I write again tomorrow (or later today, rather). I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you infinitely. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 20, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 18, 2018
Hi, Dad. Oh you'd love the sound of the thunderstorm that is going on right now. You loved the rain, and you loved a good storm. I can't help but think of you every time it rains. I miss you, Dad. Sorry I have been such a slacker of late in writing you. I have no excuses. Actually, I have a few. Koi and I stayed up until 3:30am last night and then she was wide awake this morning at 8:30ish. Can you believe it? I was walking around today like a zombie. I had a lot of returns to contend with, too. I know, that's not a real excuse. I'm just trying to figure out what shorts to keep and what rings to keep. I know, stupid excuses. Plus, I've been on Amazon all day and night trying to find a good deal on jewelry, since I am broke. I know, it's a waste of time. But Koi has been happy this weekend to relax at home, thank God, She usually wants to go to Jump Street! Or even better- the State Fair lol. It's okay and I am more than happy to make it a tradition. Anyhow, I am so missing you and so not the same without you. I keep replaying your last few moments over and over, and the emotions are unbearable. I don't know if it's PTSD or just an unbearable image. I don't block it, nor do I want to repress or forget it. I wish so much I had held you, but I am thankful MK did. I miss you so much. Life isn't the same without you as a part of it. You wanted to stay and I hate how your body gave out. You fought so valiantly, too. I hate the doctor who gave you a shoddy pacemaker. I fault him for not adjusting your meds and causing the stroke and I fault the VA for not giving you adequate therapy to get you mobile again. You succumbed to your non-mobility because they wouldn't work with you and give you PT. I have so much anger and I will never forgive them. I know it's not very Christian of me, but I cannot let it go without first honoring your memory. How I am going to do that is still up in the air. I don't know. I'm so tired, I'm going to try to just block out all the pain tonight and lay down. Tomorrow is another day where I only exist. It'll be Sunday. Koi goes to school on Monday and Tuesday I'll take her to Surfer's Healing. I realized that if I had known about military day, I could have taken Koi to that day's event last year, and I could have been at the VA for you and taken you outside to view the solar eclipse. I still hate myself for that. I know you were such a man of science and you loved astronomy, the stars, and all things having to do with the Universe. I wish so much I would have grabbed a wheelchair and taken you outside that day with your sunglasses. I think you would have loved it. Instead, I was stuck at the beach, trying to get home, and we were blinded by the sun, unable to do anything except just sit there, with sunglasses on, waiting for it to pass so we could go home. At least I made it to the hospital that evening and I was able to stay the night with you. But I regret so much not being with you that night. Anyhow, I don't mean to dwell on all the negative things, but hey- that's how I am, I guess. I love you to the moon and back. I'll look for you somewhere out there- in the ethers. Your spirit, any reminders- anything. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made. I think about them and replay them all day, every day. I love you to the moon and back,Dad. I love you so very much, and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could have one more minute with you. I love you infinitely. And I promise to write tomorrow afternoon. I won't be caught up in all the Amazon returns I had (today) lol. I love you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 18, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 18, 2018
It's Friday night, but I didn't get a chance to write. I will write when I wake up, ok? It's 3:30am and I must get Koi to sleep. I can't believe she's still up :O I love you to the moon and back. xoxo Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 17, 2018
Hi, Dad. I just read the first sentence of my post last night "your family" and I realized that it's not just your family- it's my family, too. We are family. I'm so stupid sometimes. Aunt Nance wrote me back and I don't want to say she apologized, but she did explain herself. I thought she felt like she didn't have a brother b/c of the way you treated her. But no- it was because of your "almost four" year age difference, you going off to college and then joining the Air Force and being overseas for years and years. That's the reason she gave me... so. Whatever. I wrote her back and she wrote me back, yada yada, etc. I have to write her back now. She is grateful for the last few years of your relationship with her- how you looked out for her and emailed her everyday. I know you felt worried for her. And when you were sick, you called out for her. That I know- you always did love her very much. I feel very protective of you- so when people say things about you, I sometimes jump to conclusions and become very defensive. Gee I wonder who I take after. Speaking of- the reason why I haven't written today is because of her- MK. She was hell bent on going to H Mart today, so I took her. And I paid for all of her crap food, and then she ate too much and felt sick. Then I took her to the Durham TJ Maxx and I actually found four shirts (yay) and a gold necklace that was on double sale- score. She found a couple of shirts, but one of them got ink on it. I think the cashier took the sensor off too roughly and the sensor spilled ink all over her shirt- so we had to turn around and return it. Same with H Mart- she picked a bag of mecans where one was smashed and rotting, so we had to turn around and return that. So I've been grouchy all day. The way she is just has really bugged me today. I don't know why I have such a bug up my butt lately. I think I'm frustrated with Koi's schooling/education. She has a good teacher and she's at a good school, but the higher up's are what's bugging me. I was hopeful she would get more support in the near future but an admin called me to say she was doing "just fine" with status quo. Of course. I'm debating whether I should fight it. I have other business to attend to. So we'll see. But I'm not done pursuing it. I'm not just going to give up- although they are so good at manipulating you. They are masters at not spending money on your child and not giving them any support. So that's fine- let's talk about mainstreaming Koi, if she's doing so well, right? They love to talk out of both ends, whatever is easiest for them. I'm just getting sick of it- after ten years of Koi being in the public school system, I really just want to walk away. But I won't, because that would mean giving up. But I digress. So maybe that's why I've been a bit down lately. Nancy seems to think I'm depressed b/c I won't get rid of your hospital bed. Lol she is full of it sometimes. Some people get rid of all traces of their loved one within 24 hours, and other people hold onto memories. I'm the latter. I want to be reminded of you- I don't want to forget. I'm not going to purge everything you own. I'm going to cherish everything. I'll never get rid of anything. But I may, some day, donate the hospital bed, wheelchair, and hoyer lift. But that's about it. The rest I am keeping forever and ever. It's not like you had a lot. I'll always cherish everything that was yours. I'm so grateful to have a few momentos. Anyhow, I'm going to hit the sack since it's quite late- 1:30, but I promise I will write tomorrow. Heh- I promise πŸ™‚ I love you so much, Dad. I miss you and it's still so fresh and painful. It's unbearable- especially at night. I just want to sleep it away. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the universe. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 15, 2018
Hi, Dad. Your family continues to try me. I heard from Aunt Nance yesterday and I wrote her back tonight. She replies to me and it just really upset me. She knows how to make me feel like crap w/o even trying. She commented on how she never felt like she had a brother until the last few years of your life. It was nice, she says, to actually feel like she had a brother. She is clueless. And if you were here, you would tell me that she is self-absorbed and incapable of seeing anyone else's perspective other than her own. And you would be correct. I also made the mistake of mentioning that I still have your hospital bed and wheelchair in our possession. Unlike when Ian died and they got rid of everything that was tinged with his ownership within a 24 hour period, I make other choices. I choose to hold onto everything that was yours. I wish she would respect the fact that not everyone thinks like her- and that's okay. She really lacks respect sometimes. And it pisses me off. I'm sure I could be less rude, but I wouldn't be my Father's daughter unless I was an asshole, right? So I wrote her back and I wasn't very nice. As she would say "such is life!" She always brushes really upsetting things with that comment. Talk about minimizing everything. Some people deal with things like me- I dwell on everything and cry and am depressed. And other choose to forget their pain and move on. That's what she does, and good for her. I'm not that way and I don't think I need to change. I don't expect anyone to take away my sorrow except for me. And I don't want to. Let me grieve in f'ing peace.
So I'm just going to go to bed. I'm sorry that my mood translates into a crappy post on your wall. I will make it up to you tomorrow and write something of semi- value and positivity. I miss you so much, Dad. I saw the firefighters who used to come to our home last year to help us. They asked about Mom and gave everyone their best. They asked if you were a General. I corrected them- just a Colonel, right? πŸ˜‰ I love you to the moon and back, Dad. MK says we are "lucky" (gee thanks) as Arlington Cemetery is going to be quite busy now as 8,000 unknown soldiers are going to be sent back to the US from N Korea... dating back to the Korean War. Arlington will be busy conducting DNA tests to locate family members and Lord knows how long you would have had to wait for a spot if you had perished this year. Hey, Mom- way to look on the bright side! Not. I miss you so much, and I would give anything for another minute with you. I would tell you how much I love you and how much you have always meant to me. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3 p.s. Have I told you lately that I think you are the best Dad in the Universe? Well, you are <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 15, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm so beat. I'll just write you a quick note, and I'll check in again tomorrow, ok? I went to my version of a spa today- got my nose pierced a second time so I have a double piercing. I know you would hate it. I also got another tattoo- just a small one on my hand. You would hate that, too. But it was nice for me to do some stuff that I truly enjoy, apart from being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom more than anything. But sometimes it's just nice to be by yourself and do a few things on your own- that you enjoy. I know you get that. I was watching a special on RV's and how these "snow bunnies" or whatever they are called (old folks) travel the world in their RV's and it really breaks my heart that you and MK never were able to do that. You were always too busy taking care of me and helping me get back on my feet when I made bad decisions. I always used to joke that you were going to live forever. I wish so much I never said those things to you. I wish I didn't blow you off like that. A part of me just didn't want to talk about you ever leaving me and another part was in denial. I'm sorry. I feel like crap about it. I miss you so much. I would give anything to have another minute with you. I would tell you how much I love you and how important of a person you are to me. I need you in my life, and you'll always be a huge part of my life. Speaking of- Aunt Nancy wrote/emailed me today. I didn't get a chance to respond- but I will tomorrow morning. Koi is jumping on the bed, so I better attend to her before she gets up. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you more than anything. I'll write tomorrow, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3 p.s. you are the best Dad in the Universe <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 14, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well- another day is over. Koi fell asleep on her own in her bed (yay) but she has got no pj's on, so that's going to be fun (dressing her while she's asleep). I've been farting around, as you would say, on the computer, doing nothing. I took MK to the DMV today to get her a handicap placard. I know she doesn't need one because we just use your license plate. But I thought it best if she had one of her own, in the case we have to turn in your veteran plate. Koi has her own placard, too, but it expires next month. I intend to renew hers (you basically have to apply all over again), but there is always a chance her pediatrician will not do the paperwork (although I don't see why not). You're not supposed to share placards, even though one woman at the DMV told me to years ago- so anyhow blah blah blah- MK has her own placard. Then we went to Marshall's and then up to Wake Forest for some onion rings. We found a Sonic drive-thru up there on our way back from seeing you at Arlington, so we stopped in. We were craving onion rings, so we made the drive up there for those onion rings. Burp. πŸ™‚ We also stopped into TJ Maxx but we didn't find much- just a few shirts. We also stopped into TJ Maxx in Knightdale, and so I am pretty shopped out. LOL. I spent the afternoon in the water with Koi. Not at the pool, but in our blow up pool in front of our house. She keeps saying "no water the yard" and yet she wants to jump in the pool in front of our house. Go figure. I'm not sure what we're gonna do tomorrow- she keeps saying "no water the yard" so I don't know what else we're going to do. Our lovely neighbors are having yet another roof (shingles) put on. The roofers seem nice enough- our neighbors are out of town, so they're not even here to oversee the work. They are so strange. I don't get people, Dad. I loved that's what I had in common with you. I loved how we used to laugh at people and mock them- and life in general. Those days are gone and I miss them so. You made me laugh like no other person in the world can. Your sharp wit- even after your stroke, you still had a wicked, quick sense of humor. It was a miracle, really. I don't know how you stayed so funny and sharp given what you had been through. You are such a fighter, Dad. You fought so hard to stay with us. The thought that you are no longer here is unbearable, and I must say good night right now or else I'm going to break down. I can't think about it too much or else I will sink deeper and deeper into oblivion. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I just love and miss you so. I'll write in the morning, ok? I love you so very much. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 13, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. I can hear the thunder outside, so I thought I would post some sunshine in the hopes that the storm passes by tomorrow. Today was a decent day. We did nothing and I have no guilt from it. Koi and I just hung around at home, but I cuddled with her, and we watched our respective devices together. It was fun. Then, we went to Longhorn Steakhouse in Apex for some fries (her) and steak (me and MK). For once, me and MK actually got our own steaks. It was her idea. I didn't really need my own steak, but whatever. It was decent. Then, I went home with Koi (thank God she didn't ask to go to Jump Street), and I walked her around the block numerous times in her stroller. I can't wait until we get her new stroller. It'll be two or three months, assuming her pediatrician fills out the paperwork with no issues. I went into your room to talk to you, and for once, I didn't cry. I think it's because I left quickly. If I stay too long (at night- especially on the weekends), I burst into tears. I just miss you so much, and your room is just how you left it. I organized your mail, but it's still in piles. It's not because of laziness. I want your room to be yours forever. I want it to always remind me of you. What is the point of cleaning it out? I never understood why people cleaned out rooms. Why did you go back to Memphis and clean our your Dad's stuff with Nancy? I guess it's a part of healing? I know you told me you were looking at your Dad's shoelaces and burst into tears because you were so sad at what little he had. Honestly, I think it's a gift not to leave your kids to clean up a lot of junk. What he did was really a beautiful thing. He didn't accumulate a bunch of junk. Nancy says she is starting to throw out stuff in her house so Kim won't have a ton to clean out when she passes. I guess MK isn't hampered by that πŸ˜‰ She is pack-ratting business as usual. She buys TJ Maxx shirts every day and her room/closet is about to implode from within. Her closet also has your clothes in it, but I have instructed her never to touch your things, yet alone throw them away. She is a little obsessed about clearing out your hospital bed, wheelchair, and hoyer lift. I told her that Koi's stroller rep agreed to help us get rid of the equipment, but MK said "no way" because she doesn't want her in the house. That's fine by me, but she expects me to pift everything and take it to the dump? Nope. Your stuff is going to stay forever then. Screw her. She has no idea it is for me to even agree to get rid of those things. And those things, I believe, did not represent your life. The last eight months did not represent who you were, Dad. So I am not as attached to those things, although I am attached to the hospital bed, which still has your imprint in the bed. I think Koi sat on the bed once, but you were really the last person- the one and only- person to lay in it. I am my Father's daughter- sentimental. I am attached, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. You downsized and got rid of 99% of your stuff. You have a few tupperware containers of important papers, plus some very nice sentimental items- photos, letters, etc. I will never get rid of those. One day, when I am strong enough, I will get the audio tapes and film reel converted to CD rom. But I can't right now. I am not strong enough. It is still so painful to think about you. I don't want to "get over" you, so I am not going to. In the following weeks ahead, Koi will go to "military day" Surfer's Healing (yep they added that, and it's for active and retired families- can you imagine? I thought it was only for active duty families). Anyhow, it only reminds me of how I left you at the hospital while I took Koi to the beach that day last year. I should have been at home with you, but instead I was at the beach with Koi, and we saw the solar eclipse. I should have been at home with YOU, enjoying that eclipse, as YOU are the only one who I know who would truly appreciate what that was. Maybe the old you. The sicker you really was kind, gentle, but didn't give a sh** about stuff like that lol. I loved both of you. I know you knew who I was, even though you sometimes struggled and called me Nancy. When I asked you if you knew me, you always replied with conviction. I hate how the words sometimes escaped you, as you were never a man who was at a loss for words. I hate how you struggled for breath and I hate how you panicked and I wasn't able to reassure you. I failed you at so many levels, and I can't stop thinking about them. I love you so much, Dad. I'm coming to see you again the weekend of your birthday, ok? I'll also be coming the weekend that you passed, barring any unforeseen crisis over here- I'm assuming there won't be. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you every day. A couple of nurses told me that they read the notes I used to write you- to you- and it always made you smile. I hope they aren't lying to me, and I hope it's true. I love you so much, Dad. I think about you every minute of every day. You were the best Dad in the Universe- you were- and you are and always will be. I'm going to lay down with Koi but I wanted you to know that just because I don't write a lot every day, it doesn't mean I don't think about you a lot. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 13, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 12, 2018
It's Sunday afternoon. I just couldn't wake up this morning. Koi was up before 8am- probably closer to 7, which is good. Not me- I woke up at 10am, and I could hear MK asking Koi "where is your mommy?" Lol. Lazy me. I have only managed to go to WalMart for drinks, change the bedding, and that's about it. I'm sleepy, as I usually get around 3pm (it's 3:20pm right now). I don't know what to do with Koi today. I would like to take it easy, but I am not sure what she will ask to do- I hope we can just go out for steakhouse fries, since Chick Fil A is closed today. I hope she doesn't ask for "Jump Street" but if she does, I hope she asks for it soon. I hate it when she asks to go at 6pm- they close at 7 or 8 on Sundays, I think πŸ™ She doesn't like being pressured to leave when they are closing up- it really upsets her. Speaking of upsetting Koi, her teachers now want her going through the side door from here on out. She used to walk through the side door, but she noticed the "normal" kids all get to walk through the front door/where the buses let them off. Well this year the class is understaffed, and therefore, not enough staff are there to assist her in walking to class on her own, but with a shadow. I told them I would let her walk herself, but they won't allow it. It's like the worst of both worlds- the County says she's independent enough to not need a 1:1 and yet she can't do anything a normal kid can do. So she is stuck going through the back doors in life and basically having her rights stripped all in the name of "safety" but at the same time, will not qualify for 1:1 assistance. I can be completely honest here, but I don't dare say any of this stuff publicly. Teachers take it personally, but you know me, it's not meant to attack teachers. I'm upset with the county, the legislators, our government, and leadership- who all think special ed doesn't need as much funding as it really and truly does. You get it- you always did. What should I do? A wise man once told me "you can't fight city hall." Or can you? I'm not done fighting, but I know how it's going to end. But on a brighter note, I met with a DME rep (Sarah) and she is doing all the paperwork with Medicaid so that Koi will (should) get a new stroller). She outgrew her old one, even though we stlll use it- almost every night when we walk around the block. It should take 2-3 months, so I am really looking forward to getting that. I'm so sleepy. I miss you, Dad. Sundays are a day when I think about how much I miss you. I think about how sad my life is without you in it. It's just not the same nor will it ever be. I wish I had said these things to you when you were alive. I was too proud to tell you how much you meant to me. I would roll my eyes when you talked about death. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I wanted to focus on positive things- even being in denial. I wanted you to live forever. I'm so sorry I didn't make better decisions for you. I think about that every day. You believed in me and I let you down. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that. I love you to the moon and back. I will write again later today. I'm sorry I've been slacking so much. I get so depressed at night and then I just try to keep busy by watching documentaries. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 12, 2018
I don't know what happened to the day and now it's 1:30 in the morning (next day) and Koi is snoring, so I don't want to type too loudly. She woke up super early this am and got us all up lol. We didn't do much today but we did take her to Jump Street and for fries- walked around the block, saw a frog, and that's about it. Candle is still burning, right Dad? I love you so much- and I'll write tomorrow. I keep my mind busy with documentaries on YouTube because I don't want to feel pain or the hurt of not having you in our lives. I watch mindlessly all day, everyday- in the hopes I can just forget how painful life is without you. I promise to do better tomorrow and actually write you, deal with my feelings and reality, and convey my thoughts to you, coherently. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I watch a lot of docs about Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam. I am in awe of your life and everything you accomplished. <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 10, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm just lighting a candle until tomorrow when I can write more, ok? I am falling asleep sitting up- I don't know why. Koi is out of the tub and snoring away in bed. I'm trying to write, but I keep dozing off. I love you so much, Dad. You are our catalyst for everything. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write in the morning, ok? It's the weekend, so I will have plenty of time. I love you so much and I miss you infinitely... Love, Jen <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 10, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 9, 2018
Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. I was in your room just now, and I was thinking about March 6th, 2017. One minute you were fine, and the next you were not. It's so hard to cope with that sometimes. You fought for so many months to get well. You asked me to take you to the ER and why did I not? Why did I wait? I thought you were okay. You seemed fine, right? Why did I wait. I didn't want to take you to the ER and then have to leave to pick up Koi- and then drop her off and come back. I wanted to pick her up, take her home, and then focus on taking you and staying with you while MK watched Koi. That's a shit reason, isn't it? I think because you were at the ER that Friday and came home Saturday- I thought you were okay- more of the same. But on Monday, you were really sick. And I didn't realize it. Could they have stopped the bleeding? They could have reversed the blood thinners sooner, I know that. I have to live with these decisions and sometimes it's just unbearable. On November 4th, you asked me if someone was coming and I said "yes," but I hadn't yet called 911. I wanted to give you your breathing treatment first and then take your oxygen saturation. If only I called right away, could they have saved you? Your cardiologist thinks even if they saved you, you would have been on life support. Again, we will never know. Maybe you would have been fine. You could have lived another month. Or more. Sometimes I just can't stand the decisions I made. They were all wrong. I just want to be put out of my misery sometimes. I miss you so much. I would give anything to see you one more time. I'm going to lay down next to Koi because I am so upset tonight for some reason. I was going to tell you about my day, but I can't. There's not much to tell. I took apart our bed frames and took them to the dump. I met with the woman who is going to get Koi a new stroller. I'm taking MK to the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to have her doctor fill out paperwork for a handicap placard, since she literally cannot walk anymore without assistance. We are still using your plate, but once it expires, I don't want to be in a situation where she doesn't have a placard. Koi has one but I think it expires this year. I don't know if I'm going to renew it. She still runs out into the street. We'll see. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you- I miss my best friend. I miss my confidant. I miss my buddy and I sure miss laughing at life with you. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I miss you so much. Love you infinitely, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 9, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 8, 2018
Hi, Dad. I thought I'd send you a different virtual "gift" tonight- a lovely "non-Catholic" Cross, they call it. I am still looking for a cross necklace- I haven't found anything I like yet. Aunt Nancy bought me a really beautiful silver necklace that says "I love you to the moon and back." I have it hanging up in my room next to the beautiful ornament she gave me. It's a beautiful silver picture frame with your obit picture- the original from the Wheeling Intelligencer- in it. I don't know how many copies she bought, but I thought it was really kind to send us an original. I posted your obit in the Wheeling Intelligencer, just like you instructed. I also posted your obit, with picture, in the Washington Post. I won't even tell you how much it cost- but the WaPo also sent a lovely copy of the obit- it's, like, a frameable picture of you with the obit, wrapped in cellophane. I should frame it. Right now, it is resting against our lamp that sits on top of the tonsu. I have so many pictures of you on the tonsu now. I took some old pictures of you from Vietnam and put them in a (poorly done) collage and framed them for you- when you were still with us. Your nurse, Colleen, told us that your long term memory was as sharp as a tack and I should put up old pictures and talk about old times because they were familiar to you. I tried, but I didn't do a good enough job. I failed on so many levels. But I won't take tonight to just be self-indulgent with the guilt and blame. I'm a black belt at that, right? Did I tell you I went to therapy this week? It sucked. I guess I need to find yet another therapist. Why do I not like everyone I meet? Sigh. MK has a doc appt. this week- I think it's a follow up from prior re. her blood pressure medicine. She can barely walk these days. I have to drive her right up to the door of any place we go. She doesn't even like to shop anymore- she often waits in the car while I go in. Same goes for grocery shopping. She doesn't really do any shopping anymore. And now her thumb can't move at all- her right thumb, so she can't open up Koi's bottle drinks anymore. Anyhow, she's alive, so I'm not complaining and neither is she. But I think I am going to give her an application for a handicap placard to take with her when she sees her doc. I mean, she can't walk. I think she should qualify for a placard. I don't think I am going to renew Koi's though. Although it is much easier if we have one for Koi (since she does tend to run into the street), I don't think it's absolutely necessary, as long as I hold her hand tightly. But MK- I think she definitely needs one.
I don't know whatever you did re. the VA and the claims and paperwork you filed beforehand. But you made sure MK was taken care of- and all I had to do was apply for the programs you specified in your survivorship document and now she got it. She, or you rather, qualified for everything. I think there are other things she qualified for that you didn't even anticipate, too. It just makes us so utterly grateful that you were you. And I hate myself for ever acting annoyed or impatient with you. I would give anything to hear your voice once more. And to think when you were alive, I was so impatient with your stories and I used to cut you off with a "yeah yeah." You even told me I would miss you when you were gone. You have no idea. It's so painful, Dad. I miss you so much. Words cannot express how much pain I am in every day because I do not have a clear conscience when it comes to how "good" of a daughter I was to you. I could have been so much better. I could have made better decisions. Medical, personal, therapy-related. Everything. I could have spent more quality time with you (I know you despise that word, but I don't know how else to describe it). I'm so sorry, Dad. I hope you will one day forgive me. I miss you so much. I would give anything just to touch you once more- just to hear your voice or hear you crack a joke/wiseass comment one more time. MK and I went to eat Pho today and I had a Vietnamese coffee in your honor. I couldn't finish it, but it's in the fridge and I will have it tomorrow morning, once more, in your honor. You are a remarkable person. I love you to the moon and back. And I will miss you infinitely. It's so very painful. Can you hear me? I love and miss you, Dad. Love youse so much. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 8, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. We got something in the mail today from the VA. Did you know about it? I don't quite understand it, but they processed the claim I filed back in November. This is in addition to the DIC stuff. I don't think the survivorship document you left for me mentions any of this, but I don't need to tell you what it says, right? You have always worried about MK and always were concerned about taking care of her after you were gone. I know this, because you talked about it a lot. Talking and planning for your passing is amazing if you ask me. Most people don't plan. They don't do anything in preparation of their old age. You and I- we just didn't see a stroke coming, did we? We both thought it would be MK who would suffer a stroke- not you. We both thought your final days would be spent as you. I mean, you were still you- and thank God, you didn't lose your personality. But I know you lost some skills- and you didn't want to tell me. I knew some of it, but I didn't want to dwell on things. I was so hyperfocused on getting you healthy again- I didn't focus on the "gee- he just taught himself how to text me again" which was amazing. I told MK how you taught yourself how to use the phone and text w/o any help. You were so very sick, honestly I didn't think it was important. But it was really important, because you were then able to contact me- when you were in the hospital. You were okay during your first stay, but the second (two week) stay was horrible, wasn't it? You were put on a different floor, different ward, and everyone was shit. You called me, and the best I could do was, well- not much. At least you were able to come home that Friday instead of being stuck for another weekend, right? But yeah- that was a horrible stay and I didn't even see the point of it. I wanted you home and I wanted you to start eating and get stronger so we could start therapy- physical therapy. The VA did nothing for you in trying to get you mobile again. It broke my heart and enraged me. I thought you were going to live at least another five years. You always taught me to be pragmatic, and that's what I thought. I knew you were sick, but I also knew you wanted to live more than anything. I hate how your body just gave out, because you fought so hard for eight long months. You endured so much. I saw how you contracted infection after infection at the hospital. I saw how sick you got- how you almost died that one time your bp dropped in the early morning. I remember getting that call and racing to the ICU going 90 mph on the Durham Freeway. I expected not to see you at the ICU, but not only did I get to see you, you were giving them hell. You didn't like pic lines or any IV's for that matter. You always pulled them out, and they often had to restrain you, which, looking back, was extremely unethical. Why didn't I say anything? How could I have let them tie you up? That's what a sitter is for. To make sure you didn't pull out lines. I guess that's the one thing about your second stay- you had a sitter on the 6th floor (and it wasn't me). MK forbade me to spend the night during your second stay. It sucked, but we knew you were coming home asap, unlike the first time when we didn't know you were coming home. But again, looking back, I wish I had spent the nights now. Oh- my Shrink appointment. It sucked. Did I tell you? She is a smart woman, but I just didn't feel much of a connection with her. She was kind, too. But I don't think she can help me. MK was livid she had to wait 90 minutes lol. She said to me, "you can't be cured so why are you wasting your time." Lol. figures. But therapy is a mandatory part of my recovery meds, ya know. They require it. But I have to tell Patkar I cannot return to the therapist and I pray he doesn't boot me from his program. I don't think he will, knock on wood. Anyhow, I am tired as all heck. And I am rambling. And to top things off, Koi's "time" of the month is over, but now she has a horrible cold. If it isn't one thing, it's the other. So I want to get into bed to keep her i n bed. She keeps sitting up and soon she will start jumping on the bed, and eventually she will get up out of bed and run down the hall. Don't want that! So I will join her, and I will write you again in the morning, if that is okay. I love you so much, Dad. I think about you day and night and having received that letter from the VA today again reminds me how vigilant you were/are and how devoted you were/are to MK and your family. Even MK said "he always took care of me and now I can live my life w/o having to worry about things thanks to his preparation." I know- what a thing to hear, coming from MK- because you know she does not hand out compliments freely. I think that is why any time I want to visit you at Arlington, she is always on board with it. I don't want to take that for granted, but she knows how important that is to me (so I guess I better not screw it up). Anyhow, I love and miss you so very much, Dawg. I am always in awe of how much you did for our family, and how you continue to care for us even when you are not here. You are always with us, Dad. MK even reminded me today when I was crying "he is always with us." I hope so, Dad. Because I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dad- the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 7, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Hi, Dad. Gosh it's "early"- 11:11pm. Koi is in bed, but I bet we won't actually go to sleep until midnight. We seem to be programmed for midnight no matter what. I'm eating Frosted Flakes, and of course, I'm thinking of you. You introduced me to the best cereals in the world, and I still eat them all: Raisin Bran, Frosted Mini Wheats, Cocoa Puffs, and Frosted Flakes. I miss you so much, Dad. I met my new Shrink today and I didn't care for her too much. I don't think I'm going back. It was an intake session, so it took 90 minutes. MK went with me and she was livid when I came out. I later found out she was starving (of course) and as soon as I got her some lunch, suddenly, like magic, her mood improved. I can't get over how some people are so damn moody when they're hungry. Sheesh. I don't like this Shrink b/c her office is down the street from the VA. Plus, there is no free parking. Deal breaker. Lol. She looks like your typical uptight white woman. She is very smart, adores Patkar, and really has zero sense of humor. I can't relate. Basically she thinks I need to find something I love doing, and I'll be cured lol. MK thinks I will never be cured. I know that. I don't see the point of therapy. Not unless you're paying someone to listen to you talk and you actually like that person. I don't feel a connection with this person. I hate how therapists always tell you how busy they are, and yet you always seem like the only one who is going in their office. Noone was before or after me lol. Did I mention how livid MK was LOL? So that's that. I don't think I'll be returning.

The thing about therapy- is that it doesn't cheer me up in the least bit. It makes everything more painful because I have to answer questions and attempt to talk about why I'm upset or sad. It only makes things worse. I don't think talking about things helps. I mean, I do talk about things- but I write about a lot of what I am feeling- to you. I don't want to say it makes me feel better, but it is a release. Even if you never read any of this, a part of me feels good just writing to you. I always hope and pray there is a part of you that knows where I am and what I am feeling. I feel like I've had some signs from you- you have guided me when I was so lost. I feels like you. I can't be certain, but every time I have reached out to you and asked you to help me, you have. Coincidence? I don't know. What about those people who claim they can talk to the dead? Do you believe in those people? I wonder if I should seek someone out and see if they can talk to you. Do you think they're quacks? Do you believe in them? I don't know if I do. I want to. I do feel you sometimes. MK says you're always with us. I don't know if she means metaphorically speaking or if she honestly believes you are with us. She told me she was worried about you crossing over. Because that is the one thing you have to do alone. And she didn't think you were a "strong" enough person (gee, thanks Mia, right?) But she said you crossed over with no problem. She is proud of you. She speaks with conviction, so she truly believes what she is telling me. I'm glad she believes you made it to the other side. I believe so too. You're a good man, Dad. You always will be. You were the best Dad in the Universe. Everything that is good about me is because of you. You never raised your hand at me, you taught me right from wrong, you showed me what fulfilling one's responsibilities really means, and you demonstrated how someone takes care of their family in every sense of the word. I admire you so much, Dad. I wish I would have told you that. You have always been a role model to me and I have so much love and respect for you. I miss you so much. I'm going to lay down with Koi. I hope she sleeps. She is hinting that she may have a tummy ache. If that is the case, you'll hear from me again- because I'll be on my computer while she's in the shower. If not, that means we finally are sleeping- and I will write you in the morning. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you! Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Hi again, Dad. It's still Monday but it's now evening, so I may as well post another virtual "present" instead of writing on this thread. So here I go. I actually started this post, like, an hour ago, but Koi must have seen me trying to write, so she had to get out of the tub. Lol. Anyhow, let me post a new picture/present, ok? Love, G <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's Monday. I just dropped off Koi at school, bleached my hair for a second time and now I'm getting ready to head to my Shrink appt. She's a new Shrink. I'll let you know how it goes. You know how skeptical I always am. Gee- I wonder who I get it from? πŸ™‚ Anyhow, I love and miss you. Of course, you will be on my mind the entire time. I love you to the moon and back. I'll check in a bit later, ok? Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's "only" midnight and I am wide awake. But Koi is cranky and full of anxiety about going to school tomorrow. I know this is what you'd say... "go to her- you're her mother." So I'm going to keep this short and I will write you in the morning, ok? I need to cuddle her and reassure her so she goes to sleep feeling secure. I want to get to her before she dozes off. You always had such a soft spot for Koi. She was your everything. And you were my everything. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you infinitely. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 6, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 4, 2018
I'm back. Koi is on the bed and hey- it's only 12:30 on a Saturday night. I saw the north star tonight- maybe it was a cell phone tower- I couldn't tell. There are two bright stars, and maybe one is a cell tower. But as I looked up, I thought of you. You used to star gaze at night- sometimes I would join you. You would contemplate the Universe and all that is in it. You would tell me about other solar systems and galaxies. You were such a man of science. But you also taught me to have faith. And I do. I know you are with me somehow. Somewhere, maybe in another dimension. There are things that happen that I cannot explain. I can't help but think it's you. You continue to take care of us, despite not being here. When I ask for you or need help, somehow you- or a part of you- emerges and helps me. I do believe you are with me. Sometimes I feel so despondent, though. Sometimes my faith is weak. Sometimes it is strong. I have good days, and bad days. Lately I've had so many bad days. I can't help but think about all the ways I failed you as your caregiver and daughter. I'm sorry for being so selfish. I'm sorry for only thinking of myself and my needs. My sleep deprivation and my health. I should have thought more about how you were suffering. I should have came up with another option besides a hospital bed at home. I should have advocated for you more- for more therapists and nurses to help. I should have made more things happen, instead of hoarding medical equipment and thinking more meant better. I should have focused more on your needs- your health needs. I should have listened. I should have sat with you more. I should have tried to feed you more. I should have created high calorie, low density foods and soups for you, instead of pumping that disgusting formula in you. I hate myself. I don't ever want to move on, and yet I have to find a way to acknowledge how I failed you- but to continue in your honor. Right now I am unable to do anything. I feel frozen in time from November 4, 2017. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You truly are the best Dad in the Universe. I can't even go to the Bakery w/o bursting into tears. I went today and thought about how you brought Koi breakfast every single day for over a decade. You always had a soft spot for Koi. You were remembered by our neighbors as always coming by the pool to check on Koi- to bring her food and snacks and toys. You loved her so much. I was so lucky, so blessed you were in her life- and a big part of her life. I am so lucky you were my safety net when I made bad choices. I was so blessed to have you take Koi and raise her while I got my life back. You were so much more than a Grandpa. You were her everything, and you still are. As much as Koi now hates traveling and hotels, she always lets me "check on Grandpa" and she never ever says "no" nor does she complain. I booked both hotel stays for those two important dates. I'm thankful they both fall on weekends and I was able to get rooms for both special days. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you infinitely. You are infinitely in my heart until I see you again. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't write last night. I literally passed out on my bed, oh- around 9 or 10pm- I can't remember. Koi came up to me and said "hey- what's going on?" She startled me! I asked her if she wanted to take a bath, and she was like, "no!" And then she fell asleep next to me. I woke up again around 1am and asked her if she wanted a bath ("no" again was the answer) and then I woke up at 5am, then again (for good) at 8:30am. Actually Koi woke me up at 8:30am- I could have slept longer. I guess I needed to catch up on some sleep. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom (as all middle aged people do lol), I think of you in that hospital bed, asking for help. You were always wide awake at night, and you slept during the day. At night, I would wake up to pee and you would be up, and you would ask me for help. I did come over most of the time to help, but it was never a full-on, 100% attentive kind of help. I feel like I was always so tired- and I don't know why. I did sleep. I slept enough. Maybe it was the medications I was on? I think the lorazapam had something to do with it. I'm almost off of it now- Dr. Patkar is weaning me off of it. I wish I wasn't on it last year. I feel like it really hampered me. I hate myself for not taking better care of you. I hated how you would call out for me- or Nancy- and I either wouldn't come right away, or I would come, but check on you, help you quickly, and then go back to sleep, or sometimes- I just wouldn't come (either didn't hear you or just wasn't able to move). As my memory recalls, I did come almost all of the time, minus one or two- maybe three. Sadly, your last night, I sat with you, but then I had to go to my bed around 5 in the morning until 7:30am. I wish I hadn't. When I did come, I never did a good enough job. I should have sat with you. Hold on- Koi wants to get out of the tub....xoxo
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I did not write earlier today, and I'm sorry it's so late right now (12:30). I guess it's not as late as it's been on some nights, but I was asked by Koi's TA to get her to school earlier πŸ™ That means I need to wake up 15 minutes earlier, which really translates into 1/2 hour earlier b/c I move twice as slow before 6am. Anyhow, I need to get Koi to school by 8am b/c the schedules are different this year- stricter b/c of more students. It sucks. I don't think she's in as good of an environment this year. They combined the ID Mod and AU classes this year and the class is at maximum capacity- 10, I think. I was hopeful that Koi would get a 1:1 but it is no longer looking positive, just from what the TA implied. I hate how the County brushes you off- they are a lot like the VA. I have so many beefs with so many people and institutions. It's like I am Last Duck's daughter- oh wait- I am. πŸ™‚ On a better note, I finally went into Sprint and bought our phones. Well, MK did. She has been pushing me to switch carriers- but we can't do that until we are first free agents and actually own our phones outright. I don't want to upgrade- I'd rather own an older phone than have the latest technology. I know you always made sure we had the latest phones, but it's not as important to me any more. I want to hold onto the phones you bought us for as long as possible. They all remind me of you and I want to keep them as they are. So we bought the phones and that will cut our monthly payment in half. I didn't know it worked like that. We actually finished up our contract several months ago- probably over 6 months ago. We were paying way too much and the least payments were no longer being applied to what was owed on the phone. It was a waste of money and I was doing nothing about it- for fear that I would have to turn in the phones. Plus, you had talked about switching carriers back to AT&T and I still think we'll eventually do that. Baby steps. It's hard for me to make changes now. Had I known we could simply pay off the phones and that would cut our payments in half (so now we are only paying for each line we have), I would have done it as soon as the contract was over. But I also think what we owed on the phone has decreased. I swear it wasn't as much as I originally thought. I wonder if the amount was the same and I'm imagining it all- or if the value actually did go down when newer technology emerges. So enough about that- but that was a positive today. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to get through the day. MK has kept me busy every single day this week- no breaks for me. I've been so sleepy, falling asleep sitting up when I get home. So that's why I haven't written and I apologize. I do hope to catch up more over the weekend, ok? There isn't a minute that goes by where I am not thinking about you. You were the light in my life- as cheesy and weird as that sounds. You always made me laugh and I feel you and I had a very special Dad/daughter bond. You were my best friend in the whole world. You completely understood me. To this day, MK and I cannot believe you're gone. She commented today that she cannot believe you passed so quickly from the time you got sick- neither can I. I know you had been sick for awhile, but we never envisioned any of this. I think we were forced to think about it when we went into Sprint and the managers wouldn't look into our account because only you were the authorized user. MK was wondering why you never added her, and then she answered her own comment- she was never into technology- it didn't interest her, and you just took care of everything. Luckily, paying off a phone is allowed- so I didn't have to mail in your death certificate in order to make changes to the account. I think now that the phones are paid off we will eventually just walk away from Sprint and sign up with AT&T, but not right away. Better to just start over- what do you think? I don't think Sprint is worthy of having a copy of your death certificate. I still use your Amazon account, and many of the bills are still in your name (and MK's name). I've changed the important things- like ownership of the caruma. The house is automatic Tenancy by the Entirety. I can hear Ko jumping on the bed in the next room, so I am going to join her so we don't wake up MK. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you so much. I will write again tomorrow- and hopefully this weekend I can really catch up with connecting. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 2, 2018
I love you, Dad. It's 1am again πŸ™ So I need to hit the hay. I had to wait until 10:30ish for Koi to do her bidness, so that's why the late "start" to the evening routine. I remember when I used to head to the VA at this time- I wouldn't show up until 1am, often. You were asleep and I used to feel so bad. I woke you, too. But it was selfish. I really just wanted to talk with you. But you often just fell back asleep. I felt badly I had to leave early, too- usually around 5 or 6 in the morning, so I could take Koi to school. I wish MK would have let me head to the hospital earlier than she did. She used to make me wait until Koi did her business and then I'd have to put her in the tub and wash her. At least she let me visit you, but I hated how I had to do it on her terms. Anyhow... I digress. I met with my nut doctor today and he's quite pleased with my "progress." He's going to wean me further off the anxiety meds, which is good. All they do is make me feel dizzy anyway. I'm going to see another therapist next week as well. The psychiatrist handles the meds and the therapist handles, you know, talking to me. It's a racket, I know. That's the medical model. Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. I feel so empty without you here. I would give anything just to have one more day with you. It's too overwhelming to think about. I'm going to lay down- and I'll write you again later on today. MK wanted me to switch us all bak to AT&T but I keep telling her that you have to spend a fortune in order to save money. She doesn't get it, but she will soon. I'll switch us soon. Maybe even tomorrow, although I'm going to ask MK to wait just a bit longer. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Always will be, too. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
August 2, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 31, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, I started off early tonight, but it's already midnight. How did that happen? Oh well, at least it's not 3am, right? I think the web site is working again with all of my posts. Maybe it was never down- maybe I was just posting too much. Anyhow, I know I mentioned that I had a really nice visit with you over the weekend. Sometimes I'm just so incredulous about the fact you're no longer with us. It is beyond heart wrenching. It's unbearable. I keep thinking you're still here. MK and I have a good laugh when we both think of an expression you used to say. I do the "Dad" imitation and we both laugh. You always made us laugh. I hate how your head hurt you so much during the last eight months of your life. I don't know how much you remembered. And I hate that. You have always been so incredibly sharp. And you were still sharp- but your memory was spotty. Your short term memory was damaged but your long term memory was sharp as a tack. Your personality was a little different. You were still funny as heck. But you were kinder, if that makes any sense. I loved your devilish sense of humor. After the bleed, you still had a devilish sense of humor, but you didn't say anything mean- ever. You were positive. It was kind of strange. But you taught me so much. You always were such a great teacher of life. I hope I can one day make you proud. Sometimes I am just in a hurry to see you. I miss you so much. I bought a ring today. I can't seem to find the one you got me in Thailand. The 22K one. I have no idea where it went. I wore it when you were in the hospital and when you came home, I took it off- and then I lost it. But it must be somewhere, right? I bought another 22k ring today. There is a new jewelry store that opened up down the street from us that is Indian-owned, so they carry nothing but 22K gold. I bought a ring with a tiny Ganesh on it. There are four diamonds- two in each ear. I don't know if they're real diamonds- probably not for the price- maybe they're crystals of cz. Anyhow, you know who Ganesh is, but I didn't. They explained it to me, and I sure could use some good fortune, right? I know you were the one with the worst fortune last year. But I feel like I kind of lived it vicariously. I miss you so much. I lived in terror last year. I lived in terror and fear of the phone ringing and a doctor telling me you were dying. We had two of those calls- one Resident told me you weren't going to make it. We raced to the VA. You did make it. The second time they were putting in a pic line, I think, and it was incredibly risky. They didn't think you were going to make it. But you did. I thought if you could survive so many infections and illness while in hospital, you would thrive at home. But you didn't. I can only blame myself. I can only blame myself. I didn't take good care of you. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feed you enough food. I didn't strive to get you the therapy you needed. I was too laid back about getting additional nursing help and therapy. I should have been more diligent. These are the things I think about constantly. It's a good thing I'm seeing Patkar tomorrow, I guess. He's not going to do a thing for me, but at least I can document that I'm trying. I'm trying to grieve and get through it. But I don't think you ever get through losing someone so dear to you. I think it never gets better, and if anything, it only gets worse. You think about the person you lost every day and the more that time goes by, you wonder what that person would be doing now- where would they be- what would they be doing. I would have loved to have taken a road trip with you up to WV. You know we would have done that last year if I didn't have Koi. I'm not blaming Koi- you know the situation we're all in. She's been such a peach, btw. She drove up with us to D.C./VA over the weekend and was an angel. She knew I wanted to see you. She now likes to recite her schedule and she would say "check on Grandpa and go home" or "hotel, check on Grandpa, and then back to old house." God love her. I hope you will bless my Ganesh ring. I think it has to be blessed, and I am praying that you will do the blessing. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you so very much. I think about you every minute of every day. It breaks my heart that my best friend is gone. I love you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and that will never change. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 31, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
I'm back. Gosh it took half an hour. I'm an idiot. I did manage to book those two dates- yay. I'm so glad we'll be able to see you on those two special dates. I inadvertently created a new hotel account b/c I wasn't able to log into MK's old account- something about too many cookies. So I had to email their customer care center and ask for the reservations to be merged into the old account. Always something, right? Anyhow, I'm just so glad I managed to snag those reservations. For the room we wanted, we got the last one in Sept and the second to last one in Nov. Anyhow, so now I guess I better get into bed with Koi. It's now 11pm and it's not as early as I had hoped. I promise I will write tomorrow. I have had a few cat naps and hopefully we will sleep almost 8 hours tonight, barring any "tummy hurt" episodes (fingers crossed). Again, I so enjoyed seeing you/visiting you this last weekend. Your spot is so very peaceful. There isn't a day/minute that goes by where I don't think about you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and you will forever hold that title. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Okay, so I think your page is now officially working, knock on wood. I'm sorry I have not written in a few days. I had such a lovely visit with you this weekend. It was hard, but you are in such a peaceful and beautiful spot. You are close to a beautiful tree that provides wonderful shade mid-afternoon. I was eaten alive by mosquitoes, but hey- that's okay. There is too much foliage right now to see the Washington Monument from your marker, but you can see the Air Force Memorial and the Pentagon from where you are. They are doing turf "renovation" on your block, so of course the grass is all brown. But hey- we're used to that, right? Our lawn is always like that lol. I enjoyed having coffee with you and I'm sorry we showed up so late on Saturday. I cannot believe how much traffic we sat in going both ways. It took us almost six hours each way! I guess I should have left earlier, but both times, Koi was up all night and we ended up sleeping in. Actually on Saturday I woke up at 8am even though we were up until 3ish. But we still made it and I crashed that night. Koi woke up at 2:30am b/c MK went to the benjo and woke up Koi. Then she was up until 7am and finally went back down from 7-10am. We missed our "free breakfast" and I'm surprised MK was okay with that. We had a beautiful room/suite. It was huge. So huge. Oh thanks for reminding me. I need to book a room for both September and November. I hope they have availability. Hold on.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Let's see if this post works. Testing, one, two three.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Hi Dad. Okay so today (Monday) was the day from hell, so I didn't get a chance to write you until now. It's "only" 10:30pm, though. It's an improvement, right? I'm going to light another candle and write you there, ok? I love you. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's 3am... yikes! I have to gee up in three hours! But I wanted to let you know we all made it home safe and sound. Boy, what horrible traffic we sat in- both ways. 95 was bumper to bumper all the way and 85 was slow as well (because of construction). I ended up taking Rt. 1 South, which is actually Capital Blvd down to 540 and home (with a TJ Maxx detour). I loved visiting with you and I just wish we had more time together. I will book those other two dates tomorrow- as soon as I get the chance. I also need to call the local VA Office and get someone to fill out one section of the tax document (for MK). I don't know why they need someone from the VA to fill out a part of the form, because all of the paperwork you need to submit is from the VA to begin with. It is what it is, I guess. I love you so much, and I will make sure to take care of this matter for MK. I'm doing it because I know you would do it for MK. I love and miss you so much. I am so honored to visit you at Arlington, but it's so difficult to come home and not have you here with me. I love you to the moon and back. I will write more tomorrow (today), ok? I need to catch a few quick zzzz's- especially since Koi was up last night from 2:30 until 7am. I love and miss you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 30, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, Koi made it to school today. She came home, and I took her to Chick Fil A, but she didn't eat. She came home and had a major blowout- volcanic poo. I hope she's ok. It's now 1am and I'm exhausted, but now she tells me she feels like she needs to "haku" πŸ™ We're still coming up tomorrow, no matter what. I'm not going to share this with MK or else she'll try to cancel the trip. Koi had one major blowout and one minor blowout. And then she proceeded to be fine for HOURS. So much so, I even took her for a long walk outside. I went and got me and MK Chinese food at this newish Szechuan place at Parkside Commons and it was "maw maw"- we had the Family Style tofu. After I ate it, *I* felt like I was going to haku. But I just pressed through it and walked Koi around the neighborhood in her stroller. I don't know. Do you think we all have a bug or something? I have no idea. She's laying on the bed now and I'm holding a bucket and keeping it close. I want to lay down so badly. I don't know whoever said that having babies and toddlers is the most challenging times. I don't think I've had a good night sleep since 2006- lol. I guess I didn't know how good I had it. And I guess I still don't know how good I have it, compared to a lot of others. So that's what I've been up to- cleaning poo and hopefully not cleaning haku. Fingers crossed. I'd really like to get a few hours sleep tonight, ya know. I'm going to cut this post short- I am really really sorry. She seems to be okay right now, so I'm going to have a bit of a lay down just in case I have to wake up in the middle of the night and try to get the bucket under her in time. This sucks. Oh, but now she says "feel better" and she's smiling. Did you do that, Dad? Well, thank you. <3 You are always helping me- no matter what. I love you so much. I miss you terribly- I think about you day and night. I hope Koi will be okay with me sobbing uncontrollably when I come to visit you. I will try my best to keel my composure, though. I know that's what you (and MK) would have wanted. I love you to the moon and back. xoxo Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 28, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 27, 2018
Well, Koi is out of the tub and flopped on the couch. I finally cleaned up the tub/shower and put all the mountain of towels in the washing machine. I have to get up in 3 1/2 hours- yikes, and Koi has to get up in 4 1/2 hours and go to SCHOOL. How on EARTH? Well, luckily, it's just one day and then we have the weekend. We're coming up to see you this weekend, ok, Dad? Thank you for allowing all the wonderful sunshine and heat up in D.C.- I am so thankful. I love you to the moon and back. I love you so very much and miss you ever waking second. Sometimes, sleep is the only escape I have from all the heartache. And so I shall go to sleep and be wrapped in the arms of Morpheus (as you used to say). I love you, Dearest Dawg. Until tomorrow (today)... Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm lighting a yellow candle tonight, because it reminds me of Mom asking me to light a yellow candle for you. I haven't done that in a long, long time. Mainly, because MK instructed me to stop writing you after your Interment. She didn't want me using up the RFH's resources after the end of our contract. But, since our Funeral Director, Heather, is awesome, she has allowed me to post until the end of time, which I so appreciate. Of course, I can't tell MK about this, as she thinks asking favors of people is rude. So I just don't tell her πŸ˜‰ Anyhow, so that's why I haven't posted a yellow candle on MK's behalf lately- because she has no idea I still write you. For me, this is the only way I can communicate with you. I do pray, but I find myself praying with tears. Last night was really hard. I don't know why. Something triggered how sad I am and how much I miss you. Sometimes writing you isn't cathartic at all- it brings up all the ways I failed you and it forces me to think about them and confront them. I think that is a good thing, but it also makes me suffer quite a bit. I think I deserve to suffer, but in the end, you are the one who truly suffered. You fought so hard to stay with us. You wanted to live. I hate that. Your mind was sharp and you wanted to stay, but your body gave out. I hate that more than anything. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about you and miss you. We took Koi to Jump Street today (a trampoline place) and we took an old road into Apex (b/c I "had" to go to TJ Maxx lol). Anyhow, I drove under one of those old tressel bridges and it reminded me of the time when we rented that U Haul truck and we loaded up all of my belongings from Villanova in it. You had to drive me to one of my MBA classes and we forgot the clearance on the truck and boom! we hit the bottom of the bridge. We thought we took the whole cab off! It was such a scream. After you dropped me off, you later told me that you went onto the roof of my old apartment complex to see if there was any damage on the truck. Luckily there wasn't- but boy did MK and I have a good laugh over that tonight. Also, I recanted the story of how my t.v. went from being a "Sony" to being a "Son" t.v. Oh how I loved that t.v.- you got it for me from Travis- wait, was it Travis? The AFB in Denver- what was it called? I loved that t.v. and you did your very best to save that t.v. from being dropped. You scraped up your arm and dangled from that U Haul truck. Ah you were such a champ! I can't believe that was only around fifteen years ago. You were so healthy then. I mean, you weren't- but it's all relative... and you were able to do so much (MK too). MK can barely walk these days. If you only saw her, you would make her go to the doctor- I know you would. I'm going to take Koi out of the tub, since it's almost 2am and she actually has school tomorrow (yikes). Wish me luck. I'll finish up these deep thoughts in just a few, ok? I love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 27, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well here it is again 2:30 in the morning and I have no excuse. I've been vegging out, watching stupid stuff on YouTube. I hate kids and I've been watching Outdaughtered- remember that stupid show with the quints on TLC? I used to make you watch it all day Saturday and at least once a weeknight when I would come by in the evenings- probably more than once a weeknight (because it seemed like it was always on). Sometimes I realize... after your stroke. You had to lay in bed, by yourself for hours and hours. I was at the VA a lot, but I wasn't there 24 hours a day. And when I was there, you were usually sleeping b/c it was nighttime. I would leave you watching stupid stuff that you had no interest in. I would come back and you turned the t.v. off. When I would have to leave you at home, I'd leave YouTube on the computer b/c we had no t.v. And you would close the laptop b/c it would bother you. You were a guy who voraciously read on the computer hour after hour- and after your stroke, the t.v. bothered you. I know you wanted to read- and you did re-teach yourself how to- without telling anyone you needed help. You never asked for help- not once. You taught yourself how to text me. You never asked anyone for help. And remember when you would call me and say you were having a "realization" moment of what had happened? It was like an awakening? Well, I get those now, too. I think I just went on autopilot last year and I didn't want to think about all the suffering you were experiencing- not just physical, but also cognitive and perhaps emotional as well. It's overwhelming. I hate night time b/c this is what I think about. I wasn't there for you. I was present, but not "there" for you. And I don't know how to say I'm sorry, because it's too late. Sometimes I feel your body gave out because you felt like noone cared. I hope that wasn't the case, because I cared so much. I just didn't know how to help- and because I was so scared, I didn't help at all. I hear Koi jumping on the bed. I've been in your room, kind of hiding out myself, watching YouTube. Koi likes her nighttime alone, and I guess I do, too. But I guess I should really buckle down and put her to bed- especially since she has to go back to school on Friday. Yikes. I don't know how she's gonna make it. We have to get up at 6am. I'm still planning on seeing you this weekend. I checked the weather, and it was nice of you to bring the lovely sun for us. Thank you. I also wanted to thank you about the property tax thing. You know what I mean. We'll see if it all works out- I'll, of course, keep you posted. I'm feeling so heartbroken right now. I miss you so much. I wish I could re-do last year. I would have done things so differently. I'm just so sorry for all the things I did wrong and all the ways I failed you. I will never get over it, because it's not me who was suffering- it was you. It's hard to let that go, when you realize that someone you love more than anything suffered as a result of decisions you (I) made- and didn't make. You were (are) the best Dad in the universe and I love you more than life itself. I can't wait to see you one day in Heaven. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 26, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 25, 2018
Hi again, Dad. I tried to post (the above) message earlier today but it didn't work. So I kept it, and tried again (this time working) by "lighting a (virtual) candle" and so on. I hope this post stays. Right now, posting on your wall directly isn't working all the time, and when I post a virtual "gift"- the message posts, but then it disappears. The last message that is listed here is from last Tuesday- about eight days ago πŸ™ Anyhow, I know you are in Heaven, and you see all the messages I am posting. I guess this is just an exercise in repetition, eh? I just wanted to say good night to you, and I love you so very much. I cannot even talk about you w/o crying- I wish I was stronger. Our newish neighbors (they moved into Lou and Vince's house- I don't know their names), but the wife is nice and she asked/commented on how sick you were last year- and how brave you were/are. I always burst into tears, even when I just try to comment very matter-of-factly. I am hoping once I start up again with therapy in August, things will get better. I switched doctors (well I'm back to Patkar and I like it) and he's found a really good psychotherapist for me at Duke. She was booked for six months, so I think I'm finally going to "get in" with her in August. I know you always thought therapy was BS, but you know, some of us weak-minded types need it, I guess. Honestly, I think I am just lonely and I need to pay someone to listen to me. That's the God-honest truth of it. I don't really have friends with whom I can talk- and they'll listen. Adulthood is strange, isn't it? Once you have kids- and unless your kids are doing something that is team- or group oriented, you really have no social life, as a parent. The parents I know only socialize through their kids' sports teams. What do you do if your kid doesn't do team sports? Well, go to therapy, I guess. Maybe church? I wish Bruce's church was here in NC. He had a really cool SF church, and I wish so much I could zap his church here. People always comment on what a "great" caregiver I was to you. But it's all BS. Smoke and mirrors. I was not a great caregiver to you. I was a terrible caregiver to you. I think they say it b/c they see the tears in my eyes and they think that is what I want to hear. So they try to be kind and supportive- and I do appreciate that. But the truth of the matter is- you are the one who suffered. You wanted to live and your body gave out. But what if you had more supports? What if you had the PT that you deserved and earned, but never received? Where would you be now? Remember, you had that pacemaker surgery b/c you were "investing" in your health. Those doctors really talked us into that, didn't they? I encouraged you to get that pacemaker surgery and I hate myself for doing that. You asked me to take you to the Hospital on March 6th, and I made you wait until I got home from picking up Koi. How would things have been different had I taken you before lunch? Would they have seen your stroke and would they have been able to stop it? They would have stopped the blood thinning medicines and maybe the bleed would have been less. However, you did recover quite well from the bleed. But why did everything else go to shit? Anyhow, I wasn't a good caregiver. I was cranky, tired, and I often inadvertently shamed you. I didn't mean to. But I was tired. MK was awful and I tried to mediate. But I was tired, too. I should have been kinder. I should have demanded more care for you- round the clock care. I failed in so many respects. I will be honest and tell my therapist-to-be all of this stuff. I know it sounds like I am taking on too much, but I was a simple caregiver, and I can't forgive myself for failing you in every respect. I want you to know that if I had to do it all over again, I would have done everything differently. I wish I could lay down my own life for yours- because you deserved to live. You contributed so much to this Country and to our family. I've done nothing- and I continue to do nothing. I want you to be proud of me, and maybe someday I will make you proud. But for now, I want you to know that I love and miss you each minute of every day. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I'm going to put Koi to bed since it's 1:30- she only has two more days of summer track out. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 25, 2018
Hi Dad. Koi has not been sick today, but we've been really lazy. MK and I ordered Thai food again- the mango sticky rice was quite good, so we ordered two (and now I feel sick lol). Remember that Thai place in Moraga that had pineapple fried rice? I used to eat it a lot, and then I just got sick of it. Well, this Thai place actually is family-owned and they have two restaurants in Berkeley and Oakland. Small world, eh? Anyhow, today we ordered the House Curry (green) and it was a bit on the spicy side. I liked it- I love the curry sauce mixed in with the rice, but boy, was it spicy. All those carbs made me fall asleep sitting up in my chair lol. Koi has been so good today, playing in her room and in the house, going here and there, watching YouTube. I wish I had taken her somewhere. I asked her if she wanted to do something but no answer. I think I have to give her choices. Well, tomorrow is a new day. I will offer to take her somewhere like Wet and Wild or the pool tomorrow, although I am pretty sure she will say "no!" Anyhow, I'm going to take her to get something to eat now (probably Chick Fil A). I love you to the moon and back. I'll write tonight, ok? xoxo Love you, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 25, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 18, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 17, 2018
Hi, Dad. Just another short note/update to let you know we went to Wet n' Wild, and had fun. Koi is able to do a lot on her own these days. I ended up worrying more about MK than Koi. Koi was quite low maintenance b/c she really loved the wave pool the best. We did the half pipe once- because it's now a two-person ride (so I rode it with her, and I knew she wouldn't fall out, since my legs were on top of hers). We also went down the Runaway Raft, which is a two person ride also. She also wanted to go down the Runaway Raft twice on her own (it's a 2 person and a 1 person ride). She didn't want to ride any of the slide rides and she really just wanted to stay at the wave pool. We ended up buying season passes, b/c it's just cheaper that way. So I'm guessing we'll be retuning. She's had the runs all night, and I'm guessing it's from the sun or the filthy water. She's had two rounds of the runs... πŸ™ and now it's almost 5am πŸ™ I'm so beat, but I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear she'll crap the bed. I hope not. Anyhow, I miss you so much, Dad. I wish you were here. I thought about you so much today. I also had to update all of our devices to System 11.4.1 (I think it was around System 9 or 10 before your stroke?) I have no idea what the updates do, but I do them right away, and of course I think of you. Koi's in bed now watching Elmo (great) and I guess I'll go and join her. I'll write you again in the morning, ok? I need to catch a few zzzz's before the sun comes up. She threw such a fit when we left, she demanded that we return tomorrow (today). Luckily with her tummy ache, she's now amended her demands and says "no Wet Wild Tuesday." Good, because it's raining in Greensboro today! We will go again at some point. At first, I told her we'd go again on Wednesday, but maybe she's calmed down a bit and isn't hell bent on retuning so soon. We'll go- I just don't know when. Thank you for channeling your positive mojo b/c we did have a good visit and we also shopped at the Greensboro TJ Maxx afterward. Score! Lol. I miss you so much, Dad. I just wish you were here with us. I always used to complain about your driving, and you're right. I do miss you. And I do miss you now that you're gone. And yes, I feel terrible I didn't like your driving. I'd give anything to have you drive ma anywhere. I love you, Dad. You're always right. Always. I'll write you in the morning, ok? I did look around on Amazon Prime day, but I guess I just don't need anything. I don't see a thing I need. I don't want to update our phones or devices b/c I am attached to what we have. There's really nothing I need. But I digress. I'll write you in the morning/late morning, ok? I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 16, 2018
Hi, Dad! Pray for sunshine tomorrow! I'm gonna have to cut this short yet again (I'm sorry!) because it's 2:30 in the morning and I have these "plans" to take Koi to the water park tomorrow. I'm such an idiot. Of course I'm doing all the last minute planning now- and I find out that you can save $10 per ticket if you go T-R and we are going Monday. Maybe we won't go tomorrow, but I feel like we are in a good position to go, because Koi did her business two days in a row. She's had so much gastrointestinal issues lately- it prevented us from going last week b/c of it. Since she seems "okay" today- I thought tomorrow, we best go for it. And I also found out that they only give military discounts to active duty MIL's so no discounts for us. Lastly, they will charge you regardless of whether you get in the water. So MK will have to pay, like $40, just to do nothing. Yikes. That's like $120 for the three of us. If just me and Koi go T-R, it would only be, like $60. So I don't know what to do. I think MK wants to come. She likes feeling needed. And it would be nice having her, although I would probably waste my brain cells worrying about her. But it's nice to have someone there to watch your stuff. It's kind of a white-trashy place, and I can see me getting robbed. Because I have "sucker" written all over my face. It would be nice to have MK there. I'll give her all the bad news updates when she wakes up tomorrow. I guess I should try to get some sleep, eh? Koi was up all night last night- until around 6am. I went to your room around 5am, and I heard her crying for me around 6, so I joined her again and we both slept until noon- that's why I'm so awake right now! I hope she'll be able to sleep if I lay down with her. Wish me luck, ok? I love and miss you so much, Dad. If only it was a few years ago- when your health was better. You would have driven me. I miss those days so much. I feel like crap I used to complain about your driving and how it made me carsick. I'm just so sorry for being such an ingrate and a brat. I would give anything for those days again. I miss you so much. My life feels so empty w/o you in it. I just keep thinking about you and pretending you are still here. It's the only thing that keeps me going, really. I talk to you all the time and just act like you're in your room when I talk to you. It's not that I'm in denial- but I am choosing to pretend you are still here. I can't bear the thought of the truth. The truth will not set you free. Whoever said that... I prefer denial. I love you so much, Dad. Prime Day with Amazon is tomorrow. I will be good and not buy anything. I think πŸ˜‰ If I do, it'll be for a small amount. I promise- no big purchases. I have no money, anyways. I'm about to spend all the cash I have at this water park. I returned a bunch of stuff so I could get money and that's where it's going to go. Plus, I sold some of my gold jewelry so I can take Koi to this place. I just want her to have a good memory and know that her Mom tries to give her a good summer. I should have spent more time with you last summer. I spent too much time with her last year- and now that I have the time, I don't spend as much time with her. What is wrong with me? I should have devoted myself to you more- and I feel terrible I asked the hospital to keep you for an extra ten days. I wanted to make sure you were stable and well before coming home. They were in a rush to discharge you. Plus, I thought you were going to live for years and years- and I wanted once last chance to take Koi to the beach. I was going to take you to the beach w/o Koi- when she was in school. But I wanted once last chance to take her, as I thought I would be by your side for at least five years. I was such a stupid fool. I should have brought you home those ten days earlier and spent the time with you- not her. I'm just so stupid and I have to live with myself for all of those stupid decisions I made. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. And I'm so incredibly sorry for making all the mistakes I made. I was not thinking straight, and that's no excuse at all. But I have to live with all of the bad decisions I made. I feel really empty and terrible thinking about it. I try to live in denial about all the mistakes I made. The truth is unbearable. I love you so much, Dad. I'll let you know if we end up going tomorrow- and I'll give you an update. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 15, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm just gonna write you a short note tonight b/c it's 1am and I've spent probably the last 30 minutes sitting on your bed, just surfing the Net. I kept meaning to write you, but I was just looking at pictures and doing mindless stuff- vegging out. Koi seems happy and hyper. But earlier she looked like her tummy hurt- again. I can't take all the tummy aches this summer. I have NO idea what is causing them. I can't sleep at night with anxiety for fear she is going to crap the bed. Sigh! Anyhow, this morning, she woke me up at 6am and I ended up going to your bed and sleeping until 9am. It was wonderful! She slept better, too. Honestly I think we both sleep better in different rooms, but that is just me. I know MK wants me to sleep with her- because it makes it easier for HER. But of course she'll never admit it. I'll keep doing it. At least she stayed with Koi for five months when I used to go to the VA to see you at night. I'm really grateful for our nights together, even though I came late and never really did anything to help you. Half the time, by the time I showed up, you were already asleep. That was MK's fault b/c she used to make me wait for Koi to poop, and then I would have to bathe her and I was allowed to leave to see you once I put her in the tub. Some nights that was quite late as Koi is not a poop machine, ya know? It used to make me so angry b/c I felt like MK was always putting her needs first- she didn't want to change any diapers nor did she want to bathe Koi. All she did was take her out of the tub when I left, dried her, and then put her to bed. But I guess that's a lot for her. At least she let me go. Knowing her, not letting me go is more like her. Your second hospitalization (and third one, which was the week you died), she did not let me spend the night. She thought it was a bad thing- because me being there made the nurses lazy somehow and not wanting to do their jobs. The less we were there, the more work they would do. Whatever. You know MK's fractured way of thinking. She's nuts. Anyhow, now my note is getting longer and I'm not even saying anything important. I should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and I am going to try my best to take Koi to the water park this week. Wish me luck. Pray for no diarrhea with Koi- or me, I guess. I love and miss you so much. I feel so lost all the time. It's really as if a part of my heart is gone- and I'm just going through the motions in life. I would rather see you, honestly. I want to live, but I want to see you, and I can't have both, can I? I want to see you again so badly. I hope you are all right. I worry about you so much. I hope your soul is okay and you crossed over. MK says you did. She was worried about you. She was afraid that you would be too scared to cross over, as it's something you have to do alone. But she said you did it- you were fearless and did it. I wish I had confirmation of that, but she seems to know with certainty. Your nurse claims she can see angels, and they were waiting for you the week before you passed. When you said "are they coming" the day you died, your nurse said you were talking about the angels. To me, I thought you were talking about the ambulance that I did not call until it was too late. I wish I had called 911 sooner. Who knows what could have been had I made that call sooner. I'll have to live with that bad decision, or huge mistake, rather- for the rest of my life. I hope you will one day forgive me for all the mistakes I made, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 15, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2018
I'm back. Tub is cleaned. Koi is clean. She's on the bed, giggling over something on YouTube. So anyways, I kept myself busy so I didn't have to think about the pain of not having you here with us. Our family isn't complete without you. I gave MK a split picture for your anniversary. On the top half was that picture of you and MK holding a baby me with no hair- standing by your ginormous stereo system. You were wearing a dress shirt, slacks, and MK was wearing a silk pant-suit. Maybe you were getting ready to go out? Or maybe you dressed up for the photo? I remember when we lived in Fairfax/ Kings Park West, you got all dressed up and took pictures of yourself. I don't know what happened to those pictures, but I sure would love to have them. I know you wanted something for me to remember you by- because I was a child and you wanted to make sure I always remembered you. Even back then, you were always thinking of me and taking care of me in every way you knew how. So I spent a good bit of the day waiting for (late) packages (UPS sucks) and then I spent another good bit of the day, opening them, decided I didn't want them, packing them back up, printing out return labels, and then going to UPS (which is now under new ownership- no more Rintoo) for drop off. Not to worry- Rintoo still owns the UPS stores in both of the "new" strip malls- Park West and Parkside Commons (where the Five Guys moved). Did you ever get to see Parkside Commons? It was brand new at the beginning of 2017 and they had a new movie theatre. But I don't think you ever saw a movie there. I know you saw lots of movies at Park West (a couple with me). Anyhow, so the UPS by our home is no longer owned by Rintoo b/c UPS wanted them to make a lot of renovations and they didn't want to put the money into that. So they just sold it off. I don't care too much for the new employees there, but it doesn't matter- all I ever do is drop off packages and I also occasionally buy a shipping envelope. No biggie.

I've been emailing Nance back and forth a few times today. At first, she comes across quite negatively, and then she comes across as quite loving and positive. Sometimes she comes across critical and other times she is complimentary and supportive. I think it depends on what I say, and how I say it. I think I must annoy her, because I am always so negative and depressed. I try to be more upbeat with her- you know... I try. I reached out to her today b/c it was your anniversary and she well- she did write me back a few times. She did say she often feels like a failure of a wife, and that really breaks my heart b/c it's simply not true. But how do you tell a widow that it was her husband who had a mental illness- and it had nothing to do with her? There shouldn't be a stigma associated with mental illness. We all have it. But there is. And I'll just leave it at that.

The evening was spent getting sno-cones at the new Pelicans location (just further down the street- closer to Apex) The old location has been converted to an "Alli Gators" which serves... you guessed it- sno balls and ice cream, too. But we stick with Pelicans... and I got a stuffed sno ball (with cherry and vanilla ive cream) and Koi got an orange stuffed sno ball, and MK got a small cherry sno ball- not stuffed. Then we swung by the Chick Fil A drive-thru and got fries for Koi (and me) and then we came home. Koi wanted to roller skate, even though it was pitch dark. So I put the wheels on her sneakers and she went halfway around the block and then just stopped. I took off the wheels from her sneakers, and we walked the rest of the way home. It was a nice walk- one of my favorite parts of the evening, because I like to walk. So we then proceeded with our usual evening rituals, shower, cleaning the tub, etc. and now Koi is waiting for me in bed. I guess I "made" it today. Exactly a year ago today, Facebook reminds me that MK and I met with the "Director" of the VA, Deann Seekins- to discuss why they would not allow you to have any rehab. She basically offered you 30 days of rehab at a civilian facility- in Durham. After our meeting with Ms. Seekins, we toured the facility and I thought it was nice. MK didn't like it one bit. She said it was time to stop fighting them (the VA) and start prepping ourselves to care for you at home, which would be the best place for you. MK knows you the best, and I respected her decision. I thought she wanted you to go to a rehab facility- because you know, it would be easiest for her. But nope- she wanted what would be best for you. And she felt that being at home and getting home health care would be in your best interest. Nevermind the fact that the VA never gave you home health. They only "gave" you a nurse who stopped by once a week and an OT who stopped by once a week. Then, he tried to get one of his new flunkees to start coming by and MK fired her. She sucked. Anyhow, you told me one thing that kind of upset me. You said that in the hospital, someone comes by every two hours, but at home, noone came by. That "someone" should have been me. And I'm sorry if I did not pay you enough attention when you were at home. I wasn't too busy to do so. So I am sorry for neglecting you. My only excuse is that I was too hyperfocused on your care- and I often forgot that you're a real, honest-to-God human being who needs companionship. And I am so incredibly sorry if you felt lonely or abandoned. Because you weren't. I wish I had more support. MK didn't want a bunch of useless strangers in the house, tracking it up, and not being helpful. Therapists came and went. We went to the VA once a week to take your blood levels. I was hoping that was enough "excitement" because I sure was tired lol. But I should have been more mindful of what YOU needed. And for that I am so so incredibly remorseful and sorry. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I doubt I ever will. I hope to see you one day. I don't know if it will be in the near future or not. But I look forward to the day when I can see you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I love you!!! Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. I just (technically) missed your Anniversary- ugh! I swear, I am hopeless. Or is it "hapless"? You would know! Today was your 53rd wedding anniversary, and MK and I spent it by sleeping in (it's Koi's time o' the month, so I figured she needed the sleep). And then I waited for a ton of packages to arrive from Amazon and J Jill (for MK) just so I could return almost all of them. I ordered some replacement sandals and swim wear. But I ended up returning most of the stuff. It kept me busy all day, yes- wasting my day- and also kept my mind off how much I miss you. Sometimes the pain is just crippling, so I keep myself busy so I don't think about it. I know I need to deal with my grief, but I don't start counseling until August. Until then, I don't want to dope myself up too much. I did manage to wean myself off my anxiety meds to just once a day. I think you'd be proud of me! MK liked her J Jill pants. They're HUGE on her, just the way she likes them lol. She can sweep the streets with them, as you'd say. But hey- I'm glad they showed up today. They were supposed to show up tomorrow, but they came a day early. Did YOU have something to do with that? I bet you did <3
Hold on. Of course Koi wants out of the tub NOW. Because I started writing πŸ˜‰ BRB.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 14, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 13, 2018
Happy 53rd Anniversary, Dad. I miss you so much. I always know which anniversary it is, because all I have to do is take my age and add seven. I'm not 46 just yet- but I will be soon. And I add seven years. Being married for seven years before having me seems like a lifetime back in the 60's/70's, doesn't it? I know you were traveling a lot- and Vietnam, well, that took up a lot of time, didn't it? You weren't sure if you were going to make it back, and you didn't want to leave MK as a young widow with a baby. Even back then, you were always thinking of her- and what was best for her. I don't think a day went by when you have not thought about her. The way you meticulously wrote out your survivorship document show me how much you truly loved and cared for her. You outlined everything for her- the calls to make, the addresses to write to, the pensions, the amounts to expect, everything. What a gift, as your nurse told me. What a gift. If you hadn't done all of that, I would have been lost. I don't know how many years it would have taken me to figure everything out. And I bet I never would have figured a lot of it out. I didn't know which policies you had. I almost stopped paying one! I remember showing you the letter about nonpayment and you were trying so hard to help me. You stared at that document for at least an hour. Luckily, I paid it. I had a feeling- and I also looked around on your desk once I got home. I found your survivorship document in your computer, too- and I emailed it to myself. You used to email it to me once a year as an "FYI" but for some reason (Raper's luck), I couldn't find it when I thought I may need it in the (not so) near future. I just wanted to have it when you were sick. Not because I thought you were going to pass. I just wanted to have lots of time to prepare- because I thought you were going to be around for at least another five years. And I knew I was taking over as your full time caregiver- and I wanted to have all the documents so I could proceed as such. If I only knew how little time you had left. I would have done everything differently. Please please forgive me for all the mistakes I made. They were such stupid mistakes. I will always hate myself for being so stupid. I wish I had gotten you better care. I wish for so much. I can't be like Nance and say "oh well coulda woulda shoulda!" I can't do that. I'm just not like that. It's healthier to be like that, I suppose. But I'd rather life with the guilt and responsibility for all the mistakes I made. Unlike Nance, I made a lot of mistakes. So many- too many to even list or count. Plus, I would just be redundant if I listed them all out. So I'll spare you. But today will be a difficult day for all of us, because you were indeed our backbone. You were our rock. You were the foundation of our family. And without you, we are all lost. I know MK puts up a strong front, but I know deep down she is sad and scared. I know so, because so little sets her off these days. I know she is fearful w/o you. And I can't be that rock for her- she lost all faith in me three and a half years ago. But three and a half years ago, you saved my life and helped me live again. I wish I would have repayed you in a better way. I wish I could have prolonged your life by finding you better care, better doctors, better (any) rehab. I should have done more. I have no excuses, no reasons, other than being stupid and lazy. I wasn't lazy in visiting you, but I was lazy and fearful in seeking better treatment for you. I wish I would have done so much more. It's 1:30am on Friday- Friday the 13th. I have the day planned so I can be busy. I ordered a bunch of crap from Amazon, and I'll most likely return it all. It's just a bunch of junk I don't need, but I wanted to keep myself busy with tangible things- so I wouldn't feel the pain of loss. I don't think I will ever be the same person again. Losing you has changed me forever. You were such an inspiration in my life- you motivated me, you listened to me and understood me. You made me laugh, you made me think, you made me cry (in a good way, I promise). You were my everything. And I should have done everything for you in return. I promise I will do my best to honor your life by living my best- most respectable- life from here on out. I know my word in sh** with MK, and probably with you, too. But I'm still giving you my word that I promise to always put Koi and her needs first- and my family's (MK's) needs before my own as well. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Happy Anniversary. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 13, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. I meant to give you an update this morning. But I fell asleep around 9am or maybe 10am- I'm not sure. And I ended up sleeping for most of the day. So, backing up... I stayed up until around 1:30am, because I had a lot of anxiety about taking Koi to the water park today. She slept from around midnight until 7am. She woke me up at 7 and said "my tummy hurt" and then she ran into her room (which means she has to poop). So I got her ready- clean diaper, clean towels underneath her, etc. and she did her business. So I had to give her another bath, dump the dump, clean up the area, etc. and I'm guessing all of this took me until around 8:30 in the morning. I had some coffee, but no breakfast b/c we didn't order kek yesterday. Anyhow, Koi ate breakfast and then she went into MK's room and started playing and such. I disappeared into my room, already deciding that today would not be the day to take Koi to a water park. If you're waking up in the morning with the runs, going to a water park probably isn't the best idea. However, little did I know that she was waiting patiently for me all morning to take her- because stupid me, I had mentioned it the night before. Well when I woke up around 2pm (yes, can you believe it), she thought she was going to the water park. I felt horrible. I thought she understood me when I told her that I would take her Friday or Monday. But she did not. So I tried to explain in a halfway decent way, but it all fell on deaf ears. I felt horrible. I thought she understood me when I told her it would be best to go to the water park like Friday or Monday (I'm thinking Monday- because she got her period today- can you believe it?) Honestly, she was fine all day and I should have taken her today. But now it's too late b/c she got her time of the month, and she can't go when that's going on. Sigh! So I suck. And I haven't even mentioned how much I miss you and love you. I did nothing today except sleep, and got her a sno cone from Pelican's (which moved locations down the street. The old Pelican's is now Alli Gators). I also got her some Chick Fil A and MK and I split a sandwich from Panera. I walked Koi in her stroller to Walgreens and we bought candy And that's about it Oh, and I also walked her all the way to Walgreens, became hypoglycemic, ate a bunch of licorice, and then walked home. We just got out of the shower, and I think I'm going to hop in the bed "early" with her now. I don't know I'm so tired, since I slipped. I hope tomorrow is a little more productive, but now it looks like there will be no water park until next week. There aren't enough days in this track out, that's for sure. I love and miss you, Dad. I cant stop thinking about you, and sleep is the only escape I have. I don't know what is wrong with me. I get some aches and pains during the day- like chills- but at night, I seem fine. Just tired. Anyhow, I guess I'll get in the bed with Koi soon and wish you a good night. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much, Dad. I'll check in with you again tomorrow during the day. I doubt we'll do that much tomorrow, since it's now going to be Koi's "month of the time" as MK calls it. I hope we can figure out what to do tomorrow, Friday, and the weekend. I love you so much, Dad. You truly *are* our hero. We're not the same w/o you nor will we ever be. My heart died when you did. I'm just going through the motions. I love you so much, Dad. I'll write you tomorrow, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 11, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. Oh look- someone sent you flowers. Wasn't that nice? I wonder who did it. You see how you continue to touch people, every single day? You are so special- not just to me, but to countless others. Friday is your wedding anniversary. Friday the 13th. MK isn't affected, but I am. I don't get her. She just doesn't ascribe feeling to things that normal people do. A part of me has her figured out, and another part of me will never have her figured out. I think it will be an emotional day for me. But most people would think it would be an emotional day for her. Maybe it will be. Maybe she just hides it really well. I will try to keep myself busy so I won't think about the giant hole in my heart w/o you here with us. It's 12:21am- which, I guess is early for us, considering we went to bed at 1:30 last night and 3am the night before. Koi woke me up early this morning- I have no idea why. Maybe she needed to poo. Who knows. I'm going to try to take her to the water park tomorrow. Wish me luck. It's not set in stone, but I'm going to try. I have two places I want to go during her summer track out- a water park- and to Arlington to see you. We only have a few more weeks, but I fully intend to do both. Koi also has Surfer's Healing again this year. Had I known you would no longer be with us, I would have had you come home and you would have witnessed the solar eclipse with us, your family. Instead, we spent that day at the beach. Koi had an okay time and MK and I were baking hot and we did witness the eclipse. But still- astronomy means nothing to me w/o you. You taught me everything I know about the stars. I saw the north star tonight when I was walking Koi in her stroller this evening. I didn't see Orion's belt, but I did see the North Star, and it made me think of you. I know you used to look up in the sky and wonder what was out there. You always had a curiosity about you. You were pessimistic and yet optimistic at the same time. You were a walking contradiction, which I loved. You were- and are- amazing. I miss you so much, Dad. If only I knew. I would have brough you home in early to mid August, instead of keeping you at the VA until the end of August. I hate myself for that decision. MK was scared to bring you home, but we could do it. I honestly thought you were going to live for another decade. That's why I thought I could take Koi to the beach and then focus all of my attention on you when you came home at the end of August. Of course, I still took Koi to the State Fair- twice. That's another thing I regret so much. I left you for about 4 hours, which was so stupid. Yes, MK was home with you, but she couldn't do anything. She had no clue. I wish so much I brought you home sooner. I would have taken you outside to see the solar eclipse. We would have spent more time together. I hate myself for the decisions I made. I hate myself for not calling 911 sooner on November 4th. You asked me if someone was coming. I lied to you and said "yes" because I wasn't sure if we needed EMT. I wanted to wait until the last minute possible b/c I didn't want you going back to the hospital. Plus, MK hated it when we called the Ambulance. Why did I even consider what she wanted? Why? I'm such a fool, Dad. A lemming. I hate myself for the decisions I made that day. I should have called immediately. I thought your zero oxygenation meant the battery was dead. I was changing a battery when you died. Like a fool. I deserve whatever comes my way in life that is bad. 100% I made such terrible decisions for you that cost you your life. I do deserve to die. I really feel that way. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I would give anything to bring you back. If I could give my life for yours, I would. I'm not just saying it. I would give anything. My heart is so empty without you, Dad. I think Koi fell asleep, so I guess I better stop writing all this negativity and just lay down with Koi. I'm sorry for being so negative, too. I love you so much. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 11, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 10, 2018
Hi, Dad. This dove chose me tonight. I hit "share" not knowing what I had chosen (the image, or virtual "gift" they call it), and this dove appeared. I saw two red cardinals yesterday, I forgot to mention. There is a nest in one of our trees in our backyard. You know, the tree that is right outside of the kitchen window. The most beautiful red cardinal was there, checking on me (was it you?) and I saw him chase away another red cardinal. I guess he was protecting his lady cardinal, eh? She must be preggo and is sitting on them eggs, eh? Every time I see a cardinal, I think of you. So much so, I got a red cardinal tattoo on my arm (oh great, is what you are thinking, I'm sure). I also have a traditional type tattoo of a heart with a dagger in it- no, it's just a heart. And in it, says "hindmost." Noone knows that's your nickname, but it's on my skin forever and ever. Today, I found a sticker in the dryer. I was wiping the dryer for MK- she is paranoid about cheap clothes and the dust they make. Anyhow, so I was wiping off the dryer and I came across one of those little sticker thingies that they cover you in, every time you went to the hospital. When MK was washing your hospital gowns, I bet one of those stickers came off your skin and attached onto the gown. And when the gown was in the dryer, it came off in the dryer. To think that little sticker was on your skin- and I found it today. It was such a wonderful thing. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, if that makes any sense. I put the sticker on the corner of your picture frame- you know, the picture that is in your room... the picture I talk to all the time. I better tell MK about it so she doesn't think it's trash. Knowing her, she would discard it. Anyhow, I miss you so much- I feel like a broken record, and I don't just say it- to say it. I feel it every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I would give anything to see you, to touch you, to talk to you- for just one more minute. I would tell you how much I love you. I didn't know you were dying right in front of me when you were. I feel like a stupid idiot. I should have done more. I love you so much, Dad. I hate myself for not taking advantage of every single time you asked me to hang out with you. You understood why I said no. You understood how jealous MK would get if I went off to the movies with you. You always got it- and you never made me feel guilty about it. But now I wish I would have made my own decisions and chose to hang out with you instead of doing nothing- or walking around TJ Maxx with MK. What a waste of a life, eh? We still do it. But then again, I feel like my life is a complete waste without you in it. I have no more ambition to do anything with my life. I still try to be a decent Mom to Koi. But that's about it. I doubt I will accomplish anything in my lifetime, unlike you. I guess success skips a generation, right? Reading your obit, it just blows me away at how much you accomplished in your short time on this planet. You are a real American Hero. I love and miss you every day.
We didn't do much today. I overslept again b/c Koi kept me up until 3am. I had to return some hoodies at Marshalls (speaking of wasting ones life), because they made some funky dryer dust (which was why I was wiping down the dryer for MK). Anyhow, I first played outside with Koi. She wanted to roller skate with her new shoe wheels. They're called Razor Jetts Heel Wheels. I found them at Marshalls for $20. I hope I got a deal. Koi loves them. She walked around the block with them on. Then we came home and I ran the hose and filled up a few kiddie pools for her. I picked a lot of weeds, and I sprayed the porch- up high where all the cobwebs are (or were). I cleaned all the cobwebs, plus I sprayed vinegar on the porch- MK likes me to do that. She thinks it's a natural bug repellant. I cleaned the hornets nests that I sprayed yesterday. And so I wanted to finish it all up and I cleaned the porch ceiling- I think there was a birds nest on this ledge by the porch, too. I sprayed it and mud fell everywhere, which makes me think there used to be a nest there. I also picked lots of weeds and sprayed some of the plants. I get a lot done when Koi wants to play with the water πŸ™‚ MK was happy. Well, as happy as she gets. After playing outside, we went to Marshall's- I made the return and then found three cute shirts for Koi. Then we went to Texas Roadhouse- or Texas Steakhouse- I can't remember the name, but it's in Holly Springs. MK and I shared a sirloin and Koi ate- you guessed it- fries. We ate in the car- because we just feel comfortable doing that these days. I wish so much you were with us. Every time I have a meal that I think you would love- it makes me feel so guilty that you are not here. You should have been here. Your candle blew out long before your legend ever did (sorry I ripped that off from Elton John). I love you so much, Dad. I guess I'll lay down with Koi. It's 1:30am but it feels early. I hope I can get up early. I'd like to take Koi to a water park at some point- preferably this week. I can't tomorrow b/c I'm expecting all sorts of packages of stuff I need to return (sigh), but maybe later in the week I can take her. Wish me luck, eh? I love you so much, Dawg. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 9, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't think I've ever posted a picture of a garden, have I? I spent awhile this afternoon in the backyard, taking down a few wasps nests. I sprayed them earlier this week- some of them active, and some of them, not. Anyhow, after two torrential rains, I felt it safe to take them down with a broom. So I did. Koi watched me and kept me company. She's always my sidekick. I love her so much, and I know how much you loved her. You always will love her, and your love for her will never ever be forgotten. Today, MK and I took Koi (and us) to Elmo's Diner. It's a diner in Durham- there is also a location in Carrboro (but we went to the Durham one). It was pretty good. Koi ate fries, and I had a BLT. MK had a burger. Koi also had a huge slice of choco chip cheesecake, and she devoured ALL of it. Can you imagine? She dipped a lot of it with her fries, and then we boxed the rest up, and she finished it up in the car. When we got home, that is when I cleaned up the wasps nest. Koi also took a spin in her new wheels. I got her these wheels that you clip onto your shoes. I scored them at Marshall's (we did a bit of shopping after lunch, of course). She did fall and scrape her knee once, but she seems fine. She also went around the block in her Razor scooter. Amazon is the best. I returned her scooter from Target b/c it was too small. I was able to find an adult sized scooter on Amazon, and so I got if for her at a great price. She went around the block twice today- once in her shoe/wheels, and the second time on her scooter. She's getting really good on that thing! We came home, and MK is upset with me b/c I bought Koi a hoodie and it was made of cheap fabric that messed up her dryer (and the clothes she washed them with). Sigh! So I'll have to return that hoodie tomorrow, of course. I am going to try to take Koi to Wet N' Wild water park later this week- not tomorrow. I'm waiting for some water sandals to arrive in the mail on Tuesday, so I can't take her until my sandals come. I found some Chaco sandals- in a kids size 6, which is like a women's size 8. I found a pair for just $28, which is a steal, considering an adult pair is $100 and childrens' Chacos are $60. Yes, yes, I'm a millipede, I know it. You used to call me that. I miss you so much, Dad. I have thought about you all day today. I think about you so much. Perhaps I think about your more on the weekends, and I have no idea why. Actually, I think I think about you constantly, 24/7. It's just that our lives are slower on the weekend, so the pain is stronger on Saturdays and Sundays. So after we take Koi to a water park, the second place I want to take Koi is Arlington to visit you. I would like to do that the following week, but I will let you know once we firm up plans. We have to play it by ear for now. But I would like to plan a visit before Koi goes back to school on July 27th. I have no idea why Koi's first day of school is on a Friday, but it is. :/ I loathe year round schedules. But I digress. I'm watching the Princess Diana biography right now on YouTube. It's 2am- gosh I had no idea it was so late. We didn't get in the shower until 11pm, because I was cleaning out my closet and discarding clothes that are old or do not fit. MK buys me too many huge clothes- that just look ridiculous on me. I tossed a lot of them, because although I don't like to wear skin-tight clothing, I do want to wear clothes that look halfway decent on me.
Anyhow, you know I miss you. I have noone to talk to anymore- not like the way we used to talk. I miss you so. You were so close to me- you just "got" me and you always made me laugh. You were the only one who could really make me laugh. I'm going to lay down now, thinking about how you always made me laugh. Hopefully the good times will outweigh how much my heart aches for you. Sleep is the only escape I have from my heart breaking. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 9, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 8, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's late- 1:15am. I have no excuses tonight. We went to bed late-ish last night (1am) because Koi was sick. We slept in- until around 10am. She seems fine today. We skipped going to the pool b/c 1) she was sick last night and 2) it was raining in the morning and early afternoon. MK, of course, wanted steak today. She always wants to eat, and always makes me go out to get her something to eat. I had some money in my account (from all the returns I made), so I treated us all to Longhorn Steak House. I got Koi two orders of fries and cheesecake and me and MK split a sirloin and salad- and cream of potato soup. I think you would have loved the cream of potato soup. Soups remind me of you.You used to love that place Red Tomatoes- the soup and salad all-u-care-to-eat bar. It's no longer in Cary, but going there reminded me of you. You and I could never get our money's worth, but I did enjoy going with you. Their cornbread was okay, wasn't it? God, I miss you so much. I try to keep myself busy (mentally and physically) during the day so I don't think about my pain. But at night- I'm not busy, because I'm trying to unwind. And so I am always thinking about you and how much I miss you. It's so painful. It's unbearable most times. I feel like there were things I could have done to help prevent your stroke and even after your stroke, there were things I could have done that would have prolonged your life. I feel like I was lazy and made poor decisions. Sure, I visited you a lot and spent a lot of time with you. I'm grateful I was able to do that. MK watched Koi for me, and even though she didn't want to- and gave me grief about it- at the end of the day, she did it- because she knew I was going to see you no matter what. I remember sitting in your room at Duke, at UNC, at WakeMed. They all sucked. I especially remember sitting with you at the VA, because you stayed there so long. I regret keeping you that extra ten days. You were stable and able to come home about 2 weeks prior to your release, but fear and Surfer's Healing and using your hospitalization as a VA bargaining chip for them to get off their asses, is what kept you there that extra ten days. I thought you were going to live another decade and that would be the last time I would be able to take Koi to the beach, unless it was a much shortened beach trip with you (something I was also going to do with you this summer). So many plans I had that never came to fruition. I feel like such an idiot. I wasn't even there for you during the solar eclipse- something you would have loved. I brought you sunglasses, but I know those nurses didn't take you outside. I doubt they even opened up your blinds so you could see it. I am grateful, though- for what they did do. They knew I would always be there at night, so they kept you clean- at least they cleaned you right before I showed up. And I'm grateful to Betty who always shaved and groomed you. I regret not cutting you toenails. They all told me not to do it, so I kept waiting for Colleen, your home nurse to do it. Every time she was supposed to come, something would happen- like you'd be hospitalized briefly or some crap like that... and your toenails never did get clipped. That is what breaks my heart. They were so long, they were digging into your skin. What kind of home care is that? The last tender moment we had was that morning when I clipped your fingernails and scrubbed your hands. But I am sorry for being so tired- I left you around 4 or 5am to go and sleep in my bed. I woke up at 7am, though- but I'm sorry for leaving you so I could sleep. I shouldn't have. I think you called out for Nancy, but I just couldn't wake up and come. I was thinking about it today and I actually totaled your blue Subaru and also rear ended another car (in the blue Suub) from falling asleep behind the wheel. I must have been tired, plus, I was taking too many Benzos for my anxiety. I've weaned myself to just once a day, but still. It does help a lot with me not falling asleep. I wish I could have weaned myself when you were here. I would have had more energy. I still fall asleep during the day, though. I think it's because of that other stuff I take. Anyhow, I suppose I should get Koi to bed. I could go on and on (and on) on how I really failed you as your daughter. But I want you to know that I didn't do anything bad intentionally. It was just pure stupidity and perhaps some laziness and/or tiredness and/or avoidance of my feelings. I'm so sorry. I have to live with my mistakes. I hate myself for them. But I love you so much. I want you know that despite my mistakes, I love you more than life itself. I love you to the moon and back. And I would do anything- and give up my own life- to bring you back. I love you, Dad. I miss you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 8, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's "early" in the Owen household- only 11:30pm. Koi and I got all ready for bed about an hour ago, but she had a "tummy ache" which, of course, only really means one thing these days (she's about to have volcanic diarrhea). So, I got her all ready, she sat in her room on a towel, and delivered the goods. I put her in the tub again and got rid of the toxic waste. However, she still has a tummy ache and she isn't going to bed- which means I'm not going to bed. She's on MK's RH couch, so I am watching her like a hawk, making sure she doesn't accidentally poo on it. My guess, and I hope I'm right, is that she'll make a b-line for her room and do her business there. I hope so. All this pooping makes me think of you- because you were so ill during the last few months of your life (although I knew you were sick, I still thought you were healthy enough to live longer- much longer). Anyhow, your g tube and tube feedings just weren't working well- you'd poop out most of your tube feeds all night and in the morning. I pray to God I didn't shame you or make you feel shameful as a result of my crankiness and fatigue. Because I was tired, but I was never EVER angry with you- ever. MK used to lash out at you, but you know that's how she is. She lashes out at me most evenings. She thinks of the meanest thing she can say, you know, the meanest, most hurtful language- and then she says it. She does this to me almost every night. And that's what she did with you, too. I know she felt guilty about it, because as soon as you passed away, she looked at me and said "we tried our best, we did- we didn't do anything wrong." And she said it in a way that was filled with guilt- she knew she mistreated you and was mean to you. I know she was always like that with both you and me- but to do that when someone is vulnerable is truly an evil thing to do. She is sick- like sick in the head. I pity her, I do. But I hope you did not internalize any of her mean language or whatever it is she said during one of the many volcanic poops you had. Because none of it was your fault. If anything, why did the doctors prescribe you that lousy liquid food. It was dogsh**. I'm so angry with them. But enough about poop. I feel like I live it, I constantly clean it, smell it, and smell like it. If you believe in reincarnation, I sometimes wonder if I was an assho** in a previous life and now I am being punished for it. No joke. Oh thanks for reminding me. I saw a book a girl was reading at the pool today- it was a sequel to some book called "proof that there is heaven" and it was written by a physician (and skeptic). I want to find it on Amazon and read it. Because although I do believe in an afterlife, sometimes I am skeptical, and I constantly have to correct myself and tell myself that I must have that blind faith if God is going to see and hear me. I'm a work in progress, but I want to be going in the right direction.

I must have fallen asleep, because here it is- 1am and two sh**s later. I think Koi is feeling better. She had volcanic diarrhea twice since I wrote the first part of this post. She seems to be feeling better. She's jumping on the bed, flapping her arms, and being her old self again. "I not feel sick anymore" is always what you want to hear. Of course, MK is full of blame, like she always is. You can almost cue it, right? She first blamed the food, and then the pool water. Why stop at the pool water? May as well blame the pool and the fact that Koi and I sat in the car for an hour when the pool was closed. We waited for an hour in the car, hoping the pool would open again. To MK, that is stupid and of course, anything she doesn't like is, of course, GOT to be the reason for the diarrhea. She's so predictable, it's almost comical. She always looks for things she doesn't like, which is soooo easy to find when it comes to me and the choices I make. And then, when something happens- even if it's random, like having the runs- the somehow links my choices with Koi's illness. She's SO convincing, that I almost believe it. I do. You do, too! We both internalize her craziness and believe it to be reality. I don't know how I'm able to step outside the insanity and see how crazy she truly is. Maybe it's social media, who knows. It's something. Anyhow, she's nuts, and whatever. On that note, I guess I'll lay down with Koi for now. It's 1am, so I better try to catch some zzzz's. How much you wanna bet MK will not let me go to the pool with Koi tomorrow? Yup. I'm sure of it. I'll have to battle her just to get two hours. It's so draining and unnecessarily stressful living with her. Thanks for letting me vent (not that you had a choice), and as always, I love you infinitely. I miss you so much, it hurts. I have a gaping hole in my heart that will never ever be filled or complete again. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 6, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 5, 2018
Okay, I'm back. Koi is out of the tub, dressed in pj's and is jumping on the bed :/ That's my Koi. She's your Koi, too. You two had such a special relationship. It's beginning to dawn on her that you're not here. She keeps watching that Jakers! episode where Dannen the Duck can't dance- "just like your Grandfather...." And she watches it over and over- and over- and laughs and laughs- and laughs. She never took interest in that episode before. But she knows. I know it. I'm sad for her. And I'm really sad for you. I know you wanted to watch her grow up more. You wanted to see her into adulthood. But you are looking down on her. And she's gonna be okay. I'm going to be with her until I join you. And she will be okay.
I miss you, Dad. I'd give anything just to hold your hand one last time. You were always so cold- I would have turned the heat on more for you. Anything for you. I love looking at your old childhood pictures. You were such a cute, mischievous looking kid πŸ˜‰ Yep. Some things never change, right?
I'm going to put myself to sleep, as sleep is often my only means for escape. It's the only way I can relieve myself of the pain- all pain. Sleep is indeed a luxury, and I don't take it for granted. Even if I don't get eight hours sleeping with Koi, I still get a lot more than I used to. So I'm definitely not complaining. And I promise I wasn't complaining about you. I feel like shit for even giving you a bad time. I'm so sorry. I hope you will forgive me someday. I know you already have. You're such a kindhearted soul- I know you bear no grudges on me, no matter how badly I screwed up with you. But still, I wish I had gone through with the name change. Oh well, at least I did go through another "legal" change of my name, w/o having to personally go to court. Whew. Oh but I digress into nothing. I'm going to try to sleep. I love you fo much, Dawg. Love you to the moon and back, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 5, 2018
Hi, Dad. Isn't this statue at Andrews AFB? I remember seeing it- or a copy of it- at one of the BX's we used to go to. I have so many memories as a kid shopping at the BX with you and MK. So many good times. I miss those times so much. If only I could go back for just a day. Just a day. I miss you so much, Dad. I've been emailing Nancy back and forth. She's doing all right. We're talking about religion and having blind faith. You used to tell me that if I had the faith of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain. I know, I know- it's a quote from the Bible. You were so smart. The last of the Renaissance Men, that's for sure. I don't think a minute goes by each day where I don't think of you. Nancy tells me that I should be happy and move on, because no parents wants their child to live in misery. But you see, I know you don't want me to suffer. But I can't just move on. I'll never move on. I'll always have so many regrets with the way I handled your health care during your last year- what I did and didn't do. I'll always have regrets about not giving you enough quality time. I know it's too late now. "coulda shoulda woulda" is what you would say. But it's true. I have so many regrets.
I took Koi to the pool today. Surprisingly, it was full of the Bud Light/trash crowd. Ugh. Why don't they go back to work, right? They stink and clog up the pool with their filth. Sorry, but I hate the way the neighborhood is going. There's always like one or two families who bring in fifteen family members, they order a dozen pizzas, they're all fat- their kids are fat, and they speak a foreign language, like, really loud. I know, I'm gonna burn in hell. I'm an asshole. It's just annoying. You're only supposed to bring in four guests, but the Guards don't enforce shit this year. They let short kids go down the slide, and they let people who aren't legit come in with way too many guests. I wonder if I should stir the pot yet again and bring up the guest limit. Maybe. I'm a jerk. I actually abiding by those rules- I don't invite my friend Angie and her five sons b/c of that rule. BTW you always liked Angie and we're back to being friends again. We had a brief (few year) hiatus but we're back to talking, which is nice. Don't worry, I can't hang out with her or do anything with her like a real friend- MK won't let it. I mean I can just talk to her over Facebook. That's the extent of all my friendships.
Hold on- Koi wants to get out. BRB.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 5, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's 4th of July. Whee. The pool had a party, so that's what Koi and I did today. It wasn't too bad. There were five food trucks and Kumar- who is in charge of the pool social gatherings this year, actually ordered a pepperoni pizza just for Koi. During the last party, he asked me if the HOA could make any improvements, and the only thing I could think of was to make pizza available b/c that's all Koi eats. He actually ordered from Pizza Hut just for Koi- and all the other "families" kept asking me where we got the pizza. Hah. It was just for Koi, a'holes! Lol. Just for Koi. I thought that was really kind and awesome. Koi gobbled most of it, and I had a lousy cheeseburger from one of the food trucks.
It feels late, but it's "only" 11:30. I wasted an hour just now cleaning my ears/earrings. I may sell some of my jewelry. I do this every now and again not b/c I need the money, but because I don't like to accumulate earrings and rings I don't wear. I can't find the ring you bought me from Central America over thirty years ago- I swear I did not sell it. But ever since you returned from the VA Hospital last August- I took it off, and I can't find it ever since. I only wore the ring when you were in the Hospital and I told myself, just like your mancave desk light, I wouldn't turn it off/take it off, until you came home. Now, I always leave one light on in your room- not the desk light but the one on your bachelor's chest. To me, it signifies that a part of you is still in that room. Your scent, your belongings, your important paperwork, old letters and photos. Did I tell you I found the old letters you saved from when you were overseas? You saved some letters that your parents wrote you. I only read a couple of them and in it, your Dad talks about being excited to meet Mia. You must have told them you were engaged to her, eh? You were always such a trailblazer and so avant garde. Anyhow, what was I saying? Your room- your mancave. I haven't touched it since you left us. I have straightened up the mail by organizing it into piles. But I also did that when you were still here. I put some of the important stuff in the tupperware, just like you always told me to. I know where everything important is- because I turned your room upside down last year looking for certain documents. I didn't wreck anything, not to worry. Your room is so disorganized, but I have no doubt you know where everything is. You have kept everything important and everything sentimental, and I love you for it. I went through a lot of your old pictures, too- you had a lot of pictures of your extended family and old pictures of you as a baby and young boy. You also had pictures of us back in Japan. And you also have pictures of us when I was a kid around 8 or 9 years old? They were pictures of Rehoboth Beach when we stayed at the OceANUS Motel πŸ˜‰ You kept old pictures of MK when she was so beautiful. I now see what you saw in her πŸ˜‰ She was stunning. You both made such a handsome couple.
I wrote your sister again today, and she wrote me back. I didn't get back to her yet- I may drop her a short note- just to say good night. She is doing well and spent the evening with Kim and her family. She made beans and brought cookies and Kim made hot dogs and corn on the cob. I know you would have loved that! Me too, actually πŸ˜‰
Today was much better than yesterday. Last night, I was in such a dark place- mostly because of MK. She was grouchy and she was in a dark place. She then takes that mood and basically verbally abuses me to the point where I feel suicidal. I hate her for it. But whatever. I'm not going to let her get me down. Today was fine b/c Koi and I were out of the house most of the day. Plus, she's in bed early, and that's all she cares about. I can hear her snoring away. Anyhow, it's now ten minutes to midnight and I can't believe it's not 2am like it was last night. We didn't go driving and looking for fireworks, but I was folding some clothes and I heard the explosions. So, I went outside and guess what? I could see fireworks on both the left side and the right side of our home- plus I heard fireworks way in the background as well. We live in an amazing area, that is for sure. I think the newer strip malls must have had fireworks shows or something. I called Koi and we watched just the very end of it. She wasn't too impressed and MK kind of scoffed at me for being so easily entertained. I can't help it- watching fireworks reminds me so much of you. Remember when we used to go to Ft. Belvoir to watch the "Cheapini" Brothers and their display? Remember when, one year, it all turned to shit and exploded on the ground? That was awesome. Remember the year (1979?) when you took me to see the Beach Boys at our Nation's Capital? I do. Today really reminds me of you, Dad. I know you hate it when people thank you for your service. But you gave your life for our country and how could I not think of you on this day? I miss you so much. It's really unbearable and I cannot think about it too much. You were such an amazing human being and the loss is just too much for me to handle. We were always close, but I feel like even though I was an asshole to you (being tired and cranky that is, but still no excuse), anyhow- I feel like we bonded even more during the last year of your life. Maybe it was just me. I feel like I should have done so much more. You believed in me, and I let you down so much. I hope you can forgive me. I would give anything to bring you back. I have to live with all the mistakes I made for the rest of my miserable life. I can't wait until I can join you one day in Heaven. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write tomorrow, ok? I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 4, 2018
Just a quick update. It's almost 3am πŸ™ But Koi went #2 and she's in the bed (showered too). I have to get up in 5 hours to go to a party, which is crazy to me. But I can do it. I hope she can too. MK will be grumpy as heck tomorrow, but what else is new. I love you so much. I cried for a little bit b/c I miss you, and Koi comforted me. She's one in a million. I love her and I love you both so much. Love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. I finally wrote Aunt Nance tonight. She emailed me yesterday when she returned from the beach with Kim, Kim's family, and their new dog, who she calls "Doggo" πŸ™‚ Anyhow, she feels sorry for me because I'm honest with her and tell her how much I miss you. I wish she wouldn't feel badly for me. I'm okay, really. I don't think there is anything wrong with missing someone terribly. Things just don't roll off my shoulders easily. You know that- I'm like you. <3 I miss you so very much, especially on the nights where MK is being her usual "self" that puts me down. She, again, tells me I should move out. These words are always told to me when it's late at night and Koi hasn't pooped, and she thinks I fail at being a mother b/c I don't put her on a strict enough schedule. I took her to the pool today and apparently I was supposed to be home at 5, but we stayed until 7. Whatever! I'm a middle aged woman, as you would say. Leave me alone. It's hard when you are still having to kowtow to your mother at my age. Like you said, that's why kids move out. I could move out, and then Koi's life would change so much. Like three years ago, I don't know how she would do with the transition. Granted, it wouldn't be as traumatic of a transition if it was just me and Koi and no extra abusive human involved. So maybe it's worth a second try. But between you and me, I don't think MK can take care of herself. Today I killed spiders that were living in three of the back windows, per her orders. I told her that you always said spiders were our friends and they eat bugs- so they're good to have around. They harm noone. But nope- she insisted I kill them, so I did :( And I saw three hornets nests up on the ceiling of the back porch and the top corners of the house. I told her that, like the Blums, you would have no idea about these hornets nests if I hadn't gone out and seen them. I immediately went to Walmart- twice- and bought wasp spray and killed those f'ers. She didn't thank me. Instead, tonight- she cursed me b/c it was the first time I had gone out to kill anything in over ten years. She is such a hypocrite. First she says that she can hire people to do all of that (but remember, you guys fired the Neuse), and that I'm suddenly a "know it all" because I went outside once. I never said I was a know-it-all, Dad. Sorry. I feel like I'm having a conversation with you (a one sided conversation) as if you were sitting right next to me. These are the times where I feel so sad, desperate, and alone. I start planning my move, and then tomorrow she'll act like nothing happened. Is she mentally ill or just cranky at night? Yes? Lol. That's what you would say "yes." I miss joking with you and having that common bond of living with someone who is, quite frankly, mentally ill. She doesn't live in this reality. She thinks she will be fine on her own. But she doesn't drive, doesn't know how to pay bills, doesn't understand how to pay bills- doesn't know what bills there are, sigh. I know understand why you felt like she was such a burden- financial burden- to you. I know you loved her very much and you felt an obligation to her- because you took your marriage vows seriously. Unlike my spouses- hah- what a joke. When the going gets tough- bye! Right? Not you, God. You were the complete opposite of who I chose to marry, that's for sure. They always say that daughters marry men like their Fathers, but I sure didn't. Maybe that was a rebel in me, who knows. I married bums, that's for sure. Looking back, I just cringe at my choices as to how I could have even entertained the thought of being with such losers. I'm talking about what a loser I am in life, but compared to the men I married, I'm like, perfect- hah. No joke.
Well, this has ended up being another ranting post because MK decided to scream at me just now. I gave Koi an enema, but she took it out of my hands and gave it to herself, which means? It's not gonna work. So I'll have to give it to her again- one more time. Wish me luck, ok? I may not get the chance to write you again tonight b/c it's so late (midnight) and we haven't even taken a shower. I have to get up early tomorrow so I can get a seat for the 4th of July "pool party." I don't even want to go anymore. These things- all they do is remind me of you and remind me of how much I miss you and how miserable my life is. Oh, we saw Morrisville fireworks today in the Walmart parking lot. I went in and got MK frozen food b/c she HAS to eat all the time. She can't even walk into Walmart anymore to get herself frozen spaghetti, and yet she thinks she can live by herself with no problem. I totally get why you never left her. And you didn't want the burden to fall on me, even though I used to tell you to go for it- go pursue your dreams and I would take care of her. The only regret I really have is the fact that you never had the chance to travel north and visit the gravesites of your ancestors. If you had been able to do that, well, maybe things would be different. I did want you to experience freedom and leave her- even if it was just for a little while. But you stayed- out of love, obligation, all of the above. I admire you so much, Dad. You embody what true character is in a man. I feel so lost without you. Sometimes I just don't know what I am going to do. And yes, MK has used me- she used me to get all her money and now she wants me out of the house. But it's okay, I'll be okay. Living on your own isn't that difficult. I mean, even the bums can do it. It's just that Koi's lifestyle will change drastically, and I didn't want that to happen until she was older. So maybe tomorrow MK will wake up and all will be well. It'll probably be so- as if nothing happened- yet again. I tell Dr. Patkar this all the time, and he just shrugs. He doesn't think it's a big deal- she's old and cranky and will never change. End of story. Well I guess I should give Koi enema #2 for #2 in a few. I love you to the moon and back. Wish me luck with #2 and tomorrow's pool party that I will loathe. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you infinitely. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 3, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. I just told Koi I'm going to write Grandpa and then come to bed. As usual, it's late- 1am. I didn't do much today. Koi hasn't wanted to go to the pool since Friday. I'm not sure why. Thursday, I think she may have been kicked in the head by someone swimming by her. But I'm not sure. I was in the pool with her, and I saw her rubbing her head, as if she was kicked. I just don't know. So we have been getting creative around the house. I took her to a splash park on Sunday (yesterday) which was just ok. On Saturday, I think we did nothing, except get out of the house to do some shopping. Today, we did nothing except run some of (my) errands. We did get some sno cones and she did get some fries- both today and yesterday, we got her Longhorn Steakhouse fries. She seems to like those. We decided to take a break from Chick Fil A and from Brixx pizza. I think Brixx pizza actually made her sick the other day. So anyhow, we haven't been doing much. She has asked me to take her to a waterpark, so I plan on doing that after the 4th of July. I'm not sure what day, though- probably the week after the 4th. We shall see. Sometimes she'll say "no water park" and other times she'll fixate on it. Right now, she has her head buried in teh blankets and I hope she's ok. She has been going through a lot of emotions lately, and I am not sure why. Could it be hormonal? I'm not sure. I think she's ok.
I miss you, Dad. I miss you so much. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss you- day and night, I never get tired of thinking about you and wishing you were still here. I received a letter/email from Aunt Nance. I haven't written her back. I start to write her back, but I just got sidetracked. I will definitely finish up my email to her tomorrow. I want to sound coherent, and at 1am, I'm not incredibly coherent. I almost called Aunt Nancy Meghan Markle (Prince Harry's new wife- I'm sure you'd have an opinion on her!) Anyhow, I miss you so much. I also plan on visiting you this month, ok? I need to book a hotel and plan a day/date for the visit. Since Koi's vacation/track-out just started, we are moving slow with plans. Today was nice to actually do nothing. I did have a lot of stupid errands to run today- like going to Fed Ex to return something, plus pick up a rx and run back to Marshall's for a blazer I saw. I know, not a necessity, but important to me! πŸ™‚ I did get a blazer, so I'm a happy camper, more or less. It's the little things, right? I can't be happy with the big picture of my life- I can only find joy with the little bullshit moments of my life. The important, big picture items of my life are shit. My future is shit. My past is shit. But I have my memories of you- whether they were in good times or bad- all of my memories with you are good, and of course I will always cherish those. I'm sorry this email is going to be short yet another night. I promised you a longer email days/weeks ago. And today I literally did nothing. I went to the computer several times to compose an email to you, but one thing or the other just got in the way. Not a good excuse by any means, but I just want you to know that you *are* a priority to me, and when I can't concentrate, or if I am not in the right frame of mind, I will procrastinate writing you, thinking a better time will emerge. And then it becomes midnight or 1am and I'm exhausted (mentally, not physically) and when I go to write you, my mind is hallucinating and I make no sense. I blame the meds I take at night for the quasi-hallucinations. Anyhow, all I can manage to say is that I love you and I miss you. When I visit you, I hope I will not be at a loss for words. I pray I will be allowed to visit with you for a long time w/o MK nagging me to get going, etc. She has been horrible lately, which of course makes me ache for you all the more. She is in pain more and more these days, and so she takes this physical pain out on me- by making me feel emotional pain. She says really mean, horrible things to me- I wish she would stop. I don't know how to make it stop, because it's very up and down. Some days she is a peach and other days (mostly nights) she is a bear- and not a teddy bear. I know she's in a lot of pain, but I lack empathy when it comes to her. She deliberately tries to be hurtful- I have such a thick skin- and she is so irrational in her thinking- nothing she really says truly hurts me. On the other hand, everything you used to say- if it was even slightly disparaging, it would hurt me tremendously. I think I inherited my sensitivity from you. That's a wonderful thing. I love and miss you so very much. I'm going to lay down. I will write Nance tomorrow as soon as I wake up. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 2, 2018
This is part III of my scattered (and scatterbrained) post. Koi wanted me to cuddle with her- so of course I did. You always were so loving and kind to her. That's how people in our neighborhood always remembered you- you were always so gentle and loving with her- when it was either driving her around to appointments or bringing her chips or a pizza at the pool. You did so much for her. You went and got her breakfast every single day up until very recently. I still can't even comprehend how many days and years that was. You only stopped when you became ill. But you did until you couldn't any longer. I'm just so grateful for everything you did- not just what you did and what you gave, but who you were (and are) and what you taught (and continue to teach) me. Sometimes I wonder why I picked such assholes as partners when I had nothing but the best role model in my life. It's like I finally realize it. You taught me to respect and love myself- so why didn't I? You taught me never to settle, so why did I? You were- and continue to be- my everything. I miss you so much, Dawg. I would give anything to see you one more time, or just to hold your frail hand one more time. I miss you so much. I would give anything to turn back the time and drive to the VA to see you and spend the night with you. I miss you so much it hurts constantly- especially when MK is cranky and nasty to me (cough cough like tonight). I won't even go into how she picks and picks on me. You always understood what I went through, because you went through it tenfold. I'm sorry you never were able to make that pilgrimage to visit your ancestors up north. If I ever get the chance, I promise you I will do that for you, ok? It may be a long time from now if I'm still here- but if I am,I will go. It will be a journey to honor you. I hope you have a nice evening. Since Koi finally fell asleep, I suppose I'll join her. I don't want to sleep the day away, even though we are officially on summer break. I love you to the moon and back. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 2, 2018
I'm back. Well. I should clean the shower. Let me do that. But yeah- Sundays are particularly difficult, because as the week ends, I reflect on my life- and how it'll never be the same without you. I wish I did so much differently. The last gift you gave us- I cannot believe it sat here on top of the microwave for six months. That shows to go you how stupid we are- and how right you were about our incompetence. Anyhow, at least we did finally discover it- and I did my research. I realized it was not a scam, like I originally thought. And MK finally found what it was you left us. I looked up the name and saw it was related to OPM and that is how I knew it was legit. Then I looked at your document and saw it there- plain as day- staring at me in the face. Those are the days when I truly feel your presence. Those are the days when I know you are watching over me, and helping me get through the days. Those are the days when I am particularly grateful that you continue to be with me, you continue to guide me and watch over me.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 1, 2018
Hi Dad. I miss you more than ever tonight. It's Sunday night, and Sunday nights are particularly reflective. I think about you so much. I think about all the words I didn't say. All the gestures I didn't make. All the things I didn't do for you. I swear to God (and I hate saying that), but I thought you would be with us longer. I didn't want to completely put Koi on the backburner- especially after what I did a few years ago (and you know that). So I was trying my best to make you a priority and yet also make time for Koi. In my mind, you were still my #1 priority- but I did make time for Koi. I took her to the State Fair twice- and looking back, I shouldn't have- bc she didn't even want to go twice. I bought those stupid wristbands and I didn't want them to go to waste. But I left the house for far too long- and I left you with Mom, or in my mind, pure incompetence. But I am grateful for the conversations you had with her when I wasn't there. According to her, you both did have conversations where you expressed to her you weren't going to make it. The more I think about it- the more I realize that you realized how sick you were. I didn't think you knew. And I honestly didn't know. The doctors kept telling me you were very sick, but you had chronic conditions that could be managed for a very long long time. And I knew that. Had I realized your timeline, I would have done things so very different. I can't get that out of my mind.
Koi is coming out of the tub. More in a sec. xoxo
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sitting on your bed or "litter" as you used to call it, and I'm looking at our bears- Dawg and Kat Bear. They are made by the same company that Fritx the Mouse was made. I wonder where he is now πŸ™ I miss him, too- but I miss you more than anything. I can't believe it's July 1st. Koi woke up at 4am with a tummy ache. She had volcanic shit at 6am which caused the tossing of five large bathroom towels, countless wipes and plastic bags, and running the bath for her at 6:30am. Of course MK slept through the whole thing. She claims she was awake the whole time (yeah right), but that just makes her look worse- because that means she didn't bother to get up and help me out. Dealing with a shitplosion is hard work, and having help is definitely a huge help. When I was dumping the poop, it reminded me of the shitplosions you used to have bc you were being tube fed with all the wrong crap. I'm sorry for losing my patience with you so many times. It wasn't you. I was just tired. MK said some mean things, and I should have told her to shut the hell up. I stayed quiet, but that didn't mean I agreed with her. And I may have been mean to you with my "turn overs" and such, but you know that it was just me being tired (like I was this morning), and that I love you more than life itself. I would gladly sacrifice myself to bring you back in a heartbeat. I'm not just saying that. If there was any way to trade souls being gone from this world- and if that would bring you back, I would do it in a second. You wanted to live so much. And I hate how your body gave out. You didn't get the right therapies or medical interventions. Yes, you received plenty of medical interventions, but I believe many were unnecessary and the ones that were needed weren't given. Anyhow, enough negativity for now. But that was what I was thinking this morning. I'm just so sorry for not being kinder and more patient. That pretty much holds true for the last decade, too. I'm sorry I had such terrible ADD and never had the patience to listen to you. I am so very sorry. It's too late now, and like you always used to say, I do miss you now that you're gone. I miss you so much, it's indescribable.

Koi and I took the day off with the pool. Given she was sickish last night, we stayed in and she even skipped dinner. We got sno cones at Pelicans- which has moved down 55, but closer to the Target in Apex. The old Pelicans location is now an "Alli-Gators" which also sells sno cones. Go figure. The new Pelicans was pretty good and we'll definitely go back. I think of you when we get sno cones, because I know you loved them, too. I can't even drive by Skippers fish w/o thinking of you. Boy did you used to love that place. I brought it for you a few times, and once you ate a lot, but then you grew tired of it. Anyhow, everything around me reminds me of you. It's both wonderful and painful. I love you so much, Dawg. I know I promised I'd write more, but I really do promise to write more tomorrow. Please pray for sleep- I hope Koi sleeps throughout the night so I can too. It's a selfish thing to pray for, but I would just like to not feel sick when I wake up. I think we are going to take Koi to the water park this week (I know, I know). Have you ever been to Wet N' Wild? It's a shithole full of White trash and cigarette butts. But Koi likes it, so we'll go. I haven't taken her in almost six years, I think. Glenn used to take her, but he hasn't been around in almost five years. I don't remember. And we'll also try to go to the beach. But most importantly, we will visit you when Koi is not in school (which is now- for a month). I must plan the trip, so I just wanted to let you know we are going to visit you. I love you so much, Dawg. I promise to write tomorrow, or today, rather. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. MK broke the glass on Koi's (now hers) ipod. We got it fixed at a new CPR type of store for electronic devices. They take a military discount so they fixed it for her for only $67ish dollars. I bought her a new case, as the old one was shattered as well. I'm keeping it b/c I am sentimental, but she loves her new case- so much so, she has ordered me to order a spare on from Amazon lol. Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know. I love you, Dawg <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
July 1, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 30, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, Koi made it. She's now officially a seventh grader, I guess. Today was her last day and now she's tracked out for the summer (which is only one month). All I can think about is this time last year, you were here. I was going to the VA and seeing you twice a day, spending the nights with you. You had a couple of setbacks, because of catching hospital-borne illness. But you were on the mend. You were getting better. In June and July, you were doing quite well. It rips my heart into pieces to think a year ago you were getting better, and now? Well now, you're not here- with me. I'm being selfish, because I want you here, in this world- with me. I was telling you how I ran into two of your former nurses. They kept trying to reassure me that it was God's will, and you are no longer in pain. But I didn't think you were in pain. You weren't. They always asked you your pain level and it was always a 2. You had no pain, so why do they say you are no longer in pain. The thing I didn't understand... was in August- at the very end of your hospital stay, you became dependent on oxygen. That was so scary to me, and that, I believe, is what made you so fragile. I still don't understand why you became dependent on it. I feel like they lied to me left and right. You weren't in pain, and even though you were not mobile, you were doing well and getting better. They oxygen issue was what made you very ill at the end of August. It just enrages me to think about it. I miss you so much, Dad. I hate that I can't talk to you- I can't hug you or hold your hand. My life is so lonely without you. Yes, I have your many many memories, but I don't have you. I would sacrifice myself to bring you back. I think your presence in this world was far more valuable than mine. I know that's kind of a negative thing to say. But you always told me life ain't fair. And it's not. You didn't deserve this. You were young. The VA treated you as if you were old, but you were not. Your live was (and is) so valuable. I appreciate every time I've asked for a sign, you've given me one. I really cherish those. The most recent one. Wow. Was it stupidity on my part, or was it your magic? I think the latter. <3 I am falling asleep. I fell asleep on your bed, and now I am falling asleep on the floor of my bedroom. I get to sleep in tomorrow- yay :) I promise my notes will improve in quality and quantity once I get a decent night's sleep (tomorrow). I love you to the moon and back <3 And I miss you infinitely. I love you so very much, Dawg. I just keep going through the motions- for you. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 30, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. So I've ran into two nurses in two days. Two of your old nurses from the VA. MK and I ran into one nurse, whose name I can't spell or remember. I think she is from Trinidad. Or Barbados. Or Sierra Leon. No idea. But she used to call me "Jenny" and she was your nighttime nurse. I liked her a lot. She would always have you all clean and ready for bed by the time I got there. I didn't get there at night until around 10 or 11ish most nights. You would always be clean and ready for bed. Often, you would already be sleeping. I also ran into a nurse named "Shiny." She lives in our neighborhood somewhere, and I used to run into her at the pool. As I was leaving the pool with Koi today, I ran into her as well. Are these the signs you are giving me? They are full of positive advice and kind words. A part of me appreciates it, and then another part of me is deaf to it all. When I asked you for a sign, is this the sign you are giving me? Because I appreciate it, if it is. I also know about that "other" sign. MK found it, btw- right after I called them, she found it. What a maroon lol. Anyhow, she has it now and is all gums and teese. I don't know why, but i never even saw that other figure, as I was reading the survivopship info. Ugh! Sometimes I guess I just miss really important documents. I don't know. But when I read your survivorship document, I never ever saw it. When I looked at it today, there it was- in plain view. How could I have missed that. Words cannot express how much I miss you. Seeing your old nurses just makes me miss you more.

I'm falling asleep, Dad. I am afraid I have to write you tomorrow- again. I'm so sorry. Last day of school is tomorrow, though- yay. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 29, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 28, 2018
I'm back. Koi's on the bed, passed out again, buck nekked lol. Poor thing. I'm gonna have to wake her up one more time to get her pj's on her. We took a nap yesterday b/c it was raining, and it was the worst thing we could have done. She was up all friggin night last night. I was sleeping and MK comes into the room saying "where is Mommy? Why is Koi still up?!" And of course then I woke up. She commanded me to "put her to sleep" and I'm like "okay okay." As if I can control that kind of schizz. MK and I have not been getting along lately. Lots of locals have been either irritating and/or disrespectful to me/us when we go into their establishments, whether it's a grocery store or fast food- and MK blames me for getting too friendly with them. Wait just a minute, here. She was the one who befriended over half of these locals, saying "oh so and so is from Kansas, she's a good woman." MK won't own up to anything and sometimes it's just too much for me. She admits to nothing- she concedes to nothing. She'll never admit that I busted my butt working on paperwork for her pensions for months. Actually, she'll say "I SAID you worked everyday on that..." but she'll still threaten to kick me out. I feel like used toilet paper sometimes. That's how she makes me feel. Maybe I am. But whatever- I would do it agin because you have always told me that I should help my Mother when you are no longer here. Because I respect you and I want to honor your wishes, that is what I do, regardless how ugly and nasty she is to me. You know the only thing that makes her happy. And you sure know how to make her happy. You have done so much for her. As you would say "she's not worthy!" LOL! It's so true! She isn't! Neither am I! You are the most honorable, honest, kind, and caring human being I've ever known. I love you so much, Dawg. I will continue this tomorrow. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. Everytime I reach out to you and ask you for a sign, you give it to me. You know what you did- you know the latest sign you gave me. You're a wonderful soul, you are. I'm speechless. It was right in front of my nose this whole time, and yet I was reading it for the first time (or so it seemed). I wish I could go on and on- but guess what? Koi was up all night last night. I guess the nap wasn't a good thing. She did great during her field day, and we even went to the pool today after school. But she is sleeping in the tub right now- yep, in the tub. Don't worry, I'm right there- right beside her. And I'm going to wake her up and get her out right this very second. So I will continue this in just a few. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much it hurts so badly. xoxo TBC G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 28, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, I don't know where the day went. It's 2am! Koi and I did not go to the pool because it was raining all day. What we did was take a nap (yay) and it helped a LOT. That's probably why we are still up, eh? But still- we need to go to bed. Tomorrow, Koi's school is having their field day, so I've been trying to coordinate a "wet" and "dry" outfit for her- because I'm not going to be there to dress her. Plus, I was waiting for her to unko, which she did not do until midnight. I still don't know why it took us so long to get to this point. She didn't want to get out of the tub- she was playing with her Barneys and submarine. Anyhow, I just went into your room. I took an envelope to put Koi's Pelican's sno-cone money in for tomorrow. You were always prepared to take care of the family. And you did that by always having a supply of envelopes and stamps- where it was to pay bills, lawn people, or whatever. I'm still using your envelopes. Your bathroom is just how you left it- right down to the bar of soap that has not been touched since you last took a shower there, I'm guessing March 4th or 5th, 2017. Your shampoo is just how you left it- on the very top railing of the shower frame. Your lotions and stuff- well, I did rearrange a lot when you came home in August of last year. I had a lot of lotions for your dry skin, plus your regular toiletries that were still on hand. Your bed is nicely made- there is a nice comforter on it. I don't know if you were ever able to enjoy this comforter, or if it was something that MK bought you for when you returned from the hospital. I don't know. In any case, your bed is very comfortable, and I lay down on it all the time. You have two stuff bears who have magnetic paws. They are able to hug and hold hands all the time- all day, everyday. I named them "dawg" and "kat" bears πŸ™‚ They hug each other day and night- because I can't hug you. They are doing it for me. I miss you so much, and tonight it's especially painful. I don't know- maybe the rain reminds me of you. You always loved a rainy day. All me and MK could think of and say was "Dad would have loved this rain- I can just see him backing out the car from the garage to was it out). You left such a remarkable impression on everyone you met- and your family was no exception.

I hope Koi's teacher doesn't do a last minute call to get me to volunteer tomorrow. I offered to help out a few weeks ago, but I like advanced notice. Her new teacher this year is great, but I just like some advanced notice before I have to go into the school.

Anyhow, I just miss you so much. I love you so much. I love you to the moon and back! I will write again tomorrow- hopefully much earlier. As soon as I'm awake enough to sound coherent- is that a deal? Love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 27, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. What beautiful flowers someone sent you. Hm πŸ˜‰ I wonder who sent those πŸ˜‰
Well here we are again. 12:30 in the morning and Koi just fell asleep. She's snoring and it's so cute. We had a full day, which, of course, precluded me from writing, like I said I would πŸ™ I'm sorry. I had my nut doctor appt. today and Patkar was proud of me. I've cut back on the anxiety meds quite a bit. I'm no longer taking anti-depressants, and that other thing, well... I'm still taking that. I'm going to see a therapist starting in August. I decided to wait for the one who looks like she'd be a good fit with me. There was a therapist who called me and who could fit me in sooner. But she sounded like she needed a therapist herself. Lol! People don't know how to laugh at themselves sometimes. She talked a mile a minute, and I prefer a therapist who listens to me talk. Imagine that. I think we're okay for now. I'd rather just wait and find someone who asks me questions and teases out things about me, as opposed to a therapist who talks nonstop about random crap. You know what I mean.

Anyhow, after my appt., MK and I went to Chipolte and had some tacos. Then we went to Marshall's and got a few shirts- mostly for Koi. Then we went to another Marshall's (no idea why) and found nothing. And then we came home. Oh- before my nut doctos appt., I had to have my hair re-shaved, as the woman who cut it before the weekend missed a lot of areas. She didn't charge me for the do-over, but I did tip her well πŸ™‚ Then in between being busy, I also went grocery shopping in the morning. Whew. I just dozed off for a sec. Maybe I should join Koi in bed and maybe finish this note in the morning. I always say that, don't I? We went to the pool today and I guess it drained us pretty well today. We didn't get enough sleep last night, and I don't think we're gonna get enough sleep tonight as well. Oh well, right? I miss you so much. It was hard answering Patkar's questions today. He was asking some questions about you but I really could not focus. I don't want to think about it. I'm not making too much sense right now, so lemme say g'night to you. I'll write ya in the morning, ok> I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you so much. Love you Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 26, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 25, 2018
Hi again, Dad. You see? I had all these ideas that I would be writing you today, and as usual, I have no idea where the day went. I need to do better. I'm sorry. I didn't get Koi to the pool until 2pm- late today. We overslept until 10:20 or so. Then, I had to go and get MK some lunch- because if I don't do that, she'll be horrible to me both before I leave for the pool and when I get home. She's like a caged tiger. Anyhow, so I got her her gohan and by that time it was almost 1:30pm. It was kind of a good thing, though- because Koi had a major blowout, and thank goodness that happened at home and not at the pool. So we got to the pool late and MK demanded we come home at 5pm. But I didn't. We came home around 6:30 and then I took Koi for Brixx pizza. Anyhow, we came home and I've been putzing around but Koi unko'ed again- so it was a good thing I didn't get in the shower right away (again) lol. We took a shower and here it is- midnight again. But hey- at least it's not 2am, right? Koi wakes up at 7am, so I should put her to bed in a few. I have my nut doctor appt. tomorrow with Patkar, so that'll be fun. I need more pills. But I've cut down so much on the ativan- you'd be proud of me. I know you think it's all a bunch of bs, and you're right. It doesn't really even help me at all. It's more of a psychological comfort. That and the benzos in my system- I'm only taking them once a day now, but they're still in my system. I'm trying to make you proud. I'm also trying to visualize cutting down on the other thing, too. When I was going back and forth to the VA to see you, I was only taking that twice a day. But now I'm back up to three times a day. When I had a purpose, I didn't need it. But now? Without you, I don't have a purpose in life, so I don't see the point in cutting back with that. But I'll try eventually. Just cause. I love and miss you so much. Life isn't the same without you. I look at and talk to your picture everyday- multiple times a day. I miss you so much and I would give anything to talk to you again. I'd give anything to hold your hand again. You were such an important person in my life. I don't know if you ever knew that. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I hope I made up for it somewhat at times- when I had a good attitude about being with you and encouraging your recovery. But then there were other times- mostly when you came home in August- I wasn't so nice. I was under so much pressure to have you look healthy for your nurse. I just felt like I was always being judged on how good you looked (which equated to how good of care you were getting). I don't know. I don't mean to make any excuses- because looking back, I should have taken better care of you. I obsessed about appearances and I should have been advocating more for treatment and therapy. Damn me. I hate myself. I wish so much I would have done things differently. I'm so sorry, Dad. I hope you will find it in your heart one day to forgive me. But I don't think I ever will. I wish so much I could join you- and fly away with you. I miss you so much. You really are the most important person in my life. And I would give anything to be with you. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I promise I will write tomorrow. I promise. <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
Hi, Dad. Now I know why I don't write you in the mornings- life is chaotic, as you remember. Koi had a blowout, and I also had to get gohan for MK (and me too). I'm finally ready to take Koi to the pool and it's almost 2pm. So, I best get going b/c MK also wants us to come home early. We see. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write when I return. I love you so much, Dad. Just b/c I'm not writing doesn't mean I don't think about you every minute of every day. When I look at the sunshine, I know that's you behind it. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
p.s.s. I bleached my roots again tonight so I have yellow roots, white hair and a mohawk. You'd laugh so hard if you saw me. MK says I look like Kim Jong Un. I would post a picture, but nah. It's not for the faint of heart. I love you, Dad. I miss you. <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
Okay, so I'm just now realizing that the purple pair was only $37 and I thought it was vice versa- the blue pair was $37 and the purple pair was $40, but nope- the blue pair was $40. How is a past season color more expensive than a current color? Who knows. Oh well- what's done is done. I'm glad she got the blue pair (above). They will look so cute on her with all of her "Life is Good" colorful shirts. We have amassed a huge Life Is Good shirt collection for Koi, thanks to TJ Maxx. They are great shirts- and they are well made, cute, and colorful. They're only $12.99 each, so Koi has quite a few. She looks very cool, or "fresh" these days. I also got her a couple Adidas track jackets for the fall. She's stylin'! She's in middle school now, so she's gotta look good, right? I remember middle school- it was pure hell for me, so I hope she has a better experience than I did. Anyhow, I am still in your room, so let me just say good night. Sorry I spent the whole night talking about shoes. Sometimes it's just nice to be light hearted, I guess. I do miss you so much. I never stop thinking about you. Ever. I'm still in your room, so I guess I should kiss our bears good night and head over to my room. I love you so very much. There isn't a second that I don't think about you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I will write in the morning, I promise. I can't believe I forgot this morning. I think it's b/c I overslept. No excuses, but geez- I'm sorry. I promised I'd write you and I completely blanked. I love you so much- until tomorrow, ok? <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
She kept flip flopping over the green "two strap" and the blue pair. I kind of wanted her to pick the green b/c my Gosh, they're only $26! But I really love the turquoise pair, and I guess she did, too. She finally settled on the blue pair, but I noticed you don't get free shipping unless you spend $50. So I asked her if she wanted both pair and she immediately said "yes!" I love how she can answer questions now. You would be so proud of her. Anyhow, I'm in your man cave. Let me go to Koi's room and finish up my note to you, ok? I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, it's late, but not as late as last night. It's about 1:15 in the morning, so it's later than a school night, but not as late as last night. Koi and I went to the pool all day today, thanks to your wonderful sunshine. It was supposed to thunderstorm around 2 and 3pm, so I rushed us to the pool a little after 1pm. I had a difficult time getting going in the morning (because I had stayed up so late), plus I had to go to UPS and return stuff again (yes, shoes lol). Oh and I had to "feed" MK... you guessed it- gohan. I went and got us both Hibachi from Park West's Hibachi Blue. You and I went there once when it opened and we didn't like it. Lately, it's been good. Maybe our standards have dropped, I don't know. Anyhow, that's now our "go to" place for Hibachi these days. I got us steak and scallops hibachi plus extra rice and two spring rolls. We split the meal, but it's more than enough. I always feel bad not getting Koi anything. She eats snacks all day at the pool, and then we go out for dinner (usually pizza on the weekends and fries during the week). Anyhow, so we got to the pool around 1:15 or so, and I expected it to storm around 3pm. It got cloudy and it looked like a storm was coming in. But just like the last few days, out of nowhere, the beautiful sun comes peeking out and then shines bright for the rest of the day. I can't help but think of you- and it being your influence. I know you loved the pool when it wasn't crowded- and when it was sunny and warm. And when the water is warm, it's perfect. That's what it was today- perfect. The sun was out, the crowd wasn't bad, and the water was warm. Our pool gets crowded late at night- no idea why (I have a vague idea lol), but during the day, it's just not crowded. I'm not complaining at all!
I miss you so much, Dad. I always think of you. You used to always bring Koi pizza, too. I never gave you a piece. Back then, Koi would get upset at the littlest things. These days, she's still "Koi" but she has mellowed out a bit. If you were to bring her pizza now, she would let you have a piece πŸ™‚ I'm sorry it's too late, though. You're always on our minds, though. I can't even go to the pool without thinking about you. Everything here reminds me of you. It's going to be a tough decision about moving, Dad. Because we made a life here in Cary because it was due to your research and planning. But now you are in Arlington and I want to be closer to you. It's just so difficult for visits to be spontaneous and organic. We have to plan, and Koi now hates staying in a hotel :/ Anyhow, so that is for another day. I don't want to think about it right now.
Here is another random thing. I just ordered Koi two pair of sandals- for the summer and for school. She only has one more week of school, but since she goes to year-round school, she'll be back in the classroom at the end of July, poor thing. I saw some kids' Chaco sandals on sale at REI, so I asked her to choose her favorite color out of the three colors that are on sale. Well- the one pair was so cheap, I asked her if she wanted BOTH the blue and the green pair. She said "yes!" She is becoming a little woman, that is for sure. I'm happy to pass on my love of shoes to her lol. I think the young kids like Chacos these days- they're not loser sandals anymore. So I ended up getting her the green pair (her #2 choice) and the blue pair (her #1 choice). The green pair was only like $27 dollars! They are usually $60 (the kids- the adults are over $100 now). The blue pair (my favorite and I'm so glad she picked it) was "only" $40. It's all in the budget πŸ˜‰ I'll show you what she chose. I'm glad she didn't pick the purple pair- because the two pair she picked are past- season colors, which means there is a better chance that noone else will have them, right? I'll show you what she chose.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 23, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's super late tonight- no idea why. I've been just sitting around after my shower doing nothing. I'm too tired to go to bed- know what I mean? I know you do. Koi is wide awake on her bed, too. I'm sure we'll both end up sleeping in, which isn't exactly what I want to do. I miss you so much. I've just been thinking about where we were this time last year. Last year, you were here, and you were doing well. I never would have guessed or dreamt in my wildest dreams that you would not be here in a year. I don't know what happened. I knew you were sick, but I didn't think things could go so wrong so quickly. I really don't want to think about it, but I just force myself to. I panic when I really start to think about it. The whole thing seems surreal to me. I keep waiting to turn the corner and see you again. I really can't handle the fact that I won't see you again. But maybe I will see you in Heaven? I do believe- as you used to tell me, if I had the faith of a mustard seed... I could move mountains. I do believe. But isn't it normal to waiver in my Faith? I can only ask you, because noone else understands. I believe, I really do. But I worry, too. I look forward to seeing you again. MK said you crossed over, and you were afraid about not being able to cross over peacefully. MK says you both talked about it, but she doesn't go into details. It drives me crazy how she can't (won't) tell me exactly what you talked about. Were you scared? She implied to me you were. Why didn't you let me comfort you? Maybe you tried, and I wasn't there for you. Like the night- the last night- you spent on this earth. You woke up and told me. I did reassure you. But I didn't know what you meant. I thought you were having a panic attack. I get scared all the time, and I thought it was just one of those times. Your nurse says you were asking if anyone was coming- and you saw angels. She says she saw angels around our house for two weeks prior. She seems like such a skeptic, and yet she believes. She says that she saw angels around the house, and that is why she wasn't surprised. Also, when I ask her what you meant by "is anyone coming" you didn't in fact mean EMT's. Although, I thought this is what you meant- and I didn't call them fast enough. She says you saw angels and they were the ones coming for you. They were coming for you so they could walk with you. Did that happen? I do believe, I do. I think the angels grabbed you by the hand and took you away with them. Did you see us trying to revive you. Did you step out of your body and see what was going on? I hope so so so so much. I love you, Dawg. I know this is short, but tomorrow is Saturday and I promise to write you in the morning. I hope I do not sleep in too late! You know I'll end up taking Koi to the pool. That's what we do everyday. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you terribly. Love, G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 23, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 22, 2018
Hi Dad. I haven't posted a butterfly to your wall in awhile. I hope you have gone through your metamorphosis and as Nancy would say, God has given you a new body without pain or sorrow. I hope so so much. Sometimes I really do believe- I do. Yesterday it was supposed to rain w/o question. And yet, there was sunshine circling our pool for the entire afternoon. It rained everywhere but where we were swimming. I couldn't help but think you had something to do with that- because your love for Koi is without limits.

Sorry I had to take Koi out of the bath/shower and now she's finally in bed. It's now 12:30, my "usual" (late) time emailing you. I just went into your room and turned off a couple of lights. I always leave one light on. MK and I left on the one lamp that sits on your bachelor's chest, and we have never turned it off. When you first went to the hospital, we left that light on, and we were going to keep it on until you came home. After you came home, we just left the light on- because it was a good night life- nice and soft- not too bright and not too dim. We continue to leave the light on. It's a reminder of you- your light will never dim. You were a shining star in our hearts and minds. Today and tonight I am missing you so much. I always miss you, but tonight, if I think about it too much, I just get very emotional. I don't want to go to bed- I don't want to exist. I don't want to do anything w/o you. I was looking at pictures of you (us) from last year when you were in the hospital. I was trying to find an old picture of my feet (long story, but it's for a contest to win free sandals), and I knew by going into my instagram account and looking at old pictures, I may have a difficult time not getting upset. Everything reminds me of you, and pictures of course are going to remind me of you. You surprisingly looked really good last August when you were discharged. You looked good back in May, and then over the summer, you looked a bit frail and sickly, because you caught an infection and you also caught pneumonia. But by the time you came home, you were looking round in the face (a good thing) and just all around healthy. Once you got home, you lost more weight. I don't think I did a good job caring for you. I don't know. I don't know why you lost weight coming home. Was it because I didn't cook for you? MK tried in her (sad) way to "cook" "soup" for you. I remember she would "feed" you can soup with a few crackers. You, of course, had your tube feed, although you had a difficult time keeping that food in you- you would poo it out almost immediately. I don't know, Dad. I have so many regrets. Like why didn't I try harder? Why didn't the doctors try harder? I still have so much anger inside of me. I want them to be accountable for their lack of action. Their apathy. I hate them so much. I know it's not good to live with hate in your heart. I'm a work in progress. Like Aunt Nancy says, I just need to take that leap of faith and believe unconditionally. It's only then will I heal- if I leave all of my concerns and problems to God. Right now, I am keeping them to myself. I don't mind taking on my problems. After all, they're my problems, right? Why give them to someone else. But that's the only way I can heal, apparently. Maybe I don't want to heal. I don't think I do. I want to be miserable and tormented forever. I want to hate myself forever. I can still carry one, but why should I be at peace and content with myself? That's not going to happen.
Now I think I'm just going to try to hit the sack with Koi before she craps out w/o me, like last night. I'll write again tomorrow. I promise. Ah- my empty promises. I promise. Sigh. I don't know where the days go. I do nothing and yet I have no time. Go figure. I love you so much, Dawg. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you infinitely. I'd give anything to touch your hand again. To hold you. To hug you. To kiss your cheek. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 21, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 21, 2018
I'm baaaack. Koi's in bed, but wide awake (what else is new lol). I'm ready for bed, but I wanted to talk to you, just like I do at night. I was walking into your room and looking at all of the elixers and potions that are in your bathroom. I bought/got a lot of those toiletries back when I thought I was going to be your caregiver for ever and ever. I wish you would have told me what you told MK. You told MK that you didn't think you were going to make it this time. I know you didn't want to scare me. I know you wanted me to keep doing what I was doing- just to be myself. But I'm still in utter shock and despair that you are no longer here. It's really difficult for me to grasp. I don't think I ever will. I miss you so much, Dawg. And it's still surreal to me that you aren't here. I stare at your picture every day (especially the one where Koi has her head resting on your lap). I miss you so much, Dawg. I still can't believe that you're not coming back. But I will see you again. Maybe soon. I don't know. But I will see you again- I have faith in that. Is it "blind faith?" Maybe. Nancy was emailing me about having blind faith and taking that leap of faith. I'm getting there, but I don't always follow timelines, so anyhow.
Koi is laughing her butt off for some reason. She loves watching Jakers! especially the episode where Dannen can't dance, and everyone is laughing at her chanting "just like your grandfather." She watches that episode over and over. She never did before, but she does now. She loves it. I wonder if it's her way of connecting with you now. I don't know.

Anyhow, I'm afraid I have to cut my ramblings short yet again. Maybe it's a good thing. I tend to ramble way too much, you know? I was going to tell you something but I can't remember. I wrote an online review o the Funeral Home we used? Well I just received an email from Google saying that the picture I uploaded- the picture where they are carrying you off the horse-drawn carriage. Well, it's received over 500 views and "likes." Isn't that amazing? I think you are pretty amazing, Dad. You inspire me everyday. And I think that is a testament to your contribution to this Country and your life. I'm so very proud to call you *my* Father. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat

p.s. I know you had something to do with the storm not hitting us today. The one Life Guard heard thunder but he ignored it (maybe for Koi I don't know). Then, out of nowhere, the sun came out. It was supposed to storm and it didn't. Thank you. You truly *are* my Guardian Angel- and this sunshine picture I posted is to thank you for bringing the sunshine back out so Koi and I could swim and enjoy each others' company today. I love you to the moon and back. "Talk" to you tomorrow (today!) ok? Much love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 20, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well it's 11:15, not much of an improvement from last night, when I said I'd write you during the day. You know what I did after I dropped Koi off to school? Nada. Nothing. I had to run a few errands- UPS store for a return, Walmart to pick up a floatie I ordered for Koi (turtle floatie), and then to Harris Teeter to pick up a cake ("kek" as you would say lol) we ordered for Koi/ us for breakfast. That's about it. Then I came home around 10:00am and I fell asleep sitting up, in the chair I used to always sit in when you were home and staying in the living room (living room #2). The day that you died, you asked me what I was eating. I replied "a Jolly Rancher candy- you want one?" And you said "nah" with a smile on your face. God, if I only knew. But I won't go down this road again. Koi's still in the tub, and she just pulled the plug, so I may have to run. My room and the benjo is still a wreck b/c she was asking for toys I couldn't find- and so I had to tear apart a tupperware, searching for these dern sea creatures. Anyhow, I think I found them, but it looks like she wants out already. So let me continue this in just a few minutes. I'm sorry I have not written. I promised you, didn't I? Sigh πŸ™ Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 20, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 20, 2018
p.s. I did it! MK and I bought a new step ladder- it's a five step one, although it's cheap aluminum so it wobbles. I woke up MK so she could spot me (hold the ladder b/c I didn't want to break a leg). And I changed the smoke alarm battery and actually got it right the first time! I remember last year, it took me many tries to get it right b/c the ladder wasn't tall enough. This time our new, lighter (cheaper) ladder paid off- we ordered it from Amazon (your account). See how you continue to take care of us? Thank you so much, Dawg. I love you so much. I'm going to go to bed now. I love you SO much <3 Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 20, 2018
Hi, Dad. Here it is again- after midnight. I wasted a couple of hours tonight watching a riveting documentary about prostitution in New York around the 1990's. It was an HBO documentary and I was just mesmerized. It shows a totally other side of life that I have never had to endure. You've always protected me from the harsh realities of what it is like to be completely on your own with no safety net. MK said you told her, when I wasn't there, that you weren't gonna make it. And you were scared. Not of dying, but rather, you were scared about us- how we were going to make it without you. And now I realize how much you truly did- but you know what? You continue to help us with all of the planning and preparation you did throughout your life. You lived your life each day, preparing for the day you weren't going to be here. I don't think anyone plans as much as you did. I think you thought about it, and planned for it, each and every day. MK is doing fine, because of your preparation. I'm ok, but emotionally I'm not. You did everything to prepare MK financially and logistically- along with me... but I wasn't prepared of losing you as my emotional support system. I miss you so very much, Dawg. I feel so lost. I feel like my life has no meaning, and my heart is just empty. I just get through the days and here it is again, late at night. Koi actually fell asleep a few minutes ago on her own. I'm going to join her in a second, because I'm not sure if she still has testing (I didn't read her notebook from school). She still had her monthly "visitor" so we didn't go to the pool (TMI I know). I think we should be good to go tomorrow, but guess what? After not going to the pool for two days, it's supposed to storm tomorrow/today. I truly *am* Daughter of Last Duck! Raper's luck, right? I hope the thunder holds off so I can take Koi swimming for just a little bit. Fingers crossed. I wrote Nancy a little bit this morning, and I told her I would write her again- but I didn't. The night just got away from me. In addition to watching that documentary, I also had to drive all the way to Holly Springs (Marshall's) to return a hand pump (that inflates inflatables). It was completely busted. Speaking of busted. One of the smoke detectors has started chirping just now. It's 12:30am and I'm not sure if we even have a 9 Volt. I may try to change it. Or I may wait until tomorrow- depending on whether it stops. I'm sorry to do this again, but I have to cut this short yet another night, so I can see if we have batteries. See how you took care of everything? We *still* have not changed the water filter to the fridge. Can you believe that? I've changed all the light bulbs- inside and outside (the porch lights, too- that was quite the ordeal)... and I could have sworn I changed all the batteries to the smoke alarms, but I guess I missed this one. Sigh! I love and miss you so much, Dawg. I don't just miss how you took care of us. I miss you- YOU- as the wonderfully kind, caring, loving person you always will be. I miss talking to you and I miss joking with you. You were the only person who "got" me, and I just miss that connection. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write more tomorrow- I promise! Love you SO much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 20, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 19, 2018
Hi, Dad. As usual, I have no idea where the day went. I need to get Koi to bed, though, as she has testing tomorrow. I know it's not a big deal for her, but still- it's going to make her tired, poor thing. It's midnight now, so I promise I will write you tomorrow. I have talked about you so much today with MK, but I still have that horrible guilt about not calling 911 immediately. MK keeps telling me we did call and we were cleaning you first, but I feel as if I should have called sooner. I called too late, and so I can't stop dwelling on this. If I were you, I would be livid and I would hate me. Who am I to hold someone's life in my hands like that? MK keeps telling me that I did call- and it's not like we were sitting on the couch, talking about lunch. We were hovering over you, and I was told to first give you a breathing treatment before anything else. But I should have called first. I'm just going down that dark place again, so I'm going to say I love you, and I will write more in the morning, ok? I need to put Koi to sleep, but I want you to know that even though I may not write a lot, I am constantly thinking about you- constantly. I should have emailed Nance today, too. She doesn't think I believe in God. But I do. But I can't convince her, or I'll just sound stupid. Anyhow, so much on my mind, and I need to try to calm myself and rest. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Until tomorrow, ok? I love you and miss you so much, Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 19, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 18, 2018
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I miss you so much each and every day. I love you to the moon and back. I'm so lucky you were (and always will be) my Dad. You area always in my heart and always a part of me. You live on in the lives that you have touched. And you were a Father to Koi, too. You always put your family first, and you always took care of us and loved and supported us unconditionally. I'll never be the same again without you, but the memories I have of you keep me going. I try to keep busy each day and focus on "what would Dad have said" to everything that comes my way. You were a true trailblazer, and I will continue my life, always in your honor. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to carry on, but I will try my best and do what you would want me to do. I love you so much, Dad. I'd give anything for you to be here- but I will see you once again. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 18, 2018
You were such a sweet looking, yet mischievous, young lad πŸ™‚
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 18, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 18, 2018
1 file added to the tribute wall
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 18, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm back again, same time, same place. Actually, I'm sitting on my bedroom floor and Koi is in my bed lol. I took her to the rescheduled Memorial Day "party" at our (your) pool today. It's one of the worst days of the year b/c there is a free feedbag and people are like flies everywhere, trying to get free food and drink their Bud Light. Koi was amazing. I spent a good deal of time waiting three lines: the first one (Greek food) for me and fries for her. She couldn't eat those fries, so I waited a second line at a burger truck. She couldn't eat those fries, either. Then, I waited a third Mongolian BBQ truck line for MK. My (your) car was blocked in the parking lot b/c we parked in the parking lot (b/c we got there early), and so I ran the mandu home for MK and then I took Koi's scooter and scooted back to the pool. Koi was alone that whole time and she was great. She was resting in a chair, watching YouTube and she waited for me. Get this- by the time I did all of that, we only swam together for a little bit. At 3:30 pm they closed the pool because "the lan line was broken" and apparently it's a NC law that the pool has to be closed if the phone is broken. Welcome to the south (as you would say)! Can you believe that? Nevermind that everyone has a cell phone and all cell phones will dial 911 for free. What a bunch of horsecrap. Speaking of horse crap, Horses for Hope emailed me and after being on their waitlist for two long years, they now say she can be in a low functioning horse class. Bull! She's not low functioning, so I'm not having any of that. I'm asking for private lessons, if she's not eligible to be in the high functioning class. I "cc'ed" Glenn on it, so I think as long as I keep him in the loop, he'll pay for it. If not, well... maybe he'll at least pay for half.

Ah what a day. Plus, I've been emailing Nancy all day. If we email each other too much, she ends up saying something that hurts my feelings. Tonight? She kind of implied I wasn't a "true" believer in God and that's why I'm having such a hard time with your passing. Nothing like your Faith being challenged by your Aunt. Sigh. I know, I know. I don't think it's fair to say the reason why I feel like shit is because I'm not a true Christian. I think that's a load of crap, also. So it's been a lot of horse crap today, but Koi and I still had a nice day, despite it being a very painful day for me. I went into your room and I looked at a bunch of old pictures you had in a tupperware. Some were of your family from yesteryear. Some were of us in the 70's when we went to Rehoboth Beach. There is a picture of me going down the waterslide at the OceANUS Notel Motel at Rehoboth. Har! I am as big as the slide, and it looks dangerous as hell. Har! Those were the days, eh? I enjoyed looking through those pictures. Plus, I was looking through the ones of Japan- Tachikawa Air Base- where we used to live, plus some really old pictures of you and MK- when you were dating. You're right- before she became a mean old hag, MK was beautiful. I love old pictures, and I'm so glad you saved those. You also took some great pictures of me when you were younger- younger than me. I love how you bought yourself a camera and got into photography. You were very talented! I love all the pictures of me and MK from Japan. I wish there were more of you, but you did have a tripod, didn't you? There are some pics of you. πŸ™‚ You were always so handsome. πŸ™‚

I'm sorry I have not written you meaningfully over the last few days. I've been too drowsy to make any sense, and even tonight- it's midnight and tomorrow is Monday, so I should get Koi to bed. But I will continue to write you in pieces, ok? I will write you tomorrow, ok? I love you so much, and I miss you so much. I especially love the pictures of you when you were just a tike. You looked like a troublemaker- always πŸ˜‰ I love you to the moon and back. I will continue this shortened post tomorrow, ok? Love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 17, 2018
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are my Angel and I miss you so much. I'll write you a bit later, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 17, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. I think I was supposed to write you today, wasn't I? And I totally dropped the ball on that. I should have posted a basketball, eh? Lol. I dropped the ball b/c I was soooo tired last night, I promised I'd write you this morning. And of course forget b/c we woke up around 9:30 and I just couldn't get my butt in gear today. And of course even though I woke up "early" (9am) b/c Koi was kicking me all night plus I had to shomben. But anyhow, MK wanted to eat. So I woke up, put away a ton of clothes I bought this week (sorry), and then I went to Zebon Hibachi, which is so close to where we live. So close. I took Koi swimming, and despite waking up early, we didn't get there until around 1:30. We stayed until closing today- the day just flew by. Then, we went to Chick Fil A and Koi didn't eat very much. On our way out of the pool, they were setting up for "movie night" which means- you guessed it- free popcorn! I grabbed two, knowing you'd be proud πŸ˜‰ Koi gobbled those up in the car, which is why she just wasn't very hungry by the time we got to CFA. Oh well, right? Popcorn is probably better than CFA fries anyway, right? I'm falling asleep again. I took my meds and I can barely stay away, darnit. I posted a Father's Day card for you- because I know you would have had such a kick out of these dawgs in hot air balloons. They are right up there with dawgs playing pool πŸ˜‰ Anyhow, I also received a very lovely card from Aunt Nancy, wishing us the best. She quoted "Pap" and said "this day too shall pass." But it sure doesn't feel like it. I appreciate her thoughtfulness and kind gestures. You know I've weaned myself off most of the anxiety meds and the antidepressants. I only take one dose of the anxiety stuff plus that other stuff (noone's perfect, right?) Anyhow, I'm so tired right now, so whatever I have to say will probably make no sense. This is to be continued tomorrow- after I'm awake and am drinking coffee. Ugh, I'm so sorry. Plus, I emailed Nance, thanking her for the thoughtful card. She just emailed me back, so I should email her back as well. i'm sorry, I don't mean to slack. I know you understand- you always did. I wish so much I gave you more time. I don't think it was ever intentional, but now I have so many regrets. I love you to the moon and back and I miss you infinitely. No pill will ever take those feelings of loss and heartache away. I will write you tomorrow, on Father's Day. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2018
Happy Father's Day, Dawg. I know you'd get a kick out of this card. It's almost worth paying for (note I said *almost*) Blue Mountain Arts ain't free anymore! And I don't see the cat who does the splits anymore! But I had to post this card on your wall, even though I'm not able to send it without a "membership" (money). I love you to the moon and back.

https://www.bluemountain.com/ecards/fathers-day/up-up-and-away-famous-song-fathers-day/card-3468341
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2018
Hi, Dad. Here are some flowers for ya. I miss you so much. This weekend is Father's Day weekend, and I know it's stupid to have a day devoted to Fathers, when it's a 24/7 job. And it's not like we ever really celebrated Father's Day back in the day (did we?) I used to send you Blue Mountain Cards (back when they were free) and I loved that cat that used to do the splits and make a round circular motion with his "hands." You loved it, too. We had so many inside jokes and things that made us laugh together. You were really my BFF- back before there was such a thing as "BFF." You and I used to laugh and laugh so hard over things, whether they were social events or whatever. We'd laugh over certain "Mom-isms" too- like words that MK would incorporate into her vocabulary that didn't exist. She'd merge two words to come up with a new word. Examples would include "Blump" (plump and blimp) and "Rolling Valley Roll" (that isn't a mom-ism but she used to call the Rolling Valley Mall "Rolling Valley Roll." "Get one, get one free" (Buy one, get one free). "Hailey Milly" (Hailey Mills)... I guess I could think of a few more but I'll stop b/c I'm totally dozing off. I guess my evening med is kicking in and I'm doing the evening nod. Koi is slowly starting to doze off as well (I can hear her deep breathing and about to snore), and now it's already 12:30 which means I've only written a small paragraph in 30 minutes. Aw, Koi is asleep now. Poor thing. The lights are all on (I'm in my room) and she fell asleep waiting for me. I wanted to write a lot tonight and I thought I had tons to tell you. I guess my meds make me sleepy but that's ok- I will just tell you tomorrow. You're okay with that, right? Tomorrow is Saturday (or today rather) so I'm guessing we'll sleep in just a little it. I already promised Koi I'd take her swimming today, so hopefully the weather will cooperate. Today it was supposed to rain and thunder but it was hot hot hot and sunny (loved it). I love days like today, because I can actually get into the water and I'm not freezing cold. I've become you in my old age- always cold, especially when it comes time to get in the pool water. I still have film from my waterproof camera of you swimming in the ocean (Wrightsville Beach from about five years ago). You were such a good swimmer. I'm just so proud of you on so many levels. You are such an accomplished, kind and caring human being. I'm just so lucky to call you my Dad. I will continue this later today, ok? I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you infinitely, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 16, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 15, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's almost 1 in the morning, so, like last night, it's late. Last night we actually didn't get to bed until 2:30 in the morning! Anyhow, I'm aiming for 1 or 1:30am and even that late, at least it's an improvement, right? Koi and I get our second winds after our shower, so we are definitely night people. Anyhow, I miss you so much. Where do I begin? I can't say what I did but you know what I did. I got rid of some of your meds today and I'm trying not to think about it too much. I have a sentimental value attached to everything that was yours. But I figured that medicine is best not in the house, anyway. Plus, I have many other meds I can hold onto that were yours. Pills are pills, right? You took so many pills. The ones I was familiar with was during the last eight months of your life, or rather, the last two months of your life. It was hard crushing them up and putting them through the g tube. I don't know how you even remembered to take them yet alone know what they were for. You used to try to tell me about all the meds you took, and I'm sorry for not paying attention. If it's any consolation, I knew in the end exactly what you took, how much, and when. I knew more than you did. I tried to, at least. I never felt like I did a good job. I tried. But I don't feel as if I did a good job. I heard someone say "survivor's guilt" the other week, and that phrase kind of stuck with me. Maybe that is what I have. All I know is that I keep busy all day and when it's nighttime and I am alone with my thoughts- I want to die. But I used to tell you about my depression, and you always gave me good advice. You used to say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So well put. So I keep on, and I know I should feel better in the morning. I usually do. Actually, I am so tired in the mornings, it's all I can muster just to get out of bed, have coffee, and get ready to take Koi to school. She has only one more week left. I can't wait until she is out. She has a month off- I wish it was longer, though. Oh crap. I just looked at the calendar. She has two more weeks left. Ugh track 4 can suck it. Anyhow, she will be out in two weeks. In July, right before she goes back, I have a tattoo appt. to get a tiger on my left leg. It'll be the "antithesis" to the dragon that's on my right leg. I always knew I'd get a tiger and a dragon, symbolizing you and MK. I know you hate tattoos, but they make me feel better. To me, it's the best therapy. I always feel good about myself after I get one. My body image improves, and I actually gain confidence. So why not, right? I mean, if it makes me happy. And I'm not hurting anyone. I don't know how we got on this topic, but I did want to say that I just miss you so much. I think about you constantly- all day. Everything reminds me of you. Your sense of humor permeates my thought processes- so when I see something, "Dad mode" kicks in and I start thinking about how you would respond to _____ a situation. Oh, I also wanted to tell you that I paid my DC Bar dues for 2018. You always gladly paid my bar dues, even when I wasn't working. You always respected my credentials and you always supported me in maintaining my license, even when I didn't have a job. You were always so good to me. I hate that you won't be here for Father's Day, but you will be here in spirit. You're here everyday in spirit. I don't need a designated day to recognize everything you have done for this family. You are an amazing human and I just feel so honored to have known you my whole life. I'd give anything to see you just one more time- to hold your cold, frail hand, or to go to the movies with you. I wish I did all of those things more. God, I miss you so much. I'm going to lay down now, even though I could type and "talk" to you and go one and on (and on). I suppose I should try to get some sleep- and especially Koi, since she has school tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 15, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 14, 2018
Hi, Dad. I still can't believe you're gone. It's still surreal to me. I always thought you'd be around forever, even though I knew in reality you were not in good health, especially these last few years. Still, though- your life could have been prolonged had you been given the proper rehab and treatment. Anger, sadness, despair, disbelief- it's what I feel constantly, every minute of every day. Honestly I'm just not doing very well. You prepared me and MK for you not to be here since the 80's. But still, when the time came, I have never been so ill prepared. If it wasn't for Heather, well- I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I just paid my D.C. Bar dues, and I was looking over my old emails, trying to find the receipt for last year's dues. I'm in good standing and yet I have no email saying I paid. And they still have my old last name on file. WTH, right? So I wrote them a letter, attaching my divorce decree (again lol) and I also paid my dues for 2018. I have no record of 2017, but I know I must have paid. This is how out of it I was- I just can't remember if I paid or not. I guess I must have- because I'm in good standing. I went into your man cave and got another stamp, I hope that's okay. I used one of your letter-sized envelopes and I printed out a letter and a copy of my divorce decree. Good to go. It all reminds me of you. Just being in your office, touching your stapler, using your paper clips. It all reminds me of you. Oh, I did buy more printer ink for the printer. I guess I return a lot of stuff off of Amazon lol. This time, I actually bought ink off Amazon- I went to Target today and compared prices (it's the same). This time, I opted for the "XL" cartridge. It got bad reviews, but I'm going to give it a try b/c I'm lazy. It's supposed to last twice as long, but we'll see. Anyhow, I'm now using your Amazon account, even though I have one as well. I like using yours. I take comfort in receiving emails that are addressed to you. In a way, it keeps you alive, to me at least. I shop in your account, and it's like we're both shopping. I opened up your Starbuck's app today and noticed that you're not too far away from Gold Status. I remember when you used to have a Gold card and you were bumped down to the green card. You named your card "Fools Gold" and I just thought that was the coolest thing. I remember seeing it when you were still at the VA Hospital. You know what really breaks my heart? After your stroke- you stayed at the VA Hospital for so long, I'm not sure if you remembered your home. When you did finally come home, I don't think you were happy. You enjoyed the constant barage of people at the hospital. The thing is- is that the VA was the safest place for you to be, because there was a constant stream of "eyes" watching you. So MK and I really did our best to keep you there for as long as possible. Not because we didn't want you to come home (we did, although I was scared)... but because we took comfort in knowing you were being cared for by nurses. However, nursing homes are quite different. They are all sub par, and we didn't want you to go there. So as much as they pushed, we refused. Did we make the best decisions for you? Should we have brought you home sooner? Every time you would get better, you would catch an infection and have to stay months longer, it seemed. You went to rehab (in house) once, and they never let you back in. We fought and fought to get you back in. First they said it was your infection- it would take months to get medically cleared of it. So we waited months until you were medically cleared. Then they said it was your attitude- you didn't "want" therapy, which is just horseshit. I'm not finished with the folks at that rehab place. They have not heard the last from me. I'm waiting a little bit longer before I "reach out" to them. Because I need to get mentally stronger. But I am so angry with them. They need to acknowledge what they did. Sorry, I know my conversations always end up this way. It's always on my mind, so it just naturally leaks out of my pen, you know? I can't even remember my original point. Oh yeah. I wanted to ask you if you thought we made good decisions for you. I think taking you to the VA was a good decision. And you staying there for as long as you did was outside of our control minus the last two weeks. We kept you there an extra two weeks, so we would get all of your supplies asap. I was afraid if you were discharged, it would take forever to get supplies. Sure enough, I was right. Because although we got supplies, we sure didn't get any funding that was promised to us for home health nor did we get any rehab for you nor did you get home based health care. Something is so very wrong with the VA if a patient like yourself- a "level four" patient, died while on the waitlist for home based health care. Granted, Colleen the nurse did come once a week. But aside from her weekly visits, and you going to the hospital once a week to get your blood number, there was really nothing. I have so many unresolved feelings. So many. Most of them make me so angry. If you only knew. You were so laid back after your stroke, but did you know? I think you had moments of clarity where you knew exactly what was going on. But a good majority of the time, you rolled with the punches, and often you were confused. Not in a bad way. You always knew who I was and who MK was, and yo always asked for Nance. Colleen told me you thought it was around 1984, after she asked you a series of questions. However, you would call me with these "awakenings" and you would know exactly what had happened and what was going on. You were almost fearful over it. I don't think I did a good enough job reassuring you. But you know what I will always look back fondly on? Me driving to the VA to spend the nights with you. Even though MK didn't let me come until late- I am grateful she did let me go. Your second, two week, hospitalization... she didn't let me spend the night. But the five month hospitalization, she did. And I'll always be grateful for that. Even though half the time you were asleep by the time I got there, I loved coming to see you, putting on the t.v. and falling asleep in that recliner next to you. I miss you so much, Dawg. I'm going to put Koi to sleep and say good night to you (in your room). I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. There isn't a day/minute/second that doesn't go by without you on my mind. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Sunday will be the first Father's Day without you- but you are always in my heart (as cheesy as that sounds). I love you so much, Dawg. Love you so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 14, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 13, 2018
Hi, Dad. And thank you to whomever sent you those beautiful flowers online. You see? Someone, somewhere, is always thinking about you. It's me, and others- so... not just me. Am I making any sense? I'm tired, but I don't know why. It's only midnight, and I slept pretty well last night. I just snook (your word) a piece of sheet kek (cake) from the freezer (MK must have been hiding it lol). It was good b/c it was somewhat fresh. We order a sheet kek every ten days and we eat it for breakfast, Koi included. I think you would have really liked it. I know it's a bit too sweet for your diabetes, but still- better than nothing, right? I don't think I will ever eat pumpkin "punkin" bread again, because it reminds me too much of you. I miss you so very much, Dad. I am in so much pain and anguish, because I miss you so much. Tonight, I went through your wallet, just so I could be reminded of you. I looked over your signatures on your cards. You were in between one card and a license. I online ordered you a new license with your old picture- it probably was a picture from 2007, because you were still chubby. Anyhow, your license expired in September of last year, so I renewed it online. You also got a new credit card, but you never signed it. I have your old credit card still, the corners nipped off so I know it's the old one. I was living my life as if you were going to get better. I was planning and doing things for you until you were able to do them yourself. Christ, Koi is fake crying now and running up and down the hall. She was in her room laughing one minute, and now she's talking to herself in the hallway. She's going to wake MK up. Sigh.

Anyhow, I miss you. Going through your wallet just reopens that pain, but I do it anyway. I look at your desk, bills all piled. Paperwork organized according to who it's "from" etc. I haven't the heart to clean anything up. I'm, like, the opposite of your sister and Kim. They cleaned everything up that weekend, didn't they? They threw everything out and took down all pictures, didn't they? I don't know- it's not my business. But with you, your mancave is exactly how you left it. Well, it's how "we" left it, since I used it as a medical storage for awhile. I did throw out all evidence of not the Paw Dawg I knew most of my life. I tossed the pull ups and liquid food. I kept the meds, though. I tossed the syringes, just because those aren't safe to keep with Koi around. The insulin, that expired back in November, still sits in the refridgerator, next to two bottles of water that were yours. I told Nancy about them awhile ago, and of course she advised me to toss them. She means well, but sometimes her advice is harsh. She says things that are mean, but she doesn't mean to. I have not emailed her in weeks. I guess she's been busy with Drew's graduation from high school. Both boys are going to Ole Miss next year, so Kim will move both of them in around August. I think Nancy and Kim were talking about coming back to NC for a visit. I think Nancy wants to see Mary Lou- is that her name? And I'm hoping they'll stop by here. Maybe we'll meet at the beach. We were supposed to do all of this with you this year. She was going to come and I was going to take us all to the beach. I didn't care you were on oxygen. We still could have done it. I didn't know. Noone f'ing told me you were dying. I hate them. I hate them all. The doctors- the nurses who knew but didn't tell me. I hate them. So much hate.
I'm sorry, but if anyone understands anger, it's you. I know you get it, because you're the only one who gets me. I miss my best friend so much. I'm sorry I was such an asshole to you, Dad. I know that's just kind of the way our family is. But I wish I was nicer to you. I wish I was kind. I wish I gave you more time. I wish I made more time. I knew I would never get that time again, but still I didn't do it. I saved and categorized all of your emails years ago, because I didn't always have time to read everything you sent me. And then my ex-asshole #2 drowned my computer and all was lost. Sorta. It's somewhere. But now my email doesn't have the many subcategories I made before. I saved your emails, but they're all in one giant mass of mess. But I have them. And I am going to reread them all one day. I just can't right now. It's just too painful.
I paid all the bills. I went ahead and paid the entire credit card bill, despite MK telling me to only pay the balance. I got tired of seeing a huge balance, so now it's nil. Now we can start to not shop so much and save. We are saving, but I want to be more frugal. We did go shopping today (oops), but the two places we went to- under $50 for both, so that's ok, right? Last month we shopped too much. And then the air con broke and batteries ain't cheap. Things break. I switched lawn guys. The new guy charges half of what we were paying, and MK is happy. I even have a back up guy who also charges half. I'm trying. I want to make you proud.

CBC called today "worried" about me. They don't know I switched back to Patkar. I suppose I should tell them. That's what they get for not calling me back and threatening me if I didn't stick with their crappy therapist. She's leaving now, did you know? I guess her suckiness caught up with her. The doctor, she called me and told me she was leaving, too lol. But it's too late. I've already switched back to Patkar. What can I do- diss him and go back? I can't do that. Such is life. I guess I jumped the gun too much, but I panicked. Her flunkee called me and said I would be dropped from the program unless I saw their crap therapist. So I found another doctor- my old doctor. He's kind of arrogant, but I think he means well. He pushes me to wean myself off meds by guilt and shame- two things I know well lol! It's working. I've weaned myself off most of the lorazapam for my anxiety. most of it- not all. But I still take that other stuff. I don't want to say unless some crazy is reading this. I don't plan on weaning myself off that for awhile. I just can't. Patkar may drop me if I don't improve consistently. I think he's more concerned about his numbers over my pain lol. I don't know. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But I may be dropped, and them maybe I will go back to CBC. Hopefully I can leave on good terms.

I miss you so much. I like spending time in your room, but I haven't had the chance to do so lately. I've been busy doing nothing, right? And now, I better go to my room and put Koi to bed, since it's 12:30 now. I want her to not be exhausted tomorrow. It's been cloudy and cold this week. I hope it gets warm for the weekend. I promised you I was going to visit for Father's Day, but MK wants me to visit when Koi is out of school. Can you hang on for one more week? Actually two? Koi is out of school at the end of June. I want to visit you then. Is that ok? I had plans to visit on Father's Day, but MK thinks it's best if I visit when Koi is out of school. I had planned on going myself/alone, but MK invited herself and Koi. I suppose that's ok. She keeps telling me who I can tell and who I can't tell about where you are buried. But you're my Father. You are so special to me, and she talks as if she has all the rights to you. She doesn't. But I won't remind her that I am closer to you than she is- genetically, emotionally, everything. So I'll stop chattering. I went to Smithfield's again today and heard some more 50's music, which always reminds me of you. I also heard Roy Orbison, which also reminds me of you. So much reminds me of you. It's a good thing, but I also feel such pain because I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I love you so much. You are the Best Dad in the Universe. Until tomorrow- I love you to eternity. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 13, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
p.s. thank you so much for the flowers- whoever sent them to you. We love you <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. You were much like this Teddy Bear... so loving and kind. You may have spoken truth to power back in the day, but at home you were a kind, gentle soul. I miss you so much, you have no idea. I feel so horrible all the times I seemingly brushed you off to do other things. I wish I would have made our time more of a priority. On the one hand I did, but on the other hand, you knew the "pressures" I had. I always felt like I was in the middle of you and MK. The only difference between the two of you was that you were realistic and you understood the predicament I was in. If I chose to hang out with you over MK, she'd get butt hurt. Like the few times I chose to go to the movies with you, she would throw such a passive aggressive fit over it. It was just easier to go out with her all the time and tell you I would rather go shopping. I think a few times I told you the truth- how I felt compelled to hang out with MK over you when Koi was in school. I'm sorry. I wish I would have chosen you. I knew you were sick. I knew you had less time on this earth, and yet I chose to hang out with MK. I know any person reading this would think I am so crazy for writing such a thing. But it's an only child thing, I think. You always feel in the middle of your parents. I know you understood me, Dad. You always did. You would always say "I don't care" with a smile or "I know, I know- go shopping with MK- she needs you more." And you always let me off the hook. I so appreciated it. But there were times where I actually would have preferred to hang out with you. That's why the few times I drove you to the doctor, we always had lunch afterwards. Even me telling MK about it made her so jealous. God, she's so immature. Anyhow. I enjoyed the one time we went to the French restaurant after your ablation procedure. Little did I know going to Cary Cardiology would be the beginning of the end for us. I hate them. I thought they were helping you. They told us that you should invest in your health and get a pacemaker. They had no skin in the game, eh? Yeah right. I wonder if you would have had that stroke had you not had the pacemaker. You never felt good after your pacemaker procedure. So I think not. I think they caused your stroke. And your stroke caused you to lose mobility. And losing mobility eventually caused your downfall. That's the truth, despite what people say. I've asked doctors and they all say "no, his chronic conditions caused the stroke." Yeah, right. You always taught me to question everything and to be a skeptic. I think they're all in cahoots. You can't trust any of them. Apparently "anger" is a stage of grieving, but I am always angry. And I will always blame them- and the VA- for your passing. The VA had a responsibility to rehabilitate you and they failed to do so. I don't think the anger I feel is a "stage" at all. But again, you can't say that to people or else they just roll their eyes, right?

I didn't do anything today. We dropped off Koi and I had to return the second floor fan we bought. Then, I turned around about bought three more fans- two $13 Honeywell fans (they're really nice) and I guess that's it. So we have a total of three Honeywell fans and one floor fan that's quite cheap but looks ok. That's what I wanted to say. I wanted to thank you for taking care of us YET AGAIN and getting that contract with Delta Air and Heating. Remember when you were in the Hospital, they kept calling and calling. You had purchased a contract with them that includes two visits. Well we used one visit but we still had another visit on the contract. They wanted us to use that visit, but of course, we were much too consumed to even think about air or heat, right? Until yesterday when the air con broke. So I called them today and they told us you had purchased the service plan and we were still entitled to another visit. Thanks to you, yet again. You continue to help us, even when you are not here. So "Fred" came today- yes today- and installed a new battery. That cost a whopping $180, but that's ok. He actually put in a "60" and had to come back later in the day to install a "70" battery. He was good. And I can't believe they came same day. I accidentally called Yellow Dot, thinking your contract was with them. They said they wouldn't be able to come until Wednesday, and they had no record of you. MK kept insisting she didn't think it was Yellow Dot. So I actually looked at your phone- because I knew the Heating/Cooling people called you all the time last year. Low and behold, I saw "Delta" in your "missed calls" file and that's how I "deduced" the contract was with Delta. I so smart πŸ˜‰ Anyhow, thank you, Dad. Thank you for taking care of us yet again. We have air con now, and it's all thanks to you.

Koi is finally in bed. It's 11:20, which you know is early for us. I'm going to join her and see if we can't go to bed early tonight. It's still only Monday so she has four more days this week, and next week- and then she's out for the summer (yay). Can you believe she is going into seventh grade next year? Neither can I. I wish so much you were able to see her grow up more. I know she misses you a lot. She obsessively watches that Jakers! episode "Just like your Grandfather" and she chants it over and over. I know she misses you- in her own way, as you would say.

I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I am so lost without you. I don't know what to do. So I just go to bed and pray for sleep. Or death. One of them. So far, it's been sleep that takes over, and I am usually able to function by the morning. I just focus on the things I need to get done. I take baby steps in life now. And if you put them together, you can add them up to a full day. My days are long and they are longer now without you. I really feel as if my existence has zero meaning now that you aren't here. You were the only person who "got" me and you will always be the only person who got me. I heard "Country Roads" play this morning at Walmart, and of course I thought of you. I went into Smithfield's Chicken (for MK of course) and they are always playing 50's music, which was "your era" of music. Every song reminds me of you. I can picture you singing along to all of those songs. I remember we used to listen to Buddy Holly and the Crickets records in Burke. I wish I had your record collection! Oh so many gems that are gone because I made you move to the west coast. It wasn't a mistake. I know you felt like it at the time- but that's because my marriage was a mistake- not you coming out. And if you hadn't come out, Koi and I would have been literally on the streets. I will always be indebted to you saving my life numerous times. I don't even believe my life is worth saving, but I love you infinitely nonetheless. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Until tomorrow, Dearest Dawg... love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
p.s. thank you to the kind soul who keeps sending my Dad virtual flowers. Plastic, real, virtual- they are all beautiful. Thank you. Whoever you are- we love you. <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 11, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm posting a flag today because Koi took the American flag that was in your room. I had a small flag outside in our garden and it must have blown away. Well, Koi, being the meticulous person that she is, noticed that it was missing- and she saw an "extra" flag in your room. So she took it. Your flag was a bit bigger, though- I bought two of them (they come two in a pack) and I put the bigger one next to our mailbox for Memorial Day. Anyhow, I had an extra one, and I liked putting it in your room. Oh well, right? Koi put it in the garden, but it was too big and it was touching the ground (so I removed it and put it in the garage for now). I did buy some smaller flags tonight- and I'll be sure to put them in the garden this week. MK thinks I should wait until the fourth of July, but I don't know.
So if "anything can go wrong... it will" is what you used to tell me. The air con seems to have gone out. What's worse? MK didn't even notice it all day. And what's even worse? She blames me for all of it. I put the thermostat "down" to 77 at night, because Koi often sleeps on top of me- and it's, you know, quite uncomfortable. So yeah- I put it "down" to 77 at night, and I promptly put it back up to 78 during the day. She leaves it on 78 all day and is clueless when it seems/sounds like it's struggling. So by the time I get home it's close to 9pm and I'm like "why is the house like 83 degrees?" Then she orders me to go to Walmart and buy a fan. So I did. The only fan they had at the grocery store in Morrisville is the $18 cheap one that is "made in the USA" but the instructions are all in Spanish and it's a bear to assemble. But I did it. And MK bitches at me for buying such a cheap fan. I take the second of the cheap fans I bought and go to the other Walmart in the nicer part of town (not Morrisville). They have tons of fans and such a bigger selection, so I exchange cheap fan #2 with two nicer fans (smaller, nicer ones not made in the USA lol). The really nice one is in my bedroom and the pretty nice one is in her bedroom, and the cheap one is in the living room, and you know what? Suddenly I'm not stupid and I'm a hero. She is so moody! I know you can relate. Anyhow, so I need to call Yellow Dot tomorrow and have them come by. I have a feeling we are out of frion because it seems to be blowing hot air. I told MK to turn it off completely to reset it and LEAVE it off for 1/2 hour. Then, I told her to slowly turn it on/up, etc. So far, it seems to be working. I started it at 82 and the house was at 83 but went down to 82. Now I'm at 81 and the house seems to be going down to 81. If I can get the house to go down to 79 I will consider it a raging success. We shall see! It's already midnight, but since I am no longer taking anxiety meds at night, of course I am wide awake. I don't know if that's a good thing or what. But the way I see it- I'm going to have pain and anxiety and depression over losing you no matter what. So I may as well scale back on the prescriptions that make me act like a zombie all day. It's worth a shot, right? Dr. Patkar told me that you would not have wanted me to live a life of destruction and self-loathing, which I kind of do. So I am trying really hard, in your honor, of course, to live my life in a manner that you would be proud of. I don't know if it's going to work- because I think about ending it all a lot. Two people recently killed themselves- Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. I don't know if Tony killed himself or died of a heroin overdose. I didn't know he was an addict, but people tell me he was. Small world, eh? Anyhow, I wonder if you get to meet him now that he has passed away, or if it's just like earth where he's famous, and he lives somewhere else separate from non-famous people. I don't know. Stupid question, I know. I just feel like chatting with you. I miss you, Dad. I miss you so much. Sometimes it's just too unbearable not to have you in my life. I can't take it anymore. I just try to keep busy and get my mind off of my life as it is. I can't live without you, Dad. So I distract myself so I can get through the day. It works in the short term, but I don't know what I will do for the long term. Maybe there will be no long-term, and I won't have to worry about it. Maybe I will join you soon? I love you so much, Dad. I want to hold your hand again. I want to hug you and tell you I love you. I love you so much. Next Sunday is Father's Day, and I tear up just thinking about it. You are the best Father in the Universe and I am so blessed and lucky to have had you as my Father. Yes, you had a sharp tongue, but so did I. Our whole family did. I'm so sorry we were so mean to you when you were so ill. I guess we just couldn't change the way we were, but I wish we did. I'm so sorry, Dad. I wish I was nicer- a better person for you. You probably didn't want to stick around because like you said- at the hospital someone comes around every couple of hours, but at home, noone comes around. I'll never forget you telling me that, and it broke my heart. I thought just me being at home was "enough" for you, but I was so arrogant and naive to think so. I wasn't kind. I was tired and cranky all the time. I wish I could turn back the clock and make it right. It's too late to say I'm sorry, but I will anyway. I'm sorry, Dad. I hope you will forgive me someday. I love you so much. I'm going to wait for the thermostat to go down to 82 and then set it to 81 and see if it works. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 10, 2018
Hi Dad. Well. It's almost 2am, but for some reason I don't have a headache and I am not tired. Go figure! Koi and I slept in today (maybe that's why?) until 10 or so. Then, I had to put away a lot of clothes b/c MK and I did quite a bit of shopping over the course of the week, and so that means laundry (and putting away clothes). It took me awhile to make room for my (and Koi's) new clothes and re-organizing stuff. MK bought me a pair of Doc Martens about a month ago, so ever since then, it's enabled me to change my style back to what it used to be years ago. It's funny how a pair of shoes can shape the way you look and feel. So I've been shopping a bit with MK, buying up (sale) stuff that "goes" with my new sandals (don't worry, you know it's all from Ross, Marshall's and TJ Maxx). I remember when you used to read MK's charges on your credit card statement "TJ Maxx, TJ Maxx, TJ Maxx...." It was a scream. You were a scream. So yeah- I spent awhile putting away clothes this morning, and I also had to run to UPS quickly. The Keurig machine we bought leaks water everywhere, so luckily with Amazon, we can return it for a new one (which is what we did). Finally around 1pm is when I took Koi to the pool, and we stayed there until 7pm. Then, we went to Randy's Pizza (in Durham) and then we came home. Koi and I took a walk just to the pergola/common area and she had a major blowout πŸ™ TMI? Probably. We walked back home and I spent quite awhile cleaning that mess up. I remember when Koi was a baby and she had a blowout all over me onto the chair I was sitting in. The first thing you said was "I'm not sitting in that chair ANYMORE." And then I made you and MK take that chair to the dump! I can't believe all the things I used to make you do. I really underestimated your illness. I just saw what I wanted to see. And what/who I saw was the "old" (young) Dad who did everything with me (and for me). I'm so sorry for being so insensitive. I knew you were sick- but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I wish I had. I hope you will forgive me... because I am incredibly sorry for being so clueless.

That was our day- nothing but busy. The days just creep by but the years fly by. These days, the days literally fly by and yet they stand still. So that saying, I guess, has no meaning for me anymore. I can't bring in the new year anymore with you. I no longer look forward to things. Next week is Father's day and of course I am heartbroken that you are not here with us. My heart just breaks each and every day without you here.

And I'm sorry I have not written much lately. I've had screaming headaches each and every day. I actually only have a mild one right now, knock on wood. Could it be the end of the withdrawals? Oh I don't want to jinx (or "jink" it). I'm still taking the anxiety meds once a day and that other medicine three times a day. Plus, I take either advil or toradol for my back once a day. But weaning off antidepressants- something I wasn't even on a month ago, has been horrid. I never would have started wellbutrin had I known taking it for just three weeks would wreak such havoc with me. It makes me not want to try any other antidepressants. I don't think I will. Dr. Patkar says he only wanted me on them for six months to help me mourn the loss of you. But really? Six months to mourn the loss of the greatest Dad in the Universe? I think not. I will never be over losing you, and taking a pill certainly will not make things better, or less worse. I'm going to feel intense pain regardless, so why even bother with antidepressants, especially when, according to most of my doctors, I don't even suffer from depression (anxiety, yes, but not depression). McSigh. Anyhow, enough about me. "It's not about youuuuu" right? Lol. He called tonight and talked my ear off for an hour. And then I said something at the end of our conversation that really pissed him off and he hung up on me. Sound familiar? I emailed him an apology. Not because I'm sorry for what I said, but because I know he's a nut, and I feel sorry for him. He said what I told him was "hurtful" so for that I am sorry. We have a mutual friend/colleague. He was my former colleague and he is G's current/former colleague. After working with this guy for a decade he never told him his ex is me. So I just said 'I'm sorry Koi and I are such a liability to your career.' Whoops. Not the right thing to say. He somehow interpreted that as me thinking he is ashamed of Koi (I know, you would say "well he is." Har! You always were straight up, and I love you for it!) Anyhow, he just can't take me painting him in anything but a perfect light, so I emailed him and said I was sorry. He won't write me back, but he's Koi's Dad, so I best try to be respectful (well not really) and at least try to get along with him. I don't know why he calls me and then proceeds to talk my ear off (about his career, not even about Koi) for two long hours. Ah, two hours of my life I'll never get back. That pretty much describes all of our conversations lol.

Sorry, I guess I'm now talking your ear off. Koi is still awake- I have no idea why. I guess I should try to take her to bed. She's been really emotional lately. She has been obsessing over the Jakers! Episode "Just like your grandfather!" (Your favorite episode, and mine, too). Maybe she is mourning you now. I don't know. But she often has tears in her eyes while she is watching that episode. She is smart, Dad. But you know that. You used to tell me how smart she is- how she has every single episode of every show memorized. She knows how to retrieve them over YouTube w/o even reading (but now she knows how to read). She is amazing, but you are the one who always used to tell me that. You are the one who told me of her genius, and how frustrating it must be not to be able to communicate that- or retrieve what you want to communicate- when you want to communicate it.

Tomorrow/today is Sunday. I will write you when I wake up, ok? I am hoping not to sleep in too late- no later than 10am, because I want to be able to take Koi swimming before 2pm- preferably closer to noon. Since tomorrow is Sunday, I have to mind the time more. Koi still has two more weeks of school before she tracks out. Plus, she has to go back at the end of July. Ugh I hate year-round school! I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much. I will write you when I wake up, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 10, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 9, 2018
Morning, Dad or afternoon I should say. Koi and I overslept, and now I am late in taking her to the pool. I just wanted to wish you a nice day- I miss you more than ever. I hate going to the pool because it reminds me of you. Neighbors ask how you're doing and (the ones I like), I tell them what happened. They remember you as loving Koi, and always bringing her pizza, being so kind and gentle with her. I always knew that about you, but I didn't know it was so apparent. I couldn't be prouder to call you my Dad- the Best Dad in the Universe. Koi is waiting by the door, so let me dress her, and I will continue this when I return, ok? I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. Love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 9, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 9, 2018
Hi, Dad. My head is still throbbing and killing me, so I am going to say "nighty nigh" for now and write you when I wake up in the morning, ok? I don't know why my head is still killing me, but it's got to be the wellbutrin tapering. I doubt it's the cymbalta since I've only taken it once this week. It could also be the lorazapan withdrawal since I've also tapered on that, too Anyhow, I am going to write you in the morning, ok? I love you so much. Even with a throbbing head, I still can't stop thinking about you. I love you to the moon and back. I will talk to you in the morning, ok? Love, G Kat p.s. I'm sorry this is so short but I am about to pass out my head is killing me so much! xoxoxo
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 8, 2018
Hi, Dad. Wow, does my head hurt. Sorry, how are you? I don't mean to be so self- absorbed. But wow does my head hurt. I've stopped taking Wellbutrin since Tuesday and I only took Cymbalta on Tuesday and I've had a headache ever since. I no longer take either one, so it's probably withdrawal. I also cut back on the Lorazapam (not completely, but just once dosage a day). My head is killing me and I pray that it'll stop tomorrow. At least I no longer have the severe nausea, but after having a headache for 24 hours straight, you do kind of feel nauseous. I'm doing this for only one reason- because Dr. Patkar told me that you would not want me to live this way- and you certainly would not want me relapsing. So obviously he makes sense, right? So I am trying my best to honor your life and your memory by being the best I can be. Even though you are no longer here- I want to do well for you. I want you to be proud of me, despite all the mistakes I've made in my life. It's never too late to start over and try try try again, right? I know I've made so many mistakes, but you never stopped loving me. You showed me what unconditional love really was. I miss you so much. I keep thinking about the last eight months of your life, and I just wish so much I could have a 'do-over' because I feel like I didn't handle things well. I should have made different decisions. I'm glad we never put you in managed care. I'm glad you spent time at home over a nursing home. But I am not glad how long you spent at the VA Hospital. I realize you needed to be there for awhile. But it seemed like as soon as you took a step forward, you took two steps backwards- and that wasn't because of you- it was because of them. Infections, mistakes, wrong decisions and procedures. It's not like I made the whole thing up and told them what to do. Sure, I made decisions, but they came up with the options, right? They made mistakes. I feel like these mistakes cost you your life. They denied you rehab and physical therapy. I'm still so angry over the behavior of Dr. Twersky. He's a despicable man. He'll meet his maker one day and karma will get him. But for now, it's up to me to make him accountable for what he did and how he denied you access to recovery. I don't exactly know how I'm going to do this, but I will think of a way. Anyhow, I don't want this to be a totally negative post. I do want you to know that many "right" things were decided during the last eight months of your life. You spent one night in a nursing home until MK and I just took you out of there. It was filthy and disgusting, and we only agreed to "let" you go there, because the doctors all said you needed rehab. But you did nothing there during the 24 hours you were there- there was no rehab. I'm glad we took you out of there. I'm also glad we took you out of Wake Med. They were a bunch of crooks, making all the wrong decisions. They were getting ready to dump you in a nursing home as well. You were in the step-down ICU for neuro and they were just doping you up and letting you sleep, day in and day out. When we took you to Duke, same thing. UNC was a lot better, but they discharged you after a week. It was a good decision to take you to the VA because you were dehydrated and dying. They did save you for awhile. But we should have pulled you out of there sooner. MK and I were afraid of doing something wrong by bringing you home too soon. We didn't know what to do, because we had no guidance. When you did come home, I did have guidance, but honestly a nurse coming once a week wasn't enough. You needed more support and the fact that you died on a waitlist for home based health care is disgusting. I want you to know that your life mattered. I know how much it bothered you that you "were not a candidate for teeth implants." And I agree. You were a candidate. You are worthy, so to speak. And I hate how the VA puts value on a person's life based on age and health. It's not for them to judge. Your life was so important. You accomplished so much in your short life. I have so much love, respect and admiration (and adoration) for you. I always did, but I don't know if you knew it. I didn't tell you enough. So I'm telling you now. I love you so very much. I miss you immensely. My heart will never heal. It doesn't matter what pills Patkar prescribed me- it's not going to heal my heart. So why take them. They're a bunch of BS. My head is still killing me, so I'm going to lay down for a bit. The pump at the pool has been broken for weeks now, but the managers have been resetting it in order to make it work. Well the one strict by-the-book manager who closed the slide b/c she saw a tick, well- she couldn't handle resetting the pump and it broke. So I am not sure if Koi will get to go swimming tomorrow. The electrician knew of the pump and yet he didn't order the replacement part until today. Great, eh? That's NC thinking for you. Sigh. Anyhow, tomorrow is the last day for most kids, but Koi will be in school until the end of June, returning at the end of July. I really hate year-round school. It's a joke. Well. I'm going to lay down. This post wasn't very positive, was it? I'm sorry, but if anyone understands negativity and disenchantment with the world, it's you, Dearest Dawg. I miss you so much. And I love you to the moon and back. I'll talk to you tomorrow (or today, rather). I hope my headache will at least be less. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 8, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 7, 2018
I'm back, Dad. Now it's super late, so I guess I'll just write a bit more. I always say I'll write you the next day, and then I end up driving literally the entire day while Koi is in school, doing this and that errand. Today, MK ordered pants from J Jill. But one of the two pairs of pants were "made in India" and she just doesn't like linen made there (gee I wonder why lol). Anyhow, so we had to go to the store at the mall to return them. She also found two more pairs of pants she liked, so I had to search my email for the coupon I had... I found it (yay) so that saved her $50. She was "all teese" as you would say. Then, she wanted to check out TJ Maxx in Apex (which had nothing- oh but she did score a red shirt, which is her favorite color). By then it was almost 1pm, and she wanted hibachi- not the all-u-can-eat bar, but the Hibachi Blue place that you and I went to a long time ago (when it first opened) in Park West (Morrisville) Shopping Center. By then it was like, almost 2pm, and I have to leave at 2:30 to pick Koi up. So that was my day. Then I took Koi to the pool with the best of intentions to get in the water with her. But, like you, I am always freezing, so I was too cold to get in (but she wasn't--- she swims like a fish these days). We came home, and she wanted "Randy Pizza" (the good one, in Durham). I went back there for the first time in over a year yesterday and I had to tell the owner, Lee, what happened to you. He was really heartbroken. He called you a "gentleman" and he knew we were close. It's so painful to go back to these places that were "our" places. It's been a long time since I've been...and of course they always ask about you. Someone asked me how you were doing (at the pool today) and I had to tell her. She had lost her Mother eight years ago, and so we both cried together. I guess you never know what people are going through, do you. I miss you so much. As I was saying, I don't think any pill or therapist is going to make that pain go away. I'm going to try to cut back on the Lorazapam and not take Wellbutrin or Cymbalta. I think Patkar wants me to try Effexor next, but I think I may take a break. I'm tired of feeling like a zombie all the time. I doze off all day and crash at night. I had a horrible nightmare last night. I guess it wasn't a nightmare b/c you were in it- but I was yelling at you for waking me up, so in my eyes, that's a nightmare. I used to yell at you for waking me up. I was such a fool. I'm so incredibly sorry and full of regret for all the mean things I ever said to you. I was a terribly person. I hope you can forgive me one day. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to lay in bed, b/c I don't want to wake up MK and as long as I'm up, Koi's up (and she talks, constantly). I hope I feel even better tomorrow. Tonight has been okay, although today (during the day) I couldn't eat anything that wasn't bread. I think my appetite is finally coming back- it's so strange. You're supposed to lose weight on Wellbutrin, but I think I gained 5 pounds lol. Anyhow, enough about me. I hope you are somewhere in the ethers and I hope you are looking down on us and with us. MK says you are, and I believe her. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 7, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm feeling much better tonight. A shower helped tremendously. I still wasn't 100% for most of the day. Transitioning from Wellbutrin to Cylexa to nothing has made me sick. Actually I think either the Wellbutrin withdrawals or trying Cylexa made me sick. I'd rather take nothing. I've also cut back on the Lorazapam, which is great for me. I'm feeling more like myself these last few days, which is nice. I still have tremendous heartache when I think of you. But no pill is going to cure that. I have to feel the pain and the loss and the daily heartbreak of not having you in my life anymore. MK keeps telling me that you are around us everyday. And when I asked you for a sign the other day, you sure gave it to me! I don't know if it was a coincidence, but I deleted everything (everything negative I had written for the last twenty minutes!) Today, I watched a lot of documentaries on YouTube about Cambodia and Bangkok. I can't help but think about you and all the good you did for our Country. I really had no idea about the mass genocide in Cambodia until you used to talk about it years and years ago. I saw some of the film footage- it was secret film footage from the 60's or 70's, I'm not sure- maybe even 80's, it's hard to tell. The pictures were horrific and it really makes you wonder about the world and why such evil things happen. No wonder you were so jaded and sarcastic about the human nature. You must have seen a LOT in your day. MK was telling me that you were able to go to Cambodia back when it was a Communist Country- you had to be someone special to have access. She told me about the flat tire you had there! Boy, you really lived it all, didn't you? I have so much admiration and respect for you. I always had, but now I really really appreciate all that you did for not just our Country but for us- me and MK (and Koi too). I miss you terribly, and I no pill or therapist is going to change that or even lessen the pain I feel daily, hourly, even by minute.
Koi wants to come out of the tub (of course lol). BRB...
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 7, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 6, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm so tired and sick tonight. I started a new med and it doesn't agree with me. So I'm not going to take it anymore. I did not tell the doctor yet but I will write him tomorrow. I went to Koi's field trip and I spent the whole time with my eyes shut, wanting to sleep. I came home, slept for an hour, and then took Koi to the pool (and slept during that time as well). I'm finally out of the shower- it's just midnight. But I'm going to hit the sack and I promise to write you tomorrow. I hope and pray this medicine will have passed through my body by then. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dawg. xoxo, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 6, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 5, 2018
Oh no. I just finished writing you a long note and I accidentally closed the wrong tab. So of course, i closed this tab, being the computer savvy person that I am. I asked you to give me a sign- to show me a sign that you are okay or still around on some level. And then I proceeded to write and write about how sorry I am if you ever felt I didn't support you. I'm sorry if you ever felt I didn't believe you. I'm sorry if you ever felt I lost my patience with you. I was- and am- still trying to exist in a household where I feel like I am nothing. Sometimes you just lay low for survival. I know you know this. This is where we understood each other, I think. I wish so much I could have travelled with you to the north to visit your ancestors' graves. I know how much you wanted to learn more about your genealogy. And I hate how you never had that chance. I'm sorry for not being more supportive of you. I was just trying to carve out an existence, but this existence is really nothing. I feel like I have wasted the last decade of my life. I took a wrong turn somewhere- I definitely own that. I wish for so much that could have happened. And I can just hear you saying 'wish in one hand...' Yeah, you're right. That definitely came true first. I just find it curious how I wrote you such a long note that was quite negative about me and my existence here, and then I accidentally closed it-- after I asked you to show me a sign that you are here on some level. Coincidence? I don't know. You taught me both to have faith and yet to also be skeptical. So what does a person believe if they want to believe, but they also want to not be blind about belief. I would love to have this conversation with you, because you were so smart. I miss just listening to you talk about life. You always had such a way about you- your personality. You lit up a room when you came in it, and your comments on life just made everyone roll on the floor with laughter. I think your colleague Rick Snyder really summed up your legacy the best, which is why I read his letter at your Interment. You really did speak truth to power. You were something to behold. And I am so sorry if you ever felt I was too busy for you, or if you felt I didn't believe in you. I got the feeling that you felt you weren't needed, but you so were. We all needed you so much. You were right when you said "you make it all happen." I saw it then, and I really see it now. I see how tangible it is now. I don't even know if we can move- how will I set up the Internet? That's how stupid I am. I am so lost without you. I would give anything to see you, to touch your frail hand, to look into your soulful eyes once more. I just miss you so much, Dad. I better try to lay down, although I am so far from sleep right now. I have to wake up in a few hours and send Koi to school- and then meet up with her class in just a couple of hours to help Koi make pottery- or paint your pot (whatever it's called). For Father's Day, I asked Officer Jeff- he's the cop who is always around the middle school- to be Koi's surrogate for whatever celebration they are having in a few weeks. Usually it would be you who would attend. You were so much to so many- not just to me, but to Koi and MK. MK is getting worse as she ages and feels more pain at night. She is impossible to be around at night. Koi doesn't listen to me, but I lost my temper with her tonight, so maybe she will listen a bit tomorrow. I'm forever stuck in the middle- MK wanting things her way, and Koi doing things another way- and myself getting blamed for everything in between. Boy, do I sound like a victim, don't I? LOL, remember I used to say that... "it's not about youuuuuu" thanks to Loser #1. Anyhow, so it's not about me, and it's about something greater. So let me lay down and let me say how much I love you and miss you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I wrote quite a lot and now it's gone! Did you do that?? ;)
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. I need a prayer tonight! MK is angry again because it's late and Koi is still in the tub. So of course she yelled at me, because it's always my fault for everything. I saw my old/new nut doctor today, and he was talking to me about "goals." So I think we've established some "weaning" goals for me over the next few years. But still- he wants me to be fully independent from MK and you know how difficult that can be, since I have Koikat. She is my everything, and the life I would give her on my own would suck so bad. I flip flop all the time about which alternative would be better- one where I'm walking on eggshells, but she has nice things- or one where I'm free- but she has nothing. I always pick the former, and you know why. Koi is still in the tub and her voice is SO LOUD she is going to wake up the sleeping dragon lol. So let me take her out and finish this. I miss you immensely. But during times like these, I think about what an ally you used to be for me. You always supported me. You remember how you wanted me to live with you after Koi was born- unlike MK who forgets that conversation ever happened lol. It's just that it's been so long. My nut doctor wants to get me more independent, and I guess that's a good idea. He also doesn't want me using medication as a "crutch" which I also think is a good idea. I still think some meds are good, but maybe not so much. MK has crazy ideas- like how you took "too much" medication, which caused your illness. But I know the truth- you had to take those medications because of Agent Orange. I always believed you. But in her house, you had to accept her ways. I'm sorry if you ever thought I doubted you. Hold on. Koi is getting out. More in a sec.... <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 4, 2018
Hi, Dad. I don't know where the day went, but it's almost 1am (the next day, technically. Sunday- boom, over. I took Koi to the pool at 12:30ish and we stayed until 6pm. It didn't seem like it but I guess that's where the day went. We've had so much bad weather with storms and rain, it was nice to enjoy a sunny day w/o that PTSD fear of thunder, closing the pool, and the major autistic meltdown that follows. Speaking of PTSD, I have my nut doctor appt. tomorrow. I'm going to tell/ask him to take me off Wellbutrin. It doesn't do anything for me except give me headaches and nightmares. It doesn't do a thing for my depression. I don't think my depression is chemical-related, if that makes any sense. My depression is rooted in losing you- and the grief that ensues with losing my best friend and Father. So I don't think any pill is going to help me feel better. I just have to work through it and give it time- lots and lots of time. Perhaps forever- until I see you. I hope he can understand that instead of "upping" the dosage. Anyhow, I'm still on anxiety medication, and I'm fine with that. I definitely have anxiety. But I don't think my depression is caused by physiological factors, but rather, external ones. Now with anxiety, there is definitely a physiological component plus life experience that gave me PTSD and anxiety. I know you get it, with your degree in psychology. You always knew people and you always knew me. You were able to give me advice at the drop of a hat, and you would always be spot on. Remember "he's used to caviar and now he has to go back to cat food." I loved that saying- and I loved hearing it from you. You always used to build me up- so much so. Thank you for building up my self confidence. And thank you for teaching e how to write. You are a writing God- and that was confirmed by Rick the Younger, when he sent that letter to MK- it was so well written and he wrote that you taught him everything he knows. What a compliment. You would have so loved his letter. I read it at your funeral service- but I hardly remember it, because I was so distraught.
I love you so much, Dad. Koi is getting impatient and I pulled a muscle in my neck that is also hurting my chest. So I will say good night to you and I will also say I love you to the moon and back. I love you so much, Dad. Life will never be the same without you. Love you Dawg xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 4, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 3, 2018
Morning, Dad! I woke up to Koi saying 'where my black phone'? (Your black phone is now Koi's black phone, I guess). She dropped it behind the bed (with it on) last night/ this morning. I did manage to get it with a measuring stick, and now it's only 26% charged. I'm sure you would so not be happy about that. Anyhow, she is happy because I managed to get "her" phone, and now she's eating breakfast. She got really sick over winter and lost her taste for cookies and croissants (which isn't necessarily bad, right?) so now she eats Goldfish crackers and popcorn for breakfast with a slice fo sheet cake for dessert. And that's our routine. MK and I also eat sheet cake and coffee for breakfast. I miss you so much. I overslept- it's a little after 10. The pool is already open, can you believe it? Anyhow, I'll have to guzzle this coffee (I love the word "guzzle" which you taught me, of course), and start getting ready for the pool. At least I don't have clothes to put away, for once. I did that all last night. MK was in bed early so I had to finish up all the laundry she started, etc. Anyhow, I just wanted to say "good morning" and to let you know that you are the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I go to sleep. I miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. Love you so much, Dearest Dawg.... xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 3, 2018
Hi, Dad. Didn't I promise I'd write you earlier today? I did, didn't I? Sigh. The days just fly by, and yet the minutes without you feel like I exist in slow motion. The evenings are the times when I am alone with my thoughts and I really start to think about my life. Side note- I spilled coconut milk everywhere on , 8, my lap b/c i fell asleep on Friday, sitting up- and now some of my keys are sticky. If you were here, you'd kick my butt for that. I didn't even spill a lot, but it this the numbers 7 on up, and the letters: u, j, n and over πŸ™ Sucks. I cleaned it right up, too-- but I guess this is why I cant have nice things. You would be so upset with me. I don't blame you. Maybe I can use your laptop for awhile. Or maybe I should keep using this one and keep working on the keys. I bet they'll loosen up over time. It usually does, right? The volume and backspace key kind of stick, too. Sigh- I just can't catch a break, right?
I took Koi to the pool around 12:30 today- we had to rush b/c we slept in and I was aiming on taking her around 2pm. But then I checked the weather and it said "storms" around 2pm- 40% chance πŸ™ So we basically had breakfast and raced over to the pool. Luckily it didn't storm until 5:30, so we were blessed with almost five hours of swim time. You can't beat that, right? We then went for pizza, and Koi wanted me to push her in her stroller around the neighborhood afterwards. So we walked around the block four times. We've been inside ever since, but MK's back has been hurting her, so I took over what was left of the laundry and putting away stuff, etc. That's basically eaten up my entire evening, since I didn't come inside until late. Koi wants to get out of the tub, so I will write more in a second. To be continued (I swear Koi sees me write and she proclaims "time to come out.") Hey- it's ok, right? I'll have some more time to gather my thoughts. I miss you so much, Dad. xoxo more in a sec.
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 3, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 2, 2018
Welp. I wrote something and I lost it. You would say "Raper's Luck" right? I was doing an online chat with Amazon, and I guess I not only closed the chat window, but I must have closed all the windows. My bad. Amazon is so high tech these days. I received an email about a return, and it was incorrect, so I just did a chat with them and they fixed it. Amazing, right? Anyhow, I lost what I was saying, but it was nothing deep tonight. I'm starting to fade- it's not too late- about 1:30ish. I just spent some time in your mancave. I miss you so much. I'm on the floor in my room but I keep fading and not making much sense when I type. I may have to continue this tomorrow- because I can't seem to stay awake. I took my evening pills and they must wipe me out, you know? I'm sorry. I just miss you so much. I spent awhile in your room and tried to get myself together, but I can't. It's just too painful, Dad. I'm going to write you tomorrow morning, ok? I'm not making any sense and I keep dozing off while sitting up. It must be all the sun and lack of sleep from the week. Welp- Koi just dozed off again- second time this week where she's passed out on me. I think I take too long to write- I have so much to say, but my head is up my ass and it takes me too long to write you. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, ok? I promise. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much, it hurts every day. The pain just keeps getting worse and worse. I love you immeasurably and the void in my lfe can never been filled. Love, G Kat
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 2, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
June 1, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sending you a bear hug tonight. I know you had something to do with that wonderful, beautiful weather this afternoon- at the pool. The storm that was supposed to hit just suddenly went away- the dark, ominous grey cloud disappeared and sunlight came from out of nowhere. It was a sight to behold. Days like today remind me of you and us at the pool. You would come (briefly) to the pool at the beginning of the season- when it was sunny, cool, but warm. We would always talk about what a beautiful pool your neighborhood has... and how worth it it was to move to NC... simply for the pool. Even then you worried about Koi, and you loved how she loved the water. Do you remember how we spent hours at the pool in the summer? The best times were when Koi went to traditional calendar school and we had long long summers. The worst is track 4 (which we are on now), because, in essence, Koi has a three week summer. But, MK (right now) let us go to the pool during the week (school nights). I wonder how much longer she will "let" me do this with Koi. She usually flips out and "forbids" me to take Koi swimming at some point. Stay tuned... and I'll have to attempt to re-negotiate my way back into her good graces so Koi can have her "swim time" every day. πŸ™‚

Anyhow, what was I talking about? Oh yeah- the weather. It's as if you brought the beautiful weather with the stroke of your hand- or something. I don't know, but I feel like you were speaking to us. I could be wrong, but either way, I am grateful for the gorgeous weather today. I thought we were going to have ten minutes of swim time and we ended up with three hours. So, if you had anything to do with the beautiful weather. Well, thank you, Dawg. I love you so much. When the weather is gorgeous outside, I can't help but think of you. You loved those beautiful sunny days. But you also loved the rain storms, too. When it would rain, you would back your car out and let the rain hit it. The "poor man's car wash" πŸ™‚ Anyhow, I just miss you so much. I keep playing and replaying the last eight months- all the things I should have done. The things I didn't do. And then I take my medicine so I don't start panicking. And once I take my meds- I'm a zombie... like I am now. Ugh. I know you would *not* be proud of me right now. I medicate myself way too much. It's temporary. I promise. I give you my word, I just need to get through this. It's been so incredibly painful losing you. I'm having a difficult time coping with your loss. But I promise I will live each day in your honor and I will live each day the best I can- someday. I want to learn more about you and your family. I want to finish what you started with genealogy and perhaps one day even visit the grave sites that you wanted to visit. These are my pipe dreams, but perhaps one day in the far future, it may happen. I'm trying my best to take care of Koi and myself. One day at a time, right? I just miss you so much. You were more than the best Dad in the universe. You were my best friend. It's as if my whole world came crashing down on me November 4th. Sometimes it's just so unbearable. But it's not about me, right? To think that you may have suffered- and suffered greatly... it just pains me so much. I would do anything to relieve any pain your felt.

I'm falling asleep on your bed, so I better go to mine and also put Koi to sleep. At least tomorrow is Friday, right? It's already Friday, I guess (12:45am). It's June 1st. I can't believe it's June. I wish it was last year. God, I miss you so much. And God, I'm begging you to make the pain stop. Please- make the pain stop. Dad- I love you so much- so very much. I'll write more tomorrow. I promise- famous last words, right? But I promise I will. I always have a lot to say. I love you to the moon and back. Love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 31, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 31, 2018
Hi, Dad. Not much to say tonight. Today was spent getting my medication- since I switched doctors, I needed to pick up prescriptions from my new doc and get them filled. I also decided to switch pharmacies, too. Walgreens just ain't cutting it, so I went back to CVS. MK has to stay with Walgreens b/c it's the only place that will accept Tricare for Life. Oh well, right? Anyhow, I spent/wasted the day doing that. I took Koi swimming, and here we are- like six hours later. She had dinner at Chick Fil A (so did I), and she's finally showered and in bed. It's 12:30 did I mention? This kid needs some sleep, but she stays up late. Last night, we went to bed early and she woke up at 4am. She, of course, fell asleep at school πŸ™ Anyhow, I hope it doesn't happen again, since it's so late. I'm falling asleep sitting up. I don't know what my deal is. I'm going to cut this note short tonight, but I will write you first thing tomorrow, while I'm drinking coffee and at least I'll be more awake and engaged than I am now. Today was tough- just been thinking about you a lot. It's truly unbearable sometimes. I miss you so much. I'm so depressed not having you here. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I'll write you in the morning, ok? Less than six hours from now. I love you so much, Dad. If only I could see you, touch you, hear you again. I picked up your electric razor today and saw your whiskers in the razor. It brought me to tears. I'm treasuring everything that is in your room- everything is untouched- and it's going to stay that way forever. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 31, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 29, 2018
Hi, Dad. I'm sending you an angel, but you are *my* Guardian Angel 24/7. Ever since l lost you, I have felt protected in a way that I never have before. It's difficult to explain, but I know you hand in looking after me. For example, you brought me to treatment, and then I told you I had to leave that Center b/c of the therapist as totally not getting me or my pain. I get a letter from her today- it was a letter to all of her patients, stating that she's leaving that center. It's moot now, as you would say, as I found a new/old place- my old Psychiatrist was able to accept new patients. So even though he's a bit on the mean side- it's the type of truth that I'm used to, being ini our family, and I'm sure I will be fine (knock on wood). I feel so solemn and drained today. The weekend was hard. It wasn't about shopping or bbq's- but rather, the weekend, even moreso this year, was about reflection of the many sacrifices that your comrades made for our great nation. I know you used to hate it when people thanked you for your service. But I can't think of any other way to tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud of you, Dad. I am so proud to call you my Father, and I live each day- each hour of each day (and each minute) in honor of you. Coming off of a low key weekend, I am quite sad and missing you immensely. I should have been at Arlington with you this weekend, but MK said you would understand. I'm so sorry, I wish so much you were still here. I wish I had done more for you. I wish I had gotten those palliative care consults that that evil nurse wanted you to have. I should have upped your liquid diet at night- nevermind you couldn't keep it down. I should have tried. I should have consulted palliative care, I suppose. I wasn't in denial- I was hopeful, and I had doctors and nurses who shared our hope that you would recover. I didn't want to just dope you up and leave you in bed. But to think my decisions could have made you suffer really really pains me and fills me with so much guilt. I hope so much you didn't suffer. I love you so much, Dad. I hope you knew that. I love you to the moon and back, my Dearest Dawg. Koi watches the "Just like your Grandfather" episode over and over now. I think she has figured out what has happened. She will cry what seems to be at random times, but I know what she is thinking. She is thinking the same as I am- how much she misses you. You were always so gentle with her. You were almost like a different person with her. Your snarky, sarcasm was put aside for a kind, gentle soul when it came to Koi. I loved it. I loved you both ways. Because deep down, I knew you were a kind, gentle soul. You were my everything, Dad. I don't know if I ever told you that. But you will always be my everything. I hear Koi- she is looking for me. I'm in your mancave, so I best put her to bed before 11pm. It's "early" for us lol. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Until tomorrow... I love you so much. Love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 29, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 29, 2018
I've been thinking about you all day, Dad. I hope you are somewhere, looking down on us, and smiling. I hope every day your presence is somewhere. I talk to you a lot- especially at night when I go into your room. Your room is pretty much untouched. I'll never go through your stuff and throw stuff out. You lived a pretty bare bones existence, since your move from VA--->CA--->NC right? Do you have any regrets moving? I always think if I hadn't asked you to move to CA- you would have had access to better health care had you stayed in VA. Another issue that was caused by me and my poor decision making. I try to focus on the positives- all the adventures we had, and the places we were able to see together, and the fact that NC treats Veterans very well (well, tax wise, right?) Those are the positives. And the Durham VA is "supposed" to be one of the best VA Hospitals in the Country. I snort, because I did not find the level of care impressive in the least bit. Being a teaching hospital, it was a revolving door of interns who didn't take the time to know you, your history, and what you needed. But that's for another time. I just want to focus tonight on how much I appreciate you- and miss you. You have saved me countless times, and have always been my safety net in life. But that's not why I love you so much. You are the quintessential Father, in my book. You had unconditional love for me- even when you disagreed with the decisions I made. You always supported me- even when you didn't want to. You paid for four degrees and went into debt to pay off my student loans. You sold your Rolex to pay off my Sallie Mae loan. How many Fathers do that for their daughter??? Your love for me was limitless. And when I had Koi, you passed on your gentle demeanor and unconditional love to her. Except with Koi, you were extra protective, given the fact that she couldn't protect herself. People noticed how gentle and loving you were with her. It was evident how much you cared for her- and worried about her. I promise I will always put her first (despite the mistakes I've made in the past), and I will always do right by her. You have shown me what unconditional love really is. I hope I was able to reciprocate just a fraction of that during your last eight months. I know I was snarky, tired, cranky, and immature. I snapped at you a lot when you came home- it was only exacerbated by Mom's short fuse and mental illness. I'm so incredibly sorry. She used to lose her temper over shomben and unco, and you know what? Life is so much more important than that. It didn't bother me- but I was just tired. I didn't feel like she supported me/us and it made me lash out at you, when nothing was your fault. A part of me will always wonder if you stopped fighting, because of Mom's unkind words. She did have her tender moments. I "caught" her cooking and trying to feed you. Albeit it was can soup (yuck) and bread, but hey- at least she tried, right? She did attempt to nurse you back to health- and I caught some glimpses of that. Even though she is an ass, she did love you- in her own way. You don't just throw away fifty-three years, right? I'm sure she is grieving in her own way. Today was so difficult. I was battling my own demons, missing you so intensely, and then Koi was being okay- but wanting to stay out late. MK was yelling at me nonstop today- it started b/c I sent my friend to take a picture of your grave marker with the flag next to it. She told me that your marker is a sacred space- her sacred space- and I "desecrated" it by letting one of my loser friends visit you. For that, I am truly sorry. It was never my intention to do anything disrespectful. I know you were a private person. And MK said I disrespected you by giving this friend your marker coordinates. I hope you will forgive me. In the end, you were so calm and forgiving- you didn't sweat the small stuff. I don't know why you changed- but you did. I appreciated it- because you always forgave me for being late when visiting you, or bringing lousy food, or just screwing up in general in asking for this and that type of medical care. I appreciate the grace you allotted me time and time again. Anyhow, MK was livid with me for sharing your marker information with her. Nevermind it's public information- she doesn't think it is. So whatever I did- and if it was disrespectful- I am very sorry. My intentions, I suppose, were quite selfish. I wanted a picture of your marker with the flag placed next to you. I knew it was something ANC did for Memorial Day. They may also do it on Veteran's Day as well. And I wanted a picture of it. I am so very proud of you, Dad. I know you hated it when people used to "thank you for your service" and I guess I have become one of those people. I am so proud of you, just as your sister is. As Nance said to me (in an email yesterday):

"Memorial Day is about something greater. You are so right! I’m so sorry your Mom is angry. Arlington is a very sacred place where families and friends and tourists can go to reflect and appreciate what each and every person did to keep us all safe and free. I wish she could feel differently about it and be honored that someone may look at his headstone and wonder who he was and even thank him for his service. I know that’s what I think when I see all those stones and know there’s a story behind every single one of them."

I thought that was well put. Nance often comforts me when MK is angry with me. I don't always whine and complain, but sometimes I share our "arguments" with Nancy, just to check my own mental state. I wonder if it's me- or MK. I'm Alice/Jen BlueVeil, remember? πŸ˜‰ Anyhow, Nancy is great to me. I feel so bad how you used to call out her name. All I could do was come myself. I guess I was in denial. I knew you were sick, but your nurse- a very competent nurse who was straight-up and no bullshit- told me- "your Father is very sick- he's got like four chronic conditions- but we can manage all of them the best we can." And she meant that. So with that being said, I thought we were going to manage your conditions much longer than we actually did.

But I do hope that someone would walk by your headstone and wonder who you were. You are a part of something greater, Dad. You are a part of American history. I heard our President was at ANC today (Trump). There were also a bunch of important cabinet members, too- all watching the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. So you basically had a lot of visitors today and over the weekend. You must be exhausted. I wish I was one of those visitors. I should have been one of those visitors. I am coming soon- I give you my word. I planned on coming Father's Day, but now I'm being told to wait for Koi's track-out, whihc is a week later. With that being said- I forgot I need to book a room. So I'll do that tomorrow or this week, ok?

I am so sleepy. I took Koi to the pool in the rain. It was freezing. Then we went to Freddy's again tonight, since they "lied" to me in Apex and Chick Fil A was closed when we drove by (they were supposed to be open until 8pm. Such is life, right?

So I will say good night for now. Koi finally started snoring. She couldn't wait up for me. I need to wake up in three hours. Yikes. So I'll say good night to you, Dearest Dawg. And "thank you for your service." I know you hate that, but I have no other way to say I love you and appreciate what you did for our Country each and every day. You did make the ultimate sacrifice- so many soldiers come home ill and the gov't doesn't acknowledge them or get them the health care they need. I want to help Veterans someday, but right now I am too upset and angry over how they denied you PT. I need to process through my issues with the VA before I can be whole again. But missing you and not having you with me- that will always leave a hole in my heart forever. I love you to the moon and back. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 29, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2018
I'm thinking of you today, Dad. I wish I could be at Arlington. But MK, Koi, and I will be there very soon. I was planning to come up on Father's Day- but Koi is tracked out a week later. So instead of a day trip, we may make it into a 2 day trip at Ft. Myer. Not sure of the details yet- those rooms fill up quickly. We can always stay in Rosslyn or some place close- Clarendon, etc. I'll figure something out. I know Kim and Nance stayed at the Hilton Garden in Rosslyn, and when we drove past there (after going to Chick Fil A), it was very nice looking and very close to Arlington. So I'll figure something out. We'll all be there very soon- but I'm sorry I can't be there on this very important day in our Nation's history. I'll write more tonight- but I just wanted to say I love you to the moon and back- and I miss you so much. My heart is not complete, nor will it ever be again. I miss you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2018
Hi, Dad. Well, my computer is on 16% power, so let's see if I can leave a decent message for you before my computer goes ka-put. Ugh. I guess I've been up a long time tonight. After the pool, Koi, MK and I went to Freddy's for burgers and fries (and milkshakes). You would have loved Freddy's. It's a chain, like Five Guys- but the burgers are very thin. And the fries are very thin as well (crispy, too). Now, the location in Cary isn't run well so we drive to the one in Holly Springs- the "chefs" there are just better, if you know what I mean (noone is sneezing in the eggs, get it?) πŸ˜‰ Heh. Anyhow, we came home, played hide and seek (Koi's routine at night before we come inside). I fell down in the dark, but miraculously, I'm okay. Even in my platform sandals- I'm okay. Then, we hung out inside and kind of waited to see if Koi was going to poop. She went into her room and took her temperature- which means she's not feeling well. She is warm, because we stayed at the pool for five hours today- and the sunscreen that I put on her face isn't strong enough (it's only spf 30). She "sniggled" into my room and w/in a minute, I kid you not, she was snoring. So, instead of waking her and forcing her to shower, I just asked MK if we could let her be. She agreed. MK has been really angry with me today. She thinks that I let a high school friend go into "her" sacred place (your marker) and take a picture of your tombstone. I asked my friend to do so, because I wanted to make sure you were taken care of this Memorial Day weekend. I also didn't want you alone. She visited you- she's a decent human being. You are a part of American history- a part of something so much bigger, right? You are going to have people, visitors, tourists, and family- they're going to visit your grave marker and wonder who you were- and yes, they will also thank you for your service. I know you hated when people did that, but that is the only way people know how to show gratitude. You are an American Hero to so many, Dad. You are my biggest hero. You lived a very quiet, subdued life. Noone knew about your accomplishments here in Cary. But you did so much when you were in the Service. I know that. And I don't brag about you. I'm proud of you, but I don't brag. I know you were very modest and you wanted to live in peace. Anyhow, so my friend took the picture of you- she took a few very beautiful shots of you with the American flag they placed next to your marker- and she texted them to me. MK is livid, but I forwarded those pictures to your sister, and she was extremely grateful that my friend (Holly) took those pictures. We all worry about you. I should have been there this weekend. I heard that over 135,000 visitors are expected. So anyhow, your picture was taken. I may even post it here. It's a beautiful picture. MK is livid. I apologized to her. I realize it's a sacred space for her. But it's also a sacred space for me- you're my blood (or rather, I'm your blood), and I wanted the picture of you. I miss you more than anything. If someone came down and asked me if they could bring you back- if I sacrificed my life- I would do it in a heartbeat. I would. I think your life is far more important, significant, meaningful, and productive- than mine. I know that's a slippery slope to go down- and I shouldn't talk that way. But it's how I feel. And I would gladly lay down my life for you. I wish so much I did better. Nance wants me to stop beating myself up- but I don't see it that way. I feel like if I say it enough, maybe someday I can find a way for you to come back. Until then, I will anxiously await to join you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. You are the greatest Dad, Father, Grandfather (amazing grandfather), and even a pretty damn good husband. You sure took care of your wife- til the end. You obsessed over being able to take care of her after you left. You planned everything to a tee. (or is it "t"?) You planned everything. All I did was follow your instruction. You had all of your ducks in a row, so it was so easy to follow your steps in order to get everything you wanted to get for MK. Thanks to you again- she is okay- forever. Thank you for showing me what a real man is like. You have shown me what a real Father and a real Husband does for his family. I feel so honored to have you in my family. I miss you so much. I long for the day last year, where I could see you, hold you, touch you, laugh and talk to you. I would give anything for that just one more time. I hope so much you weren't afraid. I love you so much, Dad. You are so loved and missed. It's supposed to storm up here in NC. I don't know about VA. But today the rain held out, and I took Koi to the pool from 2-7pm. Whew. Tomorrow I don't think we'll be as lucky. They have even postponed the Memorial Day Weekend Party at the Pool. I'm glad, because the last thing I want to do is celebrate this weekend. I hate the sales, and the beer and bbq that is associated with this weekend. It's a very pensive, solemn, thought-provoking kind of weekend- not a party weekend. But Koi is happy to have the day off tomorrow, and I can't blame her. We will enjoy each other's company. Maybe at the pool- maybe not. Either way, you will be on our minds all day- you and the countless thousands of others who are at Arlington and other Veteran grave sites across the Country. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you immensely. And I'm falling asleep, so I better join Koi. I only used the computer to 7% now, so it still holds a charge quite nicely. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat p.s. I will write you tomorrow- I promise. It's 1:15am, so it's not too bad! <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 28, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 27, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's me again. Finally I slept in today- but I didn't get a chance to write you in the morning, like I promise. I'm sorry πŸ™ I slept in, and then it just took me forever to get going for the day. I had a mountain of laundry to put away and then make my bed (which is a task in and of itself b/c my room is so cluttered- like a scene from "Hoarders" as you used to say) πŸ™‚ Anyhow, once I did all that, I realized that Koi wanted some pizza. So I drove over the Brixx pizza over by the new shopping center off Hwy 55 and got her (and me and MK) some pizza and (me and MK) some spinach and artichoke dip. When I got home- MK told me it was supposed to storm at 3pm. It was 2pm when I got home. So, plan B was to get to the pool asap with food in tow, and it ended up being a good call. Koi got her pizza and also got to swim about three times before the big storm hit. There was a small storm (more like rolling thunder) around 3ish and they did close the pool for 1/2 hour. But Koi still was able to swim quite a bit. Then around 4:30 it stormed really big- you would have loved it- thunder, wind, streaks of lightening- the works. Koi wanted to wait it out. With lightening, they throw us out of the pool b/c they have to clear the pool deck. So we waited in the car for God only knows how long- I fell asleep, actually. They opened the pool back up around 6pm, and we were able to stay there until 8 (when the pool closes). I was so tired, even though I did nothing. So anyhow, we waited in the car and then we went back outside and Koi did get some more swim time. I was too cold at that point, having fallen asleep in a wet swimsuit in an a/c car. Oh well, right? And after the pool, Koi wanted Chick- Fil-A, so I must deliver, right? After that, you'll never guess what happened. MK mentioned "enema" b/c Koi was backed up. Just the mention of that word, sent Koi in a panic. She ended up crapping in MK's bed- everywhere. Hahahaha- you would have laughed so hard. Heh. So MK make me strip the bed down and throw away the soiled linens in the garbage. Maybe MK will think twice about complaining and "enemas" next time, right? Heh. The bed was not damaged b/c Koi did stay on the quilt. But you know MK- she had to strip the bed down and she wanted to spend the night on your bed, but I wouldn't let her. I told her your bed is my bed- and i want to be with you- so she decided to sleep on the couch. Knowing MK, she would wash all of your sheets after sleeping in the bed, and I just don't want that. I know you have not slept on this bed in a long time- and MK has washed everything when you were living at home in the hospital bed. I know you haven't directly slept in this bed- but I don't care. I feel closer to you after laying in this bed. And I just don't want her washing the sheets for awhile longer. I know you understand. I come here every night (like I am here now) and reflect, sometimes (often) cry, and talk to you. Your mancave has sort of become my fe-mancave of sorts. This is where I come to talk to you. I talk to you a lot, and so I kind of feel bad telling MK she couldn't sleep here. I kind of half heartedly changed my mind and said she could- but she was like "no way b/c then I have to wash these sheets tomorrow." So it all worker out. Whew. That was a long, boring story. And that was my day. I love yo so much, Dad. I miss you immensely. I'm now falling asleep, like I always do. Gosh, I bore myself to sleep. Hold on- MK's sheets just beeped. I need to get them and put towels in the washer. She had to, of course, throw out her comforter and she is washing her sheets.

Okay well the downside of MK sleeping on the couch is that she woke up to pee and now she is ordering me to bed. Koi decided to join her on the couch, and MK wants me to put her to bed. Koi likes to be around people and she didn't want to sleep alone. So I'm going to have to sign off yet again and take Koi to bed. I love you so much, Dad. I promise to write tomorrow. I promise. I know I wrote tonight, but it was about nothing. I have so much in my head, and it hurts too much to let it come out. I just miss you so much- those are the only words I can muster w/o feeling such intense pain in my heart. I think about you every minute of every day- and how many times/ways I could have done things differently to prolong your life. It's my cross to bear- until I see you. And when I do see you again, I will ask your forgiveness. Until then, I just want to say I love you to the moon and back. And I miss you so much. You are my very best friend, and I miss you terribly. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 27, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 26, 2018
Hi, Dad. This has been a difficult week, sleepwise and timewise (budgeting time), because the pool opened, and of course, Koi wants to go swimming every day after school. It's almost 2am and I'm still up. I promised you a worthy email/note today, and here I am at 2am, with nada! I promise to write when I wake up. Koi is waiting for me impatiently, in bed. I don't know why she's being so needy, but my guess is that she's just cranky. She hasn't had a good night's sleep all week. It's the beer-drinking crowd this weekend at the pool. Yay. I wish so much I could get in the car and drive up to ANC to see you. Of course, I can't- not with Koi. MK says that you understand. But I am coming up soon. At some point soon- I promise. You are expecting over 135,000 visitors this weekend, so you will be very busy this weekend. Koi has become so rigid as she is getting older... I don't think the trip would be a good one anyways. So we'll just stay here for the weekend, and I will drive up soon. I want to come on Father's Day, but I haven't received a commitment from MK. I was going to do it in one day, but MK thinks I need to stay overnight and rest before driving home. So I guess I will. For ow. We'll figure something out. Again, I'm really blown away by your jester earlier this week. We are baffled by it and MK thinks it's some kind of well- hopefully you can read my mind about that. All I know is that she is very happy- and MK is never happy, right? Speaking of happy, the wellbutrin isn't working. Sucks, eh? It's all a crock of crap. I hope you are reading my mind right now, but I do hope that was from you and we are enjoying it very much. I love you to the moon and back- not because of that- but because you are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you so much every day. You trusted me 100% to keep you alive and well, and I let you down. I will have to bear that cross until the day I join you. I am incredibly sorry. It was not intentional. I believed everything I was telling you and I feel the doctors lied to me and MK. I'm so angry about it- but I don't want to talk about it now. I want to say how much I love you- and I will write you a more coherent note tomorrow when I wake up. I hope I can get up early, b/c I hate it when I sleep too late and I can't get going. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you each and every day. It's really unbearable most days. I'm lost without you. I love you- and I will write tomorrow (later today). Love you so much, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 26, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 25, 2018
Hi, Dad. I just read on my ANC app that they are currently placing American flags on each and every tombstone at Arlington Nat'l cemetery. Pretty cool, eh? I wish so much I lived closer, so I could take a picture of your flag. I also wish Mom and I could take a trip up to see your headmarker flag. I think it would look so cool and have such meaning. You sacrificed so much, even the VA recognizes what all you sacrificed (and who you sacrificed for- this Country). I hate how we live over four hours away. I read on the app that it is expected that over 135,000 people will be visiting you this weekend. Wow, that's a big crowd. You won't be alone, that's for sure. But I so wish your family (us) could be there. It's just hard with Koi. MK says that you understand how it is with Koi. And I know you do. But I want to come and see you the first chance I get. As soon as possible. I miss you so much, and I feel a connection with you when I visit you at Arlington. I can't tell you how painful it's been, just missing you and wishing I could have done things differently. As you would say "shoulda coulda woulda." MK did get me a pair of white sandals today-; they look awesome. They're Doc Martens- my favorite brand in the whole world. MK loved them so much she actually wants me to get another pair. So I'm looking for a good deal on a black pair. I also am looking on ebay (for a new pair) of pink ones. I'm definitely going to be all set.

I keep dozing off yet again. And each night, I promise that I'll write you in the morning and yet I don't. But I promise I will tomorrow- because hey it's Friday and I want to let you know what I've been up to (nothing really) and just catch up with you. I keep dozing off- or nodding out (with my nighttime Meds)....

I love you so much- and I miss you so much. I'm sorry this is yet another short note. I think about you all day, everyday. And when it comes time to write you, I'm just wiped out after giving Koi a bath. You know how it is. You were a part of this routine and craziness for twelve years of her life. She misses you. We all so. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I'll write again tomorrow- or later today, rather. At least tomorrow/today is Friday. And Koi's time of the month (month of the time as MK calls it) seems to already be tapering. I doubt she'll be able to go to the pool tomorrow, but one can always hope. I hope she'll be okay by Monday. There is no school Monday, and I'm sure she will want to go swimming. I'd rather go to Arlington and visit you. But it just isn't in the cards, sadly. I miss you so much, Dad. I feel like you are with me. I miss you so much, but I feel like you are watching over me- especially after what I discovered this a.m (you know). a=We so so appreciative for everything you have done in order to make our lives functional. I hope I can make you proud one day, Dawg. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 25, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 24, 2018
Well. All's well that "ends" well, knock on wood. Koi had a craplosion, but luckily I got her off the bed and sitting on a towel. So even though it leaked everywhere, it only leaked onto the towel, which is now in a dumpster. πŸ˜‰ Remember when she had an explosion on the green chair, while she was sitting on my lap? The first thing you said was "I'm not sitting in that chair- anymore!" You were always so funny, even in the worst of times- you always brought a smile to my face- and everyone else's, too. I miss you so much. I ran into some older people at the pool today and I had to mention we lost you last year. I didn't have to mention it, but I did- and they were so heartbroken. You could tell by the looks on their faces. They were concerned about MK and how she's doing. Everyone is concerned about MK and she actually is the strongest out of all of us, don't you think? I don't know. I shouldn't act so self-absorbed. But I asked MK the other day- was it today- or yesterday... whether or not she missed you terribly. She responded "when you are married for 53 years, I don't view him as gone. To me, he is still here. There is so much about him that is still here, and I don't feel like he isn't here anymore." Well, I do- but that's how she sees things. I'm glad she can focus on all the good about you. I am still working on it. I don't think I will ever get over you (not to imply MK is over you- she is just processing grief so differently than I am). Did I tell you I started a new Med for my depression- so fingers crossed she is doing okay. She tends to bottle up all of her emotions, and then it comes out in the form of anger, wouldn't you think (is an understatement). Well, it is now 1:22- about an hour and a half since she was feeling so sick. She seems okay now, knock on wood. I hope she can make it tomorrow to school. And I hope I can get some seep... menow! Love, G Kat <3 I miss you infinitely- and I love you to the moon and back <3 <3 <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 24, 2018
Hi, Dad. I sure need all the prayer I can get tonight! I had to pull Koi out of the tub super quick, if you can guess why. So it is looking like she'll need another bath- and then bed. But it's 12:30 right now πŸ™ More in a sec. Oh- and she has cramps, too. And MK is angry with me b/c of course all of this is related to swimming (it's not). Poor Koi- cramps plus sh** cramps. I don't think we'll be swimming tomorrow, but I can't break it to her. Sigh. Anyhow, I am going to clean her up again and maybe give her another quick bath. I'll finish this note in a bit, ok? I'm sorry yet again, it's super short. At this time of night, it's just hard to get all of this done. Please say a prayer for me- that Koi is okay and will be able to go to school tomorrow plus MK will not yell at me. She literally lays on the couch or in bed starting around 5pm and just gripes and yells at me. I think her knee is really bothering her. Anyhow, more later, ok? I can't believe how late it is. I miss you so much, Dad. I know you would be here with me, helping me out. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 24, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 23, 2018
Hi, Dad. It's me again (Jen). I'm so tired, my apologies. I'm afraid this note may end up being short, because I am falling asleep s i write them.

. It's 1am, and I took Koi swimming at 4 and when we left around 7:30ish. I think that's respectable, don't you? It was supposed to thunder- but it didn't. So I consider today a very lucky and blessed day. I promise I will write tomorrow, but I keep falling asleep trying to write just a bit, and it's not working. I'm sitting on your man cave bed, and its hard to think of a coherent sentence. Even Koi was falling asleep in the tub (I was there so don't worry!) I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you so much. It's just hard. I think about you night and day- even when I'm half asleep. I feel lost and w/o you, Dawg. Okay, I'm going to turn in- and I will write tomorrow, ok? I guess being out in the sun for a couple of hours really does a number on your brain, doesn't it? Those pesky UV rays, right? I love you so much, Dawg. Until tomorrow.... xoxo G Kat <3
Posted by:
Jennifer Owen
Posted on:
May 23, 2018
Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen